Evening...
Well here we are at the end of February all ready. Wow, the time is flying by. Sorry that I have not been around lately, I have been super busy with work and putting in some long hours. Haven't exactly been in the mood to sit down in front of the computer and type out a blog. Plus, we have been pretty busy house hunting. The frustration of searching for a home, trapsing through one house after another, looking at what some people consider a home to sell is really hard on the mental levels. I have not been feeling overly anxious about this. I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that I am not at all anxious about buying or moving into a new house. But, I really find that my emotions get out of whack doing all of this.
It is easy enough to spiral down into anger or depression or just plain old frustration certain times in life. I find that in the last 6 years, at certain times, I am way more exposed to anger and frustration with my anxiety disorder. Of course, this makes all the sense in the world. Tonight I am not telling you or giving you a coping strategy with how I deal with this. I am a lot more relaxed as I get older and don't stay too angry for long. So as for what I do to relieve this pressure? Well, nothing. I know that I just need 5 or 10 minutes to cool down or relax and my mood changes. That's me though. You might be a little bit more of an angry person or hold on to that anger a little longer than you should.
Therapists and "professionals" say that you should take 5 minutes to yourself and lock yourself away in a room to chill out. You can take some deep breathes and slowly count backwards from say 1 million. Alright, 50 would probably do. Of course these are just a few little ideas to help you out. As I said, I don't stay angry for too long and it seems to subside with me. I'm not even really that angry; but I can feel that I am not right. I feel that one more little thing will blow my top off. Sometimes, I think that people think that I am a grouch because of this. I tend to lock away inside of myself and just feel angry, frustrated, bummed out, down...whatever you want to call it.
I have really found this whole house hunting thing quite "bummer-ific" sometimes. This house has potential or that one has a great yard. The pictures of it look great or it has what we are looking for. Then you go and see it and it is a total let down. Is this going to be the house that we want? Nope, not this one, again. I know that it will happen and when it does, we will know it. Just very frustrating and somewhat discouraging. So how is this all affecting me? Well, as I said at the top, I have been very busy at work and am looking after a trainee as well. So I don't really have the time to think to much about it. I also had my in-laws down here for a few days as well, so I didn't really think about it then either.
I have basically left it in God's hands and asked him to show us the house that he wants us to be in. I have a whole lot of other things going on in my life that I don't need the fret and worry of looking for a house to aid in bringing me down as well. I think that whatever your "higher power" (to quote AA, NA and mental classes) is, you need to trust in him or her to guide you on your path. I think that you need to put your thoughts and beliefs in your God and trust that he will lead you to where he wants you to be, not where you want to be. I also think that if none of this works, buy yourself a really nice big U-Haul box and find an alley to squat in. That's what we're gonna do!!!
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Thursday 23 February 2012
Feb.23/12
Evening All,
How is everyone this evening? I trust that you are all doing well and enjoying your families this evening. So today I had to go out to the rig that I don't like to go to. Way out in the boonies and no cel phone service. But, today was quite different for me. I actually felt very little anxiety going out there today. I did feel a little twinge on my way there, but it was very slight. I actually almost enjoyed driving out there today also. Almost. So what was different about today for me? Well, I am not sure. The only different in my life at this moment is this new Anxiety book that I have been reading. I am only reading in the second chapter right now, but I think that it is going to be a very helpful book for me. So far there has been quite a few helpful things that I have read.
One of the things that I have read is very simple. The author has been describing "The Five Faces of Anxiety: Which one is mine?". Something this simple has already made me feel better. Is this book going to cure me? Well, no of course not. There is no cure for this; there is the ability to cope with it much easier though. In the book, I have read into this section that my specific anxiety disorder is actually called a panic disorder. The interesting thing of this that I have read is the author describing the symptoms of each "face" of anxiety. The best part of this is (and I quote): "many people have panic attacks at different times of their lives; and people with other types of anxiety may experience such attacks. The difference is that in other anxiety conditions , episodes are triggered by particular phobias, circumstances or thoughts rather than panic itself." "...people with panic come to fear the "outside world" because their attacks occur there. Whether the danger seems to be death itself; i.e succumbing to a heart attack in a wide open field with no way to phone a doctor or fainting in a crowded movie theater; fear of the panic attack becomes connected to fear of being away from home."
Holy Crap! What an eye opener that was. And that is only part of what is written. Unbelievable. I thought about that writing quite a bit today on my way out to the rig. Of course, as you read there, there was no cure. Maybe it was just the knowledge that I gained in reading that, that helped to ease my fears a little bit. I don't know. I don't have an answer for you or anyone else. There was also some other stuff that I was thinkning about and it too was eye opening for me. People who suffer from anxiety disorders have trouble losing weight because your body is in a state of confusion. Well, your mind is in a state of confusion which puts the body in that same state. Our bodies register that something is wrong and it needs to store "fats" because it is being told that something is wrong.
Our flight or fight messages kick in and our biochemistry gets thrown all out of whack. Again, please don't take everything I say here as the gospel. I am just repeating to you what I am getting out of this; maybe I way out in left field. (okay, I am) but it makes a lot of sense to me why I have also struggled with losing my weight that I have gained. The bottom line is that my mind and body are not working in conjunction, but oppositely. Yeah for me!! Anyways, today was a really great day for me and I really liked it. I am still tired this evening and feeling a little taxed as it still tires me out doing that drive and service, but I am here anyways.
I hope that you all got something out of this this evening. Have a good one.
How is everyone this evening? I trust that you are all doing well and enjoying your families this evening. So today I had to go out to the rig that I don't like to go to. Way out in the boonies and no cel phone service. But, today was quite different for me. I actually felt very little anxiety going out there today. I did feel a little twinge on my way there, but it was very slight. I actually almost enjoyed driving out there today also. Almost. So what was different about today for me? Well, I am not sure. The only different in my life at this moment is this new Anxiety book that I have been reading. I am only reading in the second chapter right now, but I think that it is going to be a very helpful book for me. So far there has been quite a few helpful things that I have read.
One of the things that I have read is very simple. The author has been describing "The Five Faces of Anxiety: Which one is mine?". Something this simple has already made me feel better. Is this book going to cure me? Well, no of course not. There is no cure for this; there is the ability to cope with it much easier though. In the book, I have read into this section that my specific anxiety disorder is actually called a panic disorder. The interesting thing of this that I have read is the author describing the symptoms of each "face" of anxiety. The best part of this is (and I quote): "many people have panic attacks at different times of their lives; and people with other types of anxiety may experience such attacks. The difference is that in other anxiety conditions , episodes are triggered by particular phobias, circumstances or thoughts rather than panic itself." "...people with panic come to fear the "outside world" because their attacks occur there. Whether the danger seems to be death itself; i.e succumbing to a heart attack in a wide open field with no way to phone a doctor or fainting in a crowded movie theater; fear of the panic attack becomes connected to fear of being away from home."
Holy Crap! What an eye opener that was. And that is only part of what is written. Unbelievable. I thought about that writing quite a bit today on my way out to the rig. Of course, as you read there, there was no cure. Maybe it was just the knowledge that I gained in reading that, that helped to ease my fears a little bit. I don't know. I don't have an answer for you or anyone else. There was also some other stuff that I was thinkning about and it too was eye opening for me. People who suffer from anxiety disorders have trouble losing weight because your body is in a state of confusion. Well, your mind is in a state of confusion which puts the body in that same state. Our bodies register that something is wrong and it needs to store "fats" because it is being told that something is wrong.
Our flight or fight messages kick in and our biochemistry gets thrown all out of whack. Again, please don't take everything I say here as the gospel. I am just repeating to you what I am getting out of this; maybe I way out in left field. (okay, I am) but it makes a lot of sense to me why I have also struggled with losing my weight that I have gained. The bottom line is that my mind and body are not working in conjunction, but oppositely. Yeah for me!! Anyways, today was a really great day for me and I really liked it. I am still tired this evening and feeling a little taxed as it still tires me out doing that drive and service, but I am here anyways.
I hope that you all got something out of this this evening. Have a good one.
Monday 20 February 2012
Feb.20/12
Good Evening All,
Hey. Haven't been here for a day or two. Just wanted to wait to write when I actually had something that I wanted to say and not bore you all to death. I don't have to much to say this evening either but I wanted to give you an "update" on how I am. I have mentioned in this blog numerous times about my beliefs and what I believe in. I am not here to preach to anyone. I just wanted to tell you that whatever it is that you believe in, hold fast and true to those beliefs and don't let them go. As you all know, last year was a very crappy year for me and my family. We went through some very hard times and could very easily have given up and got mad at our God and denounced him if we wanted to. But, we didn't. Why? Because we believe that there is a plan for all of us on this earth. 99.9% of the time, we absolutely cannot see that plan that is laid for us. We go by faith.
Last year, many many times when I prayed to my God; I asked him to take away this disease that I have. I begged and pleaded for it to go away. At the time, I felt like Job and I couldn't rightfully understand why I was facing the battle that I was. If I had given up in my beliefs or what I felt was a plan that God had intended for me, I might not be here today. If I had commited suicide, well, I definately would not have been here today. Am I reaching anyone with this blog? I don't know. Is anyone actually getting anything out of this? Again, I don't know. But I felt the need to write it; I felt the need to tell you all about my struggles. Was that my God telling me to do that? Who knows. I do know one thing and that is this, I believe that it was in the path that I am to walk in this life.
As I told you, I have a really great job. I work for a really great company who knows about my anxiety. They have not babied me or held my hand or anything like that. Did I expect at this same time last year that I would be in this position? Absolutely not. We (Krystle and I) can look back at 2011 and see the "path" that we walked to get to this point and time in our lives. I don't claim to understand God's path or desire for our lives, but I know that he has one. Again, whatever you choose to believe in is your business. However you choose to believe in something is your business also. But whatever it is that you believe in, just don't let go.
Last year, all I could see was trees. Trees all around me. In front, behind and to the side. I was in a "forest" that had no disernable path for me to follow. I felt that I was just ambling along. Now, I am in a helicopter high above that forest and I can clearly see the path that was walked. And when you get right down to it, it wasn't ambling all over the place. I took a distinct path, I just couldn't see it. So make sure that you stay on your path, even if it doesn't make any sense to you at all. Don't deviate from it and in the end it will make all of the sense in the world to you. Just trust in yourself, your significant other, your family, friends whatever. Believe that you can get through those trees and you will. You can see the light, you just cannot figure out how to get to it. You too can win some ground in your battle and live to fight another day.
Hey. Haven't been here for a day or two. Just wanted to wait to write when I actually had something that I wanted to say and not bore you all to death. I don't have to much to say this evening either but I wanted to give you an "update" on how I am. I have mentioned in this blog numerous times about my beliefs and what I believe in. I am not here to preach to anyone. I just wanted to tell you that whatever it is that you believe in, hold fast and true to those beliefs and don't let them go. As you all know, last year was a very crappy year for me and my family. We went through some very hard times and could very easily have given up and got mad at our God and denounced him if we wanted to. But, we didn't. Why? Because we believe that there is a plan for all of us on this earth. 99.9% of the time, we absolutely cannot see that plan that is laid for us. We go by faith.
Last year, many many times when I prayed to my God; I asked him to take away this disease that I have. I begged and pleaded for it to go away. At the time, I felt like Job and I couldn't rightfully understand why I was facing the battle that I was. If I had given up in my beliefs or what I felt was a plan that God had intended for me, I might not be here today. If I had commited suicide, well, I definately would not have been here today. Am I reaching anyone with this blog? I don't know. Is anyone actually getting anything out of this? Again, I don't know. But I felt the need to write it; I felt the need to tell you all about my struggles. Was that my God telling me to do that? Who knows. I do know one thing and that is this, I believe that it was in the path that I am to walk in this life.
As I told you, I have a really great job. I work for a really great company who knows about my anxiety. They have not babied me or held my hand or anything like that. Did I expect at this same time last year that I would be in this position? Absolutely not. We (Krystle and I) can look back at 2011 and see the "path" that we walked to get to this point and time in our lives. I don't claim to understand God's path or desire for our lives, but I know that he has one. Again, whatever you choose to believe in is your business. However you choose to believe in something is your business also. But whatever it is that you believe in, just don't let go.
Last year, all I could see was trees. Trees all around me. In front, behind and to the side. I was in a "forest" that had no disernable path for me to follow. I felt that I was just ambling along. Now, I am in a helicopter high above that forest and I can clearly see the path that was walked. And when you get right down to it, it wasn't ambling all over the place. I took a distinct path, I just couldn't see it. So make sure that you stay on your path, even if it doesn't make any sense to you at all. Don't deviate from it and in the end it will make all of the sense in the world to you. Just trust in yourself, your significant other, your family, friends whatever. Believe that you can get through those trees and you will. You can see the light, you just cannot figure out how to get to it. You too can win some ground in your battle and live to fight another day.
Friday 17 February 2012
Feb.17/12
Evening All,
How is everyone this evening?? Me? I am fine, thanks for asking. I bought a new anxiety workbook that I am quite excited to try out and read. See where it takes me. Today was a fairly good day for me as far as the anxiety goes. I am still loving my job and really enjoying what I am doing. I got to spend some real nice time with some family and as previously mentioned, I got a new book that I am really excited about. Oh! I don't know if I have mentioned it on here or not, but I am not taking that job down in Calgary at my office. It was not quite what I thought it was going to be and I would have been working in the office all week long with a slight possibility of heading out to the field. Even though I battle being away from home and sometimes struggle with it, I still really enjoying working outside. I still really enjoy getting my hands dirty and getting to see what God has created everyday.
I think with this evening's blog, it for sure won't be a long one and I would like to talk about relaxing "sports" or hobbies etc. I told you all on here that I really enjoy building my birdhouses and that it brings about peace and tranquility for me. But something else that I really enjoy is golfing. Let's not debate whether or not golf is a sport. I say it is, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, I think that finding something to do that distracts mind and focuses your energy elsewhere is a very good thing. For those of you who know me; I am very competitive person. I absolutely 100% hate to lose. Yes, hate is a strong word but, I HATE to lose.
I don't care if I am playing Monopoly, Tiddlywinks, Hockey, Cribbage or Golf. I want to win everytime. That being said, I am not a poor sport or a poor loser. Yes, I will be disappointed that my team lost or that I lost. But give me 10 minutes and I will get over it and move on. All of that being said...I really enjoy golfing. It is me against the course. It is me that has to do my absolute best to succeed. It is me who has to focus on what I doing it, how I am doing it and why I am doing it. I love the "man vs. nature" aspect of golfing. And I really enjoy the nature. Last year or the year before, I was out golfing with my father in law up near Lloydminster. We were golfing on his home course which is a little 9 hole course. So we were playing 9 again and had gotten to about the 13th or 14th hole.
We both chipped our shots up onto the green and started to drive our cart over there. Suddenly there was a fairly large sized black and white stripped animal heading our way. Needless to say, neither one of us wanted to get sprayed by that skunk all in the name of golf; so we waited for him to go away before trying to play our next shot. As funny or silly as that is, it was really nice to see that skunk in it's own habitat doing its own thing and not just trying to cross a road.
If you suffer from a mental illness or are just feeling the stresses of life building up for you; find a hobby or a sport that you can enjoy that will re-focus your thinking patterns and just might re-focus some of your life. Enjoy yourselves now or in the summer when you are able to take up your hobby. I know that I will and cannot wait for the golfing season to begin.
How is everyone this evening?? Me? I am fine, thanks for asking. I bought a new anxiety workbook that I am quite excited to try out and read. See where it takes me. Today was a fairly good day for me as far as the anxiety goes. I am still loving my job and really enjoying what I am doing. I got to spend some real nice time with some family and as previously mentioned, I got a new book that I am really excited about. Oh! I don't know if I have mentioned it on here or not, but I am not taking that job down in Calgary at my office. It was not quite what I thought it was going to be and I would have been working in the office all week long with a slight possibility of heading out to the field. Even though I battle being away from home and sometimes struggle with it, I still really enjoying working outside. I still really enjoy getting my hands dirty and getting to see what God has created everyday.
I think with this evening's blog, it for sure won't be a long one and I would like to talk about relaxing "sports" or hobbies etc. I told you all on here that I really enjoy building my birdhouses and that it brings about peace and tranquility for me. But something else that I really enjoy is golfing. Let's not debate whether or not golf is a sport. I say it is, but that's neither here nor there. Anyways, I think that finding something to do that distracts mind and focuses your energy elsewhere is a very good thing. For those of you who know me; I am very competitive person. I absolutely 100% hate to lose. Yes, hate is a strong word but, I HATE to lose.
I don't care if I am playing Monopoly, Tiddlywinks, Hockey, Cribbage or Golf. I want to win everytime. That being said, I am not a poor sport or a poor loser. Yes, I will be disappointed that my team lost or that I lost. But give me 10 minutes and I will get over it and move on. All of that being said...I really enjoy golfing. It is me against the course. It is me that has to do my absolute best to succeed. It is me who has to focus on what I doing it, how I am doing it and why I am doing it. I love the "man vs. nature" aspect of golfing. And I really enjoy the nature. Last year or the year before, I was out golfing with my father in law up near Lloydminster. We were golfing on his home course which is a little 9 hole course. So we were playing 9 again and had gotten to about the 13th or 14th hole.
We both chipped our shots up onto the green and started to drive our cart over there. Suddenly there was a fairly large sized black and white stripped animal heading our way. Needless to say, neither one of us wanted to get sprayed by that skunk all in the name of golf; so we waited for him to go away before trying to play our next shot. As funny or silly as that is, it was really nice to see that skunk in it's own habitat doing its own thing and not just trying to cross a road.
If you suffer from a mental illness or are just feeling the stresses of life building up for you; find a hobby or a sport that you can enjoy that will re-focus your thinking patterns and just might re-focus some of your life. Enjoy yourselves now or in the summer when you are able to take up your hobby. I know that I will and cannot wait for the golfing season to begin.
Thursday 16 February 2012
Feb.16/12
Evening,
What is it about death or the possibility of death that makes us question our own mortality? Why are we afraid of dying? Who is afraid of dying? I am. As I have mentioned before, I have my beliefs in God and I fully believe in a heaven and a hell. I'm not here to talk about where you or I will be going, but to make a point. I believe in Heaven and I believe that some day I will be going there. I hope that I am an 80 year old man before that happens. If I believe in Heaven and I believe that I am going there one day, then why am I scared of dying? Well, quite truthfully I like it here. But the thing that scares me or hurts me the most, is the thought of leaving my wife and kids behind.
This has been a much bigger thing for me in the last 6 or 7 years. Notice a pattern? If you knew exactly how old my daughter was or how long I have been married for, you would see that those two numbers coincide with this thinking. When I was younger, I never ever thought about dying. I took chances and risks that I probably should not have. Nothing crazy mind you, but looking back at some of the things I did...makes you wonder, what the heck were you thinking at that time? Then I met Krystle and we had our kids. Since then, I have had a terrible fear of dying. Which, of course, is VERY handy when you have an anxiety disorder.
Your palms are sweating, you feel dizzy, you have a big gas bubble built up inside your chest and you think, "here it comes...my heart attack." If you read last nights blog or have followed along here, this is a very common sign of having an anxiety attack. Great! So, I'm already scared to die and you give me this. Awesome. Cannot wait for that feeling to come back. How about any of you? Are you scared to die or scared of dying? For this question, I am not at all caring what or who you believe in. I don't care if you believe that your sink is your God. I am fine with that. I am just curious if anyone feels this same way. You don't have to actually answer, its a rhetorical question.
So the point of tonights blog is very simple. There are a lot of different side effects associated with having a mental illness. Side effect is probably not the right word, more like symptom. Quite a few of the symptoms of anxiety disorder or whatever disorder are treatable with the tools in your toolbox. You can do deep breathing to relax yourself, snap a rubber band on your wrist, self talk yourself; whatever it may be. But I have yet to find something that takes away the fear of dying for me. My best defense when I feel this way? Just to try my hardest to think of something else or try to change my thinking pattern. It doesn't always work and I find that I can get myself jacked up very quickly. This is definitely one feeling of having an anxiety disorder that I don't like.
What brought this up tonight? Well, legendary baseball hall of famer, Gary Carter, passed away today from brain cancer. We also have had some family issues in the last little bit that added to this thinking. Today I had another really long day of driving and PLENTY of time to think. Bet you cannot guess what creeped into my mind? That's right, eating ice cream. Seriously though, this came into my mind today and it took me quite a bit of work to change my thinking. I am afraid of not being able to laugh anymore or tell jokes or be an idiot. I am afraid that my children and my wife will be unable to cope with the loss. I am afraid that I will be unable to listen to music or watch movies anymore. I am not afraid of where I am going, just when I am going.
What is it about death or the possibility of death that makes us question our own mortality? Why are we afraid of dying? Who is afraid of dying? I am. As I have mentioned before, I have my beliefs in God and I fully believe in a heaven and a hell. I'm not here to talk about where you or I will be going, but to make a point. I believe in Heaven and I believe that some day I will be going there. I hope that I am an 80 year old man before that happens. If I believe in Heaven and I believe that I am going there one day, then why am I scared of dying? Well, quite truthfully I like it here. But the thing that scares me or hurts me the most, is the thought of leaving my wife and kids behind.
This has been a much bigger thing for me in the last 6 or 7 years. Notice a pattern? If you knew exactly how old my daughter was or how long I have been married for, you would see that those two numbers coincide with this thinking. When I was younger, I never ever thought about dying. I took chances and risks that I probably should not have. Nothing crazy mind you, but looking back at some of the things I did...makes you wonder, what the heck were you thinking at that time? Then I met Krystle and we had our kids. Since then, I have had a terrible fear of dying. Which, of course, is VERY handy when you have an anxiety disorder.
Your palms are sweating, you feel dizzy, you have a big gas bubble built up inside your chest and you think, "here it comes...my heart attack." If you read last nights blog or have followed along here, this is a very common sign of having an anxiety attack. Great! So, I'm already scared to die and you give me this. Awesome. Cannot wait for that feeling to come back. How about any of you? Are you scared to die or scared of dying? For this question, I am not at all caring what or who you believe in. I don't care if you believe that your sink is your God. I am fine with that. I am just curious if anyone feels this same way. You don't have to actually answer, its a rhetorical question.
So the point of tonights blog is very simple. There are a lot of different side effects associated with having a mental illness. Side effect is probably not the right word, more like symptom. Quite a few of the symptoms of anxiety disorder or whatever disorder are treatable with the tools in your toolbox. You can do deep breathing to relax yourself, snap a rubber band on your wrist, self talk yourself; whatever it may be. But I have yet to find something that takes away the fear of dying for me. My best defense when I feel this way? Just to try my hardest to think of something else or try to change my thinking pattern. It doesn't always work and I find that I can get myself jacked up very quickly. This is definitely one feeling of having an anxiety disorder that I don't like.
What brought this up tonight? Well, legendary baseball hall of famer, Gary Carter, passed away today from brain cancer. We also have had some family issues in the last little bit that added to this thinking. Today I had another really long day of driving and PLENTY of time to think. Bet you cannot guess what creeped into my mind? That's right, eating ice cream. Seriously though, this came into my mind today and it took me quite a bit of work to change my thinking. I am afraid of not being able to laugh anymore or tell jokes or be an idiot. I am afraid that my children and my wife will be unable to cope with the loss. I am afraid that I will be unable to listen to music or watch movies anymore. I am not afraid of where I am going, just when I am going.
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Feb.15/12
Evening All,
Sorry that I did not get a blog out last night. I had a VERY long day as I did a lot of driving, approximately 800kms in one day. I didn't get home until late last night at around 02:30 in the morning. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood to sit down in front of my computer and type out some tired thoughts. Anyways, I am here this evening and raring to go. Couple of things on my mind tonight that I would to talk about. One of the things that is bothering me, well not bothering me, but on my mind. I am wondering if any of you have a family member, friend or even yourself who should be taking some prescribed medication for an anxiety disorder, depression, psychosis or being bi-polar.
Are you or your friend/family member having some second thoughts about taking the meds? I think that there are a few misconceptions out there about medications. Now obviously I cannot speak for the bi-polar meds or the depression meds or anything else except for anxiety meds. If you recall, I wrote at the beginning of all of this, I was reluctant to take my meds for fear of becoming a zombie or something like that. I think that these misconceptions are very legitimate or real as we as a society have been exposed to Ritalin and those types of meds for "controlling" children or bringing down their hyperness. I am not here to say that they do or they don't do those sorts of things. But movies, media and TV perpetuate the "stereotype" of how these medicines will make you.
I don't think that you should add to your stress or your anxiety by being afraid of taking them. The meds are made for a reason. In my case, my meds help to balance out the chemicals in my brain. Again, I am not a professional on meds, I am just giving my opinion from personal experience. If you are someone you love is not wanting to take the meds because of some sort of thinking of becoming a zombie; you do not have to take it forever. If you start to take one and you don't like the side effects from it, then stop taking it and try something different. Oh, don't listen to me and just stop taking it; consult your doctor. But, I am just here to say that that is NOT how the meds work. Some will make you sleepier and some might take away a sexual drive. Here's the kicker: Did you know that Tylenol has MORE side effects associated with it than some of these medicine's that are used to treat mental illness? It's true. Ask your doc to show you in their meds book.
I know that I have talked extensively on anxiety here because it is all I know. But, I just wanted to tighten up some things I may have said on here. So, What is Anxiety? Everyone experiences some form of anxiety; however, anxiety becomes problematic when it is too intense, lasts a long time or interferes with day to day activities. Unfortunately, with the exception of traumatic events, it is very difficult to pinpoint specific causes of anxiety. There are a few different types of anxiety disorders to discern from as well.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD) -is the most common. It is an overwhelming worry or fear about things that might go wrong even with no signs of trouble.
Panic Attacks - are brief moments of intense fear. The physical reactions include shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, shakiness, sweating, fear of losing control and wanting to run away. Panic Attacks can feel like a heart attack.
Phobias -are irrational and extreme fears related to specific situations, people or things. Most often the fear is about being harmed, losing control, having a panic attack or being embarassed.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorders(OCD) -are unwanted, repetitive, intrusive thoughts and/or repetitive behaviours that can cause serious distress.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders(PTSD) -are an intense and lasting reaction to serious, life threatening events that have occured in the past such as violence, accidents or natural disasters.
Just wanted to clarify a few things so that I did not lead anyone down the wrong road from some of my previous posts. The information that I posted here is from the Alberta Mental Health Board and not from my own mind. I hope you found this post somewhat informative tonight. Have a good one.
Shawn
Sorry that I did not get a blog out last night. I had a VERY long day as I did a lot of driving, approximately 800kms in one day. I didn't get home until late last night at around 02:30 in the morning. Needless to say, I wasn't in the mood to sit down in front of my computer and type out some tired thoughts. Anyways, I am here this evening and raring to go. Couple of things on my mind tonight that I would to talk about. One of the things that is bothering me, well not bothering me, but on my mind. I am wondering if any of you have a family member, friend or even yourself who should be taking some prescribed medication for an anxiety disorder, depression, psychosis or being bi-polar.
Are you or your friend/family member having some second thoughts about taking the meds? I think that there are a few misconceptions out there about medications. Now obviously I cannot speak for the bi-polar meds or the depression meds or anything else except for anxiety meds. If you recall, I wrote at the beginning of all of this, I was reluctant to take my meds for fear of becoming a zombie or something like that. I think that these misconceptions are very legitimate or real as we as a society have been exposed to Ritalin and those types of meds for "controlling" children or bringing down their hyperness. I am not here to say that they do or they don't do those sorts of things. But movies, media and TV perpetuate the "stereotype" of how these medicines will make you.
I don't think that you should add to your stress or your anxiety by being afraid of taking them. The meds are made for a reason. In my case, my meds help to balance out the chemicals in my brain. Again, I am not a professional on meds, I am just giving my opinion from personal experience. If you are someone you love is not wanting to take the meds because of some sort of thinking of becoming a zombie; you do not have to take it forever. If you start to take one and you don't like the side effects from it, then stop taking it and try something different. Oh, don't listen to me and just stop taking it; consult your doctor. But, I am just here to say that that is NOT how the meds work. Some will make you sleepier and some might take away a sexual drive. Here's the kicker: Did you know that Tylenol has MORE side effects associated with it than some of these medicine's that are used to treat mental illness? It's true. Ask your doc to show you in their meds book.
