Oct.16/12

Hey Oh...
   Evening to you all. How is everyone doing this evening? I am fairly well this evening. How is everyone getting along with their "new" schedules? Of course, by new I mean the kids back in school, dance classes, hockey starting and so on and so on...Things are pretty good in the Metcalfe household. They of course have already begun to get busy, but that is a good thing. Nice to have some purpose sometimes and something to look to. My kids have been pretty busy with school already and their dance classes. Probably around January it will get a little busier as Gabriel wants to get into a karate class or something like that; swimming lessons for both and skating lessons again. Man, I either better start getting paid more money or I better get another job!
   So as I mentioned a blog or two ago, I have set a goal for myself to race next summer in the Spartan Race in Calgary. In order to do that, I of course need to start training and getting myself back into shape. I've enlisted the aid of my best brother, friend and buddy, Doug to help me get on track. He's going to help me out with some good exercises and try to aid me in changing some eating habits. The easiest part of this is going to be changing the eating habits. We/I eat pretty healthy here at home and don't do a whole lotta junk. We eat plenty of veggies and fruits, limit the sugar intake, eat a good chunk of proteins and try not to go crazy on the breads. The exercise part I think is going to be difficult for me.
   Why is that? Well, the obvious reason is that I am out of shape and getting back into it will be a little hard on the body. But, the obvious answer is not always the right one. In this case, I am more anxious about being anxious than anything. I've been worried, well not worried, but have thought about how sweating, bringing up the heart rate, increasing the breathing would be on my mind. Whenever I get jacked up I am very susceptible to an anxiety attack. Lucky me, eh?! Anyways, I had not gotten to the gym yet until this evening. Wow, waiting a bit to get going eh? No. Just with school starting up and everything else getting going, September wasn't the ideal month to get started. And with 10 months to go before the race, I still have/had lots of time to get started.
   So I went to the gym this evening. I have a feeling that I am going to be a little bit sore come tomorrow, but that is all good. I didn't go crazy or anything there, but I think that just the beginning of doing the exercises is the killer. It will take a day or two to get back in the groove of things and until then, I am sure that I will be in a little bit of agony. Okay, maybe not agony, but I'll definitely feel it. The point of all of this is that I started this evening AND I really didn't have any anxiety build up. I was actually surprised. Now, I did have a little 30 second feeling of anxiety when I couldn't catch my breath right away. But with breath like mine, I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't catch it. waka-waka-waka...Seriously though, I slowed down on the treadmill for a minute or two, got my deep breathe and got back at it.
   I don't know if any of you have heard this before and you probably have; but people who go to the gym regularly or work out regularly, always say that they feel really good after doing so. I have had this feeling before and I must say that I have it again this evening. I DO feel good after going and working out. I only walked the track and then went on the treadmill, but I did a solid 45 minutes of walking. I would really like to encourage those of you who follow my blog and struggle with a mental disability, to get back into the gym or out on the sidewalk getting some exercise. Not only are there mental attributes, physically you are doing your body good. Especially to some of my over-weight friends, and I am NOT singling you out because I am overweight too, get to the gym. You don't need a trainer or any of that crap. Go to the gym and see how many people support you there. Everyone will give you a huge pat on the back and tell you that you're doing great.
   They might not physically give you a pat on the back, but they will for sure be thinking it. Anyways, just wanted to share with you my one night of going to the gym and how it affected me. It was good and will continue to get better. Again, set a goal for yourself as I did and work toward the goal. I know you can do it!!

September 30/12

Evening All...
   Well, its been a few weeks since I was last on here and it seems like it was just yesterday. I have had a busy few weeks. Between my Grandma passing away, work, friends and friends in need, my family and school starting up, where has the month gone? I have a few things beside the passing that have tested my mettle over the last little bit, but haven't taken any Ativan for anything. Yeah, me! So where should I start? Well, the funeral went off without a hitch for me. There was still alot of crap that went on there without really going on. Let's just say that some family members were left out of a few things and it left a bad taste in my mouth, but we made it. I was pretty anxious about driving down there and seeing people that I hadn't seen for awhile especially after my family history, but as I said, it went without a hitch for me. I was really mostly anxious that I was going to get angry with someone and the beast was going to be out of the cage.
   I have gotten to throw in a little bit of fishing while working, so that has been nice. I have been going and trying out waterholes here and there while I have been to this area or that one. But my anxiety has popped up a bit during those times too. I have felt alone or anxious about being somewhere new, but once getting into the swing of things, I have calmed down fairly quickly. So that too has been good for me. Today was a real new one for me that I experienced. I borrowed Doug's canoe from him so that I could actually get out on some water and fish as opposed to fishing from the banks all the time. I had Gabriel with me today to go fishing with and this was going to be only his second or third time out on the water. I was a little bit anxious about it and wasn't sure how it was going to all play out.
   When we got to the lake, there was a little bit of wind coming across that was making some waves. Needless to say, G-man wasn't having any of that. I canoed us out about 100ft from shore or so when he said that he didn't want to be out there and could we go back in and go home. We didn't end up going home but stayed and fished from the dock. Not quite what I wanted to do, but at least I was fishing. Anyways, as I said, I was anxious about going out and doing something new. It struck me as we were driving there that I have never been the "captain" of a boat; let alone one with my child in it with me. I think that somewhere inside I was anxious for him I guess. I'm not sure. But the anxiety didn't last long and left fairly quickly again.
   We have also had a few additions to our family over the weekend. A family friend of ours and her kids are here. They are going to be possibly moving back to Red Deer and needed to get out of their city for a day or two. As I have said before on here, it is not my place to tell someone's story or gossip here. I will not tell all the juicy details, just enough to let you figure it out. In this case, I don't have too. Why would someone leave their house with their belongings to get a new start somewhere? Hhhhmmm, I wonder. Anyways, we have been helping them out and it has created some anxiety on a real small level. Again, as I have said before, when your schedule or life or plans change on you, especially for someone with a mental illness, it is very easy to feel that a wrench was thrown in to the mix. It creates some confusion in the mind. I wouldn't have it any other way though as they need our help and are going to get it.
   So in a sense, it is really good that they are here, because it is challenging me to accept the things that cannot change or create clamour in my mind. And so far, so good. I guess the main thing that I am getting at tonight is to keep on keeping on. Keep challenging yourself and perservering though whatever is creating an obstacle for you. Find a way to get around it and move on. Deal with what you can when you can. Take all of those little steps that you need to get to the bigger issue. Don't focus on every task at hand, pick one, tackle it and move on to the next step.
   Sometimes I feel like a broken record on here. I tell you all the same things over and over again. But these things are what we forget all the time. An issue comes up and all of a sudden we are questioning how we are going to get through it. It doesn't matter whether you are a writer, a banker, an athlete, a fireman or have a mental disease. We will have challenges to face. Some will be more difficult than others and some, you will not even bat an eye at. But they are out there. Are you going to face them or run away? Make a decision and stick with it. It might be the wrong decision, but it is a step in the right direction.
   Again, I apologize to you for not being on here on a regular basis. I try my best and that is all I am going to ask of myself. If you would like more, please don't hesitate to order my cd's online. hahahahaha, just kidding. Anyways, have a great night, good sleep and a great day tomorrow. Take your baby steps!!!
  

