Evening to you...
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
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