June 19/12

Evening...
   Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
   We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
   So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
   I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
   As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
   Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
   My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
   I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.

June 13/12

Evening All...
   How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
   I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
   So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.

                                       You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

   I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!

June 5/12

Morning to You...
   How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even  though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
   I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
   There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
   I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
   Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn