Evening to you...
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
Thursday 10 May 2012
Tuesday 8 May 2012
May 8/12
Evening to Everyone,
I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!
I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!
Thursday 3 May 2012
May 3/12
Evening to you,
How is everyone this evening? I am doing fairly well...thanks for asking. How has your weather been this week? Ours has not been so stellar here in Red Deer. We have had quite a bit of rain this week. Not like 20 inches or anything like that; just cool, wet weather. But, on the positive side of things, that's what helps the grass to get greener. Now, if we could only get some sunshine, that would be great. So, I have gained a few new followers this week and into last week also. It has been nice having some new followers and new readers. Maybe they will liven the rest of you up! Just kidding. Don't leave now, I need all the followers that I can get! lol. Anyways...so this week has been pretty good so far for me. I've had a few ups and downs, but I have managed to get through them and come out on top.
As you should all know by now, Mr. Rubberband and I have a very close relationship. I also have a close relationship with Mrs. Air Conditioning, Mr. Ice Pack, Mrs. Less Clothing Keeps You Cool and Mr.Ativan. This are some of my favorite friends. I rely on them regularly. But this week, I have neglected them and that is a good thing. Whenever I am able to not use these "tools", it means that things are going well for me. I take full advantage of their "friendship" with me and use them to the fullest. It is amazing to me how our mindset's can change how we are feeling or how we percieve what is going on around us. So the bottom line for me tonight, is that I am doing pretty good.
Now, someone that I have just "met" through my blog and via Facebook, is having an entirely different experience at this time. This person has always had some sort of an anxiety disorder but it was just diagnosed last year for them. They started on some medicine but did not like the way that they felt. They just happened upon my blog and we have started to become friends. I have not offically met this person or anything like that, but we have been talking via the phone, email, Facebook etc. I think that this person has a lot going for them and that things will work out for them. They just started back on the meds and I have been doing my best to help them out in whatever way that I am able to.
Also this week, yesterday actually, another athlete took their life. That athlete was Junior Seau. He was a football player in the NFL for many years and a damn good one to boot. I believe that he has been retired for a year or so now, or was anyways. He shot himself in the chest. It is not known whether or not he was suffering from any sort of depression or anxiety. The questions surrounding his death are exactly that. Questions. No note was left or anything. Speculation is that is was either depression OR he was "depressed" about not being in the limelight anymore, not playing football, not getting that rush that comes with pro sports. I don't know. Of course, I am inclined to lean towards that he was battling some sort of depression and that was why he took his life.
So why am I telling you about this new person that I met or about Junior Seau? What do the two have in common? Well, its simple actually and they have a lot in common. First and foremost...we have people everyday in our lives that are battling demons that we have not a clue about. We as a society live in our own little world oblivous to those around us. This is not a bad thing, its just human nature. How do you know that your significant other is not suffering from depression or anxiety? How do you know that you are not? Maybe you or they feel a little bit "off". Maybe they or you are contributing this feelings to some changes in your lives or the seasons or their job. Its no big deal right? They're gonna snap out of it. It isn't until it is too late in some cases that we realize that there was more going on than what we first thought. Look at your own life. Are you feeling down? Is work or the kids stressing you out more than usual? I am not here to suggest that we all head in to the doctor tomorrow morning and get prescribed some meds cause we are having a bad day. Although, there are some really good meds out there! LOL.
What I am suggesting is, take an inventory of your life when times have gotten you down. Maybe you are suffering from some mild depression or anxiety. Maybe you just need to get your poop in a group or maybe you need some counseling. Whatever. Just make sure that you are looking after yourself and recognizing when you do need some help. The other part of this? DO NOT be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. Look at me. I'm writing a freaking blog telling the world about my crap. lol Anyways, please look after your mental health. Now secondly, I kind of answered it a bit already. Anyone of us can get or have some depression or anxiety of post-traumatic stress disorder. We are, after all just human. Remember that mental illnesses affect 1 in 4 people. Some of it mildly, some of it quite extensively. But take a look at these two totally different people. Again please remember that I don't know for sure that Junior Seau actually had depression, but let's assume that he did. These are two people that come or came from two totally different backgrounds. Led two totally different lives and had or have two totally different goals in life.
I have no doubt in my mind that mental illnesses can attack anyone, anywhere and anytime. It does not matter that you did not play any contact sports or ever suffer a concussion. It does not matter that you never did drugs or ever drink. I don't know the how's or the why's; I just know that like me, there are many sufferers out there in the world. Some are strong, some are weak. I just want you to take care of yourselves and the others in your lives. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through the "pain" that I go through. Anyways, I am starting to ramble now and lose my train of thought. Have a good evening and love your families!!
