June 5/12

Morning to You...
   How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even  though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
   I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
   There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
   I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
   Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn