Evening to all...
Continuing on from last night; I think the thing that was the hardest to cope with or deal with was seeing the pain that this was causing Krystle. She had to be the strong one, she was constantly worried about our future and whether or not I would get better. She was making decisions that she didn't want to make alone. She was going places alone, taking Liliana to school and all the while not being able to have me help. Classic example of this was what I talked about yesterday. After coming home from Ponoka and not being able to drive to Edmonton to help out her brother, she went up the next day with the kids to help out and left me at home alone. So this disease and fight was not just for me, it heavily involved my wife as well and took a big toll on her.
So anyways, we got back from Edmonton/Ponoka and I went in that day to see a counsellor. I also went in to see my doctor to get my meds adjusted again. I was a pretty big mess. Things were getting worse for me and I started to develop some symptoms of "agoraphobia". Agoraphobia is the fear of absolutely everything. And I mean everything. Now, I did not have that per se, I had some symptoms of it. Case in point: Gabriel's 4th birthday party was a about 10 days after his birthday. It was really cold out and I was supposed to drive down to Calgary to bring my mom back here for the party. She was going to stay the night and then we were going to all go down to Calgary the next day to take her home. I didn't even make it to Innisfail which is about 29kms down the road. I couldn't. I pulled over about 4 or 5 times and started to cry.
During this time, I had my meds boosted once again, now up to 20mg./day and it was going to be no higher. My doctor gave me a note excusing me from work for 10 days. My immediate boss was very cool about all of this as he had a family member who was going through the same thing. My office wanted me to do some work here from home on my computer. I happily did it as I wanted to stay connected to something and feel some importance. I did quite a bit of counselling in the month of January, both through my work via telephone and going into the Red Deer Mental Health Association office. I also got back into going to my Wednesday night group meeting called, Creating Solutions. Needless to say, I wasn't creating any solutions, but it was great to talk to others going through the same things as me.
Towards the end of January, I had clearance to go back to work and was sent to Lloydminster. Well, north of Lloyd anyways. It was a camp job and I REALLY didn't want to be away from a town. I did not too bad on the way there but I lost it just short of Lloyd. I called my boss bawling my eyes out and told him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't get to the rig. Thankfully my father-in-law and step-mom in law live in Lloyd and I was able to stop by his work. That helped me out a little bit as did talking to my boss and my wife. Again, I managed to get out there and I am sure only by the grace of God. After arriving there that afternoon, I still wasn't 100%. I called Krystle at around 1am that night because I was scared to go to sleep by myself. Now, I'm gonna tell you all a secret. I used to have a "King Louie" from the Jungle Book movie. He was my security blanket when I was away from home. If I needed that comfort to deal with an anxiety attack, I used the King.
But eventually, my dog ate the stuffing out of him, literally. Now, I have had a Winnie the Pooh for the last 3 or 4 years that I borrowed from my daughter. He has been used from time to time. On this particular evening, me and Pooh were trying to go to sleep but it just wasn't working. Krystle convinced me to take an Ativan to go to sleep. After that night, I didn't sleep in the bedroom once as there was no tv to help me feel comfortable. Anyways, don't judge me with Pooh or we might have to have words! Just as I was getting to the end of that 2 week period at work, my boss dropped a bombshell on me. When I was done in Lloyd, I was supposed to go up to Ft.Mac. For the next 2 or 3 or 4 days, my worries get greater and greater. My anxiety got more and more severe as the day was looming closer for me to go.
I stopped into Lloyd that day and had lunch with my in-laws. I started to make my way from Lloyd to Ft. Mac. But I was in trouble. Big trouble was brewing and it was waiting for me in Vegreville.
Tuesday 31 January 2012
Monday 30 January 2012
Jan.30/12
Hello to Everyone,
I came home on November 20th still not feeling good at all. Things were about to get worse. My boss phoned me and told me that I was going to be heading up a project around Ft.MacMurray. That was really cool and scary at the same time. I was not looking forward to having to go back to "The Mac" and face my demons. My demons being that this was where this all started for me. Of course, reading this you know that it didn't actually start there, but it was the "beginning of the end" for me. I had some meetings to attend in Calgary with the Oil company that were mandatory for me to be at. These took place around the beginning of December. I was so far gone at this point and didn't even know it. Leading up to the meetings, I was still feeling off, way more anxious, way more stressed; very similar to when Liliana was born. The first meeting day, I drove in to Calgary sweating bullets. I was going to have to go up in an elevator, sit in a cramped room, talk about rigs and blah, blah, blah. I was a nervous wreck. Somehow I managed to get through that meeting.
My next meeting was going to be 5 days later at the oil company's office. I drove in again for that meeting feeling the same way again. This time though, I was worked up and jacked up, I started throwing up before even making my way into the building. My boss happened to be coming down the sidewalk and saw me vomiting. I lied to him and told him that I must have picked up a flu bug. I knew exactly what was going on. I couldn't wait to get out of Calgary and get home. Home to my safe place. This was one thing that I was definitely noticing and that was that I didn't want to leave the comforts of my home, my safe place. I also started to develop some other weird things. I couldn't drive Liliana to school; I couldn't go through a drive-thru and I didn't want to be alone. I was developing some deep psychosis and was not aware of it. Of course, I was aware that something was going on, but I didn't realize how deep this was going or how far it was going to go.
The third meeting was a total wash. I went in again with the same feelings. This time I actually made it upstairs and into the meeting. I was white as a ghost, sweating like a pig and very nauseous. My boss sent me home at the morning coffee break. Whew! I stayed home for almost all of December as the project was not going until the beginning of January. The days and nights went by, but I was still feeling low, scared, somewhat suicidal, anxious, depressed and most of all trapped. Around the 27th or 28th, I got a call to head to Kindersley as we had a project we were about to be run off from and they needed a senior guy there to get it back on track. YES!!! I was not going to Ft.Mac. I drove to Kindersley talking to Krystle most of the way though, as I was really anxious about not being at or near my safe place. She was very supportive of me and talked me through a lot of garbage that was going on.
Once I was there and took the bull by the horns, so to speak, my anxiety totally went away. Gone, just like that. SOOOOO...I figured that I had just needed something to get me back on track and give me a sense of purpose or belonging if you will. I worked out there for about 25 or 26 days straight with one little anxiety attack. I was back on the horse and ready to ride. I went home for a few days to chill out and relax. I am or was always a little bit anxious when I first get home because I am excited to see my wife and kids, to be home and see friends. But it is mostly "the change". Change of routine, change of eating habits, change of exercise habits, change of t.v watching, change, change, change. This time though, I had a really good breakdown. Krystle's brother and his family were moving to RD and we were to drive up to Edmonton and help them move. I got up the morning not feeling right AT ALL. But, I was working through it. We had breakfast and got the kids ready to go. It was a mild day, -6 or -8 something like that. The sun was shining brightly and we made it to Ponoka. About 50kms North of RD. How fitting that I was losing control in the town that houses Alberta Mental Hospital! lol.
We pulled into the Super 8 parking lot and I got out of the truck, pacing back and forth. I was wearing zip off pants that day, so I took the bottoms off and was wearing shorts and a t-shirt in the parking lot. I was leaking like a sieve. I was putting snow on my forehead, in my shirt and I think I even put some in my pants to cool down and relax. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zero was working. We turned back around and headed for RD after about 30 minutes in the parking lot. I knew right then and there that I was going to be in trouble and that my ticket had been punched for a nasty ride on the roller coaster. I needed my safe house, my ativan, my blanket, my tv, my fireplace. I just needed my home and to be home. I think I cried all the way home to RD unsure of the future and what my mind had in store for me.