How is everyone this evening? I am doing fairly well...thanks for asking. How has your weather been this week? Ours has not been so stellar here in Red Deer. We have had quite a bit of rain this week. Not like 20 inches or anything like that; just cool, wet weather. But, on the positive side of things, that's what helps the grass to get greener. Now, if we could only get some sunshine, that would be great. So, I have gained a few new followers this week and into last week also. It has been nice having some new followers and new readers. Maybe they will liven the rest of you up! Just kidding. Don't leave now, I need all the followers that I can get! lol. Anyways...so this week has been pretty good so far for me. I've had a few ups and downs, but I have managed to get through them and come out on top.
As you should all know by now, Mr. Rubberband and I have a very close relationship. I also have a close relationship with Mrs. Air Conditioning, Mr. Ice Pack, Mrs. Less Clothing Keeps You Cool and Mr.Ativan. This are some of my favorite friends. I rely on them regularly. But this week, I have neglected them and that is a good thing. Whenever I am able to not use these "tools", it means that things are going well for me. I take full advantage of their "friendship" with me and use them to the fullest. It is amazing to me how our mindset's can change how we are feeling or how we percieve what is going on around us. So the bottom line for me tonight, is that I am doing pretty good.
Now, someone that I have just "met" through my blog and via Facebook, is having an entirely different experience at this time. This person has always had some sort of an anxiety disorder but it was just diagnosed last year for them. They started on some medicine but did not like the way that they felt. They just happened upon my blog and we have started to become friends. I have not offically met this person or anything like that, but we have been talking via the phone, email, Facebook etc. I think that this person has a lot going for them and that things will work out for them. They just started back on the meds and I have been doing my best to help them out in whatever way that I am able to.
Also this week, yesterday actually, another athlete took their life. That athlete was Junior Seau. He was a football player in the NFL for many years and a damn good one to boot. I believe that he has been retired for a year or so now, or was anyways. He shot himself in the chest. It is not known whether or not he was suffering from any sort of depression or anxiety. The questions surrounding his death are exactly that. Questions. No note was left or anything. Speculation is that is was either depression OR he was "depressed" about not being in the limelight anymore, not playing football, not getting that rush that comes with pro sports. I don't know. Of course, I am inclined to lean towards that he was battling some sort of depression and that was why he took his life.
So why am I telling you about this new person that I met or about Junior Seau? What do the two have in common? Well, its simple actually and they have a lot in common. First and foremost...we have people everyday in our lives that are battling demons that we have not a clue about. We as a society live in our own little world oblivous to those around us. This is not a bad thing, its just human nature. How do you know that your significant other is not suffering from depression or anxiety? How do you know that you are not? Maybe you or they feel a little bit "off". Maybe they or you are contributing this feelings to some changes in your lives or the seasons or their job. Its no big deal right? They're gonna snap out of it. It isn't until it is too late in some cases that we realize that there was more going on than what we first thought. Look at your own life. Are you feeling down? Is work or the kids stressing you out more than usual? I am not here to suggest that we all head in to the doctor tomorrow morning and get prescribed some meds cause we are having a bad day. Although, there are some really good meds out there! LOL.
What I am suggesting is, take an inventory of your life when times have gotten you down. Maybe you are suffering from some mild depression or anxiety. Maybe you just need to get your poop in a group or maybe you need some counseling. Whatever. Just make sure that you are looking after yourself and recognizing when you do need some help. The other part of this? DO NOT be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. Look at me. I'm writing a freaking blog telling the world about my crap. lol Anyways, please look after your mental health. Now secondly, I kind of answered it a bit already. Anyone of us can get or have some depression or anxiety of post-traumatic stress disorder. We are, after all just human. Remember that mental illnesses affect 1 in 4 people. Some of it mildly, some of it quite extensively. But take a look at these two totally different people. Again please remember that I don't know for sure that Junior Seau actually had depression, but let's assume that he did. These are two people that come or came from two totally different backgrounds. Led two totally different lives and had or have two totally different goals in life.
I have no doubt in my mind that mental illnesses can attack anyone, anywhere and anytime. It does not matter that you did not play any contact sports or ever suffer a concussion. It does not matter that you never did drugs or ever drink. I don't know the how's or the why's; I just know that like me, there are many sufferers out there in the world. Some are strong, some are weak. I just want you to take care of yourselves and the others in your lives. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through the "pain" that I go through. Anyways, I am starting to ramble now and lose my train of thought. Have a good evening and love your families!!
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