Jan.31/12

Evening to all...
   Continuing on from last night; I think the thing that was the hardest to cope with or deal with was seeing the pain that this was causing Krystle. She had to be the strong one, she was constantly worried about our future and whether or not I would get better. She was making decisions that she didn't want to make alone. She was going places alone, taking Liliana to school and all the while not being able to have me help. Classic example of this was what I talked about yesterday. After coming home from Ponoka and not being able to drive to Edmonton to help out her brother, she went up the next day with the kids to help out and left me at home alone. So this disease and fight was not just for me, it heavily involved my wife as well and took a big toll on her.
    So anyways, we got back from Edmonton/Ponoka and I went in that day to see a counsellor. I also went in to see my doctor to get my meds adjusted again. I was a pretty big mess. Things were getting worse for me and I started to develop some symptoms of "agoraphobia". Agoraphobia is the fear of absolutely everything. And I mean everything. Now, I did not have that per se, I had some symptoms of it. Case in point: Gabriel's 4th birthday party was a about 10 days after his birthday. It was really cold out and I was supposed to drive down to Calgary to bring my mom back here for the party. She was going to stay the night and then we were going to all go down to Calgary the next day to take her home. I didn't even make it to Innisfail which is about 29kms down the road. I couldn't. I pulled over about 4 or 5 times and started to cry.
    During this time, I had my meds boosted once again, now up to 20mg./day and it was going to be no higher. My doctor gave me a note excusing me from work for 10 days. My immediate boss was very cool about all of this as he had a family member who was going through the same thing. My office wanted me to do some work here from home on my computer. I happily did it as I wanted to stay connected to something and feel some importance. I did quite a bit of counselling in the month of January, both through my work via telephone and going into the Red Deer Mental Health Association office. I also got back into going to my Wednesday night group meeting called, Creating Solutions. Needless to say, I wasn't creating any solutions, but it was great to talk to others going through the same things as me.
   Towards the end of January, I had clearance to go back to work and was sent to Lloydminster. Well, north of Lloyd anyways. It was a camp job and I REALLY didn't want to be away from a town. I did not too bad on the way there but I lost it just short of Lloyd. I called my boss bawling my eyes out and told him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't get to the rig. Thankfully my father-in-law and step-mom in law live in Lloyd and I was able to stop by his work. That helped me out a little bit as did talking to my boss and my wife. Again, I managed to get out there and I am sure only by the grace of God. After arriving there that afternoon, I still wasn't 100%. I called Krystle at around 1am that night because I was scared to go to sleep by myself. Now, I'm gonna tell you all a secret. I used to have a "King Louie" from the Jungle Book movie. He was my security blanket when I was away from home. If I needed that comfort to deal with an anxiety attack, I used the King.
   But eventually, my dog ate the stuffing out of him, literally. Now, I have had a Winnie the Pooh for the last 3 or 4 years that I borrowed from my daughter. He has been used from time to time. On this particular evening, me and Pooh were trying to go to sleep but it just wasn't working. Krystle convinced me to take an Ativan to go to sleep. After that night, I didn't sleep in the bedroom once as there was no tv to help me feel comfortable. Anyways, don't judge me with Pooh or we might have to have words! Just as I was getting to the end of that 2 week period at work, my boss dropped a bombshell on me. When I was done in Lloyd, I was supposed to go up to Ft.Mac. For the next 2 or 3 or 4 days, my worries get greater and greater. My anxiety got more and more severe as the day was looming closer for me to go.
   I stopped into Lloyd that day and had lunch with my in-laws. I started to make my way from Lloyd to Ft. Mac. But I was in trouble. Big trouble was brewing and it was waiting for me in Vegreville.