April 27/12

Morning to you...
   Well, well, well. A lot has been going on since my last blog. Again, I apologize to you loyal followers who are wondering where and when I will be blogging again; work has been busy still, we were looking for a house, having inspections done, furniture shopping, dealing with family issues and to top it all off, I have been having to battle through some anxiety. So busy, busy. Once again as well...I have no idea where to start. Oh, I know. Last week I had to make a trip down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck. I didn't have to go down there, but I had nothing else going on and I get a field day when I do that. I was on my way down there and feeling quite a bit of anxiety. For whatever reason, I am unsure as to why I was feeling the way that I was; but I was none the less.
   I was well prepared to turn around and come home that day. I told Krystle that I would just come home and go down to the cuckoo bin for a therapy session. She refused to let me turn around and come home. She got mad at me and told me to work through this crap. "Have your own self therapy session", she said. So with great disdain for this, I went ahead to Calgary. I was pretty much anxious all the way into town, but I made it and I did it. I forced myself to get there. I forced myself to take on the challenge and I overcame it. Of course and obviously, I did not do this alone. I did it with the help of my number one support partner. Without her, I easily would have given up. I cannot stress the importance of having good support for your mental illness or any illness for that matter!
   So that was a great accomplishment for me. The rest of last week was kind of a kick in the junk, work wise. I made a pretty big mistake last week that could have very well costed me my job. Thankfully, I am still doing a good job there, I have a great attitude, no driving infractions and I am constantly asking questions about everything. On Sunday afternoon, I got a text message from one of my bosses telling me to be in Calgary for Monday at 1pm. If you have read this blog at all, you know that I have had this request before and it did not feel very good at all. I was quite anxious about this "meeting" on Monday. Surprisingly enough, I actually had a good sleep that night but was very anxious driving into Calgary again on Monday. I had my meeting at 1pm and did not lose my job, but got into some pretty good ka-ka.
   Needless to say, my emotions ran the gauntlet in those 24hrs. Which led us into this week here. We put another offer in on another house. The offer was accepted and we had our inspection on Wednesday evening. The inspection went fairly well with only a few issues that Krystle and I were concerned about. Yesterday, we met with our realtor to tell him of this. We had a few requests that we wanted taken care of before we would assume possession of this house. Last night at around 6pm, we found out that we were going to meet all of our requests for this home. As soon as our realtor said that once we signed it was final, I panicked. I started to get really anxious and really uncomfortable. Now, some of you are going to say that that is pretty normal to feel some anxiety with buying a new house. I absolutely agree with you. I fully understand that. But my anxiety was coming from somewhere else that I could not place a finger on.
   Eventually last night, I came to the conclusion with Krystle's help that it was the pressure of buying this house that was causing me to feel the way that I was. Oddly enough, the pressure was just coming from us. We had and have looked at sooooooo many houses, we have put 4 offers in on 4 different places with no success until last night; last night being offer number 4. Krystle and I want a house so badly to call our own, that we placed needless pressure on ourselves. We were almost settling for a house that we maybe didn't want as badly as we thought. At least that's how it is for me. I know that Krystle has some different feelings toward this house, but I am just not feeling the same way. So after much thought and facing of the consequences, we decided that it was in our best interest to let it go. The consequences of course being that we might not get our deposit back, but Lord willing we will. If we don't, it is a lesson learned.  An expensive lesson, but a lesson regardless.
   So this morning, I am blogging with a really heavy heart. I feel really bad for my wife and my kids. I feel like I have let everyone down. I am the leader of this household (I actually don't have any power; Krystle and the kids have all the power!) and my family looks to me to lead. I failed in my leadership of them. I failed to recognize that this was not the house for me or for my family. I failed to see that we do not need to settle for second best. Mostly, I failed myself. I compromised my beliefs and my thought process into believing that everything was going to work out for the best. I am a little bit bummed out today and I am disappointed.
   The good thing of all of this? These feelings are not going to last forever. By a little later on today, they will have dissapeared and I will be back to normal. I also learned a thing or two here in this whole process. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am a simple man who has simple tastes in life. I publicly apologize to my family for leading them down the wrong trail. I am a big enough man to admit when I am wrong or when I was wrong and, I was wrong. This afternoon will get better as will tomorrow. Soon enough, I will be able to look back on this and laugh. Not right away of course, but eventually. If I can leave you with one thing today, be sure that you are sure of things in life. Whether it be a move, what class to take, what vehicle to buy...whatever it may be, be sure in life.