Shawn
I came home on November 20th still not feeling good at all. Things were about to get worse. My boss phoned me and told me that I was going to be heading up a project around Ft.MacMurray. That was really cool and scary at the same time. I was not looking forward to having to go back to "The Mac" and face my demons. My demons being that this was where this all started for me. Of course, reading this you know that it didn't actually start there, but it was the "beginning of the end" for me. I had some meetings to attend in Calgary with the Oil company that were mandatory for me to be at. These took place around the beginning of December. I was so far gone at this point and didn't even know it. Leading up to the meetings, I was still feeling off, way more anxious, way more stressed; very similar to when Liliana was born. The first meeting day, I drove in to Calgary sweating bullets. I was going to have to go up in an elevator, sit in a cramped room, talk about rigs and blah, blah, blah. I was a nervous wreck. Somehow I managed to get through that meeting.
My next meeting was going to be 5 days later at the oil company's office. I drove in again for that meeting feeling the same way again. This time though, I was worked up and jacked up, I started throwing up before even making my way into the building. My boss happened to be coming down the sidewalk and saw me vomiting. I lied to him and told him that I must have picked up a flu bug. I knew exactly what was going on. I couldn't wait to get out of Calgary and get home. Home to my safe place. This was one thing that I was definitely noticing and that was that I didn't want to leave the comforts of my home, my safe place. I also started to develop some other weird things. I couldn't drive Liliana to school; I couldn't go through a drive-thru and I didn't want to be alone. I was developing some deep psychosis and was not aware of it. Of course, I was aware that something was going on, but I didn't realize how deep this was going or how far it was going to go.
The third meeting was a total wash. I went in again with the same feelings. This time I actually made it upstairs and into the meeting. I was white as a ghost, sweating like a pig and very nauseous. My boss sent me home at the morning coffee break. Whew! I stayed home for almost all of December as the project was not going until the beginning of January. The days and nights went by, but I was still feeling low, scared, somewhat suicidal, anxious, depressed and most of all trapped. Around the 27th or 28th, I got a call to head to Kindersley as we had a project we were about to be run off from and they needed a senior guy there to get it back on track. YES!!! I was not going to Ft.Mac. I drove to Kindersley talking to Krystle most of the way though, as I was really anxious about not being at or near my safe place. She was very supportive of me and talked me through a lot of garbage that was going on.
Once I was there and took the bull by the horns, so to speak, my anxiety totally went away. Gone, just like that. SOOOOO...I figured that I had just needed something to get me back on track and give me a sense of purpose or belonging if you will. I worked out there for about 25 or 26 days straight with one little anxiety attack. I was back on the horse and ready to ride. I went home for a few days to chill out and relax. I am or was always a little bit anxious when I first get home because I am excited to see my wife and kids, to be home and see friends. But it is mostly "the change". Change of routine, change of eating habits, change of exercise habits, change of t.v watching, change, change, change. This time though, I had a really good breakdown. Krystle's brother and his family were moving to RD and we were to drive up to Edmonton and help them move. I got up the morning not feeling right AT ALL. But, I was working through it. We had breakfast and got the kids ready to go. It was a mild day, -6 or -8 something like that. The sun was shining brightly and we made it to Ponoka. About 50kms North of RD. How fitting that I was losing control in the town that houses Alberta Mental Hospital! lol.
We pulled into the Super 8 parking lot and I got out of the truck, pacing back and forth. I was wearing zip off pants that day, so I took the bottoms off and was wearing shorts and a t-shirt in the parking lot. I was leaking like a sieve. I was putting snow on my forehead, in my shirt and I think I even put some in my pants to cool down and relax. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zero was working. We turned back around and headed for RD after about 30 minutes in the parking lot. I knew right then and there that I was going to be in trouble and that my ticket had been punched for a nasty ride on the roller coaster. I needed my safe house, my ativan, my blanket, my tv, my fireplace. I just needed my home and to be home. I think I cried all the way home to RD unsure of the future and what my mind had in store for me.
Shawn
Sunday 29 January 2012
Jan.29/12
Hello to everyone,
Oh my goodness...what a long day I had today. But here I am anyways. So last night I was telling you about us coming home from Colorado. To continue with that, we came home around the end of February or early March. I don't really recall. We had absolutely no where to go when we came home. My folks were living in India, Krystle's dad and step-mom really did not have the room for us in Lloydminster, so Krystle phoned her mom and step-dad in Kamloops and that was where we went. I made a few trips out to Alberta as I already had a job when coming back with a safety company. But that ended up falling through as times were getting tough up here also. After living in Kamloops for a month or so, we headed back out here to Alberta and decided to settle in Red Deer again.
I got a job inspecting lease back return vehicles while I waited for the rigs to get going again. At the end of January '09, I got on with another mud company. I was pretty happy. Amazingly, throughout all of the garbage of us having to move home, go to Kamloops, come back here, work a crappy job and basic life management; I only had one really anxiety attack. My best friend who is more like my brother than a friend lives here and is a Fire-Medic. I remember feeling like I was having a heart attack, so he came over and checked me out. All was good, I was just having an anxiety attack. Anyways, I started running mud again in January and all was well with the world. In that spring, we had the oppurtunity to move to Blackfalds(just north of RD about 10kms) and live in a house and have a garage again and a nice yard instead of living in a townhouse. We still hadn't bought a new house and prices were still a bit high, so we took the oppurtunity.
This ended up being quite a bad move for us. It was very stressful as the person we were renting from was well known to us. It created some extra stress for me and caused some great anxiety for me also. We ended up leaving that house after only 4 months of living there. There is more to the story that I am leaving out, but it doesn't need to be told here. Anyways, we moved back into RD and rented a house again. So this was August. I started feeling "off" around the end of August, but I couldn't put my finger on it. My job was going really good, my relationship with my wife has always been awesome, my kids were good, family was good. I just chalked it up to all the stress going on around us with the move back into town. It was finally catching up to me and that was that.
September rolled into October and I was still feeling really weird. I wasn't having any anxiety attacks or anything like that...my body was just telling me something that I could not hear or didn't understand. Finally around the beginning of November, it hit. It hit me hard. A close friend had had a breast augmentation and while talking to her one day, I mentioned that I was curious to see it. Not in a sick perverted way as I was and am very close to this person. She sent me a picture to view. I was just curious and didn't actually "know" anyone who had had anything like that done. I opened that picture on my computer and started to view the picture. BAM!!!!! It smoked me in the face. I felt dirty, disgusting, weird, scared and ashamed all at once. I wasn't viewing the picture in a bad way, I was 100% sincere in my actions. But that pushed my brain over the edge.
I lost control. I took an Ativan right away to calm myself down, but it did nothing for me. My heart was pounding and my mind was going CRAZY. I had a million thoughts going on in and around my mind. I wanted death, I wanted to cut my brain out, I wanted to stab myself in the eyes...something, just please God, please make it stop. Ativan usually takes about 10 minutes to start working. I took a second Ativan 20 minutes later. I was crying like a baby, I called Krystle for help. I needed help. Nothing was working, all of my tools? Gone. I needed something and I didn't know what it was. But after finally calming down somewhat and the Ativan taking effect, I called my boss. I told him what had happened and that I needed a few days off to see my doctor. A guy came up to relieve me on Friday and I drove 140km/h all the home to RD to see someone. I got in to see the doc(not my family doc) and he gave me an increase in my prescription. He boosted me from 10mg/day to 15mg/day.
