May 8/12

Evening to Everyone,
   I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
   Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
   I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
   But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
   No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
   So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
   Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!