I know that I have talked extensively on anxiety here because it is all I know. But, I just wanted to tighten up some things I may have said on here. So, What is Anxiety? Everyone experiences some form of anxiety; however, anxiety becomes problematic when it is too intense, lasts a long time or interferes with day to day activities. Unfortunately, with the exception of traumatic events, it is very difficult to pinpoint specific causes of anxiety. There are a few different types of anxiety disorders to discern from as well.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD) -is the most common. It is an overwhelming worry or fear about things that might go wrong even with no signs of trouble.
Panic Attacks - are brief moments of intense fear. The physical reactions include shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, shakiness, sweating, fear of losing control and wanting to run away. Panic Attacks can feel like a heart attack.
Phobias -are irrational and extreme fears related to specific situations, people or things. Most often the fear is about being harmed, losing control, having a panic attack or being embarassed.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorders(OCD) -are unwanted, repetitive, intrusive thoughts and/or repetitive behaviours that can cause serious distress.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders(PTSD) -are an intense and lasting reaction to serious, life threatening events that have occured in the past such as violence, accidents or natural disasters.
Just wanted to clarify a few things so that I did not lead anyone down the wrong road from some of my previous posts. The information that I posted here is from the Alberta Mental Health Board and not from my own mind. I hope you found this post somewhat informative tonight. Have a good one.
Shawn
Monday 13 February 2012
Feb.13/12
Evening All...
Let's get right into it. I have a few things I want to get going on tonight. Firstly, I am a little frustrated and angry. Not so much angry, more frustrated. As I mentioned on Friday, I was offered an office position by my office. Tomorrow, Tuesday, I was supposed to go down to Calgary and find out more about the position. Would we have to move? Am I to be in the office 5 days a week? Does my salary change? Do I still have a company vehicle? And on and on and on...I need to find these things out to calm my brain and my nerves. I want to know because this affects our future. As I might have mentioned here, we are on the verge of buying a new house. Not brand new, just new to us. We obviously won't buy a house here in RD if we were going to have to move down towards Calgary. So I was really looking forward to going down there tomorrow and finding out all of the information.
Well, I'm not going down there tomorrow. Why? Because my immediate bosses have some rigs for me to look after for tomorrow. Not a big deal. So, I emailed my big boss and told him that we could just do it over the phone if that was fine with him and he emailed me back and told me that whenever the bosses can release me to come down to Calgary we will do it then. That doesn't help me or my family out at all. It also doesn't help out my anxiety at all either. So I am feeling very frustrated this evening because I am not going to get the answers that I was looking for tomorrow. Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Secondly, I have a rig to go to that is quite a ways away from home here. It is approximately 150kms SW of Red Deer. I drive down Hwy #2 to the Olds turnoff and then head West to Sundre. Once I get to Sundre, I head West for about 12kms and then head South. After turning South, I lose ALL phone service about 15kms down the road. This is a very big struggle for me. I have absolutely NO contact with my number one support being Krystle. I have NO contact with anyone else for that matter. And I absolutely hate it. I cannot stand it. I feel very anxious every time that I have to go to that rig. Its a really deep well that they are drilling, so they are going to be there until June or July. SO, that means I still have another 46,000 trips out there to make.
It is a very beautiful drive out there. Lots of trees; driving into the mountains; the Red Deer river runs through there, etc, etc. But it is a HUGE challenge for me to go out there. Now the very first time I went out there, I had no idea that there would be no phone service out there at all. Even at the rig, no service. Unbelievable!! I did that first service as fast as possible and got out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a madman. I was uncomfortable and anxious that whole time. The second time I went out there, it was much better. I was still anxious and uncomfortable, BUT it was much better. I got through it with all my tools and thankfully with my trusty elastic bands. I snapped the crap out of my wrist 3 or 4 times. The next time I went out, same thing again. Really difficult driving out there and dealing with the anxiety, but coming back I was much more relaxed. I managed again.
Of course, I am proud of my accomplishments of getting out there and getting back. I never drove out there like a madman the second or third time though, so that to me was totally awesome. BUT today...today was really different. Now, I still managed to get through it. I still managed to get out there and back again in one piece, but I am still dealing with the anxiety of getting out there. My palms are sweating, my socks are soaked from sweating feet, I feel hot, stomach is upset. And why? I think of being away from home and it really stresses me out. If I let my mind wander just an eighth of a degree to where I am or where I am going or what I am doing; I start to feel anxious and antsy. Why must it be this way? I hate it and wish that it would just go away and leave me alone.
Today, I did manage it with the help of my trusty rubber bands again and snapping the crap out of my wrist. I did do some deep breathing that helped me to relax a little bit. I did try to focus on fun and happy things and once I got there and got doing my service, it was forgotten about. My mind melded away to work and that was it. So why does it have to be this way? I don't one single answer for you to read. I don't have a clue. The drive home is always easy. I never have any problems getting home. I am relieved to be going home. I am relaxed and calm. I just wish that the mind was easier to control and that the thought processes were not the way that they are for me. It is sometimes very discouraging to me. When I feel like I am climbing atop of the mountain, it doesn't take much of a snowball to turn into an avalanche and end up back at the bottom again.
This is how many of my days are and how many days are for those who struggle with a mental illness. I would give anything to not have this illness. I would give anything to have normal thought patterns and feelings towards being away from home or my safe place. How does one accomplish this? I don't know, but if I ever figure it out, I will let you know.
Let's get right into it. I have a few things I want to get going on tonight. Firstly, I am a little frustrated and angry. Not so much angry, more frustrated. As I mentioned on Friday, I was offered an office position by my office. Tomorrow, Tuesday, I was supposed to go down to Calgary and find out more about the position. Would we have to move? Am I to be in the office 5 days a week? Does my salary change? Do I still have a company vehicle? And on and on and on...I need to find these things out to calm my brain and my nerves. I want to know because this affects our future. As I might have mentioned here, we are on the verge of buying a new house. Not brand new, just new to us. We obviously won't buy a house here in RD if we were going to have to move down towards Calgary. So I was really looking forward to going down there tomorrow and finding out all of the information.
Well, I'm not going down there tomorrow. Why? Because my immediate bosses have some rigs for me to look after for tomorrow. Not a big deal. So, I emailed my big boss and told him that we could just do it over the phone if that was fine with him and he emailed me back and told me that whenever the bosses can release me to come down to Calgary we will do it then. That doesn't help me or my family out at all. It also doesn't help out my anxiety at all either. So I am feeling very frustrated this evening because I am not going to get the answers that I was looking for tomorrow. Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Secondly, I have a rig to go to that is quite a ways away from home here. It is approximately 150kms SW of Red Deer. I drive down Hwy #2 to the Olds turnoff and then head West to Sundre. Once I get to Sundre, I head West for about 12kms and then head South. After turning South, I lose ALL phone service about 15kms down the road. This is a very big struggle for me. I have absolutely NO contact with my number one support being Krystle. I have NO contact with anyone else for that matter. And I absolutely hate it. I cannot stand it. I feel very anxious every time that I have to go to that rig. Its a really deep well that they are drilling, so they are going to be there until June or July. SO, that means I still have another 46,000 trips out there to make.
It is a very beautiful drive out there. Lots of trees; driving into the mountains; the Red Deer river runs through there, etc, etc. But it is a HUGE challenge for me to go out there. Now the very first time I went out there, I had no idea that there would be no phone service out there at all. Even at the rig, no service. Unbelievable!! I did that first service as fast as possible and got out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a madman. I was uncomfortable and anxious that whole time. The second time I went out there, it was much better. I was still anxious and uncomfortable, BUT it was much better. I got through it with all my tools and thankfully with my trusty elastic bands. I snapped the crap out of my wrist 3 or 4 times. The next time I went out, same thing again. Really difficult driving out there and dealing with the anxiety, but coming back I was much more relaxed. I managed again.
Of course, I am proud of my accomplishments of getting out there and getting back. I never drove out there like a madman the second or third time though, so that to me was totally awesome. BUT today...today was really different. Now, I still managed to get through it. I still managed to get out there and back again in one piece, but I am still dealing with the anxiety of getting out there. My palms are sweating, my socks are soaked from sweating feet, I feel hot, stomach is upset. And why? I think of being away from home and it really stresses me out. If I let my mind wander just an eighth of a degree to where I am or where I am going or what I am doing; I start to feel anxious and antsy. Why must it be this way? I hate it and wish that it would just go away and leave me alone.
Today, I did manage it with the help of my trusty rubber bands again and snapping the crap out of my wrist. I did do some deep breathing that helped me to relax a little bit. I did try to focus on fun and happy things and once I got there and got doing my service, it was forgotten about. My mind melded away to work and that was it. So why does it have to be this way? I don't one single answer for you to read. I don't have a clue. The drive home is always easy. I never have any problems getting home. I am relieved to be going home. I am relaxed and calm. I just wish that the mind was easier to control and that the thought processes were not the way that they are for me. It is sometimes very discouraging to me. When I feel like I am climbing atop of the mountain, it doesn't take much of a snowball to turn into an avalanche and end up back at the bottom again.
This is how many of my days are and how many days are for those who struggle with a mental illness. I would give anything to not have this illness. I would give anything to have normal thought patterns and feelings towards being away from home or my safe place. How does one accomplish this? I don't know, but if I ever figure it out, I will let you know.
Sunday 12 February 2012
Feb.12/12
Hello to All,
How are you all doing this evening? Watching the Grammy's? Baking cookies? Well, I hope that you are enjoying yourselves. I've been struggling a little bit the last two days with my anxiety. On Friday, I told you all that I had gotten an offer for an office job that would be in Calgary at my, well, office. I talked to one of my bosses today and I am to go down on Tuesday to meet with the other bosses and find out the scoop on what is what with this new position. I obviously won't know anything until Tuesday as far as what would be expected of me. And I also obviously have quite a few questions that I would like to ask regarding this position. So why has my anxiety gotten up so high?
I know exactly what is going on, I just can't seem to change my focus. Okay I said it. It is changes. Changes that would be for the better for me and my family. The thought of having to find a new family doctor, a new school for the kids, make new friends, find a new church, new grocery store, new home etc, really messes with my mind. Of course, if I was only to be in the office a few times a week and then back out in the field, all of this totally moot point. Then we would not have to move from RD and all of these changes would not be occuring. How do you control your thought processes and alleviate the anxiety from controlling your every thought?
I don't know if you can. I know that we all have different degrees of anxiety and different ways of battling it. As I said earlier, all of us deal with anxiety. Some are anxious to go to a doctor's appointment to find out some results. Some of us have written a book and are anxious to see how it will be recieved. Some of us have to get up in front of our co-workers and give a report. We all have to deal with anxiety, but to what level? How do you control your anxiety? I am very thankful that I have a very loving and caring wife. I cannot say enough good things about her. Yes, we argue sometimes. Yes, I make her mad or she me. Yes, I am a jackass sometimes. But she loves me and my anxiety all the more. I am very blessed to have her in my life.
So tonight, I am just wondering how you battle your anxieties. If you would like to comment after reading this, that would be cool. You don't have to tell anyone whether or not you have an anxiety disorder like I do. I am just wondering what it is that you do to relax yourselves. The things that I have talked about are not seeming to be working right now. And of course, I realize that my anxiety is pretty normal here. I realize that these changes, should they happen, make total sense in the world. I think that anxiety disorder or not, anyone would be anxious about these things. But having the anxiety disorder does not help to alleviate any of these thoughts. It just makes them more intense and uncontrollable. I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers this evening and tomorrow evening as well.
Sorry that I am not writing anything awe inspiring here this evening. Obviously, my mind is in other places. Have a good evening and we will talk tomorrow night.
How are you all doing this evening? Watching the Grammy's? Baking cookies? Well, I hope that you are enjoying yourselves. I've been struggling a little bit the last two days with my anxiety. On Friday, I told you all that I had gotten an offer for an office job that would be in Calgary at my, well, office. I talked to one of my bosses today and I am to go down on Tuesday to meet with the other bosses and find out the scoop on what is what with this new position. I obviously won't know anything until Tuesday as far as what would be expected of me. And I also obviously have quite a few questions that I would like to ask regarding this position. So why has my anxiety gotten up so high?
I know exactly what is going on, I just can't seem to change my focus. Okay I said it. It is changes. Changes that would be for the better for me and my family. The thought of having to find a new family doctor, a new school for the kids, make new friends, find a new church, new grocery store, new home etc, really messes with my mind. Of course, if I was only to be in the office a few times a week and then back out in the field, all of this totally moot point. Then we would not have to move from RD and all of these changes would not be occuring. How do you control your thought processes and alleviate the anxiety from controlling your every thought?
I don't know if you can. I know that we all have different degrees of anxiety and different ways of battling it. As I said earlier, all of us deal with anxiety. Some are anxious to go to a doctor's appointment to find out some results. Some of us have written a book and are anxious to see how it will be recieved. Some of us have to get up in front of our co-workers and give a report. We all have to deal with anxiety, but to what level? How do you control your anxiety? I am very thankful that I have a very loving and caring wife. I cannot say enough good things about her. Yes, we argue sometimes. Yes, I make her mad or she me. Yes, I am a jackass sometimes. But she loves me and my anxiety all the more. I am very blessed to have her in my life.
So tonight, I am just wondering how you battle your anxieties. If you would like to comment after reading this, that would be cool. You don't have to tell anyone whether or not you have an anxiety disorder like I do. I am just wondering what it is that you do to relax yourselves. The things that I have talked about are not seeming to be working right now. And of course, I realize that my anxiety is pretty normal here. I realize that these changes, should they happen, make total sense in the world. I think that anxiety disorder or not, anyone would be anxious about these things. But having the anxiety disorder does not help to alleviate any of these thoughts. It just makes them more intense and uncontrollable. I would really appreciate your thoughts and prayers this evening and tomorrow evening as well.
Sorry that I am not writing anything awe inspiring here this evening. Obviously, my mind is in other places. Have a good evening and we will talk tomorrow night.
