Evening To All,
I trust that all of you are doing well this evening. A hearty hello to some new followers here on my blog and a thank you to you for reading and following my drivel. So this evening I actually have some idea of what I would like to talk about. Weird eh? lol Anyways, I have had a few interesting days over the last week. I believe that I mentioned to you last week that we were in the middle of buying a house and that it fell through for us which of course lead me to have a really nice feeling of panic. So carrying over into this week and the end of last week my anxiety has still been quite high. After we decided to not get the house and that we were going to stay right where we were at, we then decided that it was definitely time to get some new furniture, beds, a new desk and a new BBQ. All of these things create some change for me, obviously. I find it absolutely amazing that some change has really bothered me and ramped up my anxiety. These little changes in our household really cause me to feel anxious. And why is that? Obviously I cannot speak for all of those who have a mental illness, but I can speak to having an anxiety disorder.
It is exactly that; change. We/you/me whoever get very acustomed to and comfortable in our day to day lives. We eat the same foods for breakfast; we wear the same clothes, same jacket; we travel the same route to and from work everyday; we go to the same coffee shop everyday and we have our favorite/comfortable spot on the couch to watch TV or read a book. I have a challenge for you. Just change up a few things in your life and see how you like it. How do you feel when you have guests over at your house and someone sits in your chair or your spot on the couch? How do you feel when you have to drive a different route to or from work? Can you feel that right now as you read this? Good. Now multiply that by about a 100 and you will understand how I or someone with a mental illness feels when changes happen in our lives.
Now, don't get me wrong; changes are very good for us. They force us to challenge our beliefs, our thought processes and so on and so on. It is a GOOD thing to challenge yourself in this way. It is good to feel a little uncomfortable. It leads you to a better place. It makes you realize that you can accomplish things, that you don't have to sit in your same spot over and over again to feel comfortable. With a little prayer or the use of your toolbox, you can overcome these things that scare the crap out of you. Of course, this is way easier to type or talk about when one isn't feeling anxious about these changes; but it is the truth. The other truth about this? You will revert back to your old ways even if you are able to overcome those challenges. I know that I sure do!!
Now another thing this evening...I had an interesting day yesterday work wise. I ended up having to drive down to Calgary and get a few new hoses for one of my rigs. And if you have been reading this blog, I will let you guess which rig I had to take them to. Yep, the one without any phone service. Yeah, lucky me. But, I drove down to Calgary with no issues. I met up with one of my supervisor's at the shop, got the hoses and headed out on my way. If you recall, I have to drive West of Sundre and then South about 100kms. Instead of driving back up to Sundre and then over, I decided that I would head West to Cochrane and then go NW on the forestry trunk road to the rig as it is only about a 100kms from Calgary that way. All was going well for me. I went past Cochrane and jumped onto the forestry trunk road. I had phone service for a good chunk of the way as well.
I was talking to Krystle and then I lost phone service. I fully expected this and was prepared this time. But that wasn't what threw me over the edge. I was driving on a totally new road to me, that was very closed in with trees on both sides of me. The road had many sharp curves and switchbacks in it. I suddenly felt very alone and isolated with no phone service. No one knew where exactly I was or how I was doing. The panic set in on high alert. I turned on my air conditioning to high blast, snapped the crap out of my wrist and repeated on of my mantra's, "In the name of Jesus, give me peace." I just kept repeating it over and over. Eventually, things started to calm down for me and I was able to calm myself even more by taking some deep breathes. I also flexed my muscles as hard as possible to try and relax myself that way. Everything came to a grinding halt and I started to relax.
Once I got to my road that leads to the rig, I felt this HUGE weight fall off of my shoulders. Now obviously I did it and I managed to get through it, even though I did not like it. But these are the things that I have mentioned on here numerous times. You have to find the small victories and cherish them. You have to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Take some pride in your accomplishments; whether they are mentally illness related or just in your day to day life. Again, its really easy to write about these things when you are not panicked right out; but once the panic or anxiety has gone away; take the time to realize that you did a good thing, you got through it and you are a better person for it. Have a great evening...talk to you all soon.
Monday 30 April 2012
Friday 27 April 2012
April 27/12
Morning to you...
Well, well, well. A lot has been going on since my last blog. Again, I apologize to you loyal followers who are wondering where and when I will be blogging again; work has been busy still, we were looking for a house, having inspections done, furniture shopping, dealing with family issues and to top it all off, I have been having to battle through some anxiety. So busy, busy. Once again as well...I have no idea where to start. Oh, I know. Last week I had to make a trip down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck. I didn't have to go down there, but I had nothing else going on and I get a field day when I do that. I was on my way down there and feeling quite a bit of anxiety. For whatever reason, I am unsure as to why I was feeling the way that I was; but I was none the less.
I was well prepared to turn around and come home that day. I told Krystle that I would just come home and go down to the cuckoo bin for a therapy session. She refused to let me turn around and come home. She got mad at me and told me to work through this crap. "Have your own self therapy session", she said. So with great disdain for this, I went ahead to Calgary. I was pretty much anxious all the way into town, but I made it and I did it. I forced myself to get there. I forced myself to take on the challenge and I overcame it. Of course and obviously, I did not do this alone. I did it with the help of my number one support partner. Without her, I easily would have given up. I cannot stress the importance of having good support for your mental illness or any illness for that matter!
So that was a great accomplishment for me. The rest of last week was kind of a kick in the junk, work wise. I made a pretty big mistake last week that could have very well costed me my job. Thankfully, I am still doing a good job there, I have a great attitude, no driving infractions and I am constantly asking questions about everything. On Sunday afternoon, I got a text message from one of my bosses telling me to be in Calgary for Monday at 1pm. If you have read this blog at all, you know that I have had this request before and it did not feel very good at all. I was quite anxious about this "meeting" on Monday. Surprisingly enough, I actually had a good sleep that night but was very anxious driving into Calgary again on Monday. I had my meeting at 1pm and did not lose my job, but got into some pretty good ka-ka.
Needless to say, my emotions ran the gauntlet in those 24hrs. Which led us into this week here. We put another offer in on another house. The offer was accepted and we had our inspection on Wednesday evening. The inspection went fairly well with only a few issues that Krystle and I were concerned about. Yesterday, we met with our realtor to tell him of this. We had a few requests that we wanted taken care of before we would assume possession of this house. Last night at around 6pm, we found out that we were going to meet all of our requests for this home. As soon as our realtor said that once we signed it was final, I panicked. I started to get really anxious and really uncomfortable. Now, some of you are going to say that that is pretty normal to feel some anxiety with buying a new house. I absolutely agree with you. I fully understand that. But my anxiety was coming from somewhere else that I could not place a finger on.
Eventually last night, I came to the conclusion with Krystle's help that it was the pressure of buying this house that was causing me to feel the way that I was. Oddly enough, the pressure was just coming from us. We had and have looked at sooooooo many houses, we have put 4 offers in on 4 different places with no success until last night; last night being offer number 4. Krystle and I want a house so badly to call our own, that we placed needless pressure on ourselves. We were almost settling for a house that we maybe didn't want as badly as we thought. At least that's how it is for me. I know that Krystle has some different feelings toward this house, but I am just not feeling the same way. So after much thought and facing of the consequences, we decided that it was in our best interest to let it go. The consequences of course being that we might not get our deposit back, but Lord willing we will. If we don't, it is a lesson learned. An expensive lesson, but a lesson regardless.
So this morning, I am blogging with a really heavy heart. I feel really bad for my wife and my kids. I feel like I have let everyone down. I am the leader of this household (I actually don't have any power; Krystle and the kids have all the power!) and my family looks to me to lead. I failed in my leadership of them. I failed to recognize that this was not the house for me or for my family. I failed to see that we do not need to settle for second best. Mostly, I failed myself. I compromised my beliefs and my thought process into believing that everything was going to work out for the best. I am a little bit bummed out today and I am disappointed.
The good thing of all of this? These feelings are not going to last forever. By a little later on today, they will have dissapeared and I will be back to normal. I also learned a thing or two here in this whole process. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am a simple man who has simple tastes in life. I publicly apologize to my family for leading them down the wrong trail. I am a big enough man to admit when I am wrong or when I was wrong and, I was wrong. This afternoon will get better as will tomorrow. Soon enough, I will be able to look back on this and laugh. Not right away of course, but eventually. If I can leave you with one thing today, be sure that you are sure of things in life. Whether it be a move, what class to take, what vehicle to buy...whatever it may be, be sure in life.
Well, well, well. A lot has been going on since my last blog. Again, I apologize to you loyal followers who are wondering where and when I will be blogging again; work has been busy still, we were looking for a house, having inspections done, furniture shopping, dealing with family issues and to top it all off, I have been having to battle through some anxiety. So busy, busy. Once again as well...I have no idea where to start. Oh, I know. Last week I had to make a trip down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck. I didn't have to go down there, but I had nothing else going on and I get a field day when I do that. I was on my way down there and feeling quite a bit of anxiety. For whatever reason, I am unsure as to why I was feeling the way that I was; but I was none the less.
I was well prepared to turn around and come home that day. I told Krystle that I would just come home and go down to the cuckoo bin for a therapy session. She refused to let me turn around and come home. She got mad at me and told me to work through this crap. "Have your own self therapy session", she said. So with great disdain for this, I went ahead to Calgary. I was pretty much anxious all the way into town, but I made it and I did it. I forced myself to get there. I forced myself to take on the challenge and I overcame it. Of course and obviously, I did not do this alone. I did it with the help of my number one support partner. Without her, I easily would have given up. I cannot stress the importance of having good support for your mental illness or any illness for that matter!
So that was a great accomplishment for me. The rest of last week was kind of a kick in the junk, work wise. I made a pretty big mistake last week that could have very well costed me my job. Thankfully, I am still doing a good job there, I have a great attitude, no driving infractions and I am constantly asking questions about everything. On Sunday afternoon, I got a text message from one of my bosses telling me to be in Calgary for Monday at 1pm. If you have read this blog at all, you know that I have had this request before and it did not feel very good at all. I was quite anxious about this "meeting" on Monday. Surprisingly enough, I actually had a good sleep that night but was very anxious driving into Calgary again on Monday. I had my meeting at 1pm and did not lose my job, but got into some pretty good ka-ka.
Needless to say, my emotions ran the gauntlet in those 24hrs. Which led us into this week here. We put another offer in on another house. The offer was accepted and we had our inspection on Wednesday evening. The inspection went fairly well with only a few issues that Krystle and I were concerned about. