Jan.26/12

Evening...
     No more suspense. What opened my door to anxiety? Well, as I said earlier, I had had two seperate anxiety attacks while I was still doing drugs. After I had the second one, I decided right then and there that I was quitting drugs. I mean, where was the fun in having a 500 mph heart beat, not being able to catch my breath (although, with breath like mine, I should be thankful! lol) and an impending doom? I never had another panic or anxiety attack for a number of years after that. In 2003, I met my wife while working around Drayton Valley. That's where Krystle was living and working at the time. Funny little story; Krystle was working at a liquor store. I went into the store she worked at one day and I met her while buying a case of beer. After meeting her there, that was the only store I went to for beer. Now, when I am at work, I have never partook in heavy volumes of liquor as I never enjoyed feeling like a bag of trash the next day. During my 2 week period of work, I would maybe have 2 or 3 beers a night and that was it. I went in everyday and bought a case of beer so that I could see her. I would go home with 68 beer, 59 beer, 83 beer everytime because I had to buy something so I didn't look like a perv. Sure spent a lot of money to meet some girl eh? lol
     Anyways, Krystle and I got married in 2004 and we decided because I worked away from home that we should start trying to get pregnant right away. You never know how long these things will take. Turns out that ours took about 5 minutes to happen. After that Christmas and shortly in the new year of 05, we found out that we were pregnant. And that my friends, is what opened that door.The rest of the year became a wash for me. I started to not sleep very well, I almost had a heart attack(so I thought) at a restaurant in the summer, we left a theater in the middle of a movie and said that we thought Krystle's water broke(they gave us our money back thankfully), I was fidgety, my appetite was upside down and I just didn't feel very right.
    Liliana was due on September 9th, 5 days after our anniversary. She ended up being late...13 days late. Krystle was induced 3 times to aid in bringing baby around. Finally on the 3rd induction, it started to take. What a hell day that was. After 8 or 9 hours of labour, they needed me to make a decision on whether or not she should have an epidural. "Mr. Metcalfe, your wife needs this but she could die. What do you want to do?" Of course that wasn't the exact conversation, but that is how it felt. Another big thing. Finally after the epidural and 2 or 3 hours of pushing, Liliana arrived. But she did arrive with her embilical cord wrapped around her neck with a nice hint of blue to her. After emergency breathing for her and reviving her, she let out a wail. We didn't know if we had a boy or a girl. They finally told us and I went around the corner and bawled my eyes out for literally 5 minutes.
      After bringing Liliana home, I really just felt that I had some male post-partum depression or something along those lines. I stayed home for about a month and then went back to work. I still wasn't really  feeling right and I was unsure what was going on in my mind and in my body. I went back to work in some sort of surly mood. I went in and saw my doctor around November and told him what was going on. He prescribed me some meds to balance out the chemicals in my brain and to treat the anxiety. BUT, I had my trepidations about taking some sort of brain medicine. I figured that I was going to be walking around like a zombie; I was just going to be living and not LIVING; my sex drive would go in the crapper; I'd be more suicidal or something...I just didn't know and was unsure. Besides that, I didn't have a "mental problem". I didn't belong in the same group of people who were cuckoo and crazy. Something weird was just going on. Christmas rolled around as did the New Year of 06. I had been working around the Stettler area and really enjoyed it. Sometime after my 33rd birthday on January 15th, I got sent up to Ft.MacMurray. The directions that I had forced me to drive WAY out of my way and over a ton of back roads. It had started to blizzard really bad and I mean blizzard. It was getting darker and darker. The snow was falling heavier and heavier. I had no cel phone service for the longest time.I felt like I was lost(I wasn't) and all alone(I was).
       The panic and anxiety was taking over. Finally, I found the rig and the engineer told me that he didn't need me out there for another 3 or 4 days. I phoned my boss and he told me to go home then for a few days. I stayed the night in Ft.Mac and drove home the next day. All the way home to Medicine Hat, I was crying. I wanted to slit my throat. I wanted to tear my brain out. I wanted to die. But mostly?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I got home that day and Krystle was there for me. I broke down right then and there in front of her. I knew that I needed help. I knew that I couldn't go anywhere to work and that I needed to get taken care of. I phoned the safety guy and told him what was going on. I told him that I couldn't go to work, I wasn't safe. He called my boss and took care of that.
     The next day, I went in and saw my doctor. I got a prescription for Paxcil. I got enrolled in the mental health program in Medicine Hat and my then office sent me to see a psychiatrist. THAT was fun, let me tell you. Yah, let me tell you tomorrow. I will close for tonight. Have a good evening. Take care and love your family.
Shawn