Saturday 11 February 2012
Feb.11/12
Good Evening All...
I trust that you are all doing well this evening. So I was talking to a friend today who is Bi-Polar. She has started to write a book that she says she wants to write so that people can understand what is going on up in her head. She forwarded me a sampling of the book, actually all that she had written. After viewing last night, I had told her today that I read it. Of course, she wanted my opinion on it and I told her. I told her that if she was writing for a guy like me who deals with a mental illness or someone who knows all about mental illness via a family member, then her book would make total sense and not come off schizophrenic or crazy. But that if she was writing that same book for the average joe, I think that they might think that it was crazy and not continue reading it.
After telling her that, I basically told her that she would need to "dumb" it down for the average joe to get it. Of course, she is like me and just wants to tell her story in her own way so that you, the average joe or joanne as it were, can understand what she or I or anyone with a mental illness goes through. And I guess that this is the point of tonights blog. Most or all of you reading this are VERY supportive to me and my family. I have had no negative comments on this and everyone is applauding me in my bravery and courage for writing this blog. While I fully appreciate all and every positive comment made to me, I too am just an "average joe". I too have relationships, children, money problems, stress and grey hairs. I too can catch a cold, have nausea, sore muscles and get the odd zit.(I thought those were supposed to go away after the teenage years.?.?)
So what makes you different from me? Besides the fact that I am incredibly good looking? lol. Seriously? Nothing. Oh, nothing besides the white noise that goes on in my brain. Nothing besides the fear of losing control and allowing my anxiety to take over. Nothing besides freaking out when I can't seem to get a nice deep breathe going. Otherwise, I am just like you. Why do have such a hard time as a society understanding mental illness? This is a blanket statement. I think quite a few of you have a pretty good understanding. I don't know if I have mentioned this already, but before I got my anxiety disorder; I was the guy snickering at the grubby guy walking down the street talking to himself. I was the guy who thought that there was some humor in being schizophrenic. I sure don't anymore.
Why did I find this funny? Because I didn't understand it. At all. I think that it will be a long time coming before we as a society finally understand the nuances behind mental illnesses. I think that we are making our way there but that we have a long way to go before achieving utopia. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading this, supporting me and sending me encouraging comments. I thank you all for "understanding" me and what I go through on a daily basis. Just remember one thing, I'm just a regular, average joe.
I trust that you are all doing well this evening. So I was talking to a friend today who is Bi-Polar. She has started to write a book that she says she wants to write so that people can understand what is going on up in her head. She forwarded me a sampling of the book, actually all that she had written. After viewing last night, I had told her today that I read it. Of course, she wanted my opinion on it and I told her. I told her that if she was writing for a guy like me who deals with a mental illness or someone who knows all about mental illness via a family member, then her book would make total sense and not come off schizophrenic or crazy. But that if she was writing that same book for the average joe, I think that they might think that it was crazy and not continue reading it.
After telling her that, I basically told her that she would need to "dumb" it down for the average joe to get it. Of course, she is like me and just wants to tell her story in her own way so that you, the average joe or joanne as it were, can understand what she or I or anyone with a mental illness goes through. And I guess that this is the point of tonights blog. Most or all of you reading this are VERY supportive to me and my family. I have had no negative comments on this and everyone is applauding me in my bravery and courage for writing this blog. While I fully appreciate all and every positive comment made to me, I too am just an "average joe". I too have relationships, children, money problems, stress and grey hairs. I too can catch a cold, have nausea, sore muscles and get the odd zit.(I thought those were supposed to go away after the teenage years.?.?)
So what makes you different from me? Besides the fact that I am incredibly good looking? lol. Seriously? Nothing. Oh, nothing besides the white noise that goes on in my brain. Nothing besides the fear of losing control and allowing my anxiety to take over. Nothing besides freaking out when I can't seem to get a nice deep breathe going. Otherwise, I am just like you. Why do have such a hard time as a society understanding mental illness? This is a blanket statement. I think quite a few of you have a pretty good understanding. I don't know if I have mentioned this already, but before I got my anxiety disorder; I was the guy snickering at the grubby guy walking down the street talking to himself. I was the guy who thought that there was some humor in being schizophrenic. I sure don't anymore.
Why did I find this funny? Because I didn't understand it. At all. I think that it will be a long time coming before we as a society finally understand the nuances behind mental illnesses. I think that we are making our way there but that we have a long way to go before achieving utopia. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading this, supporting me and sending me encouraging comments. I thank you all for "understanding" me and what I go through on a daily basis. Just remember one thing, I'm just a regular, average joe.
Friday 10 February 2012
Feb.10/12
Evening All,
Sorry for the late post tonight, busy doing some painting here in the house and got carried away with the time. So we had some interesting news come our way late this afternoon and into the early evening. I have gotten a basic offer to change my roles in the company that I work for and move into an office job. Me? Working in an office? Hahahaha...that's pretty funny. Well, not really. I am less than a year from turning 40; my body has gotten pretty beat up over the years and I am pretty much sore everyday from work. Do I want to keep putting in these kinds of days, hours, months or years? Not really. I really enjoy my job. The physical aspect of it is very gratifying. Where do I go from here?
Well, for starters; I don't have the job yet. It has been put on the table and presented to me. I am going down to Calgary early this week coming up to find out more. Krystle and I sat down this evening and talked things through and over about where we would go from here if the job was 100% offered to me and I decided to take it. Obviously our lives would change somewhat as would our kids' lives. We would be moving, me starting a new facet of work, new schools for the kids, new dance classes etc, etc. The funny thing is, I don't really have any anxiety or trepidation over these things if they were to happen. But this is besides the point I would like to make tonight. I don't want to talk about the future, I want to talk about the past.
I believe in God and I am a Christian as I stated earlier. It doesn't matter what or who you believe in to me to understand this point. We all walk a path in this life that we cannot see 99% of the time. We never know how one decision will affect the next until afterwards. The old saying, "Hindsight is 20/20" is very true. Heck, Krystle and I have made many decisions in our life together that afterwards, we wish we could back and change that one, but we all know that we cannot. Should we have gone left instead of right? Should we have not moved there? Should we have put our kids in a different school? Whatever it may be, it cannot be changed, right? We all agree on that.
So what IS your point Shawn? This. Last year at this time, my life, our life, my kids lives were in the crapper. I prayed, I cried, I begged for something to change. I would have done anything to not have gone through that year. But, I cannot go back and change it. Things were so crappy and upside down. We are still catching up and are almost back on track in the financial department because of last year. Then in September, we started to see some positives coming. October, November, December and January just kept getting better and better for us, for me. Now we are in February and this has come up. Wow!! What a year! Okay, Shawn I get all that, but I am still not seeing your point!?!?
No matter how crappy life gets, with or without a mental disease, you need to keep fighting. Push forward, strive for change. I told you about my song. "Fallin rain outside my window, but all in all I know; its gettin better everyday". Could I see last year at this time that things would be here? No. What about in March when I was fired because of my illness? No. How about even in August when I was coming around and things were getting better? No. It is not until later on that you can look back at the path that you walked with or without a belief in a "God" that you can clearly see the steps that you took. You cannot see "the forest through the trees" but when you are flying overtop of it, you sure can. Don't quit, don't give up.
When you feel that life has gotten you down for the last time; pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Get back up on that horse and get ready for another 8 seconds. Things will change. Sometimes for the good and other times for the bad. But you must have the will to succeed. Or in my case, to not let my anxiety disorder run my life.
"This is my life and this is my brain. I am in control here and I WILL beat you" - Shawn Metcalfe
Sorry for the late post tonight, busy doing some painting here in the house and got carried away with the time. So we had some interesting news come our way late this afternoon and into the early evening. I have gotten a basic offer to change my roles in the company that I work for and move into an office job. Me? Working in an office? Hahahaha...that's pretty funny. Well, not really. I am less than a year from turning 40; my body has gotten pretty beat up over the years and I am pretty much sore everyday from work. Do I want to keep putting in these kinds of days, hours, months or years? Not really. I really enjoy my job. The physical aspect of it is very gratifying. Where do I go from here?
Well, for starters; I don't have the job yet. It has been put on the table and presented to me. I am going down to Calgary early this week coming up to find out more. Krystle and I sat down this evening and talked things through and over about where we would go from here if the job was 100% offered to me and I decided to take it. Obviously our lives would change somewhat as would our kids' lives. We would be moving, me starting a new facet of work, new schools for the kids, new dance classes etc, etc. The funny thing is, I don't really have any anxiety or trepidation over these things if they were to happen. But this is besides the point I would like to make tonight. I don't want to talk about the future, I want to talk about the past.
I believe in God and I am a Christian as I stated earlier. It doesn't matter what or who you believe in to me to understand this point. We all walk a path in this life that we cannot see 99% of the time. We never know how one decision will affect the next until afterwards. The old saying, "Hindsight is 20/20" is very true. Heck, Krystle and I have made many decisions in our life together that afterwards, we wish we could back and change that one, but we all know that we cannot. Should we have gone left instead of right? Should we have not moved there? Should we have put our kids in a different school? Whatever it may be, it cannot be changed, right? We all agree on that.
So what IS your point Shawn? This. Last year at this time, my life, our life, my kids lives were in the crapper. I prayed, I cried, I begged for something to change. I would have done anything to not have gone through that year. But, I cannot go back and change it. Things were so crappy and upside down. We are still catching up and are almost back on track in the financial department because of last year. Then in September, we started to see some positives coming. October, November, December and January just kept getting better and better for us, for me. Now we are in February and this has come up. Wow!! What a year! Okay, Shawn I get all that, but I am still not seeing your point!?!?
No matter how crappy life gets, with or without a mental disease, you need to keep fighting. Push forward, strive for change. I told you about my song. "Fallin rain outside my window, but all in all I know; its gettin better everyday". Could I see last year at this time that things would be here? No. What about in March when I was fired because of my illness? No. How about even in August when I was coming around and things were getting better? No. It is not until later on that you can look back at the path that you walked with or without a belief in a "God" that you can clearly see the steps that you took. You cannot see "the forest through the trees" but when you are flying overtop of it, you sure can. Don't quit, don't give up.
When you feel that life has gotten you down for the last time; pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Get back up on that horse and get ready for another 8 seconds. Things will change. Sometimes for the good and other times for the bad. But you must have the will to succeed. Or in my case, to not let my anxiety disorder run my life.
"This is my life and this is my brain. I am in control here and I WILL beat you" - Shawn Metcalfe
Thursday 9 February 2012
Feb.9/12
Good Evening to All,
I'm reading through last nights blog tonight and man, is it ever embarassing to see how the mistakes that a person makes. Maybe not embarassing, but I really pride myself on correct spelling and using the correct word in the wright way. lol I hope you all got that. Anyways, I got an email message via Facebook last night from an old friend who was expressing that she enjoyed reading my blog. She too has or is going through a few things in the last little while. In replying back to her last night, I mentioned for her to use baby steps everyday to overcome things. So, I figured that would segway me into this evening's post. Does everyone remember the movie "What About Bob?"?? If you don't know the movie or have never seen it (stop reading this instant and go and watch it! Classic Movie!!), I reccomend it to all.
In the movie, Bob (played by Bill Murray) gets told by his psychiatrist to take life and his illness by using baby steps. Bob does so many times. It becomes his mantra. It has also become mine in many instances. When I was first diagnosed with the Anxiety Disorder and in one of my first counselling sessions, the movie "What About Bob?" came into my head and I remembered the whole baby steps things. I decided that even though it was from a movie and even though it is completely and utterly a fictional work; those words actually hold a lot of merit in dealing with any sort of mental illness. Everyday we need to feel like we have accomplished something. But accomplishing something small is also very important. It might seem really insignificant to others, but it could be a huge breakthrough for you.
Of course, this all has to do with regular life as well. I think that too many times we try to accomplish to much in one day or one week or even a month. So lets use me for an example. I have an anxiety disorder and it is brand new. I am going to counselling sessions and I have figured out what is wrong or what is affecting me. That counsellor is going to ask me what can I do to feel like I am winning this battle. Well, I can talk to friends or family members; I can read some books on anxiety to better understand it and what I am going through; I can start to build up my toolbox etc, etc. Obviously I am not going to accomplish all of this in one day or week. You must break it up. As Bob did in the movie, this is how I have beaten some things.
In the movie, Bob takes his baby steps by first getting out of bed. Then, he gets dressed. Wow, what a great job Bob! Next, he feels that if he can get to the door, he should be able to get out of the door. Once that is done, he tries going down the hall. He gets down the hall, now he must battle the stairs. Finally reaching the outdoors of the world, he stands in front of the bus for many a minute trying to talk himself onto the bus. After getting on the bus, it just starts to build from there. Do you see how this is done or could be done? I never tried to beat my anxiety or win on the first day. Heck, look back to last year and how I told you that it went for me. Using the drive thru thing I described a few blogs earlier, I couldn't go through one at all. Eventually, I decided that if Krystle was there with me, then I could do it. It was not easy and I am not in any way suggesting that it will be for you.
But once I made it through that drive thru (albeit, sweating like a pig and VERY unhappy), I wanted to do it again and again. It took me a while, but eventually I was able to go through that drive thru without Krystle being there with me. If this is where you are at and you can accomplish something like this, be damn proud of your success!!! I was. I would call Krystle, my Mom, my sister, my friends and anyone who knew about my anxiety. "Guess what I just did?" "I just went through the drive thru all by myself!!!" If you can take baby steps with your mental illness or even in regular life and see your accomplishments, it will go a long way to helping you overcome or least battle your illness on a day to day basis.
I'm reading through last nights blog tonight and man, is it ever embarassing to see how the mistakes that a person makes. Maybe not embarassing, but I really pride myself on correct spelling and using the correct word in the wright way. lol I hope you all got that. Anyways, I got an email message via Facebook last night from an old friend who was expressing that she enjoyed reading my blog. She too has or is going through a few things in the last little while. In replying back to her last night, I mentioned for her to use baby steps everyday to overcome things. So, I figured that would segway me into this evening's post. Does everyone remember the movie "What About Bob?"?? If you don't know the movie or have never seen it (stop reading this instant and go and watch it! Classic Movie!!), I reccomend it to all.