Okay. All was going to be well. My meds were boosted and I could go back to work. I went back on Tuesday and everything was going good. Until I came home around the 20th of November.
Have a good night. We will continue this tomorrow evening. Thanks for your support in this.
Shawn
Oh my goodness...what a long day I had today. But here I am anyways. So last night I was telling you about us coming home from Colorado. To continue with that, we came home around the end of February or early March. I don't really recall. We had absolutely no where to go when we came home. My folks were living in India, Krystle's dad and step-mom really did not have the room for us in Lloydminster, so Krystle phoned her mom and step-dad in Kamloops and that was where we went. I made a few trips out to Alberta as I already had a job when coming back with a safety company. But that ended up falling through as times were getting tough up here also. After living in Kamloops for a month or so, we headed back out here to Alberta and decided to settle in Red Deer again.
I got a job inspecting lease back return vehicles while I waited for the rigs to get going again. At the end of January '09, I got on with another mud company. I was pretty happy. Amazingly, throughout all of the garbage of us having to move home, go to Kamloops, come back here, work a crappy job and basic life management; I only had one really anxiety attack. My best friend who is more like my brother than a friend lives here and is a Fire-Medic. I remember feeling like I was having a heart attack, so he came over and checked me out. All was good, I was just having an anxiety attack. Anyways, I started running mud again in January and all was well with the world. In that spring, we had the oppurtunity to move to Blackfalds(just north of RD about 10kms) and live in a house and have a garage again and a nice yard instead of living in a townhouse. We still hadn't bought a new house and prices were still a bit high, so we took the oppurtunity.
This ended up being quite a bad move for us. It was very stressful as the person we were renting from was well known to us. It created some extra stress for me and caused some great anxiety for me also. We ended up leaving that house after only 4 months of living there. There is more to the story that I am leaving out, but it doesn't need to be told here. Anyways, we moved back into RD and rented a house again. So this was August. I started feeling "off" around the end of August, but I couldn't put my finger on it. My job was going really good, my relationship with my wife has always been awesome, my kids were good, family was good. I just chalked it up to all the stress going on around us with the move back into town. It was finally catching up to me and that was that.
September rolled into October and I was still feeling really weird. I wasn't having any anxiety attacks or anything like that...my body was just telling me something that I could not hear or didn't understand. Finally around the beginning of November, it hit. It hit me hard. A close friend had had a breast augmentation and while talking to her one day, I mentioned that I was curious to see it. Not in a sick perverted way as I was and am very close to this person. She sent me a picture to view. I was just curious and didn't actually "know" anyone who had had anything like that done. I opened that picture on my computer and started to view the picture. BAM!!!!! It smoked me in the face. I felt dirty, disgusting, weird, scared and ashamed all at once. I wasn't viewing the picture in a bad way, I was 100% sincere in my actions. But that pushed my brain over the edge.
I lost control. I took an Ativan right away to calm myself down, but it did nothing for me. My heart was pounding and my mind was going CRAZY. I had a million thoughts going on in and around my mind. I wanted death, I wanted to cut my brain out, I wanted to stab myself in the eyes...something, just please God, please make it stop. Ativan usually takes about 10 minutes to start working. I took a second Ativan 20 minutes later. I was crying like a baby, I called Krystle for help. I needed help. Nothing was working, all of my tools? Gone. I needed something and I didn't know what it was. But after finally calming down somewhat and the Ativan taking effect, I called my boss. I told him what had happened and that I needed a few days off to see my doctor. A guy came up to relieve me on Friday and I drove 140km/h all the home to RD to see someone. I got in to see the doc(not my family doc) and he gave me an increase in my prescription. He boosted me from 10mg/day to 15mg/day.
Okay. All was going to be well. My meds were boosted and I could go back to work. I went back on Tuesday and everything was going good. Until I came home around the 20th of November.
Have a good night. We will continue this tomorrow evening. Thanks for your support in this.
Shawn
Saturday 28 January 2012
Jan.28/12
Evening again...
So where were we? Oh yah, I had been fired. Of course they covered their butts six ways from Sunday. They gave me some money and on my R.O.E(record of employment) they put let go due to shortage of work. I was pretty hurt and not too mention stunned by all of this. They did give me enough money that my family could survive for a little while before I HAD to get back to work. With Gabriel's birth just around the corner and no parents around to help us out, we decided that I would stay home until after the birth and then get to work again. Besides, it was the busy season; I would have no trouble finding another mud job. On January 4th/07, my big boy was born. Another quick funny story? Sure. So there we are at home when Krystle's water broke at around 01:00 in the morning. We phoned our friend who was doing one of those doula classes and using Krystle as a practicum, to ask whether or not we should head it to the hospital. And we did just that. But with Liliana's birth being 3 years late, I figured that we had ALL the time in the world to get there. Sooooooo, I stopped at a Mac's store to buy a coffee and a magazine to read. After all, we were going to be at the hospital for another 2 or 3 days right? Wrong. We arrived at the hospital at 01:45 and Gabriel was born at 06:30. I didn't even get to read my magazine. lol
Anyways, after Gabriel's birth, I applied to every mud company out there. But I couldn't get a job. Want to know why? Well, the company I was working for obviously could not tell anyone that I had "mental problems", so they told other companies that I was "lazy, unreliable, untrustworthy, didn't do a good job". I found this out by accident in an email. I still have the printed copy to this day. THAT really stung. Why didn't you just call me an alcoholic who molests children for pete's sake. I ended up having to swallow my pride and go back to working on the rigs and not with the rigs. I did that for the entire winter season and spring of 07. Shortly after the spring had come and gone, I got a call from a mud company that I had previously applied to. In fact, they were the ones that accidentally told me what was being said about me by my previous employer.
So these guys phoned me and asked me if I wanted to go run mud in India. I was a bit skeptical about the whole deal but it turned out to be legit. During this time, we decided to sell our house in Medicine Hat and move up here to central Alberta to be closer to friends and family. Krystle did not want to be all alone down in Medicine Hat while I was gone for 4 - 6 weeks at a time. I also asked my doctor if I could try going off of my med's and see how I would do without them. Well, it didn't turn out to be a really good idea around November of '07. I was over working in India now, we did not buy another house because the market was so ridiculous and we didn't know if we wanted to stay in Red Deer. I started to bring myself down gradually off of the meds. On October 30/07, I went back over to India for a stint. I didn't end up coming home until December 22nd. That whole time I was in India, I was not myself in any way. My mind felt crazy, I felt unstable.
I didn't want to just start taking medicine again without seeing my doctor. Oh, we got a really good reference to a new doctor here in Red Deer who had just gotten out of med school. Turns out she was from Medicine Hat and knew our old doctor. She is an awesome doctor and has treated me good this entire time. Anyways, I managed to make it through Christmas without meds (feeling mildly suicidal the entire time, but that another story!) and went in a saw her first thing after Christmas. I was back on the Cipralex and realized a very crucial important chapter of my life had just opened for me. I was going to be on medication for the rest of my life. The good part of this? Well, I also realized that diabetic's have to be on medication for their entire life; cancer patients need their chemotherapy; parkinson's patients need their meds; arthritis sufferer's need their meds...I was going to be just like them and taking medications for a long time or at least for a while. So, it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
In the spring of '08, my office asked me to go down and work in Colorado. I did and I absolutely loved it. Shortly after being there, I was asked if my family would be interested in moving down there. Krystle and I jumped at the chance. In October, we left Canada and headed down to live in Colorado. We stayed down there until the spring of '09 when the oilfield dried right up. This was shortly after the Obama administration decided that it did not need the American oilfield. Another opinion, another story, another time. The point of all of this is that, throughout all of these ups and downs from the beginning of '08 and until well after we came home in '09, my medication and my "toolbox" were working wonders for me. I was using my tools(self talk; questioning my belief about something harmful or scary to me; talking to my wife, my mom, my friends, etc.) and taking my meds and NOT using one single solitary Ativan. AND, I was getting through it.
I was surviving, I was succeeding and my anxiety was almost a thing of the past. Yes, I had the days when I told Krystle that I was not "feeling right" and I could chalk up the experience to something else that had happened to create that stress or anxiety. I could get on a plane with no problems whatsoever and fly over to India or down to Colorado and not have ANY anxiety. Yes, I still had to use my tools to do so, but I was managing. Before I shut it down for tonight, I want to share a tool that I used frequently that might help you out a bit even if you do not have any anxiety issues. Here is what I did in this exact situation. I am getting on a plane to go to India right? And I am feeling anxious about it. "Shawn, what is the problem here? Well, I am feeling really anxious about this flight. Okay, fair enough; what are you anxious about? Well, I am going to fly halfway around the world, I am going to be away from my family for 50 days and I am going to be alone. Okay! Is it reasonable that you are anxious about all of this? Yes, it is very reasonable. Okay. I understand. So your anxiety is what, a 7, an 8 out of 10? Yeah, something like that. Okay, so is it reasonable to be freaking out about riding on this plane and worrying about your family and being alone? No, not really. Okay, so why don't you do this in little steps. Be a little anxious about the plane ride. Are you going to have something to do? Yes. Are you going to get to eat? Yes. (eating is very important to me!lol) Is this going to be an adventure of sorts? Yes. OKAY THEN...bring that anxiety down about 3 or 4 points.
Generally, it helped me out numerous times. Not always has it worked, but quite a bit. I'm sorry that this piece was a little longer tonight for you to read. I will try not to write a book tomorrow. Have a good night and be safe out there.
Shawn
So where were we? Oh yah, I had been fired. Of course they covered their butts six ways from Sunday. They gave me some money and on my R.O.E(record of employment) they put let go due to shortage of work. I was pretty hurt and not too mention stunned by all of this. They did give me enough money that my family could survive for a little while before I HAD to get back to work. With Gabriel's birth just around the corner and no parents around to help us out, we decided that I would stay home until after the birth and then get to work again. Besides, it was the busy season; I would have no trouble finding another mud job. On January 4th/07, my big boy was born. Another quick funny story? Sure. So there we are at home when Krystle's water broke at around 01:00 in the morning. We phoned our friend who was doing one of those doula classes and using Krystle as a practicum, to ask whether or not we should head it to the hospital. And we did just that. But with Liliana's birth being 3 years late, I figured that we had ALL the time in the world to get there. Sooooooo, I stopped at a Mac's store to buy a coffee and a magazine to read. After all, we were going to be at the hospital for another 2 or 3 days right? Wrong. We arrived at the hospital at 01:45 and Gabriel was born at 06:30. I didn't even get to read my magazine. lol
Anyways, after Gabriel's birth, I applied to every mud company out there. But I couldn't get a job. Want to know why? Well, the company I was working for obviously could not tell anyone that I had "mental problems", so they told other companies that I was "lazy, unreliable, untrustworthy, didn't do a good job". I found this out by accident in an email. I still have the printed copy to this day. THAT really stung. Why didn't you just call me an alcoholic who molests children for pete's sake. I ended up having to swallow my pride and go back to working on the rigs and not with the rigs. I did that for the entire winter season and spring of 07. Shortly after the spring had come and gone, I got a call from a mud company that I had previously applied to. In fact, they were the ones that accidentally told me what was being said about me by my previous employer.
So these guys phoned me and asked me if I wanted to go run mud in India. I was a bit skeptical about the whole deal but it turned out to be legit. During this time, we decided to sell our house in Medicine Hat and move up here to central Alberta to be closer to friends and family. Krystle did not want to be all alone down in Medicine Hat while I was gone for 4 - 6 weeks at a time. I also asked my doctor if I could try going off of my med's and see how I would do without them. Well, it didn't turn out to be a really good idea around November of '07. I was over working in India now, we did not buy another house because the market was so ridiculous and we didn't know if we wanted to stay in Red Deer. I started to bring myself down gradually off of the meds. On October 30/07, I went back over to India for a stint. I didn't end up coming home until December 22nd. That whole time I was in India, I was not myself in any way. My mind felt crazy, I felt unstable.
I didn't want to just start taking medicine again without seeing my doctor. Oh, we got a really good reference to a new doctor here in Red Deer who had just gotten out of med school. Turns out she was from Medicine Hat and knew our old doctor. She is an awesome doctor and has treated me good this entire time. Anyways, I managed to make it through Christmas without meds (feeling mildly suicidal the entire time, but that another story!) and went in a saw her first thing after Christmas. I was back on the Cipralex and realized a very crucial important chapter of my life had just opened for me. I was going to be on medication for the rest of my life. The good part of this? Well, I also realized that diabetic's have to be on medication for their entire life; cancer patients need their chemotherapy; parkinson's patients need their meds; arthritis sufferer's need their meds...I was going to be just like them and taking medications for a long time or at least for a while. So, it wasn't that big of a deal to me.
In the spring of '08, my office asked me to go down and work in Colorado. I did and I absolutely loved it. Shortly after being there, I was asked if my family would be interested in moving down there. Krystle and I jumped at the chance. In October, we left Canada and headed down to live in Colorado. We stayed down there until the spring of '09 when the oilfield dried right up. This was shortly after the Obama administration decided that it did not need the American oilfield. Another opinion, another story, another time. The point of all of this is that, throughout all of these ups and downs from the beginning of '08 and until well after we came home in '09, my medication and my "toolbox" were working wonders for me. I was using my tools(self talk; questioning my belief about something harmful or scary to me; talking to my wife, my mom, my friends, etc.) and taking my meds and NOT using one single solitary Ativan. AND, I was getting through it.
I was surviving, I was succeeding and my anxiety was almost a thing of the past. Yes, I had the days when I told Krystle that I was not "feeling right" and I could chalk up the experience to something else that had happened to create that stress or anxiety. I could get on a plane with no problems whatsoever and fly over to India or down to Colorado and not have ANY anxiety. Yes, I still had to use my tools to do so, but I was managing. Before I shut it down for tonight, I want to share a tool that I used frequently that might help you out a bit even if you do not have any anxiety issues. Here is what I did in this exact situation. I am getting on a plane to go to India right? And I am feeling anxious about it. "Shawn, what is the problem here? Well, I am feeling really anxious about this flight. Okay, fair enough; what are you anxious about? Well, I am going to fly halfway around the world, I am going to be away from my family for 50 days and I am going to be alone. Okay! Is it reasonable that you are anxious about all of this? Yes, it is very reasonable. Okay. I understand. So your anxiety is what, a 7, an 8 out of 10? Yeah, something like that. Okay, so is it reasonable to be freaking out about riding on this plane and worrying about your family and being alone? No, not really. Okay, so why don't you do this in little steps. Be a little anxious about the plane ride. Are you going to have something to do? Yes. Are you going to get to eat? Yes. (eating is very important to me!lol) Is this going to be an adventure of sorts? Yes. OKAY THEN...bring that anxiety down about 3 or 4 points.