Sept.9/12

Good Morning,
   How is everyone doing this morning? For those of you who follow my blog, you are probably surprised to see a new post so quickly after my last one. Well, I always try to blog here when something goes down that I can share with you, Joe Public. If you're a lady, then you are Joelene Public. lol. Anyways, as some of you might have seen via my Facebook status updates, I did have something go down that I felt was worth blogging about. My Grandma Metcalfe just passed away on Friday evening around 8:30pm. Something that I have been writing about and talking about for a few months here has finally taken place. Someone that I know has passed away since I developed this anxiety disorder. So how am I feeling about this??
   Well, I must admit that I have some mixed emotions about it. I am saddened of course that this happened, but I am also a little indifferent about it as well. To give you a little backround on this situation, I have to go back before I was even a thought in my Dad's mind. My Dad grew up in a terrible home with a father who did not treat him well in ANY way. When my Dad was old enough to get out of the house, he left. About 5 years later, he met my Mom and a few years after that, I came around. My Dad never had any sort of good relationship with his Dad/my Grandpa and for that matter, never a very good relationship with his Mother and Sisters.
   This has or had continued all these years and is still going on today. Some members of my Dad's side of the family have always had disdain or anger or hatred or whatever towards my family, including my Mom, my sister and me. We don't really associate with them and they with us. So needless to say, this has affected my relationship with that side of my family also as I am and will always be loyal to my Mom and Dad. I will always take their side and stand up for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here typing without blame or innocence. I am not saying that I or we have never done anything wrong. We could have been the bigger person MANY times and picked up the phone, etc. But neither have they.
   So the point of telling you all that, is to explain my sadness and my indifference to this situation. Do I regret not getting to spend a lot of time with my Grandma? Of course I do. Do I miss our conversations about CFL and NFL football? Of course I do. Do I regret not getting to tease my Grandma about different things? Of course. There are many things that I will miss about her. Even though I did not spend a whole lot time around her in the last 3 or 4 years, I still loved her very much. If you read my blogs here or know me, you should know that I am a very compassionate person with a lot of love in my heart. I may not necessarily like the way that someone treats me or the way that they treat someone close to me, but I still love them.
   There are family members in my life on my side and Krystle's side that I definately do not like right now, but if they called in the middle of the night with a problem, that would be put aside and I would get my ass in gear to help them out. Why? Because I still love them and that is just who I am. So I must admit that I have had some issues liking my Grandma for the last few years, but I still really loved her. She taught me a few really cool things. We talked about music, football, hockey and sports in general. She had terrible knees and a broken down body as I do, that we had in common. And she was still my Grandma. I know that she loved me and that she was a great lady to me. I was not around when all the things went down with my Dad, so it really has nothing to do with me. She was always good to me.
   I think that my indifference to the whole thing is that we weren't or haven't been that close for the last few years. It is actually quite easy to not feel a TON of pain right now. I have laid awake the last few nights thinking about this and that. Could I have done things differently or could I have been the bigger person many a day and just went with it? Should I have done that? Maybe, maybe not. Because I am only 39 or have a belly or work with the rigs, should I not deserve some respect also? Should we always have to like people whether or not they give us the respect that we deserve? Krystle's Opa gives me the utmost respect and I give it right back to him. Just because you are older than me, does not mean that I do not deserve your respect, right? Even if you think that I am wrong on that one, I don't care because it is how I feel and my opinion.