In the movie, Bob (played by Bill Murray) gets told by his psychiatrist to take life and his illness by using baby steps. Bob does so many times. It becomes his mantra. It has also become mine in many instances. When I was first diagnosed with the Anxiety Disorder and in one of my first counselling sessions, the movie "What About Bob?" came into my head and I remembered the whole baby steps things. I decided that even though it was from a movie and even though it is completely and utterly a fictional work; those words actually hold a lot of merit in dealing with any sort of mental illness. Everyday we need to feel like we have accomplished something. But accomplishing something small is also very important. It might seem really insignificant to others, but it could be a huge breakthrough for you.
Of course, this all has to do with regular life as well. I think that too many times we try to accomplish to much in one day or one week or even a month. So lets use me for an example. I have an anxiety disorder and it is brand new. I am going to counselling sessions and I have figured out what is wrong or what is affecting me. That counsellor is going to ask me what can I do to feel like I am winning this battle. Well, I can talk to friends or family members; I can read some books on anxiety to better understand it and what I am going through; I can start to build up my toolbox etc, etc. Obviously I am not going to accomplish all of this in one day or week. You must break it up. As Bob did in the movie, this is how I have beaten some things.
In the movie, Bob takes his baby steps by first getting out of bed. Then, he gets dressed. Wow, what a great job Bob! Next, he feels that if he can get to the door, he should be able to get out of the door. Once that is done, he tries going down the hall. He gets down the hall, now he must battle the stairs. Finally reaching the outdoors of the world, he stands in front of the bus for many a minute trying to talk himself onto the bus. After getting on the bus, it just starts to build from there. Do you see how this is done or could be done? I never tried to beat my anxiety or win on the first day. Heck, look back to last year and how I told you that it went for me. Using the drive thru thing I described a few blogs earlier, I couldn't go through one at all. Eventually, I decided that if Krystle was there with me, then I could do it. It was not easy and I am not in any way suggesting that it will be for you.
But once I made it through that drive thru (albeit, sweating like a pig and VERY unhappy), I wanted to do it again and again. It took me a while, but eventually I was able to go through that drive thru without Krystle being there with me. If this is where you are at and you can accomplish something like this, be damn proud of your success!!! I was. I would call Krystle, my Mom, my sister, my friends and anyone who knew about my anxiety. "Guess what I just did?" "I just went through the drive thru all by myself!!!" If you can take baby steps with your mental illness or even in regular life and see your accomplishments, it will go a long way to helping you overcome or least battle your illness on a day to day basis.
Wednesday 8 February 2012
Feb.8/12
Greetings Everyone,
So are we all this evening? Hey, a very big thank you all of you who are reading my blog and also to those of you that have commented on it here or at Facebook. Also thanks to those of you who 'like" my link at Facebook. I know that to assume makes an "ass out of u and me", but I am going to assume you are also reading my blog. So, thank you all for your support. It has been very encouraging to me and I really appreciate it. Okay, enough of the slobber talk...lets get down to business. I wanted to let you all in on a trick that I do to help alleviate my anxious thoughts or feelings. I call it "Rubber Band'.
I don't remember where I picked this trick up last year (remember that my brain is mushy and quite forgetful), but it I found that it really helps. Lets just say that I read it somewhere. So the idea is to where a bigger rubber band around your wrist. I wear it on my right wrist, watch on the left. Whenever I start to feel as though anxious thoughts are brewing or I feel a small anxiety attack coming on, I start to snap that mofo onto the inside part of my wrist. Snap that thing hard!!! It has really helped me out a lot. And I truly mean that. The pain that it causes in that tender skin area is pretty darn intense! I had gotten a burn right near there on my wrist/forearm around the beginning of December.
One day I am driving out to this rig that I don't like to go to and I start to feel anxious. I can feel my heartbeat picking up and my mind is starting to wander. I can feel that if I let this go and do not reign this in immediately, anxiety attack. So I decide to snap that elastic band. I pull back on that thing pretty far and SNAP!!! My anxiety was instantly gone, as was the small scab that had started to build up on that burn! lol. The point is, snapping the rubber band on your wrist a few times changes your thinking quite quickly. It forces your mind to stop focusing on the anxiety and to focus on the intense pain that your wrist has received. That is one of my favority anti-anxiety tools that I have, if not my favorite one. Another one that I like to do is with a cold cloth.
Now we all know that we can get a significant amount of heat build up in our armpits or in our groins. A lot of times when I get an anxiety attack, I know that it is coming because my feet, my groin area and my armpits turn up to about 600 F. I think that I was mentioning earlier in the blog that I used some snow in Ponoka down my pants, on my forehead etc. Well, the cold cloth should be PRETTY obvious then eh? Okay, if it isn't I will explain it. Lol...just being a smart alec. Seriously though, I have kept a cloth in my freezer that I have also used from time to time to help cool me down. I have not understood why ones temperature goes up so rapidly with the anxiety attacks, but it does. I obviously need to bring it down immediately to help aid in calming down.
Put the frozen cloth on your forehead, in your armpits or right between the legs near the delicates.This will really help you out immensely. Well, I'm taking to much of your time up this evening; I have written a lot over the last few weeks and I thought tonight I would make it a bit shorter for you all. Have a good evening and take care of yourselves and your families!
So are we all this evening? Hey, a very big thank you all of you who are reading my blog and also to those of you that have commented on it here or at Facebook. Also thanks to those of you who 'like" my link at Facebook. I know that to assume makes an "ass out of u and me", but I am going to assume you are also reading my blog. So, thank you all for your support. It has been very encouraging to me and I really appreciate it. Okay, enough of the slobber talk...lets get down to business. I wanted to let you all in on a trick that I do to help alleviate my anxious thoughts or feelings. I call it "Rubber Band'.
I don't remember where I picked this trick up last year (remember that my brain is mushy and quite forgetful), but it I found that it really helps. Lets just say that I read it somewhere. So the idea is to where a bigger rubber band around your wrist. I wear it on my right wrist, watch on the left. Whenever I start to feel as though anxious thoughts are brewing or I feel a small anxiety attack coming on, I start to snap that mofo onto the inside part of my wrist. Snap that thing hard!!! It has really helped me out a lot. And I truly mean that. The pain that it causes in that tender skin area is pretty darn intense! I had gotten a burn right near there on my wrist/forearm around the beginning of December.
One day I am driving out to this rig that I don't like to go to and I start to feel anxious. I can feel my heartbeat picking up and my mind is starting to wander. I can feel that if I let this go and do not reign this in immediately, anxiety attack. So I decide to snap that elastic band. I pull back on that thing pretty far and SNAP!!! My anxiety was instantly gone, as was the small scab that had started to build up on that burn! lol. The point is, snapping the rubber band on your wrist a few times changes your thinking quite quickly. It forces your mind to stop focusing on the anxiety and to focus on the intense pain that your wrist has received. That is one of my favority anti-anxiety tools that I have, if not my favorite one. Another one that I like to do is with a cold cloth.
Now we all know that we can get a significant amount of heat build up in our armpits or in our groins. A lot of times when I get an anxiety attack, I know that it is coming because my feet, my groin area and my armpits turn up to about 600 F. I think that I was mentioning earlier in the blog that I used some snow in Ponoka down my pants, on my forehead etc. Well, the cold cloth should be PRETTY obvious then eh? Okay, if it isn't I will explain it. Lol...just being a smart alec. Seriously though, I have kept a cloth in my freezer that I have also used from time to time to help cool me down. I have not understood why ones temperature goes up so rapidly with the anxiety attacks, but it does. I obviously need to bring it down immediately to help aid in calming down.
Put the frozen cloth on your forehead, in your armpits or right between the legs near the delicates.This will really help you out immensely. Well, I'm taking to much of your time up this evening; I have written a lot over the last few weeks and I thought tonight I would make it a bit shorter for you all. Have a good evening and take care of yourselves and your families!
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Feb.7/12
Greetings All,
How is everyone this evening? I don't know where you are this evening, but it sure is cool here today in Red Deer. That wind was blowing at a decent rate and freezing my cherries off!! I was pondering what to write about tonight and I decided to just let it flow. So...Last night I was talking about how important of an influence Rick Rypien was to me in the last 6-8 months. When I look back on people in my life who were of help to me during the last 6+ years, a few friends really come to mind. Of course, Krystle was and has always been there for me. But there are 3 other people who are really important to me and who have helped me out through all of this. I think that is one of the most important things to have when dealing with a mental illness and that is, having a good support group or set of friends. These three guys have been there for me since the beginning of all this. All three of them offer me different points of view, different thoughts or suggestions and different belief patterns.
All three of them have been my friend for a long time now and I have a different relationship with each of them. I think that the common thread between all three of them is our sense or senses of humor. The jokes that I share with one can easily be shared with another and another. My friend Doug, is like my brother. He and I grew up together but apart. He is from Prince Albert so we were 90kms away from each other. He has always been there for me when dealing with the bad days. Now granted, he has a wife and a brand new baby, so he is run pretty thin. And he doesn't always get to take my call as he has to work also. But, he has always propped me up and has done his best to nudge me in the right direction.
Gerry is the friend who I have known the least amount of time, but he is also a really important part in my life and has also been there since the beginning. Gerry calls me a lot of the times to see how I am doing. Especially last year when everything was in the crapper, Gerry always takes the time to see how I/we are doing. Of course, Gerry lives in BC on the island, so needless to say, we haven't gotten to have any time together. But I always look forward to our talks and his advice that he may or may not have for me. Oh yah, I am the Skipper because I am really skinny and he is Gilligan because he is roly-poly. Or is it the other way around? I cannot remember. lol.
My other friend has known me for a really long time also. His name is Arlen. I think that in some ways, my conversations with Arlen are really special to me because he has been in the same boat as me. Its not my place to tell you all about Arlen and what he deals with, but he definitely knows where I am coming from. We get to share "war stories" on things we have done to combat what ails us. Of course as I stated a few paragraphs ago, each one brings something special to the table for me. One is not more important than the other. They are all great in their own ways and I appreciate that. I also have a few other friends who are important to me and let me whine and moan about my sickness. My friend Pat is an old co-worker who knows all about what I have or am going through. Pat always lends an ear to me and encourages me to do my best. He has also commended me on my blog. My friend Brian is another old co-worker who is also there for me. Again, not my place to say what Brian goes through, but he too has a very good grasp on what goes on for me.
I think that the point of tonight's blog is; whether or not you suffer from a mental illness, it is very important to have a core group of friends that you can lean on at different times in your life. We all need friends and family. If it is a family member that is your friend, great. As long as you have a least one good friend. I mean, the more the merrier, but one will do. As the song says; "Lean on me, when you're not strong. And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on..."
How is everyone this evening? I don't know where you are this evening, but it sure is cool here today in Red Deer. That wind was blowing at a decent rate and freezing my cherries off!! I was pondering what to write about tonight and I decided to just let it flow. So...Last night I was talking about how important of an influence Rick Rypien was to me in the last 6-8 months. When I look back on people in my life who were of help to me during the last 6+ years, a few friends really come to mind. Of course, Krystle was and has always been there for me. But there are 3 other people who are really important to me and who have helped me out through all of this. I think that is one of the most important things to have when dealing with a mental illness and that is, having a good support group or set of friends. These three guys have been there for me since the beginning of all this. All three of them offer me different points of view, different thoughts or suggestions and different belief patterns.
All three of them have been my friend for a long time now and I have a different relationship with each of them. I think that the common thread between all three of them is our sense or senses of humor. The jokes that I share with one can easily be shared with another and another. My friend Doug, is like my brother. He and I grew up together but apart. He is from Prince Albert so we were 90kms away from each other. He has always been there for me when dealing with the bad days. Now granted, he has a wife and a brand new baby, so he is run pretty thin. And he doesn't always get to take my call as he has to work also. But, he has always propped me up and has done his best to nudge me in the right direction.
Gerry is the friend who I have known the least amount of time, but he is also a really important part in my life and has also been there since the beginning. Gerry calls me a lot of the times to see how I am doing. Especially last year when everything was in the crapper, Gerry always takes the time to see how I/we are doing. Of course, Gerry lives in BC on the island, so needless to say, we haven't gotten to have any time together. But I always look forward to our talks and his advice that he may or may not have for me. Oh yah, I am the Skipper because I am really skinny and he is Gilligan because he is roly-poly. Or is it the other way around? I cannot remember. lol.
My other friend has known me for a really long time also. His name is Arlen. I think that in some ways, my conversations with Arlen are really special to me because he has been in the same boat as me. Its not my place to tell you all about Arlen and what he deals with, but he definitely knows where I am coming from. We get to share "war stories" on things we have done to combat what ails us. Of course as I stated a few paragraphs ago, each one brings something special to the table for me. One is not more important than the other. They are all great in their own ways and I appreciate that. I also have a few other friends who are important to me and let me whine and moan about my sickness. My friend Pat is an old co-worker who knows all about what I have or am going through. Pat always lends an ear to me and encourages me to do my best. He has also commended me on my blog. My friend Brian is another old co-worker who is also there for me. Again, not my place to say what Brian goes through, but he too has a very good grasp on what goes on for me.
I think that the point of tonight's blog is; whether or not you suffer from a mental illness, it is very important to have a core group of friends that you can lean on at different times in your life. We all need friends and family. If it is a family member that is your friend, great. As long as you have a least one good friend. I mean, the more the merrier, but one will do. As the song says; "Lean on me, when you're not strong. And I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on..."
Monday 6 February 2012
Feb.6/12
Hello Again,
How is everyone doing this evening? Good I hope. So I ended yesterday by finishing the basics behind my story and how we got to today, Feb.6/12. I must say that it felt really good to tell you all my story and to not feel ashamed that I have an anxiety disorder. Well, ashamed isn't the right word, maybe just stop hiding the facts. As I said at the very beginning of this blog on my first day, I was really glad that a few NHLers passed away this last summer because of their mental illnesses. For those of you who don't know me really well, I love cheering for the Vancouver Canucks. I live and breathe that team. We all have a team that we cheer for and we all have certain players that we cheer for or really like. One of the guys that I REALLY liked, that I really cheered for was Rick Rypien. He wasn't a big man, but he didn't back down from a fight. He took on some of the biggest guys in the NHL and won many times over. If he didn't win, you at least knew that he was there.
