Evening to you all...
How is everyone doing this evening? I apologize for not being around here the last while. Work has been busy, holidays have been taken and to be quite honest, I have been doing pretty good. So the evenings when I would have been able to blog, I really didn't have anything profound or intelligent to say. Well wait a minute, I always have something intelligent to say, just not regarding my anxiety disorder. But tonight is the last night of holidays for me and I figured that I owed you a posting here. I actually have a few things to say tonight, so hold on to your lug nuts, its time for an overhaul! I hope that you have all had as an enjoyable summer as I/We have. We got to visit with some very good friends from the coast, went to a wedding, out to Kamloops to visit the in-laws and we had some really great weather. Unfortunately, the nice weather is on its way out the door and our favorite time of year is quickly approaching. Yes, the w word. Somebody had to say it here...
So I went and saw my doc last week about my meds and how they are working for me. I gotta be honest, pretty darn good, but I am and was feeling that I needed just a bit of a tweak on them. So I have been bumped up to 125mg of Zoloft now. As I told Krystle, I'm just not quite feeling all there yet. I'm doing my work on my own that I need to but, the meds just aren't cutting it, or weren't anyways. I've still been having some real struggles with the thought of someone near and dear passing away on me or my dog passing away. I have been trying to cope with those thoughts and how I will handle that day when it comes. I'm not morbid and don't think about it everyday, but I must admit it crosses my mind from time to time. I have also been struggling with the leaving of my comfort zone to go on a holiday somewhere. The thought of getting on a plane scares the crap out of me. This past weekend we went to Medicine Hat for a visit and wedding. We've lived there before and I have travelled that road many, many times but, I was anxious about that drive, staying at Krystle's grandparents house and being in a "different" town for a "new" experience. Weird eh?
It has only been a week now that I have upped the meds, but I am hoping that it does the trick for me in the end. I also had a really cool thought this past week regarding Ativan. Now, I know that awhile ago I blogged about talking an Ativan and how it bothered me to take one. How it made me feel somewhat more anxious. Some of you either messaged me, facebooked me or BBM'd me and gave me crap about not taking it. I didn't take anything personal from it and I was not offended that anyone gave me hassle about it. In fact, it made me feel good that some of you cared enough to say something regarding the taking of the Ativan. Anyways, this past week out of the blue, I was thinking about taking Ativan. Not because I needed one or anything like that, I was just thinking about it is all. I started to think back when I was anxious before how did I use the Ativan or cope with it back then. And I realized that I just took the damn thing! I didn't question it or wonder how it was going to affect me. I didn't wonder what the implications would be or anything like that. I just decided that I was not going to win this battle, so I would take the Ativan and live to fight another day.
Huh. Well, that is not at all how my thinking is now. Now, my thoughts run wild about how this will affect me, what could happen to me, where will this put me and so on and so on and so on. I had a minor epiphany I guess. I didn't have any concerns with taking it, I just took it. So why does this bother me now? You know, I don't have an answer for you on that one. I don't know why my thinking has changed on it just that it has. So, I am going to try really hard here in the future to just take it if I need it. Please don't message me and say that you told me so or anything like that. You didn't tell me, I had to figure it out on my own and get down to the crux of the matter.It just felt really great to realize that and be able to move forward from there. I guess the point of me telling you that is this, how or why does our minds change or we forget things? Besides all the "getting old" jokes there are out there, I'd really like an answer to this one. But, I digress...
As I said at the start here tonight, I have been feeling rather good lately. I did have a minor breakdown on the way to the Hat on Friday. Once again though, the super hero in plain clothes helped me out of it again. And yes, you all know her name...Krystle. This last week I also realized that my son was starting Kindergarten, my daughter is moving into Grade 2, we were getting a new dog when we came back from the Hat, work was starting again etc. The only constant thing here for me, was going back to work. Otherwise all of those things were; wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...changes! And how much does Shawn NOT like changes? Just a teeny bit. lol. Anyways, those changes along with driving down a desolate highway to a town where a few bad things happened to me and my family, added up to a nice little anxiety attack between Brooks and Bassano.
I started to feel warmth in my groin, and not the good kind either, mildly dizzy, sweaty palms and warm armpits. Uh-Oh...this can't be good. I told Krystle right away and she really helped me through it well. She was as cool as a cucumber. On a side note, what the hell does that even mean? Cool as a Cucumber?? Well, too late now, we've used it...gotta go with it. Anyways, Krystle just calmly and quietly rubbed my back and changed the topic so fast it was great. She got my mind thinking and off of the panic/anxiety attack by asking me to "name 10 things that..." are chocolate bars; different cars, boys names, girls names, name the 50 states, different flowers, colors of the rainbow, shades of blue and so on. It worked great and before I knew it, I was calm and relaxed and we were pulling into Medicine Hat.
Damn! I have the greatest wife and partner in the freaking world!!!!! Maybe next time that you are feeling anxious, get your significant other, friend, mom, sister or co-worker who knows what you are facing to try this with you. Maybe it will work for you and maybe it won't; but you won't know until you try it right? Well, I think that I am going to close for this evening. I have really missed doing this and I really enjoy all the emails, BBM's, Facebook messages and so on that I get from you all encouraging me to keep it up. Again, I am sorry for the tardiness as I have stated above, but it sure is great and fun to get back on here and pour out my thoughts and feelings to you all. Have a really great evening and I promise that I will do my best to be back here very soon. Take care of yourselves and love your families!
Sunday, 26 August 2012
Saturday, 14 July 2012
July 14/12
Good Evening to All,
How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!
How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!
Monday, 2 July 2012
July 2/12
Good Evening...
How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!
How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
June 19/12
Evening...
Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.
Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
June 13/12
Evening All...
How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.
You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!
How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.
You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
June 5/12
Morning to You...
How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn
How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn
Thursday, 10 May 2012
May 10/12
Evening to you...
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)