Jan.27/12

Hello Again...
   So I was mentioning yesterday that I had the priviledge of going and seeing a psychiatrist back in '06. I won't get into a ton of details but I sure felt intimidated. I was under a microscope for something that I had no clue about. I did get to see the final report from her in which she said that I had an anxiety disorder, but she did say a few other things about me that were completely untrue and that I haven't forgotten to this day. An example? I am very anal about nice clean fingernails. I liike to keep my short and neat. I have never, ever in my entire life chewed on a nail except for if I was at work and ripped one and had no clippers handy. She said that she thought I was obsessive or something because "he obviously chews on his nails." You know when someone says something about you that is JUST NOT true and your blood starts to boil? Just like that?
   Anyways, that is neither here nor there. So, I was off of work for about 3 months getting the medication in order and my body adjusted to you. Before I continue any further, I want to mention that I will and have talked about medication's here. I am not promoting or condoning any medicines. I am telling you what did or did not work for me. That is all. Take from it what you will. So as I mentioned earlier, my doctor had prescribed Paxcil for me. I started to take it finally and was scared about it. What was it going to do to me? Was I going to go crazy, slit my wrists, start talking to random strangers asking them for the time? Of course, none of that happened. Funny thing is, I've always been a little crazy; I've never wanted to slit my wrists and I always talk to random strangers. But that's just me...
   The Paxcil did work for me but it made me VERy sleepy. I mean, I couldn't function without having a nap. I could sleep for 8, 11 or 15 hrs and I still would've been dead tired. I also had NO sex drive. I could have walked into my house and my wife said, "I have a surprise for you." Jessica Biel could have been laying naked on my bed and Krystle said to have fun. Ain't no fun would've been happening in there. No drive at all. After about 4 or 5 months on the Paxcil, I went in and saw my doctor. After telling him what was going on, he switched me off of the Paxcil and put me onto Cipralex. Cipralex worked wonders for me until last year. But we are not in 2011 yet, we are still stuck in '06. I started to attend meetings every week that were a mix of a workshop, a support group and a counselling session.
   I learned about having a "toolbox" and keeping "tools" in it to help me deal with anxiety attacks. I learned that I was not or am not the only person in the world with an anxiety disorder or any sort of mental disorder. I was still having some trouble understanding why this happened to me. I was never the cool guy, I was never the loser. I was really good at some sports and not too bad at others. I loved music and movies; camping and the outdoors. Had always wanted to be a Dad and a good husband. I loved my job; I loved my family. I was always joking around. Hell, I'd been on stage!! Why? Why did this happen to me? These were some of the things that were being tackled in my "class" as I like to refer to them. I also like to call it the "cuckoo group". LOL I'm laughing right now!!
   So some of the walls were starting to get broken down and some of my own misconceptions about mental illness started to go away. Do you want to know the most eye opening thing? I was that guy that always had a little chuckle at some dude talking to himself in the street. Or the woman with a faraway look in her eyes while she is picking bottles out of the garbage. I realized going to that group, I was exactly the same as they were. No, I wasn't picking bottles out of the garbage can or talking to myself on the street, but I had and have a mental illness. Boy, talk about feeling like a piece of crap after realizing that. My heart suddenly went out to these people. What made me better than them? Nothing. I just had the ability to get my medicine, I had a wonderful support and a loving home/family. Shame on me.
   Anyways...as I was learning "coping skills", I started to put them into practice. I remember one of the first jobs that I went to in May or June of that year was going to be up at Rainbow Lake. That is about a 8-10hr drive away from Medicine Hat. How was I going to make it up there all alone? You know what I did? I pretended that I was going on an adventure and it worked for me. That was one little trick I learned myself in dealing with this. Things were starting to go really, really well for me. I was back working; my medicine was working; my wife hadn't left me; some of my family was supporting me also and I still had my job that I absolutely loved. I worked right through the summer and into the fall. OH!!!! I forgot to mention something.
    Krystle and I wanted to have two kids. During the time of getting the medicine working and all of the kinks out, we decided that we were already in baby mode so we might as well try again. Bummer for me! lol In March or April(I don't recall), we found out we were pregnant and that we were going to have a boy. We found out on this one because my parents were moving to India. So we flipped a coin. Heads we find out, Tails we wait. It was Heads. Back to the story...right, okay. I was doing well and had a few engineers around Westlock that were liking my work. I came home for a few days off and was supposed to phone the engineer in a day or two. I did things by the book and called my boss to be sure that I was to go back to Westlock. Instead, I got fired.
   Now, they will tell you that "things were slowing down" and that "they didn't have a place for me". HUH?? We are in November coming into the busiest time of the year and we are slowing down? I had been there for 3 years and they didn't have a place for me? My eyes were suddenly open to the stigmata attached to mental illness. What a punch in the gut, kick in the junk that was. And we will continue it tomorrow. Have a good evening. Be safe and tell your kids you love them.
Shawn