Feb.1/12

Wow...February already...
   Okay, I said Vegreville yesterday was where a poop storm was brewing for me, but it might have been Vermillion. Either way, it is a town that starts with a V. And what's the difference, one has the world's largest Ukrainian egg and the other has a college. Everybody is wanting to get there. Not. lol. Anyways, whatever town it was, the crap hit the fan for me. I stopped at the 7-11 and just sat there bawling my eyes out. I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I had taken 2 ativan to make myself relax. my mind was racing and it would not stop. I remember wishing that I could cut my head open and dig around in my brain to make it better. So my my boss suggested I check into a hotel and try to rest before continuing on my way. Of course, I had called Krystle and told her what was going on. She wasn't overly happy about it, but we didn't have much of a choice.
   I checked out of the hotel later that evening around 6pm. I drove around the town for about an hour. My mind was already racing. I pulled up to the Tim Horton's and just sat in my truck. I started crying uncontrollably again. Again, I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I couldn't go to Ft.Mac. I remember him asking me 'what does it feel like, how do you feel'? I will tell you today exactly what it felt like. It felt like a strobe light going off in my head. Quick sudden thoughts flashing and flashing. Thoughts of suicide, thoughts of my family dying, thoughts of friends, thoughts of high school, thoughts of drugs, thoughts of rigs I had been on, places I had been, groups of friends I had at different times in my life and on and on and on. It literally felt like a strobe light that I could not stop to focus on ONE specific thought that was passing through my brain. I really just wanted to die that night.
   So I didn't end up going to Ft.Mac. I stayed in the hotel that night and drove home to RD the next day. I believe that it was a Saturday or a Sunday, I don't remember. And I'm sorry I don't remember the exact time of the year, but it must have been somewhere around the end of February. I continued doing paperwork on my computer for my office while I was at home on medical leave. My doctor took me off of the Cipralex as she didn't think that it was working for me anymore. I started taking 50mg of Zoloft and have been on that since last year. But we are not there yet or should I say, here yet. The month of March is quite a blur to me but for one thing. I was still having problems doing things alone; going through a drive-thru without Krystle by my side; taking Beaner to school; visiting with friends or family; being out of the house at night...
    Have most of you heard of the show Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel? It is one of my favorite shows. For those who don't know, it is the show about the crab fishing in Alaska. There was a captain on that show that passed away the season before, Captain Phil. I really liked his "character" even though he played himself. After he had passed away, they did a few tribute shows to him and in one of the shows they did; they showed his life and things he had done. One of the things he had done, was build birdhouses. Very intricate birdhouses. He talked about how peaceful it was to do them and how much he enjoyed them. I thought that that was pretty cool, this burly biker-crab fisherman-cursing sailor-of a man did this "pretty" little thing. And it never struck me until March of last year.
   I started to build birdhouses and that was the one thing that is not or was not a blur for me. It really helped or aided in my healing. Of course, building them did not heal me or turn things around overnight; but they let me get into a zone and forget about all of my problems. It was peaceful just as Captain Phil said it was. Just before the end of March, I was starting to feel a little bit better. I was changing some of my thinking; I had threw away my old "toolbox" and bought a new one; I started to adapt with some new tools. I was reading everything I could get my hands on. If anyone is reading this and is looking for something to aid them, I will post my books I bought at the end that helped me. Anyways, using workbooks, going to counselling and trying new coping strategies helped a little bit, I was still a LONG ways away before feeling better.
   I asked my doctor on a Friday if she thought that I could try to go back to work. I told her I wasn't 100% or even near it, but maybe that was something that could help me out. I was longing to be part of something again and doing something I loved to do. So she gave me the thumbs up and told me to try it out. I faxed my clearance letter in on Friday. Sunday I was to be going to Drayton Valley. That Sunday morning, the big boss sent me an email telling me to come into Calgary on the following Wednesday and to not go to Drayton. I asked him what was going on. Was I being fired? Cause if I was, let's just get it over with tomorrow(Monday). He said that we just needed to talk. I knew what was coming but I held out hope that they were different and weren't going to can me because of my mental illness. Krystle on the other hand did not hold out the hope that I did. Wednesday came and we drove down to Calgary together after leaving the kids at Krystle's brother's house. Guess what?? I got fired.

   The books I used are as follows: "Telling Yourself The Truth" - William Backus and Marie Chapian
                                                      "The Anxiety Cure" - Dr. Archibald D. Hart
                                                       Both of those are found at any Christian bookstore.
                                              
                                                        "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook' - Edmund J. Bourne 5th Edition
                                                         Found at Chapters or any book store