   And I guess that this is where the topsy turvy feelings come into play over this. I DO have some regrets and I DO wish that things had been different. But it is not ALL on my shoulders. It should be equally split. The crappy thing is that I am still alive and having to deal with these feeling and thoughts, she is not. So where do I stand on this? Well, I think the bottom line is that I have lost someone that was in my life. They may not have been as close to me as say Doug or my cousin, Chantel. But they were still in my life and I was still "associated" with them. She was the matriarch of this family whether or not you had a relationship with her or liked her. And she was still my Grandma. See that's the funny thing about life. We might hate our parents or our sibling. We might hate our cousins, aunts or uncles or grandparents. But, guess what? They are still and will always be your family. You can change your name, get a facelift, move to Timbuktu and denounce everything that you know; those people will still be your family. They still bore you, raised you, played with you, watched over you, prayed with you, blessed you, took you to school, took you to sports practices and wiped your butt...that will never change.
   My heart is tore up a little bit. I will be attending the funeral with or without any other family members from my immediate clan. I will be walking in there with my head held high and my heart in the right place. I will be respectful and not try to start anything (please believe me that there is a TON more to this story that I am not sharing here). I will be there to represent my family if no one will. And I will miss my Grandma. Weird eh? You don't spend a lot of time with someone in the last while and when they're gone, they're gone. I have two songs playing over and over in my mind since learning that she passed away and both are from two totally different spectrum's of music. One line is from an old 80's hair band, Cinderella. That line is "Don't know what ya got, till its gone". The other is from Garth Brooks, who I hope needs no introduction. That line is "if tomorrow never comes".
   I don't think I really need to explain or digress any more on either of those lines; they should both be pretty self explanitory. Anyways, this blogging thing is always some "therapy" for me and I wanted to use this medium to get a few things off of my chest that I was and am feeling. I don't think that my feelings are going to go away any time soon. I don't think that tomorrow morning I am going to wake up and everything will be better. I will continue to question myself as to whether I did the right thing in regards to my relationship with my Grandma. I will continue to question myself as whether or not I did the wrong thing in regards to my relationship with my Grandma. Will those questions ever be answered? I'm sure that eventually I will come to some sort of peace over this. I am sure that eventually I will not feel any remorse or regret over the way some things were handled. I am sure that in time, there will only be really good memories and no painful ones.
   I also feel that with this being "new" to me with the anxiety disorder, it too shall pass in time. One of the really funny things about having this anxiety disorder, is that I get to question anything and everything. Analyzing it over and over, questioning everything and asking all the what if questions. So where do I go from here? How do I even end this blog today? To both of those questions I can honestly say that, I have no idea. This is new territory that I am in. I think that in a bit of time, these questions will answer themselves. Until then, I just have to deal with this and move on with life.

September 5/12

Good Evening Friends and Family,
   How are you all doing this evening? I am well. Wow! School's back in session eh? Is it just me or did that summer seem to fly by? Weather is also slowly starting to change which always reeks havoc on my mental well being which we will get into tonight. But, sad to see the leaves starting to change and feel the coolness in the air. So lets get right into it. The weather change. Every year since I have had this anxiety disorder, I get all screwed up for sure twice a year. Once in the fall before winter arrives and once in the spring before summer arrives. Here's my thinking. Summer is fading away, the days are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping. Uh-Oh, how am I going to cope with the winter? How will I deal with the shorter days and longer darkness? How will manage to survive the cold temperatures? Oh no, its going to be cold and not nice and sunny. I can't go to the lake and swim or ski. I can't enjoy a beer on my deck with my shirt off. This is NOT good.
   Then, when then spring rolls around I start to ask the opposite questions. What am I going to do if it gets to hot? I'm not going to have my automatic air conditioner any more to cool me down when I am feeling anxious. There's going to be to much sun. Hockey season will be starting to wind down. How will I deal with the longer days and less darkness? WHAT??? Huh?? Does this make ANY sense at all to anyone? Me neither. But in talking to a few other friends that have a mental illness, they experience the same type of feelings which is nice to know others have my same issues. The really weird thing of this? Once the season gets rolling and I am into the heart of it, it doesn't bother me at all. As I have said before, it is a change. I truly believe that it is just a change that causes all of this.
   So what can we do? Well, as I do birdhouses, find something to take up your time. I also pretend to play the bass so that helps me out as well. Going to the gym is also a really good way to burn up some calories and relieve some stress. Take some baby steps as "Bob" says. Anyways, that was on my mind yesterday and today and I wanted to address it. Now...I had a really cool breakthrough and thought in the last few days. As I was talking about taking the Ativan no matter what last week, it got me to thinking about the cuckoo bin. Show of hands. How many of us have ever thought that we would like to spend time in the nut bar bin? How many of us hoped that maybe we one day would? How many of us questioned our sanity and whether or not we would "fit" in there? Lastly, how many of us think that we would look stupid or weak or insufficient or terrible or bad or whatever?
   What? No one raised their hands? Really? Wow. I thought we all wanted that. Of course, the truth is that we would never want that to happen to us, right? No one wishes that they had a mental illness or that they would get the oppurtunity to spend time in the cuckoo motel. BUT...it can or could happen right? What is the worst thing that could happen if that happened to you? Obviously, I cannot answer that question for you, I can only answer for myself. And this is where my cool breakthrough came into focus for me. No, I do not want to be in the bin. No, I do not want to feel that I was unable to beat this things ass. But, it could happen to me. And?? I'm quite fine with that. The other day when I was worried about the season change coming on, I joked to myself and said that I could spend the winter doped up on Ativan or tranquilizers and hey, look at that. A new season is here.
   It got me to thinking that what if that happened to me? As far as looking after my family, well, that would be difficult. Don't get me wrong here. I love my wife and kids more that my life itself and I would lay my life down to save theirs. But I am no good to them if I cannot cope with my mental illness. How can I provide for them if I cannot provide for myself? It kind of boils down to me looking out for number one. Again, not trying to put myself ahead of Krystle and the kids, but you do have to do that in a sense with a mental illness. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I have no issues if and when the time should come that I need to be put in the looney bin. I have decided to accept the fact that that could happen to me and my family. I have decided that if I need the Ativan, I am going to take it and in that vein, if I need to be admitted, then I am going to take it.
   Lastly tonight, I want to tell you about a goal I have set for myself. There is a race called the Spartan Race. It is a 5km intense obstacle course. There is barbed wire, mud, hills, walls to climb over etc., etc. The next race in Calgary is August 17th, 2013. As some of you know, I am turning 40 next year in January. I want to do this race and show myself that the "old man" still has it. So, I have enlisted the help of my best friend Doug to help me start to train for this race. Now, I have lost about 12lbs on my own here this year, but I need to lose more. I also need to bring up the cardio quite a bit. This is going to be a really good thing for me. Not only will it aid in my losing more weight, but I will be able to show myself and the world that I can do this. The biggest challenge for me is going to be doing the exercises and running. The obvious answer is that I'm overweight and of course doing exercises and running will be a challenge to begin. But that is not the answer. The real reason is that when my heart rate starts to climb, I am in a very weird state where an anxiety attack is much easier to come on as I am already jacked up and it doesn't take my mind long to follow suit.
   So, I have just under a year to get myself in shape and prove myself. Not to anyone, but to me. And that allows me to challenge you tonight. Set a goal for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big one. Crossing a bridge by a certain time if bridges scare you. Climbing up to a height if heights scare you by a certain time. Hold a spider by a certain time. Either way, whatever it is, I encourage you to challenge yourself as I am doing. Take care, love your families and we will talk again soon!
Shawn