I always wanted to see him play, I wanted to see him succeed. I didn't know him from a hole in the ground and he didn't know me. The only we have or had in common was having a mental illness. Unfortunately, he was one of the NHLers that passed away last summer. He took his own life. It saddened me a great deal. I knew of his struggles with depression. How did I know this? He wasn't afraid to open up and share that he suffered from depression. He was an NHL star and he had no problems 'coming out of the closet'. He didn't really care a whole lot who knew and who didn't. All the while that he was alive, I thought that it was really great that he did what he did. During that time, another athlete came out and told some of her story. That athlete was Clara Hughes, a Canadian speedskater. I also thought it was great that she was bringing recognition to mental illness.
After Rypien passed away last summer, it really struck a chord with me and made me think. Here was a guy who was in the spotlight for the right reasons and sometimes for the wrong. But he was out there. I decided that I needed to be out there also. I decided to not give a damn who knew that I had a mental illness, whether they were old classmates, old friends, my family, my co-workers or my bosses. Of course, it did take me a little bit of time to gather up the courage to do this. To all of those just mentioned in the previous sentence, I don't mean any disrespect to you all. I just mean that if you are reading this right now and you think that I am weak, a loser, a fraud, a chicken...whatever it may be?? I just don't give a crap anymore what anyone thinks of me or anyone else having a mental issue. We all suffer from something. Some people get cancer, some fight cold sores, some get athlete's foot, some get diabetes...no one is immune.
That was the whole point of this blog. I don't care anymore what anyone thinks of all of this. I am not afraid of what anyone thinks anymore. I was for the longest time. I hid my illness from friends, family, my employers and my co-workers. Don't get me wrong, I am not wearing a sign around my neck exclaiming that I have a mental illness, although I think that might be kind of funny! I am not a saint or a super hero. I am just a regular guy with a great wife, loving kids and family trying to get ahead in this world just like you. I just wanted to do this and bring more light to mental illnesses. I just want to be like Rick Rypien and not back down from a fight, this fight.
How is everyone doing this evening? Good I hope. So I ended yesterday by finishing the basics behind my story and how we got to today, Feb.6/12. I must say that it felt really good to tell you all my story and to not feel ashamed that I have an anxiety disorder. Well, ashamed isn't the right word, maybe just stop hiding the facts. As I said at the very beginning of this blog on my first day, I was really glad that a few NHLers passed away this last summer because of their mental illnesses. For those of you who don't know me really well, I love cheering for the Vancouver Canucks. I live and breathe that team. We all have a team that we cheer for and we all have certain players that we cheer for or really like. One of the guys that I REALLY liked, that I really cheered for was Rick Rypien. He wasn't a big man, but he didn't back down from a fight. He took on some of the biggest guys in the NHL and won many times over. If he didn't win, you at least knew that he was there.
I always wanted to see him play, I wanted to see him succeed. I didn't know him from a hole in the ground and he didn't know me. The only we have or had in common was having a mental illness. Unfortunately, he was one of the NHLers that passed away last summer. He took his own life. It saddened me a great deal. I knew of his struggles with depression. How did I know this? He wasn't afraid to open up and share that he suffered from depression. He was an NHL star and he had no problems 'coming out of the closet'. He didn't really care a whole lot who knew and who didn't. All the while that he was alive, I thought that it was really great that he did what he did. During that time, another athlete came out and told some of her story. That athlete was Clara Hughes, a Canadian speedskater. I also thought it was great that she was bringing recognition to mental illness.
After Rypien passed away last summer, it really struck a chord with me and made me think. Here was a guy who was in the spotlight for the right reasons and sometimes for the wrong. But he was out there. I decided that I needed to be out there also. I decided to not give a damn who knew that I had a mental illness, whether they were old classmates, old friends, my family, my co-workers or my bosses. Of course, it did take me a little bit of time to gather up the courage to do this. To all of those just mentioned in the previous sentence, I don't mean any disrespect to you all. I just mean that if you are reading this right now and you think that I am weak, a loser, a fraud, a chicken...whatever it may be?? I just don't give a crap anymore what anyone thinks of me or anyone else having a mental issue. We all suffer from something. Some people get cancer, some fight cold sores, some get athlete's foot, some get diabetes...no one is immune.
That was the whole point of this blog. I don't care anymore what anyone thinks of all of this. I am not afraid of what anyone thinks anymore. I was for the longest time. I hid my illness from friends, family, my employers and my co-workers. Don't get me wrong, I am not wearing a sign around my neck exclaiming that I have a mental illness, although I think that might be kind of funny! I am not a saint or a super hero. I am just a regular guy with a great wife, loving kids and family trying to get ahead in this world just like you. I just wanted to do this and bring more light to mental illnesses. I just want to be like Rick Rypien and not back down from a fight, this fight.
Sunday 5 February 2012
Feb.5/12
Hello to All,
Did you watch the Super Bowl? What a great game and great win by the Giants. Congrats Giant fans! So my Dad got home right around the beginning of September and I was staying at their house for the week while I was down in Calgary on MWD. My foot hurt pretty bad and I was on crutches for about 2 weeks or so. I got back to Mom and Dad's around 4pm on a weekday(don't remember the exact day), came into the house and Dad gave me a number to phone. He asked me if I had heard of a certain centrifuge company and was I interested in running centrifuges. For those of you who don't know, a dryer is essentially a centrifuge. Clothes stay in the middle, water goes to the outside. A centrifuge takes in drilling mud and pushes all solids out to the sides while sending back "cleaner" mud. Yes, I had heard of these guys and I was supposed to give them a call. I was supposed to call the president as he was a friend of a friend of my Dad's. Hey, its not what you know, its who you know.
I called them up and the rest is history as far as working for them. They are who I work for now and plan on retiring with. But back to the anxiety. I got hired on with them and started my training on October 17th. I just finished modified work duty around the 10th or 11th and then went down to Calgary to start out. Everything did not start out rosy for me there but nothing to do with them. I went down to Calgary on a Sunday and was really anxious about going down there and staying in a hotel. As I have stated earlier, I have not gotten to 100% until just recently, so I was pretty sketchy going down there. I ended up calling the HR girl and asking if I could stay at my parents house. That was all good and that was where I stayed. I think that that really helped me out in my recovery or recovering.
After 10 days of training, I was released to head to the field and do some hands on training in Edson. I drove to Edson without a hitch. I rode up in the elevator to my room without a hitch AND I stayed in that hotel without a hitch. I was definitely still anxious and battled through a few times, but I was starting to see the light was getting brighter. There is a song that I have listened to for years by one of my favorite bands of all time and the words to that song really "inspire" me. I don't know if inspire is the right word, but they help me out regardless. The song is called "Gettin Better" by Tesla. It goes like this: "Falling rain, outside my window; but all in all I know, it's Getting Better everyday." "Soon the sun will shine, outside my window; when it's gonna come, you know I really couldn't say." "But I know...it's getting better everyday."
When is all of this going to get better? You know? I really couldn't say, but I know its gettin better everyday. When is all of this going to end? You know, I really couldn't say. BUT I KNOW its gettin better everyday. These words resonant with me so much and for so much of the time. I must be honest and say that I don't think of these words when the anxiety has overwhelmed me or my day is crap. But when I do think of them, they really strike a chord. No pun intended!! Anyways...I got through my training in Edson and came home for a few days. I started out on my own shortly after that. I worked from around the 8th of November straight through to the 27th of December with no days off. After my days off, I went back to work on January 4th and will not have any days off until break-up(mid March). Life has not been rosy and peachy keen for me everyday. I have battled through my anxiety once or twice a week on average since I have been on my own. Mostly they are minor battles and I have made it through each one. I have been attending my counselling group whenever I can.
I have been reading my Bible and praying; I have been re-organizing my toolbox by adding or deleting "old files". hehehe. I have not had one good day; I have had many. I have worked through so much with so much support and know that things are getting better and back on track for me. I have led you all to this point so that those of you who did not know I suffered from anxiety would understand my back story and would understand that I am just a regular guy who goes through the same crap everyone else does. From here on in, I am going to keep blogging and I hope and pray that you will all stay with me and continue reading my daily thoughts. But, that is what I will be putting down on paper from now on. Daily thoughts, how I accomplished something or got through something etc. My hope is that for those of you who do not wish to talk about your anxiety or depression or being bi-polar will find something here that can help you out.
I want to be a beacon for mental health. I want to help others as I have been helped. I want to lead others to "safety" and to a happy place. I want to be there for you. I thank you all so much for reading my blog and supporting me by reading it or even acknowledging it. I hope that I can continue to entertain you all with some helpful advice or a great story. After all, I believe that I am on this earth to help others and make people laugh. Please keep reading...have a good night.
Did you watch the Super Bowl? What a great game and great win by the Giants. Congrats Giant fans! So my Dad got home right around the beginning of September and I was staying at their house for the week while I was down in Calgary on MWD. My foot hurt pretty bad and I was on crutches for about 2 weeks or so. I got back to Mom and Dad's around 4pm on a weekday(don't remember the exact day), came into the house and Dad gave me a number to phone. He asked me if I had heard of a certain centrifuge company and was I interested in running centrifuges. For those of you who don't know, a dryer is essentially a centrifuge. Clothes stay in the middle, water goes to the outside. A centrifuge takes in drilling mud and pushes all solids out to the sides while sending back "cleaner" mud. Yes, I had heard of these guys and I was supposed to give them a call. I was supposed to call the president as he was a friend of a friend of my Dad's. Hey, its not what you know, its who you know.
I called them up and the rest is history as far as working for them. They are who I work for now and plan on retiring with. But back to the anxiety. I got hired on with them and started my training on October 17th. I just finished modified work duty around the 10th or 11th and then went down to Calgary to start out. Everything did not start out rosy for me there but nothing to do with them. I went down to Calgary on a Sunday and was really anxious about going down there and staying in a hotel. As I have stated earlier, I have not gotten to 100% until just recently, so I was pretty sketchy going down there. I ended up calling the HR girl and asking if I could stay at my parents house. That was all good and that was where I stayed. I think that that really helped me out in my recovery or recovering.
After 10 days of training, I was released to head to the field and do some hands on training in Edson. I drove to Edson without a hitch. I rode up in the elevator to my room without a hitch AND I stayed in that hotel without a hitch. I was definitely still anxious and battled through a few times, but I was starting to see the light was getting brighter. There is a song that I have listened to for years by one of my favorite bands of all time and the words to that song really "inspire" me. I don't know if inspire is the right word, but they help me out regardless. The song is called "Gettin Better" by Tesla. It goes like this: "Falling rain, outside my window; but all in all I know, it's Getting Better everyday." "Soon the sun will shine, outside my window; when it's gonna come, you know I really couldn't say." "But I know...it's getting better everyday."
When is all of this going to get better? You know? I really couldn't say, but I know its gettin better everyday. When is all of this going to end? You know, I really couldn't say. BUT I KNOW its gettin better everyday. These words resonant with me so much and for so much of the time. I must be honest and say that I don't think of these words when the anxiety has overwhelmed me or my day is crap. But when I do think of them, they really strike a chord. No pun intended!! Anyways...I got through my training in Edson and came home for a few days. I started out on my own shortly after that. I worked from around the 8th of November straight through to the 27th of December with no days off. After my days off, I went back to work on January 4th and will not have any days off until break-up(mid March). Life has not been rosy and peachy keen for me everyday. I have battled through my anxiety once or twice a week on average since I have been on my own. Mostly they are minor battles and I have made it through each one. I have been attending my counselling group whenever I can.
I have been reading my Bible and praying; I have been re-organizing my toolbox by adding or deleting "old files". hehehe. I have not had one good day; I have had many. I have worked through so much with so much support and know that things are getting better and back on track for me. I have led you all to this point so that those of you who did not know I suffered from anxiety would understand my back story and would understand that I am just a regular guy who goes through the same crap everyone else does. From here on in, I am going to keep blogging and I hope and pray that you will all stay with me and continue reading my daily thoughts. But, that is what I will be putting down on paper from now on. Daily thoughts, how I accomplished something or got through something etc. My hope is that for those of you who do not wish to talk about your anxiety or depression or being bi-polar will find something here that can help you out.
I want to be a beacon for mental health. I want to help others as I have been helped. I want to lead others to "safety" and to a happy place. I want to be there for you. I thank you all so much for reading my blog and supporting me by reading it or even acknowledging it. I hope that I can continue to entertain you all with some helpful advice or a great story. After all, I believe that I am on this earth to help others and make people laugh. Please keep reading...have a good night.
Saturday 4 February 2012
Feb.4/12
Hello All,
How is everyone doing this evening? I am doing well, although a little tired. We left off yesterday with me unsure of what was going to be going on for me and work. I worked for some of the summer as a sider and I also was working for a construction company. I had a few other things come up for me, but as I stated earlier, I wasn't even close to 100% and wasn't ready to be leaving town again for work. Looking back, that seemed to be my biggest obstacle where it had NEVER ever affected me before. This whole being scared of travelling anywhere alone or leaving Red Deer for work was flippity flappity stupid. Which is really easy to say; "Shawn, that's stupid that you feel that way or are feeling that way." See, I just said it and it wasn't hard at all. But to put that into motion and live by that, well, that was just a whole other thing.
I was really trying to figure my life out and what I wanted to do. I applied at a few heavy equipment places for work, but didn't get a sniff as I don't have a class 1 license. There is a program that you can take through the government to get your class 1, but you have to have a guaranteed job waiting for you when you complete the course. I didn't have that. I still really would do something like operating heavy equipment if given the chance I think, but I do really love my job now. So I don't know. But, I digress...I really felt that I wasn't going to be able to leave RD at all. I felt trapped here but also very secure. If I never left this city again for work, that was fine with me. Now the kicker; I had to find something that was good paying. With me being down so much of the year, we had to have something good that was going to pay our bills and catch us up back out of this stupid hole.
