June 19/12

Evening...
   Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
   We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
   So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
   I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
   As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
   Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
   My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
   I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.