Jan.28/12

Evening again...
   So where were we? Oh yah, I had been fired. Of course they  covered their butts six ways from Sunday. They gave me some money and on my R.O.E(record of employment) they put let go due to shortage of work. I was pretty hurt and not too mention stunned by all of this. They did give me enough money that my family could survive for a little while before I HAD to get back to work. With Gabriel's birth just around the corner and no parents around to help us out, we decided that I would stay home until after the birth and then get to work again. Besides, it was the busy season; I would have no trouble finding another mud job. On January 4th/07, my big boy was born. Another quick funny story? Sure. So there we are at home when Krystle's water broke at around 01:00 in the morning. We phoned our friend who was doing one of those doula classes and using Krystle as a practicum, to ask whether or not we should head it to the hospital. And we did just that. But with Liliana's birth being 3 years late, I figured that we had ALL the time in the world to get there. Sooooooo, I stopped at a Mac's store to buy a coffee and a magazine to read. After all, we were going to be at the hospital for another 2 or 3 days right? Wrong. We arrived at the hospital at 01:45 and Gabriel was born at 06:30. I didn't even get to read my magazine. lol
   Anyways, after Gabriel's birth, I applied to every mud company out there. But I couldn't get a job. Want to know why? Well, the company I was working for obviously could not tell anyone that I had "mental problems", so they told other companies that I was "lazy, unreliable, untrustworthy, didn't do a good job". I found this out by accident in an email. I still have the printed copy to this day. THAT really stung. Why didn't you just call me an alcoholic who molests children for pete's sake. I ended up having to swallow my pride and go back to working on the rigs and not with the rigs. I did that for the entire winter season and spring of 07.  Shortly after the spring had come and gone, I got a call from a mud company that I had previously applied to. In fact, they were the ones that accidentally told me what was being said about me by my previous employer.
    So these guys phoned me and asked me if I wanted to go run mud in India. I was a bit skeptical about the whole deal but it turned out to be legit. During this time, we decided to sell our house in Medicine Hat and move up here to central Alberta to be closer to friends and family. Krystle did not want to be all alone down in Medicine Hat while I was gone for 4 - 6 weeks at a time. I also asked my doctor if I could try going off of my med's and see how I would do without them. Well, it didn't turn out to be a really good idea around November of '07. I was over working in India now, we did not buy another house because the market was so ridiculous and we didn't know if we wanted to stay in Red Deer. I started to bring myself down gradually off of the meds. On October 30/07, I went back over to India for a stint. I didn't end up coming home until December 22nd. That whole time I was in India, I was not myself in any way. My mind felt crazy, I felt unstable.
   I didn't want to just start taking medicine again without seeing my doctor. Oh, we got a really good reference to a new doctor here in Red Deer who had just gotten out of med school. Turns out she was from Medicine Hat and knew our old doctor. She is an awesome doctor and has treated me good this entire time. Anyways, I managed to make it through Christmas without meds (feeling mildly suicidal the entire time, but that another story!) and went in a saw her first thing after Christmas. I was back on the Cipralex and realized a very crucial important chapter of my life had just opened for me. I was going to be on medication for the rest of my life. The good part of this? Well, I also realized that diabetic's have to be on medication for their entire life; cancer patients need their chemotherapy; parkinson's patients need their meds; arthritis sufferer's need their meds...I was going to be just like them and taking medications for a long time or at least for a while. So, it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
   In the spring of '08, my office asked me to go down and work in Colorado. I did and I absolutely loved it. Shortly after being there, I was asked if my family would be interested in moving down there. Krystle and I jumped at the chance. In October, we left Canada and headed down to live in Colorado. We stayed down there until the spring of '09 when the oilfield dried right up. This was shortly after the Obama administration decided that it did not need the American oilfield. Another opinion, another story, another time. The point of all of this is that, throughout all of these ups and downs from the beginning of '08 and until well after we came home in '09, my medication and my "toolbox" were working wonders for me. I was using my tools(self talk; questioning my belief about something harmful or scary to me; talking to my wife, my mom, my friends, etc.) and taking my meds and NOT using one single solitary Ativan. AND, I was getting through it.
   I was surviving, I was succeeding and my anxiety was almost a thing of the past. Yes, I had the days when I told Krystle that I was not "feeling right" and I could chalk up the experience to something else that had happened to create that stress or anxiety. I could get on a plane with no problems whatsoever and fly over to India or down to Colorado and not have ANY anxiety. Yes, I still had to use my tools to do so, but I was managing. Before I shut it down for tonight, I want to share a tool that I used frequently that might help you out a bit even if you do not have any anxiety issues. Here is what I did in this exact situation. I am getting on a plane to go to India right? And I am feeling anxious about it. "Shawn, what is the problem here? Well, I am feeling really anxious about this flight. Okay, fair enough; what are you anxious about? Well, I am going to fly halfway around the world, I am going to be away from my family for 50 days and I am going to be alone. Okay! Is it reasonable that you are anxious about all of this? Yes, it is very reasonable. Okay. I understand. So your anxiety is what, a 7, an 8 out of 10? Yeah, something like that. Okay, so is it reasonable to be freaking out about riding on this plane and worrying about your family and being alone? No, not really. Okay, so why don't you do this in little steps. Be a little anxious about the plane ride. Are you going to have something to do? Yes. Are you going to get to eat? Yes. (eating is very important to me!lol) Is this going to be an adventure of sorts? Yes. OKAY THEN...bring that anxiety down about 3 or 4 points.
   Generally, it helped me out numerous times. Not always has it worked, but quite a bit. I'm sorry that this piece was a little longer tonight for you to read. I will try not to write a book tomorrow. Have a good night and be safe out there.
Shawn