All savings and whatnot were pretty dry come August. I wasn't going to get a mud job and I had NO ideas as per what I wanted to do. I knew one thing and that was I wanted to be happy. With nothing else coming up and the Stateside work not looking promising, I was pretty much forced to go back to a rig. The real crappy thing about that was, that I was 38. This body has been beaten, surgically repaired, mentally challenged, concussed and unsure whether or not I could do it. Truth be told, I knew I could do it physically because I had to provide for my family. Mentally? I was really unsure and really scared. I hadn't done that kind of work for 8 years. Everybody and their dog was looking for rig hands, so I didn't have to wait long for a job to come along.
I got hired on and was to go out as a Derrickhand in 3 or 4 days. That afternoon (sometime around the end of August) they called me and begged me to go out as a Motorman near Caroline. Sure, I said. So, I got there for 7am on a Thursday. At 8am, I blew my ankle apart. Well, I didn't blow it apart, but I shredded up some ligaments in it pretty good. The right ankle/foot hooped me. So I went on Modified Work Duty(again, for those of you who know me well) and was down and out until the middle of October. Their office was down in Calgary, so I spent the week Monday to Friday and went home for the weekends. Thankfully, I was able to stay at my parents house for those weeks. That really helped me out mentally as well as helping us out financially too. Now, I gotta admit that I was pretty anxious that day I went out to the rig for work. I was feeling REALLY anxious actually. I phoned Krystle and talked to her all the way to the rig that morning. Then after I buggered up my foot, I was supposed to drive to town with the toolpush to go to the hospital. Yeah, that didn't happen. There would have been no way in Hades that I would have made that trip without a handfull of Ativan. So what does that tell you? That I was still not doing overly well and still needed some sort of a good change.
That change came when my Dad got home from Albania after his hitch. He was home for a few days when this families' lives changed. Thank goodness! I didn't know it yet, but things were going to get good.
How is everyone doing this evening? I am doing well, although a little tired. We left off yesterday with me unsure of what was going to be going on for me and work. I worked for some of the summer as a sider and I also was working for a construction company. I had a few other things come up for me, but as I stated earlier, I wasn't even close to 100% and wasn't ready to be leaving town again for work. Looking back, that seemed to be my biggest obstacle where it had NEVER ever affected me before. This whole being scared of travelling anywhere alone or leaving Red Deer for work was flippity flappity stupid. Which is really easy to say; "Shawn, that's stupid that you feel that way or are feeling that way." See, I just said it and it wasn't hard at all. But to put that into motion and live by that, well, that was just a whole other thing.
I was really trying to figure my life out and what I wanted to do. I applied at a few heavy equipment places for work, but didn't get a sniff as I don't have a class 1 license. There is a program that you can take through the government to get your class 1, but you have to have a guaranteed job waiting for you when you complete the course. I didn't have that. I still really would do something like operating heavy equipment if given the chance I think, but I do really love my job now. So I don't know. But, I digress...I really felt that I wasn't going to be able to leave RD at all. I felt trapped here but also very secure. If I never left this city again for work, that was fine with me. Now the kicker; I had to find something that was good paying. With me being down so much of the year, we had to have something good that was going to pay our bills and catch us up back out of this stupid hole.
All savings and whatnot were pretty dry come August. I wasn't going to get a mud job and I had NO ideas as per what I wanted to do. I knew one thing and that was I wanted to be happy. With nothing else coming up and the Stateside work not looking promising, I was pretty much forced to go back to a rig. The real crappy thing about that was, that I was 38. This body has been beaten, surgically repaired, mentally challenged, concussed and unsure whether or not I could do it. Truth be told, I knew I could do it physically because I had to provide for my family. Mentally? I was really unsure and really scared. I hadn't done that kind of work for 8 years. Everybody and their dog was looking for rig hands, so I didn't have to wait long for a job to come along.
I got hired on and was to go out as a Derrickhand in 3 or 4 days. That afternoon (sometime around the end of August) they called me and begged me to go out as a Motorman near Caroline. Sure, I said. So, I got there for 7am on a Thursday. At 8am, I blew my ankle apart. Well, I didn't blow it apart, but I shredded up some ligaments in it pretty good. The right ankle/foot hooped me. So I went on Modified Work Duty(again, for those of you who know me well) and was down and out until the middle of October. Their office was down in Calgary, so I spent the week Monday to Friday and went home for the weekends. Thankfully, I was able to stay at my parents house for those weeks. That really helped me out mentally as well as helping us out financially too. Now, I gotta admit that I was pretty anxious that day I went out to the rig for work. I was feeling REALLY anxious actually. I phoned Krystle and talked to her all the way to the rig that morning. Then after I buggered up my foot, I was supposed to drive to town with the toolpush to go to the hospital. Yeah, that didn't happen. There would have been no way in Hades that I would have made that trip without a handfull of Ativan. So what does that tell you? That I was still not doing overly well and still needed some sort of a good change.
That change came when my Dad got home from Albania after his hitch. He was home for a few days when this families' lives changed. Thank goodness! I didn't know it yet, but things were going to get good.
Friday 3 February 2012
Feb.3/12
Hello to All,
What a day I had today! Had to battle through some anxiety to get to work, but we made it through and I accomplished quite a bit. But, man am I tired from that!! Seems how I was still on probation when I was working at the company there last summer, I ended up losing my job because of another medical problem. This one though, had nothing to do with my brain. After Gabriel was born, we decided that I better get snipped. Now, neither of our kids were "accidents", but they both happened so fast and quickly that we figured one of us had better do something or we were going to be Canada's version of the Duggars. If you don't know who the Duggars are, google them. Anyways, a few years ago I was having some really bad pains in the twig and berries region. My doc checked me out and decided that there was a possibilty I had a slight twist in one of the berries. Left side to be exact.
So last year, I start to get the pains again. These pains are so bad that I am shuffling along and not even walking properly. I am vomiting a bit and in some pretty good pain. I go in for another doctor's appointment and he figures that I need a few days off to get everything back to normal. My boss is cool with this. I have 5 days off and then I am to go to work about 3 or 4 days later. The night before I am going to work, I am in terrible pain and I can barely move in our bed. The next morning I am loading up my truck, very slowly I might add; when I drop to the ground and start throwing up. The bad part of all of this is that you can get a severe twist and lose your berry. The good part? I really can't think of one...lol. Krystle takes me to the ER and they are prepping me for surgery because of this. Until the ultrasound and blood results come back, I am ready for surgery. After all results came back, I didn't need the surgery, I had a terrible infection. From what? Who knows...
I lost my job because I had to be off for another week and they couldn't have that. Which sucked and was okay also. I wasn't really happy there and my mental status hadn't improved to what it is today. Plus, all the money I was to be making really wasn't that much. I needed to have my own vehicle and almost bought a truck for the job. Thankfully my anxiety was in full tilt that day which prevented me from buying the truck. For once, I was thankful to have an anxiety disorder! So where was I mentally at this point? Well, this was around July or so (again, 2011 was quite a blur for me, memories are hit and miss sometimes) and I was still working on the toolbox, taking the new meds, going to counselling when I could and basically trying to get my head right.
I applied at a ton of places to get a mud job, but I was unable to thanks to previous employers. Now here is the part that really gets my blood boiling and upsets me. My previous employer and my first employer when all of this started for me, did not give me any sort of good reference. Instead of telling potential employers that we had a "misunderstanding" or "we didn't see eye to eye"; something along those lines, they instead told companies that I was unreliable, didn't know my stuff, was lazy, no work ethic etc. I again have proof of this and could or can show anyone who does not believe me. But I am not here to wage war. I am telling you about the positives and negatives of having a mental disease. This really hurt me deeply, almost unrecoverable for me. I just wanted to run mud and do the job that I was good at and loved. I was being denied employment, for the second time. If you have been here then you understand, if not, you cannot imagine.
Anyways, I kind of wandered around aimlessly for about 6 weeks. I had a few leads going in the states, but they were very anal about work visa's being given out to non-Americans. What was I going to do? My career in the mud business was essentially over and I had NO idea what I was going to do with my life. I just knew that we had bills to pay and food to put on our table. I started to work at a temp agency just to have something going and some money coming in. I got in real good with a company here in RD that I had been temping with. They wanted me as a full time hand, but I just couldn't see myself in construction for the rest of my life. Besides, the oilfield was in my blood...and it was calling. LOUDLY!
What a day I had today! Had to battle through some anxiety to get to work, but we made it through and I accomplished quite a bit. But, man am I tired from that!! Seems how I was still on probation when I was working at the company there last summer, I ended up losing my job because of another medical problem. This one though, had nothing to do with my brain. After Gabriel was born, we decided that I better get snipped. Now, neither of our kids were "accidents", but they both happened so fast and quickly that we figured one of us had better do something or we were going to be Canada's version of the Duggars. If you don't know who the Duggars are, google them. Anyways, a few years ago I was having some really bad pains in the twig and berries region. My doc checked me out and decided that there was a possibilty I had a slight twist in one of the berries. Left side to be exact.
So last year, I start to get the pains again. These pains are so bad that I am shuffling along and not even walking properly. I am vomiting a bit and in some pretty good pain. I go in for another doctor's appointment and he figures that I need a few days off to get everything back to normal. My boss is cool with this. I have 5 days off and then I am to go to work about 3 or 4 days later. The night before I am going to work, I am in terrible pain and I can barely move in our bed. The next morning I am loading up my truck, very slowly I might add; when I drop to the ground and start throwing up. The bad part of all of this is that you can get a severe twist and lose your berry. The good part? I really can't think of one...lol. Krystle takes me to the ER and they are prepping me for surgery because of this. Until the ultrasound and blood results come back, I am ready for surgery. After all results came back, I didn't need the surgery, I had a terrible infection. From what? Who knows...
I lost my job because I had to be off for another week and they couldn't have that. Which sucked and was okay also. I wasn't really happy there and my mental status hadn't improved to what it is today. Plus, all the money I was to be making really wasn't that much. I needed to have my own vehicle and almost bought a truck for the job. Thankfully my anxiety was in full tilt that day which prevented me from buying the truck. For once, I was thankful to have an anxiety disorder! So where was I mentally at this point? Well, this was around July or so (again, 2011 was quite a blur for me, memories are hit and miss sometimes) and I was still working on the toolbox, taking the new meds, going to counselling when I could and basically trying to get my head right.
I applied at a ton of places to get a mud job, but I was unable to thanks to previous employers. Now here is the part that really gets my blood boiling and upsets me. My previous employer and my first employer when all of this started for me, did not give me any sort of good reference. Instead of telling potential employers that we had a "misunderstanding" or "we didn't see eye to eye"; something along those lines, they instead told companies that I was unreliable, didn't know my stuff, was lazy, no work ethic etc. I again have proof of this and could or can show anyone who does not believe me. But I am not here to wage war. I am telling you about the positives and negatives of having a mental disease. This really hurt me deeply, almost unrecoverable for me. I just wanted to run mud and do the job that I was good at and loved. I was being denied employment, for the second time. If you have been here then you understand, if not, you cannot imagine.
Anyways, I kind of wandered around aimlessly for about 6 weeks. I had a few leads going in the states, but they were very anal about work visa's being given out to non-Americans. What was I going to do? My career in the mud business was essentially over and I had NO idea what I was going to do with my life. I just knew that we had bills to pay and food to put on our table. I started to work at a temp agency just to have something going and some money coming in. I got in real good with a company here in RD that I had been temping with. They wanted me as a full time hand, but I just couldn't see myself in construction for the rest of my life. Besides, the oilfield was in my blood...and it was calling. LOUDLY!
Thursday 2 February 2012
Feb.2/12
Good Evening All...
How are you all this evening, afternoon or morning? I am very good. Thank you all for reading this blog and giving me a reason to keep writing. It has been therapeutic in a way. Not that I need therapy, okay I do, but that is not why I am writing this. But it has helped me none the less. So...where were we? Oh yes, I got fired. I think that that was THE biggest slap in the face I have ever received. I really thought that they were a different company. I was really pissed off too. Really pissed!! I got cleared because I WANTED to go to work, not because I was ready to go. Obviously if I had the smallest of inklings that I was going to get fired, I wouldn't have went in. I did get a small measure of revenge out of the deal. Real small mind you. Krystle came down to Calgary with me right? So they want me to hand in the keys to the truck and ask them how am I supposed to get home? Get a ticket for the bus they say. What about my wife? Well, we didn't ask you to bring her. No, you didn't ask me to bring anything. When we went down to turn over the truck to my good boss, he suggested that we rent a car. So I got the most expensive one I could within reason and drove us home. Plus they had to pay for the vehicle to be returned to Calgary. lol
Anyways, I tried my hardest to look into suing them. Every lawyer I spoke to really didn't reccomend it. They had covered their proverbial butts of course. I talked to human rights, Red Deer Mental Health, another advocate group here in RD and no one was willing to take on a giant. I think that that is one of the reasons I chose to write about this and tell you all about it. What would have happened if I had cancer? Would I have been fired? How about if I developed Parkinson's Disease? Would I have been fired? HOW ABOUT if I developed Diabetes? What then? Why is there such a "look down the nose" at people with a mental issue? Why? Why are they/we shunned? I don't have Leprosy or Aids for pete's sake!! And even then, why should they be shunned? I tried my best to beat them, but I had been beaten again. I hate to lose!
Another part of this is a little funny here too. About 10 days before I was fired, I had a guy call me asking if I was looking for work. I had had his business card from a whole lotta years earlier and had sent him a resume the spring before of 2010. Of course, I told him that I was employed but he told me to let him know if anything changed. So around the first week of April, I called to tell him that things had changed. At the time, they weren't hiring but that they were going to bring a few guys on around the beginning of May. So I had a whole month of doing nothing but building birdhouses and getting ready for the summer. During this time, I was still doing my counselling classes, still working through my workbooks and reading my books and still trying to kill those guys that fired me. Not literally of course, but end their company. I started my new job around the 3rd or 4th of May.
One of my first days there, I was informed that I was to go down to Calgary and do some in house/computer training. I was really hoping that it was on the ground floor of some warehouse, but I knew in my heart that it was not going to be that way. Sure enough, it wasn't. When I got to the building that day, I was told that they were up on the 16th floor. My heart sank. Now, I had gotten into the habit recently of putting wash cloth's in the freezer to have for my head/armpits/groin, wherever on my body that would cool me down. Needless to say, I had a taken a cloth that day with me along with a 500ml bottle of half frozen water. I was supposed to be in my "class" at 08:00 that morning. I sat down in the lobby with a frozen cloth on my forehead, sipping half frozen water and talking to Krystle on the phone all the while sobbing a little bit. I couldn't seem to get onto the elevator. My mind was winning again. I was scared of going up, I was scared of being trapped in the elevator, I was scared of going up there and being around guys who didn't know what was wrong with me. In the end, with all the encouragement in the world from my wife and talking to here while doing it...I beat that friggin elevator!! I also beat the classroom up on the 16th floor. Of course, I didn't tell anyone that I had an anxiety disorder, I told them all that I was afraid of heights and tights spaces.
I wish that I could have told them the truth, but I just wasn't at that point in my life yet where I didn't and don't care anymore what people think of me or my "disease". I am here now, but I wasn't then. I worked through quite a bit of stuff with that elevator/classroom. I didn't conquer everything there, but I could feel that things were starting to change for me for the good. Yes, I was still learning my new toolbox and yes, I was still a lot more anxious than I ever wanted to be or even needed to be; but things were coming along. Funny how I lost that job NOT because of my mental illness, but for something else that inflicted me. And it was on the day that they were preparing me for surgery because they didn't know what was wrong.
Have a good evening and love your family.
Shawn
How are you all this evening, afternoon or morning? I am very good. Thank you all for reading this blog and giving me a reason to keep writing. It has been therapeutic in a way. Not that I need therapy, okay I do, but that is not why I am writing this. But it has helped me none the less. So...where were we? Oh yes, I got fired. I think that that was THE biggest slap in the face I have ever received. I really thought that they were a different company. I was really pissed off too. Really pissed!! I got cleared because I WANTED to go to work, not because I was ready to go. Obviously if I had the smallest of inklings that I was going to get fired, I wouldn't have went in. I did get a small measure of revenge out of the deal. Real small mind you. Krystle came down to Calgary with me right? So they want me to hand in the keys to the truck and ask them how am I supposed to get home? Get a ticket for the bus they say. What about my wife? Well, we didn't ask you to bring her. No, you didn't ask me to bring anything. When we went down to turn over the truck to my good boss, he suggested that we rent a car. So I got the most expensive one I could within reason and drove us home. Plus they had to pay for the vehicle to be returned to Calgary. lol
Anyways, I tried my hardest to look into suing them. Every lawyer I spoke to really didn't reccomend it. They had covered their proverbial butts of course. I talked to human rights, Red Deer Mental Health, another advocate group here in RD and no one was willing to take on a giant. I think that that is one of the reasons I chose to write about this and tell you all about it. What would have happened if I had cancer? Would I have been fired? How about if I developed Parkinson's Disease? Would I have been fired? HOW ABOUT if I developed Diabetes? What then? Why is there such a "look down the nose" at people with a mental issue? Why? Why are they/we shunned? I don't have Leprosy or Aids for pete's sake!! And even then, why should they be shunned? I tried my best to beat them, but I had been beaten again. I hate to lose!
Another part of this is a little funny here too. About 10 days before I was fired, I had a guy call me asking if I was looking for work. I had had his business card from a whole lotta years earlier and had sent him a resume the spring before of 2010. Of course, I told him that I was employed but he told me to let him know if anything changed. So around the first week of April, I called to tell him that things had changed. At the time, they weren't hiring but that they were going to bring a few guys on around the beginning of May. So I had a whole month of doing nothing but building birdhouses and getting ready for the summer. During this time, I was still doing my counselling classes, still working through my workbooks and reading my books and still trying to kill those guys that fired me. Not literally of course, but end their company. I started my new job around the 3rd or 4th of May.
One of my first days there, I was informed that I was to go down to Calgary and do some in house/computer training. I was really hoping that it was on the ground floor of some warehouse, but I knew in my heart that it was not going to be that way. Sure enough, it wasn't. When I got to the building that day, I was told that they were up on the 16th floor. My heart sank. Now, I had gotten into the habit recently of putting wash cloth's in the freezer to have for my head/armpits/groin, wherever on my body that would cool me down. Needless to say, I had a taken a cloth that day with me along with a 500ml bottle of half frozen water. I was supposed to be in my "class" at 08:00 that morning. I sat down in the lobby with a frozen cloth on my forehead, sipping half frozen water and talking to Krystle on the phone all the while sobbing a little bit. I couldn't seem to get onto the elevator. My mind was winning again. I was scared of going up, I was scared of being trapped in the elevator, I was scared of going up there and being around guys who didn't know what was wrong with me. In the end, with all the encouragement in the world from my wife and talking to here while doing it...I beat that friggin elevator!! I also beat the classroom up on the 16th floor. Of course, I didn't tell anyone that I had an anxiety disorder, I told them all that I was afraid of heights and tights spaces.
I wish that I could have told them the truth, but I just wasn't at that point in my life yet where I didn't and don't care anymore what people think of me or my "disease". I am here now, but I wasn't then. I worked through quite a bit of stuff with that elevator/classroom. I didn't conquer everything there, but I could feel that things were starting to change for me for the good. Yes, I was still learning my new toolbox and yes, I was still a lot more anxious than I ever wanted to be or even needed to be; but things were coming along. Funny how I lost that job NOT because of my mental illness, but for something else that inflicted me. And it was on the day that they were preparing me for surgery because they didn't know what was wrong.
Have a good evening and love your family.
Shawn
Wednesday 1 February 2012
Feb.1/12
Wow...February already...
Okay, I said Vegreville yesterday was where a poop storm was brewing for me, but it might have been Vermillion. Either way, it is a town that starts with a V. And what's the difference, one has the world's largest Ukrainian egg and the other has a college. Everybody is wanting to get there. Not. lol. Anyways, whatever town it was, the crap hit the fan for me. I stopped at the 7-11 and just sat there bawling my eyes out. I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I had taken 2 ativan to make myself relax. my mind was racing and it would not stop. I remember wishing that I could cut my head open and dig around in my brain to make it better. So my my boss suggested I check into a hotel and try to rest before continuing on my way. Of course, I had called Krystle and told her what was going on. She wasn't overly happy about it, but we didn't have much of a choice.
I checked out of the hotel later that evening around 6pm. I drove around the town for about an hour. My mind was already racing. I pulled up to the Tim Horton's and just sat in my truck. I started crying uncontrollably again. Again, I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I couldn't go to Ft.Mac. I remember him asking me 'what does it feel like, how do you feel'? I will tell you today exactly what it felt like. It felt like a strobe light going off in my head. Quick sudden thoughts flashing and flashing. Thoughts of suicide, thoughts of my family dying, thoughts of friends, thoughts of high school, thoughts of drugs, thoughts of rigs I had been on, places I had been, groups of friends I had at different times in my life and on and on and on. It literally felt like a strobe light that I could not stop to focus on ONE specific thought that was passing through my brain. I really just wanted to die that night.
So I didn't end up going to Ft.Mac. I stayed in the hotel that night and drove home to RD the next day. I believe that it was a Saturday or a Sunday, I don't remember. And I'm sorry I don't remember the exact time of the year, but it must have been somewhere around the end of February. I continued doing paperwork on my computer for my office while I was at home on medical leave. My doctor took me off of the Cipralex as she didn't think that it was working for me anymore. I started taking 50mg of Zoloft and have been on that since last year. But we are not there yet or should I say, here yet. The month of March is quite a blur to me but for one thing. I was still having problems doing things alone; going through a drive-thru without Krystle by my side; taking Beaner to school; visiting with friends or family; being out of the house at night...
Have most of you heard of the show Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel? It is one of my favorite shows. For those who don't know, it is the show about the crab fishing in Alaska. There was a captain on that show that passed away the season before, Captain Phil. I really liked his "character" even though he played himself. After he had passed away, they did a few tribute shows to him and in one of the shows they did; they showed his life and things he had done. One of the things he had done, was build birdhouses. Very intricate birdhouses. He talked about how peaceful it was to do them and how much he enjoyed them. I thought that that was pretty cool, this burly biker-crab fisherman-cursing sailor-of a man did this "pretty" little thing. And it never struck me until March of last year.
I started to build birdhouses and that was the one thing that is not or was not a blur for me. It really helped or aided in my healing. Of course, building them did not heal me or turn things around overnight; but they let me get into a zone and forget about all of my problems. It was peaceful just as Captain Phil said it was. Just before the end of March, I was starting to feel a little bit better. I was changing some of my thinking; I had threw away my old "toolbox" and bought a new one; I started to adapt with some new tools. I was reading everything I could get my hands on. If anyone is reading this and is looking for something to aid them, I will post my books I bought at the end that helped me. Anyways, using workbooks, going to counselling and trying new coping strategies helped a little bit, I was still a LONG ways away before feeling better.
I asked my doctor on a Friday if she thought that I could try to go back to work. I told her I wasn't 100% or even near it, but maybe that was something that could help me out. I was longing to be part of something again and doing something I loved to do. So she gave me the thumbs up and told me to try it out. I faxed my clearance letter in on Friday. Sunday I was to be going to Drayton Valley. That Sunday morning, the big boss sent me an email telling me to come into Calgary on the following Wednesday and to not go to Drayton. I asked him what was going on. Was I being fired? Cause if I was, let's just get it over with tomorrow(Monday). He said that we just needed to talk. I knew what was coming but I held out hope that they were different and weren't going to can me because of my mental illness. Krystle on the other hand did not hold out the hope that I did. Wednesday came and we drove down to Calgary together after leaving the kids at Krystle's brother's house. Guess what?? I got fired.
The books I used are as follows: "Telling Yourself The Truth" - William Backus and Marie Chapian
"The Anxiety Cure" - Dr. Archibald D. Hart
Both of those are found at any Christian bookstore.
"The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook' - Edmund J. Bourne 5th Edition
Found at Chapters or any book store
Okay, I said Vegreville yesterday was where a poop storm was brewing for me, but it might have been Vermillion. Either way, it is a town that starts with a V. And what's the difference, one has the world's largest Ukrainian egg and the other has a college. Everybody is wanting to get there. Not. lol. Anyways, whatever town it was, the crap hit the fan for me. I stopped at the 7-11 and just sat there bawling my eyes out. I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I had taken 2 ativan to make myself relax. my mind was racing and it would not stop. I remember wishing that I could cut my head open and dig around in my brain to make it better. So my my boss suggested I check into a hotel and try to rest before continuing on my way. Of course, I had called Krystle and told her what was going on. She wasn't overly happy about it, but we didn't have much of a choice.
I checked out of the hotel later that evening around 6pm. I drove around the town for about an hour. My mind was already racing. I pulled up to the Tim Horton's and just sat in my truck. I started crying uncontrollably again. Again, I phoned my boss and told him what was going on and that I couldn't go to Ft.Mac. I remember him asking me 'what does it feel like, how do you feel'? I will tell you today exactly what it felt like. It felt like a strobe light going off in my head. Quick sudden thoughts flashing and flashing. Thoughts of suicide, thoughts of my family dying, thoughts of friends, thoughts of high school, thoughts of drugs, thoughts of rigs I had been on, places I had been, groups of friends I had at different times in my life and on and on and on. It literally felt like a strobe light that I could not stop to focus on ONE specific thought that was passing through my brain. I really just wanted to die that night.
So I didn't end up going to Ft.Mac. I stayed in the hotel that night and drove home to RD the next day. I believe that it was a Saturday or a Sunday, I don't remember. And I'm sorry I don't remember the exact time of the year, but it must have been somewhere around the end of February. I continued doing paperwork on my computer for my office while I was at home on medical leave. My doctor took me off of the Cipralex as she didn't think that it was working for me anymore. I started taking 50mg of Zoloft and have been on that since last year. But we are not there yet or should I say, here yet. The month of March is quite a blur to me but for one thing. I was still having problems doing things alone; going through a drive-thru without Krystle by my side; taking Beaner to school; visiting with friends or family; being out of the house at night...
Have most of you heard of the show Deadliest Catch on Discovery Channel? It is one of my favorite shows. For those who don't know, it is the show about the crab fishing in Alaska. There was a captain on that show that passed away the season before, Captain Phil. I really liked his "character" even though he played himself. After he had passed away, they did a few tribute shows to him and in one of the shows they did; they showed his life and things he had done. One of the things he had done, was build birdhouses. Very intricate birdhouses. He talked about how peaceful it was to do them and how much he enjoyed them. I thought that that was pretty cool, this burly biker-crab fisherman-cursing sailor-of a man did this "pretty" little thing. And it never struck me until March of last year.
I started to build birdhouses and that was the one thing that is not or was not a blur for me. It really helped or aided in my healing. Of course, building them did not heal me or turn things around overnight; but they let me get into a zone and forget about all of my problems. It was peaceful just as Captain Phil said it was. Just before the end of March, I was starting to feel a little bit better. I was changing some of my thinking; I had threw away my old "toolbox" and bought a new one; I started to adapt with some new tools. I was reading everything I could get my hands on. If anyone is reading this and is looking for something to aid them, I will post my books I bought at the end that helped me. Anyways, using workbooks, going to counselling and trying new coping strategies helped a little bit, I was still a LONG ways away before feeling better.
I asked my doctor on a Friday if she thought that I could try to go back to work. I told her I wasn't 100% or even near it, but maybe that was something that could help me out. I was longing to be part of something again and doing something I loved to do. So she gave me the thumbs up and told me to try it out. I faxed my clearance letter in on Friday. Sunday I was to be going to Drayton Valley. That Sunday morning, the big boss sent me an email telling me to come into Calgary on the following Wednesday and to not go to Drayton. I asked him what was going on. Was I being fired? Cause if I was, let's just get it over with tomorrow(Monday). He said that we just needed to talk. I knew what was coming but I held out hope that they were different and weren't going to can me because of my mental illness. Krystle on the other hand did not hold out the hope that I did. Wednesday came and we drove down to Calgary together after leaving the kids at Krystle's brother's house. Guess what?? I got fired.
The books I used are as follows: "Telling Yourself The Truth" - William Backus and Marie Chapian
"The Anxiety Cure" - Dr. Archibald D. Hart
Both of those are found at any Christian bookstore.
"The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook' - Edmund J. Bourne 5th Edition
Found at Chapters or any book store
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)