Jan.29/12

Hello to everyone,
   Oh my goodness...what a long day I had today. But here I am anyways. So last night I was telling you about us coming home from Colorado. To continue with that, we came home around the end of February or early March. I don't really recall. We had absolutely no where to go when we came home. My folks were living in India, Krystle's dad and step-mom really did not have the room for us in Lloydminster, so Krystle phoned her mom and step-dad in Kamloops and that was where we went. I made a few trips out to Alberta as I already had a job when coming back with a safety company. But that ended up falling through as times were getting tough up here also. After living in Kamloops for a month or so, we headed back out here to Alberta and decided to settle in Red Deer again.
   I got a job inspecting lease back return vehicles while I waited for the rigs to get going again. At the end of January '09, I got on with another mud company. I was pretty happy. Amazingly, throughout all of the garbage of us having to move home, go to Kamloops, come back here, work a crappy job and basic life management; I only had one really anxiety attack. My best friend who is more like my brother than a friend lives here and is a Fire-Medic. I remember feeling like I was having a heart attack, so he came over and checked me out. All was good, I was just having an anxiety attack. Anyways, I started running mud again in January and all was well with the world. In that spring, we had the oppurtunity to move to Blackfalds(just north of RD about 10kms) and live in a house and have a garage again and a nice yard instead of living in a townhouse. We still hadn't bought a new house and prices were still a bit high, so we took the oppurtunity.
   This ended up being quite a bad move for us. It was very stressful as the person we were renting from was well known to us. It created some extra stress for me and caused some great anxiety for me also. We ended up leaving that house after only 4 months of living there. There is more to the story that I am leaving out, but it doesn't need to be told here. Anyways, we moved back into RD and rented a house again. So this was August. I started feeling "off" around the end of August, but I couldn't put my finger on it. My job was going really good, my relationship with my wife has always been awesome, my kids were good, family was good. I just chalked it up to all the stress going on around us with the move back into town. It was finally catching up to me and that was that.
   September rolled into October and I was still feeling really weird. I wasn't having any anxiety attacks or anything like that...my body was just telling me something that I could not hear or didn't understand. Finally around the beginning of November, it hit. It hit me hard. A close friend had had a breast augmentation and while talking to her one day, I mentioned that I was curious to see it. Not in a sick perverted way as I was and am very close to this person. She sent me a picture to view. I was just curious and didn't actually "know" anyone who had had anything like that done. I opened that picture on my computer and started to view the picture. BAM!!!!! It smoked me in the face. I felt dirty, disgusting, weird, scared and ashamed all at once. I wasn't viewing the picture in a bad way, I was 100% sincere in my actions. But that pushed my brain over the edge.
   I lost control. I took an Ativan right away to calm myself down, but it did nothing for me. My heart was pounding and my mind was going CRAZY. I had a million thoughts going on in and around my mind. I wanted death, I wanted to cut my brain out, I wanted to stab myself in the eyes...something, just please God, please make it stop. Ativan usually takes about 10 minutes to start working. I took a second Ativan 20 minutes later. I was crying like a baby, I called Krystle for help. I needed help. Nothing was working, all of my tools? Gone. I needed something and I didn't know what it was. But after finally calming down somewhat and the Ativan taking effect, I called my boss. I told him what had happened and that I needed a few days off to see my doctor. A guy came up to relieve me on Friday and I drove 140km/h all the home to RD to see someone. I got in to see the doc(not my family doc) and he gave me an increase in my prescription. He boosted me from 10mg/day to 15mg/day.
   Okay. All was going to be well. My meds were boosted and I could go back to work. I went back on Tuesday and everything was going good. Until I came home around the 20th of November.
   Have a good night. We will continue this tomorrow evening. Thanks for your support in this.
Shawn