August 26/12

Evening to you all...
   How is everyone doing this evening? I apologize for not being around here the last while. Work has been busy, holidays have been taken and to be quite honest, I have been doing pretty good. So the evenings when I would have been able to blog, I really didn't have anything profound or intelligent to say. Well wait a minute, I always have something intelligent to say, just not regarding my anxiety disorder. But tonight is the last night of holidays for me and I figured that I owed you a posting here. I actually have a few things to say tonight, so hold on to your lug nuts, its time for an overhaul! I hope that you have all had as an enjoyable summer as I/We have. We got to visit with some very good friends from the coast, went to a wedding, out to Kamloops to visit the in-laws and we had some really great weather. Unfortunately, the nice weather is on its way out the door and our favorite time of year is quickly approaching. Yes, the w word. Somebody had to say it here...
   So I went and saw my doc last week about my meds and how they are working for me. I gotta be honest, pretty darn good, but I am and was feeling that I needed just a bit of a tweak on them. So I have been bumped up to 125mg of Zoloft now. As I told Krystle, I'm just not quite feeling all there yet. I'm doing my work on my own that I need to but, the meds just aren't cutting it, or weren't anyways. I've still been having some real struggles with the thought of someone near and dear passing away on me or my dog passing away. I have been trying to cope with those thoughts and how I will handle that day when it comes. I'm not morbid and don't think about it everyday, but I must admit it crosses my mind from time to time. I have also been struggling with the leaving of my comfort zone to go on a holiday somewhere. The thought of getting on a plane scares the crap out of me. This past weekend we went to Medicine Hat for a visit and wedding. We've lived there before and I have travelled that road many, many times but, I was anxious about that drive, staying at Krystle's grandparents house and being in a "different" town for a "new" experience. Weird eh?
   It has only been a week now that I have upped the meds, but I am hoping that it does the trick for me in the end. I also had a really cool thought this past week regarding Ativan. Now, I know that awhile ago I blogged about talking an Ativan and how it bothered me to take one. How it made me feel somewhat more anxious. Some of you either messaged me, facebooked me or BBM'd me and gave me crap about not taking it. I didn't take anything personal from it and I was not offended that anyone gave me hassle about it. In fact, it made me feel good that some of you cared enough to say something regarding the taking of the Ativan. Anyways, this past week out of the blue, I was thinking about taking Ativan. Not because I needed one or anything like that, I was just thinking about it is all. I started to think back when I was anxious before how did I use the Ativan or cope with it back then. And I realized that I just took the damn thing! I didn't question it or wonder how it was going to affect me. I didn't wonder what the implications would be or anything like that. I just decided that I was not going to win this battle, so I would take the Ativan and live to fight another day.
   Huh. Well, that is not at all how my thinking is now. Now, my thoughts run wild about how this will affect me, what could happen to me, where will this put me and so on and so on and so on. I had a minor epiphany I guess. I didn't have any concerns with taking it, I just took it. So why does this bother me now? You know, I don't have an answer for you on that one. I don't know why my thinking has changed on it just that it has. So, I am going to try really hard here in the future to just take it if I need it. Please don't message me and say that you told me so or anything like that. You didn't tell me, I had to figure it out on my own and get down to the crux of the matter.It just felt really great to realize that and be able to move forward from there. I guess the point of me telling you that is this, how or why does our minds change or we forget things? Besides all the "getting old" jokes there are out there, I'd really like an answer to this one. But, I digress...
   As I said at the start here tonight, I have been feeling rather good lately. I did have a minor breakdown on the way to the Hat on Friday. Once again though, the super hero in plain clothes helped me out of it again. And yes, you all know her name...Krystle. This last week I also realized that my son was starting Kindergarten, my daughter is moving into Grade 2, we were getting a new dog when we came back from the Hat, work was starting again etc. The only constant thing here for me, was going back to work. Otherwise all of those things were; wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...changes! And how much does Shawn NOT like changes? Just a teeny bit. lol. Anyways, those changes along with driving down a desolate highway to a town where a few bad things happened to me and my family, added up to a nice little anxiety attack between Brooks and Bassano.
   I started to feel warmth in my groin, and not the good kind either, mildly dizzy, sweaty palms and warm armpits. Uh-Oh...this can't be good. I told Krystle right away and she really helped me through it well. She was as cool as a cucumber. On a side note, what the hell does that even mean? Cool as a Cucumber?? Well, too late now, we've used it...gotta go with it. Anyways, Krystle just calmly and quietly rubbed my back and changed the topic so fast it was great. She got my mind thinking and off of the panic/anxiety attack by asking me to "name 10 things that..." are chocolate bars; different cars, boys names, girls names, name the 50 states, different flowers, colors of the rainbow, shades of blue and so on. It worked great and before I knew it, I was calm and relaxed and we were pulling into Medicine Hat.
   Damn! I have the greatest wife and partner in the freaking world!!!!! Maybe next time that you are feeling anxious, get your significant other, friend, mom, sister or co-worker who knows what you are facing to try this with you. Maybe it will work for you and maybe it won't; but you won't know until you try it right? Well, I think that I am going to close for this evening. I have really missed doing this and I really enjoy all the emails, BBM's, Facebook messages and so on that I get from you all encouraging me to keep it up. Again, I am sorry for the tardiness as I have stated above, but it sure is great and fun to get back on here and pour out my thoughts and feelings to you all. Have a really great evening and I promise that I will do my best to be back here very soon. Take care of yourselves and love your families!

July 14/12

Good Evening to All,
   How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
   So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
   I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
   Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
   My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
   About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
   Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!

July 2/12

Good Evening...
   How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
   I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
   Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
   So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
   But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
   My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
   Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
   This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!