Generally, it helped me out numerous times. Not always has it worked, but quite a bit. I'm sorry that this piece was a little longer tonight for you to read. I will try not to write a book tomorrow. Have a good night and be safe out there.
Shawn
Friday 27 January 2012
Jan.27/12
Hello Again...
So I was mentioning yesterday that I had the priviledge of going and seeing a psychiatrist back in '06. I won't get into a ton of details but I sure felt intimidated. I was under a microscope for something that I had no clue about. I did get to see the final report from her in which she said that I had an anxiety disorder, but she did say a few other things about me that were completely untrue and that I haven't forgotten to this day. An example? I am very anal about nice clean fingernails. I liike to keep my short and neat. I have never, ever in my entire life chewed on a nail except for if I was at work and ripped one and had no clippers handy. She said that she thought I was obsessive or something because "he obviously chews on his nails." You know when someone says something about you that is JUST NOT true and your blood starts to boil? Just like that?
Anyways, that is neither here nor there. So, I was off of work for about 3 months getting the medication in order and my body adjusted to you. Before I continue any further, I want to mention that I will and have talked about medication's here. I am not promoting or condoning any medicines. I am telling you what did or did not work for me. That is all. Take from it what you will. So as I mentioned earlier, my doctor had prescribed Paxcil for me. I started to take it finally and was scared about it. What was it going to do to me? Was I going to go crazy, slit my wrists, start talking to random strangers asking them for the time? Of course, none of that happened. Funny thing is, I've always been a little crazy; I've never wanted to slit my wrists and I always talk to random strangers. But that's just me...
The Paxcil did work for me but it made me VERy sleepy. I mean, I couldn't function without having a nap. I could sleep for 8, 11 or 15 hrs and I still would've been dead tired. I also had NO sex drive. I could have walked into my house and my wife said, "I have a surprise for you." Jessica Biel could have been laying naked on my bed and Krystle said to have fun. Ain't no fun would've been happening in there. No drive at all. After about 4 or 5 months on the Paxcil, I went in and saw my doctor. After telling him what was going on, he switched me off of the Paxcil and put me onto Cipralex. Cipralex worked wonders for me until last year. But we are not in 2011 yet, we are still stuck in '06. I started to attend meetings every week that were a mix of a workshop, a support group and a counselling session.
I learned about having a "toolbox" and keeping "tools" in it to help me deal with anxiety attacks. I learned that I was not or am not the only person in the world with an anxiety disorder or any sort of mental disorder. I was still having some trouble understanding why this happened to me. I was never the cool guy, I was never the loser. I was really good at some sports and not too bad at others. I loved music and movies; camping and the outdoors. Had always wanted to be a Dad and a good husband. I loved my job; I loved my family. I was always joking around. Hell, I'd been on stage!! Why? Why did this happen to me? These were some of the things that were being tackled in my "class" as I like to refer to them. I also like to call it the "cuckoo group". LOL I'm laughing right now!!
So some of the walls were starting to get broken down and some of my own misconceptions about mental illness started to go away. Do you want to know the most eye opening thing? I was that guy that always had a little chuckle at some dude talking to himself in the street. Or the woman with a faraway look in her eyes while she is picking bottles out of the garbage. I realized going to that group, I was exactly the same as they were. No, I wasn't picking bottles out of the garbage can or talking to myself on the street, but I had and have a mental illness. Boy, talk about feeling like a piece of crap after realizing that. My heart suddenly went out to these people. What made me better than them? Nothing. I just had the ability to get my medicine, I had a wonderful support and a loving home/family. Shame on me.
Anyways...as I was learning "coping skills", I started to put them into practice. I remember one of the first jobs that I went to in May or June of that year was going to be up at Rainbow Lake. That is about a 8-10hr drive away from Medicine Hat. How was I going to make it up there all alone? You know what I did? I pretended that I was going on an adventure and it worked for me. That was one little trick I learned myself in dealing with this. Things were starting to go really, really well for me. I was back working; my medicine was working; my wife hadn't left me; some of my family was supporting me also and I still had my job that I absolutely loved. I worked right through the summer and into the fall. OH!!!! I forgot to mention something.
Krystle and I wanted to have two kids. During the time of getting the medicine working and all of the kinks out, we decided that we were already in baby mode so we might as well try again. Bummer for me! lol In March or April(I don't recall), we found out we were pregnant and that we were going to have a boy. We found out on this one because my parents were moving to India. So we flipped a coin. Heads we find out, Tails we wait. It was Heads. Back to the story...right, okay. I was doing well and had a few engineers around Westlock that were liking my work. I came home for a few days off and was supposed to phone the engineer in a day or two. I did things by the book and called my boss to be sure that I was to go back to Westlock. Instead, I got fired.
Now, they will tell you that "things were slowing down" and that "they didn't have a place for me". HUH?? We are in November coming into the busiest time of the year and we are slowing down? I had been there for 3 years and they didn't have a place for me? My eyes were suddenly open to the stigmata attached to mental illness. What a punch in the gut, kick in the junk that was. And we will continue it tomorrow. Have a good evening. Be safe and tell your kids you love them.
Shawn
So I was mentioning yesterday that I had the priviledge of going and seeing a psychiatrist back in '06. I won't get into a ton of details but I sure felt intimidated. I was under a microscope for something that I had no clue about. I did get to see the final report from her in which she said that I had an anxiety disorder, but she did say a few other things about me that were completely untrue and that I haven't forgotten to this day. An example? I am very anal about nice clean fingernails. I liike to keep my short and neat. I have never, ever in my entire life chewed on a nail except for if I was at work and ripped one and had no clippers handy. She said that she thought I was obsessive or something because "he obviously chews on his nails." You know when someone says something about you that is JUST NOT true and your blood starts to boil? Just like that?
Anyways, that is neither here nor there. So, I was off of work for about 3 months getting the medication in order and my body adjusted to you. Before I continue any further, I want to mention that I will and have talked about medication's here. I am not promoting or condoning any medicines. I am telling you what did or did not work for me. That is all. Take from it what you will. So as I mentioned earlier, my doctor had prescribed Paxcil for me. I started to take it finally and was scared about it. What was it going to do to me? Was I going to go crazy, slit my wrists, start talking to random strangers asking them for the time? Of course, none of that happened. Funny thing is, I've always been a little crazy; I've never wanted to slit my wrists and I always talk to random strangers. But that's just me...
The Paxcil did work for me but it made me VERy sleepy. I mean, I couldn't function without having a nap. I could sleep for 8, 11 or 15 hrs and I still would've been dead tired. I also had NO sex drive. I could have walked into my house and my wife said, "I have a surprise for you." Jessica Biel could have been laying naked on my bed and Krystle said to have fun. Ain't no fun would've been happening in there. No drive at all. After about 4 or 5 months on the Paxcil, I went in and saw my doctor. After telling him what was going on, he switched me off of the Paxcil and put me onto Cipralex. Cipralex worked wonders for me until last year. But we are not in 2011 yet, we are still stuck in '06. I started to attend meetings every week that were a mix of a workshop, a support group and a counselling session.
