Jan.30/12

  Hello to Everyone,
   I came home on November 20th still not feeling good at all. Things were about to get worse. My boss phoned me and told me that I was going to be heading up a project around Ft.MacMurray. That was really cool and scary at the same time. I was not looking forward to having to go back to "The Mac" and face my demons. My demons being that this was where this all started for me. Of course, reading this you know that it didn't actually start there, but it was the "beginning of the end" for me. I had some meetings to attend in Calgary with the Oil company that were mandatory for me to be at. These took place around the beginning of December. I was so far gone at this point and didn't even know it. Leading up to the meetings, I was still feeling off, way more anxious, way more stressed; very similar to when Liliana was born. The first meeting day, I drove in to Calgary sweating bullets. I was going to have to go up in an elevator, sit in a cramped room, talk about rigs and blah, blah, blah. I was a nervous wreck. Somehow I managed to get through that meeting.
   My next meeting was going to be 5 days later at the oil company's office. I drove in again for that meeting feeling the same way again. This time though, I was worked up and jacked up, I started throwing up before even making my way into the building. My boss happened to be coming down the sidewalk and saw me vomiting. I lied to him and told him that I must have picked up a flu bug. I knew exactly what was going on. I couldn't wait to get out of Calgary and get home. Home to my safe place. This was one thing that I was definitely noticing and that was that I didn't want to leave the comforts of my home, my safe place. I also started to develop some other weird things. I couldn't drive Liliana to school; I couldn't go through a drive-thru and I didn't want to be alone. I was developing some deep psychosis and was not aware of it. Of course, I was aware that something was going on, but I didn't realize how deep this was going or how far it was going to go.
    The third meeting was a total wash. I went in again with the same feelings. This time I actually made it upstairs and into the meeting. I was white as a ghost, sweating like a pig and very nauseous. My boss sent me home at the morning coffee break. Whew! I stayed home for almost all of December as the project was not going until the beginning of January. The days and nights went by, but I was still feeling low, scared, somewhat suicidal, anxious, depressed and most of all trapped. Around the 27th or 28th, I got a call to head to Kindersley as we had a project we were about to be run off from and they needed a senior guy there to get it back on track. YES!!! I was not going to Ft.Mac. I drove to Kindersley talking to Krystle most of the way though, as I was really anxious about not being at or near my safe place. She was very supportive of me and talked me through a lot of garbage that was going on.
   Once I was there and took the bull by the horns, so to speak, my anxiety totally went away. Gone, just like that. SOOOOO...I figured that I had just needed something to get me back on track and give me a sense of purpose or belonging if you will. I worked out there for about 25 or 26 days straight with one little anxiety attack. I was back on the horse and ready to ride. I went home for a few days to chill out and relax. I am or was always a little bit anxious when I first get home because I am excited to see my wife and kids, to be home and see friends. But it is mostly "the change". Change of routine, change of eating habits, change of exercise habits, change of t.v watching, change, change, change. This time though, I had a really good breakdown. Krystle's brother and his family were moving to RD and we were to drive up to Edmonton and help them move. I got up the morning not feeling right AT ALL. But, I was working through it. We had breakfast and got the kids ready to go. It was a mild day, -6 or -8 something like that. The sun was shining brightly and we made it to Ponoka. About 50kms North of RD. How fitting that I was losing control in the town that houses Alberta Mental Hospital! lol.
   We pulled into the Super 8 parking lot and I got out of the truck, pacing back and forth. I was wearing zip off pants that day, so I took the bottoms off and was wearing shorts and a t-shirt in the parking lot. I was leaking like a sieve. I was putting snow on my forehead, in my shirt and I think I even put some in my pants to cool down and relax. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zero was working. We turned back around and headed for RD after about 30 minutes in the parking lot. I knew right then and there that I was going to be in trouble and that my ticket had been punched for a nasty ride on the roller coaster. I needed my safe house, my ativan, my blanket, my tv, my fireplace. I just needed my home and to be home. I think I cried all the way home to RD unsure of the future and what my mind had in store for me.
Shawn