March 10/12

Good Evening All...
   I trust that you are all doing well this evening. I am doing okay this evening. I have been really struggling this last 10-14 days. Well, I should re-phrase that. I haven't been struggling, per se, I have just been dealing with a lot more anxiety recently. And I believe that it all culminates from us searching for a new home. We have been looking non-stop for a new house for our family. We have gone and looked at some really nice houses that would really put us behind the eight ball if we bought them; we have looked at some real garbage too. We have yet to find that house that we walk into and say, "This is it". I think that it has been really dragging me down to some degree.
   I find that when I get more "stressed" and anxious; I start to get more headaches, I am more tired, more irritable and I am VERY open to anxiety or panic attacks. My first sign this last little while is a very easy one. I am getting more headaches. Almost a tension headache. Where is this tension coming from? I am reading my book at night before going to sleep and I realize that I am totally clenching my jaw. Aha! Sign number one. Now, I also know that I am doing this sub-conciously which is a real hard habit to break, but it usually takes me a few days or a week to even realize that I am doing it. Then one day...
   I also am more open to anxiety attacks. Yesterday, (Friday) I had to drive down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck for work. After getting into Calgary and before getting to my office, BANG! I got caught up in some traffic. I tried really really hard to ignore my panic. I tried to slow my breathing and focus on other things, but I was WAY to late. I got that elastic band on my wrist, turned up the A/C (it was +16 in Calgary) and phoned Krystle. Right away she helped me to calm down and thankfully the traffic started to move. But we were at a standstill for about 3 or 4 minutes. Then last night, I started to have terrible thoughts of family members passing away and how will I cope with this when that day comes. I also had a few nightmares, which of course, helped me out tremendously!
   So my question this evening to you is this: How do you cope with the thoughts of one day losing friends or family members? I don't actually expect any of you to answer, just curious. I know that some of you who read my blog have already lost friends or family members. I also know one or two of you who ended up on some meds for a few days, weeks or months. So I know that some of you have already been down this road and have dealt with this exact thing. I myself, have not. Yes, I have had a few close friends pass away in my lifetime; but honestly, I have not had anyone close to me pass away for a really long time. I think that the last time someone did, I was 19 or 20. That was almost 20 years ago.
   I am very close to my mother. She is one of my best friends and we have quite a bit in common. We share some really good laughs; I phone her all the time when my dad is away at work; I try to look out for her when he is gone even though we live 1.5hrs apart. We share alot of common interests in movies and music. We watch alot of the same t.v shows. So, when that day comes to pass that she is no longer here; how will I cope with that? Right now, I picture myself unable to cope and locked up in the bin on a heavy dose of meds. Is this what will happen for me? I of course, do not know. I know that I try not to think about it as much as I can. I try not think about it as much as I can. But when my mind is stressed and my body is weak, as I said...I am very open to my mind taking over and controlling my thoughts.
   I think that all of us as parents and spouses also try not to think of losing our immediate family members at any time. I am in this same boat with all of you. I try my hardest to not think of these days, but it is hard. Of course, you will never be able to be in my mind and I in yours. So I wonder if you feel the same way about this as I do. It scares the hell out of me. It keeps me awake at night and my demons are biting at my heels. Hard. Non-stop. With no remorse. This does not even begin to describe the fear I feel, the thought patterns that develop in my mind when these thoughts come in. But, I just wanted to share with you this evening what was happening with me and how I was feeling.
   Now, to end this on a positive note; I did get through my panic/anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty good one, but my trusty elastic and Krystle helped me through it. Everyday that I get through one, its a good day. Everyday that I "pass" the test, its a good day. Krystle and I also decided to lay low on the house hunting for now. We have a good selection of homes that we like. We have a good base built up of some positive choices for our family. None have jumped up and smacked us in the face saying "buy me"; but, it is out there. I took some days off last week because I was starting to really feel burnt out by work. Well, this is the same thing. I am taking some days off from house hunting because I am starting to feel burnt out. Have a good night and be good to your families.
Shawn