I learned about having a "toolbox" and keeping "tools" in it to help me deal with anxiety attacks. I learned that I was not or am not the only person in the world with an anxiety disorder or any sort of mental disorder. I was still having some trouble understanding why this happened to me. I was never the cool guy, I was never the loser. I was really good at some sports and not too bad at others. I loved music and movies; camping and the outdoors. Had always wanted to be a Dad and a good husband. I loved my job; I loved my family. I was always joking around. Hell, I'd been on stage!! Why? Why did this happen to me? These were some of the things that were being tackled in my "class" as I like to refer to them. I also like to call it the "cuckoo group". LOL I'm laughing right now!!
So some of the walls were starting to get broken down and some of my own misconceptions about mental illness started to go away. Do you want to know the most eye opening thing? I was that guy that always had a little chuckle at some dude talking to himself in the street. Or the woman with a faraway look in her eyes while she is picking bottles out of the garbage. I realized going to that group, I was exactly the same as they were. No, I wasn't picking bottles out of the garbage can or talking to myself on the street, but I had and have a mental illness. Boy, talk about feeling like a piece of crap after realizing that. My heart suddenly went out to these people. What made me better than them? Nothing. I just had the ability to get my medicine, I had a wonderful support and a loving home/family. Shame on me.
Anyways...as I was learning "coping skills", I started to put them into practice. I remember one of the first jobs that I went to in May or June of that year was going to be up at Rainbow Lake. That is about a 8-10hr drive away from Medicine Hat. How was I going to make it up there all alone? You know what I did? I pretended that I was going on an adventure and it worked for me. That was one little trick I learned myself in dealing with this. Things were starting to go really, really well for me. I was back working; my medicine was working; my wife hadn't left me; some of my family was supporting me also and I still had my job that I absolutely loved. I worked right through the summer and into the fall. OH!!!! I forgot to mention something.
Krystle and I wanted to have two kids. During the time of getting the medicine working and all of the kinks out, we decided that we were already in baby mode so we might as well try again. Bummer for me! lol In March or April(I don't recall), we found out we were pregnant and that we were going to have a boy. We found out on this one because my parents were moving to India. So we flipped a coin. Heads we find out, Tails we wait. It was Heads. Back to the story...right, okay. I was doing well and had a few engineers around Westlock that were liking my work. I came home for a few days off and was supposed to phone the engineer in a day or two. I did things by the book and called my boss to be sure that I was to go back to Westlock. Instead, I got fired.
Now, they will tell you that "things were slowing down" and that "they didn't have a place for me". HUH?? We are in November coming into the busiest time of the year and we are slowing down? I had been there for 3 years and they didn't have a place for me? My eyes were suddenly open to the stigmata attached to mental illness. What a punch in the gut, kick in the junk that was. And we will continue it tomorrow. Have a good evening. Be safe and tell your kids you love them.
Shawn
Thursday 26 January 2012
Jan.26/12
Evening...
No more suspense. What opened my door to anxiety? Well, as I said earlier, I had had two seperate anxiety attacks while I was still doing drugs. After I had the second one, I decided right then and there that I was quitting drugs. I mean, where was the fun in having a 500 mph heart beat, not being able to catch my breath (although, with breath like mine, I should be thankful! lol) and an impending doom? I never had another panic or anxiety attack for a number of years after that. In 2003, I met my wife while working around Drayton Valley. That's where Krystle was living and working at the time. Funny little story; Krystle was working at a liquor store. I went into the store she worked at one day and I met her while buying a case of beer. After meeting her there, that was the only store I went to for beer. Now, when I am at work, I have never partook in heavy volumes of liquor as I never enjoyed feeling like a bag of trash the next day. During my 2 week period of work, I would maybe have 2 or 3 beers a night and that was it. I went in everyday and bought a case of beer so that I could see her. I would go home with 68 beer, 59 beer, 83 beer everytime because I had to buy something so I didn't look like a perv. Sure spent a lot of money to meet some girl eh? lol
Anyways, Krystle and I got married in 2004 and we decided because I worked away from home that we should start trying to get pregnant right away. You never know how long these things will take. Turns out that ours took about 5 minutes to happen. After that Christmas and shortly in the new year of 05, we found out that we were pregnant. And that my friends, is what opened that door.The rest of the year became a wash for me. I started to not sleep very well, I almost had a heart attack(so I thought) at a restaurant in the summer, we left a theater in the middle of a movie and said that we thought Krystle's water broke(they gave us our money back thankfully), I was fidgety, my appetite was upside down and I just didn't feel very right.
Liliana was due on September 9th, 5 days after our anniversary. She ended up being late...13 days late. Krystle was induced 3 times to aid in bringing baby around. Finally on the 3rd induction, it started to take. What a hell day that was. After 8 or 9 hours of labour, they needed me to make a decision on whether or not she should have an epidural. "Mr. Metcalfe, your wife needs this but she could die. What do you want to do?" Of course that wasn't the exact conversation, but that is how it felt. Another big thing. Finally after the epidural and 2 or 3 hours of pushing, Liliana arrived. But she did arrive with her embilical cord wrapped around her neck with a nice hint of blue to her. After emergency breathing for her and reviving her, she let out a wail. We didn't know if we had a boy or a girl. They finally told us and I went around the corner and bawled my eyes out for literally 5 minutes.
After bringing Liliana home, I really just felt that I had some male post-partum depression or something along those lines. I stayed home for about a month and then went back to work. I still wasn't really feeling right and I was unsure what was going on in my mind and in my body. I went back to work in some sort of surly mood. I went in and saw my doctor around November and told him what was going on. He prescribed me some meds to balance out the chemicals in my brain and to treat the anxiety. BUT, I had my trepidations about taking some sort of brain medicine. I figured that I was going to be walking around like a zombie; I was just going to be living and not LIVING; my sex drive would go in the crapper; I'd be more suicidal or something...I just didn't know and was unsure. Besides that, I didn't have a "mental problem". I didn't belong in the same group of people who were cuckoo and crazy. Something weird was just going on. Christmas rolled around as did the New Year of 06. I had been working around the Stettler area and really enjoyed it. Sometime after my 33rd birthday on January 15th, I got sent up to Ft.MacMurray. The directions that I had forced me to drive WAY out of my way and over a ton of back roads. It had started to blizzard really bad and I mean blizzard. It was getting darker and darker. The snow was falling heavier and heavier. I had no cel phone service for the longest time.I felt like I was lost(I wasn't) and all alone(I was).
The panic and anxiety was taking over. Finally, I found the rig and the engineer told me that he didn't need me out there for another 3 or 4 days. I phoned my boss and he told me to go home then for a few days. I stayed the night in Ft.Mac and drove home the next day. All the way home to Medicine Hat, I was crying. I wanted to slit my throat. I wanted to tear my brain out. I wanted to die. But mostly?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I got home that day and Krystle was there for me. I broke down right then and there in front of her. I knew that I needed help. I knew that I couldn't go anywhere to work and that I needed to get taken care of. I phoned the safety guy and told him what was going on. I told him that I couldn't go to work, I wasn't safe. He called my boss and took care of that.
The next day, I went in and saw my doctor. I got a prescription for Paxcil. I got enrolled in the mental health program in Medicine Hat and my then office sent me to see a psychiatrist. THAT was fun, let me tell you. Yah, let me tell you tomorrow. I will close for tonight. Have a good evening. Take care and love your family.
Shawn
No more suspense. What opened my door to anxiety? Well, as I said earlier, I had had two seperate anxiety attacks while I was still doing drugs. After I had the second one, I decided right then and there that I was quitting drugs. I mean, where was the fun in having a 500 mph heart beat, not being able to catch my breath (although, with breath like mine, I should be thankful! lol) and an impending doom? I never had another panic or anxiety attack for a number of years after that. In 2003, I met my wife while working around Drayton Valley. That's where Krystle was living and working at the time. Funny little story; Krystle was working at a liquor store. I went into the store she worked at one day and I met her while buying a case of beer. After meeting her there, that was the only store I went to for beer. Now, when I am at work, I have never partook in heavy volumes of liquor as I never enjoyed feeling like a bag of trash the next day. During my 2 week period of work, I would maybe have 2 or 3 beers a night and that was it. I went in everyday and bought a case of beer so that I could see her. I would go home with 68 beer, 59 beer, 83 beer everytime because I had to buy something so I didn't look like a perv. Sure spent a lot of money to meet some girl eh? lol
Anyways, Krystle and I got married in 2004 and we decided because I worked away from home that we should start trying to get pregnant right away. You never know how long these things will take. Turns out that ours took about 5 minutes to happen. After that Christmas and shortly in the new year of 05, we found out that we were pregnant. And that my friends, is what opened that door.The rest of the year became a wash for me. I started to not sleep very well, I almost had a heart attack(so I thought) at a restaurant in the summer, we left a theater in the middle of a movie and said that we thought Krystle's water broke(they gave us our money back thankfully), I was fidgety, my appetite was upside down and I just didn't feel very right.
Liliana was due on September 9th, 5 days after our anniversary. She ended up being late...13 days late. Krystle was induced 3 times to aid in bringing baby around. Finally on the 3rd induction, it started to take. What a hell day that was. After 8 or 9 hours of labour, they needed me to make a decision on whether or not she should have an epidural. "Mr. Metcalfe, your wife needs this but she could die. What do you want to do?" Of course that wasn't the exact conversation, but that is how it felt. Another big thing. Finally after the epidural and 2 or 3 hours of pushing, Liliana arrived. But she did arrive with her embilical cord wrapped around her neck with a nice hint of blue to her. After emergency breathing for her and reviving her, she let out a wail. We didn't know if we had a boy or a girl. They finally told us and I went around the corner and bawled my eyes out for literally 5 minutes.
After bringing Liliana home, I really just felt that I had some male post-partum depression or something along those lines. I stayed home for about a month and then went back to work. I still wasn't really feeling right and I was unsure what was going on in my mind and in my body. I went back to work in some sort of surly mood. I went in and saw my doctor around November and told him what was going on. He prescribed me some meds to balance out the chemicals in my brain and to treat the anxiety. BUT, I had my trepidations about taking some sort of brain medicine. I figured that I was going to be walking around like a zombie; I was just going to be living and not LIVING; my sex drive would go in the crapper; I'd be more suicidal or something...I just didn't know and was unsure. Besides that, I didn't have a "mental problem". I didn't belong in the same group of people who were cuckoo and crazy. Something weird was just going on. Christmas rolled around as did the New Year of 06. I had been working around the Stettler area and really enjoyed it. Sometime after my 33rd birthday on January 15th, I got sent up to Ft.MacMurray. The directions that I had forced me to drive WAY out of my way and over a ton of back roads. It had started to blizzard really bad and I mean blizzard. It was getting darker and darker. The snow was falling heavier and heavier. I had no cel phone service for the longest time.I felt like I was lost(I wasn't) and all alone(I was).
The panic and anxiety was taking over. Finally, I found the rig and the engineer told me that he didn't need me out there for another 3 or 4 days. I phoned my boss and he told me to go home then for a few days. I stayed the night in Ft.Mac and drove home the next day. All the way home to Medicine Hat, I was crying. I wanted to slit my throat. I wanted to tear my brain out. I wanted to die. But mostly?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me. I got home that day and Krystle was there for me. I broke down right then and there in front of her. I knew that I needed help. I knew that I couldn't go anywhere to work and that I needed to get taken care of. I phoned the safety guy and told him what was going on. I told him that I couldn't go to work, I wasn't safe. He called my boss and took care of that.
The next day, I went in and saw my doctor. I got a prescription for Paxcil. I got enrolled in the mental health program in Medicine Hat and my then office sent me to see a psychiatrist. THAT was fun, let me tell you. Yah, let me tell you tomorrow. I will close for tonight. Have a good evening. Take care and love your family.
Shawn
Wednesday 25 January 2012
Jan.25/12
Good Evening All,
I guess depending on your time zone and where you are in the world might not work out with the whole Good Evening thing eh? So here we are onto day 2 of my blog. I've had some friends and family read my first days work and so far, they all hated it. Just kidding, they have all encouraged me to write more. I guess the question is, where do we go from yesterday's writing? Well, I think that we should just delve into the heart of the matter. For those of you who know me and know my story, you might want to skip a paragraph or two here. Anyways, how does one even get an anxiety disorder or depression or "become" bi-polar? I can't answer to all of those, just myself. I can tell you that a lot of it is hereditary in some form of nature.
For me, I have a bit of the hereditary gene for starters. My mom has told me that from time to time she has had some issues with anxiety. With her teaching First Aid, or going somewhere alone; she can feel her heart rate rising, her palms getting sweaty, maybe feeling a little light headed. For most of us, we all have some form of anxiety. Jerry Seinfeld says that most people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. It's not my Mom or my Dad's fault that I have their genes. Its in all of us. I want you to understand that. Some people's parents are not afraid of heights where their kid is. My Dad is not afraid of needles, but I cry like a girl. Well, maybe not a girl... As things in life go, genes, traits, physical traits and personality are some of the things passed down to us from our parents. As well as potential for heart disease, cancer, diabetes etc. We all of some form of these traits in our bodies from our parents, how much they effect us or big or small they are in our bodies is, well, up to our own bodies.
Me?? I had a "batch" of anxiety in my brain somewhere up there. The door was closed on that room for almost 33 years. So how did the door get opened? For me, I have had eight major concussions in 33 years. I also did a lot of drugs for about a 6 or 7 year period which did not in any way, shape or form help out. And yes, you read correctly; eight MAJOR concussions. Kinda funny that the NHL and NFL are having all these problems with concussions and people are finally beginning to explore the human brain more in depth. Wow...all these years and we had a limited idea that brain injuries could cause suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression and trauma in some form.
So how did I get so lucky to have this many concussions? Well, my first one was when I was hit in the head with a baseball bat at the age of 7 or 8. Knocked out cold I was! Second one came while playing hockey at the age of 13. Third one was at the age of 15 when I was playing football in Grade 10 for Melfort and also got partially paralyzed for 3 months. Fourth one was at the age of 16, playing in a ball tournament at Lake Charron; took a line drive to the forehead. Fifth one was at about 19 when I was travelling in a vehicle that I shouldn't have been. Drunk and still drinking, we hit the ditch and I got smoked with a full bottle of beer across the side of my head. Sixth one, I was about 21 or so. Maybe even 20. Got knocked out COLD again on a rig. Labelled by a 2x4 across the jaw. Fractured my jaw with a hairline fracture in my cheek bone. That one REALLY hurt. Seventh one, was about at 23. Playing hockey again, got hit the wrong way and dislocated my jaw this time. And lastly, number eight was on a rig again at around 27 or 28. I got hit by a chain across the side of my head.
There you have it. Eight of these bad boys. As I mentioned earlier, I was also pretty heavy into the drug scene as well. Soooooooo, that didn't help out AT ALL! I'd like to mention that I have been drug free for 11 years now. Something I am VERY proud of. Anyways, now the door had been opened. I did experience 2 anxiety attacks during my drug use that I will always be happy to have had. They are what caused me to quit doing drugs. Up until that point, I had NEVER experienced any sort of a panic attack. I quit doing drugs and thought that everything was going to be cool. At least mentally anyways...So, what was it that opened that door up all of the way? What "caused" all of this? Well, I'll tell you...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Have a great night and be well.
I guess depending on your time zone and where you are in the world might not work out with the whole Good Evening thing eh? So here we are onto day 2 of my blog. I've had some friends and family read my first days work and so far, they all hated it. Just kidding, they have all encouraged me to write more. I guess the question is, where do we go from yesterday's writing? Well, I think that we should just delve into the heart of the matter. For those of you who know me and know my story, you might want to skip a paragraph or two here. Anyways, how does one even get an anxiety disorder or depression or "become" bi-polar? I can't answer to all of those, just myself. I can tell you that a lot of it is hereditary in some form of nature.
For me, I have a bit of the hereditary gene for starters. My mom has told me that from time to time she has had some issues with anxiety. With her teaching First Aid, or going somewhere alone; she can feel her heart rate rising, her palms getting sweaty, maybe feeling a little light headed. For most of us, we all have some form of anxiety. Jerry Seinfeld says that most people would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. It's not my Mom or my Dad's fault that I have their genes. Its in all of us. I want you to understand that. Some people's parents are not afraid of heights where their kid is. My Dad is not afraid of needles, but I cry like a girl. Well, maybe not a girl... As things in life go, genes, traits, physical traits and personality are some of the things passed down to us from our parents. As well as potential for heart disease, cancer, diabetes etc. We all of some form of these traits in our bodies from our parents, how much they effect us or big or small they are in our bodies is, well, up to our own bodies.
Me?? I had a "batch" of anxiety in my brain somewhere up there. The door was closed on that room for almost 33 years. So how did the door get opened? For me, I have had eight major concussions in 33 years. I also did a lot of drugs for about a 6 or 7 year period which did not in any way, shape or form help out. And yes, you read correctly; eight MAJOR concussions. Kinda funny that the NHL and NFL are having all these problems with concussions and people are finally beginning to explore the human brain more in depth. Wow...all these years and we had a limited idea that brain injuries could cause suicidal thoughts, anxiety, depression and trauma in some form.
So how did I get so lucky to have this many concussions? Well, my first one was when I was hit in the head with a baseball bat at the age of 7 or 8. Knocked out cold I was! Second one came while playing hockey at the age of 13. Third one was at the age of 15 when I was playing football in Grade 10 for Melfort and also got partially paralyzed for 3 months. Fourth one was at the age of 16, playing in a ball tournament at Lake Charron; took a line drive to the forehead. Fifth one was at about 19 when I was travelling in a vehicle that I shouldn't have been. Drunk and still drinking, we hit the ditch and I got smoked with a full bottle of beer across the side of my head. Sixth one, I was about 21 or so. Maybe even 20. Got knocked out COLD again on a rig. Labelled by a 2x4 across the jaw. Fractured my jaw with a hairline fracture in my cheek bone. That one REALLY hurt. Seventh one, was about at 23. Playing hockey again, got hit the wrong way and dislocated my jaw this time. And lastly, number eight was on a rig again at around 27 or 28. I got hit by a chain across the side of my head.
There you have it. Eight of these bad boys. As I mentioned earlier, I was also pretty heavy into the drug scene as well. Soooooooo, that didn't help out AT ALL! I'd like to mention that I have been drug free for 11 years now. Something I am VERY proud of. Anyways, now the door had been opened. I did experience 2 anxiety attacks during my drug use that I will always be happy to have had. They are what caused me to quit doing drugs. Up until that point, I had NEVER experienced any sort of a panic attack. I quit doing drugs and thought that everything was going to be cool. At least mentally anyways...So, what was it that opened that door up all of the way? What "caused" all of this? Well, I'll tell you...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Have a great night and be well.
Tuesday 24 January 2012
January 24th/2012
Good Morning to all old friends, new friends, family and stalkers! My name is Shawn and some of you may know me, some of you may not. I have been toying with the idea for some time now of starting a blog and putting some ideas and thoughts down on "paper". I have struggled with the idea for a bit cause I wasn't sure how much I actually wanted to put on here that was personal information. I am incredibly new to this and unsure how this all works, so bear with me. Might be a little bit of rambling here and there; might be a little jumping around too; that's just how my brain works.
So, where do I start? How about a little bit about me? I live in Alberta with a wonderful woman named Krystle, my wife. I have two awesome kids aged 6 and 5. Liliana is the oldest and Gabriel is the youngest. I work in the oil patch and have done so for the last 20 years now. I believe in God and I am a christian. I am not perfect in any way shape or form, I don't push my thoughts and ideas on people. If you ask me what I believe in, I will gladly tell you. But this isn't what I wanted to write about. Maybe at a later date we can talk about my beliefs. Today, I want to tell you quickly what I am very passionate about. It is the whole reason that I wanted to start this blog. I am on here to blog about mental illness and my struggles with it.
I have an Anxiety Disorder. There I said it. I posted it. I just told the world. Why? 1 in 5 Canadians have some sort of mental illness. Depression, Anxiety, Bi-Polar etc. Its out there and it is not recognized. I don't mean this the way that it sounds, but I was very glad that a few NHLers died last summer as a result of some sort of mental illness. It started the ball rolling for me and for others. It started to open people's eyes, and for that I am thankful. I am tired of hiding my illness. People with Diabetes, Cancer, Parkinson's, HIV, Lou Gehrig's Disease and so on and so on, don't have to live with a stigmata attached to them. They don't hide their struggles and fight with their "disease"/"sickness"/"illness". Why should I? Why should I "hide in the closet"? Well, I am not anymore.
So, that's the start of my blog. I can't promise that I will be here everyday. I will try my best to fill a few lines at least. Well, its time to go to work. Have a great day, stay safe and love your families!
Shawn
So, where do I start? How about a little bit about me? I live in Alberta with a wonderful woman named Krystle, my wife. I have two awesome kids aged 6 and 5. Liliana is the oldest and Gabriel is the youngest. I work in the oil patch and have done so for the last 20 years now. I believe in God and I am a christian. I am not perfect in any way shape or form, I don't push my thoughts and ideas on people. If you ask me what I believe in, I will gladly tell you. But this isn't what I wanted to write about. Maybe at a later date we can talk about my beliefs. Today, I want to tell you quickly what I am very passionate about. It is the whole reason that I wanted to start this blog. I am on here to blog about mental illness and my struggles with it.
I have an Anxiety Disorder. There I said it. I posted it. I just told the world. Why? 1 in 5 Canadians have some sort of mental illness. Depression, Anxiety, Bi-Polar etc. Its out there and it is not recognized. I don't mean this the way that it sounds, but I was very glad that a few NHLers died last summer as a result of some sort of mental illness. It started the ball rolling for me and for others. It started to open people's eyes, and for that I am thankful. I am tired of hiding my illness. People with Diabetes, Cancer, Parkinson's, HIV, Lou Gehrig's Disease and so on and so on, don't have to live with a stigmata attached to them. They don't hide their struggles and fight with their "disease"/"sickness"/"illness". Why should I? Why should I "hide in the closet"? Well, I am not anymore.
So, that's the start of my blog. I can't promise that I will be here everyday. I will try my best to fill a few lines at least. Well, its time to go to work. Have a great day, stay safe and love your families!
Shawn
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