April 30/12

Evening To All,
   I trust that all of you are doing well this evening. A hearty hello to some new followers here on my blog and a thank you to you for reading and following my drivel. So this evening I actually have some idea of what I would like to talk about. Weird eh? lol Anyways, I have had a few interesting days over the last week. I believe that I mentioned to you last week that we were in the middle of buying a house and that it fell through for us which of course lead me to have a really nice feeling of panic. So carrying over into this week and the end of last week my anxiety has still been quite high. After we decided to not get the house and that we were going to stay right where we were at, we then decided that it was definitely time to get some new furniture, beds, a new desk and a new BBQ. All of these things create some change for me, obviously. I find it absolutely amazing that some change has really bothered me and ramped up my anxiety. These little changes in our household really cause me to feel anxious. And why is that? Obviously I cannot speak for all of those who have a mental illness, but I can speak to having an anxiety disorder.
   It is exactly that; change. We/you/me whoever get very acustomed to and comfortable in our day to day lives. We eat the same foods for breakfast; we wear the same clothes, same jacket; we travel the same route to and from work everyday; we go to the same coffee shop everyday and we have our favorite/comfortable spot on the couch to watch TV or read a book. I have a challenge for you. Just change up a few things in your life and see how you like it. How do you feel when you have guests over at your house and someone sits in your chair or your spot on the couch? How do you feel when you have to drive a different route to or from work? Can you feel that right now as you read this? Good. Now multiply that by about a 100 and you will understand how I or someone with a mental illness feels when changes happen in our lives.
   Now, don't get me wrong; changes are very good for us. They force us to challenge our beliefs, our thought processes and so on and so on. It is a GOOD thing to challenge yourself in this way. It is good to feel a little uncomfortable. It leads you to a better place. It makes you realize that you can accomplish things, that you don't have to sit in your same spot over and over again to feel comfortable. With a little prayer or the use of your toolbox, you can overcome these things that scare the crap out of you. Of course, this is way easier to type or talk about when one isn't feeling anxious about these changes; but it is the truth. The other truth about this? You will revert back to your old ways even if you are able to overcome those challenges. I know that I sure do!!
   Now another thing this evening...I had an interesting day yesterday work wise. I ended up having to drive down to Calgary and get a few new hoses for one of my rigs. And if you have been reading this blog, I will let you guess which rig I had to take them to. Yep, the one without any phone service. Yeah, lucky me. But, I drove down to Calgary with no issues. I met up with one of my supervisor's at the shop, got the hoses and headed out on my way. If you recall, I have to drive West of Sundre and then South about 100kms. Instead of driving back up to Sundre and then over, I decided that I would head West to Cochrane and then go NW on the forestry trunk road to the rig as it is only about a 100kms from Calgary that way. All was going well for me. I went past Cochrane and jumped onto the forestry trunk road. I had phone service for a good chunk of the way as well.
   I was talking to Krystle and then I lost phone service. I fully expected this and was prepared this time. But that wasn't what threw me over the edge. I was driving on a totally new road to me, that was very closed in with trees on both sides of me. The road had many sharp curves and switchbacks in it. I suddenly felt very alone and isolated with no phone service. No one knew where exactly I was or how I was doing. The panic set in on high alert. I turned on my air conditioning to high blast, snapped the crap out of my wrist and repeated on of my mantra's, "In the name of Jesus, give me peace." I just kept repeating it over and over. Eventually, things started to calm down for me and I was able to calm myself even more by taking some deep breathes. I also flexed my muscles as hard as possible to try and relax myself that way. Everything came to a grinding halt and I started to relax.
   Once I got to my road that leads to the rig, I felt this HUGE weight fall off of my shoulders. Now obviously I did it and I managed to get through it, even though I did not like it. But these are the things that I have mentioned on here numerous times. You have to find the small victories and cherish them. You have to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Take some pride in your accomplishments; whether they are mentally illness related or just in your day to day life. Again, its really easy to write about these things when you are not panicked right out; but once the panic or anxiety has gone away; take the time to realize that you did a good thing, you got through it and you are a better person for it. Have a great evening...talk to you all soon.