Good Evening to All,
How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!
Saturday 14 July 2012
Monday 2 July 2012
July 2/12
Good Evening...
How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!
How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!
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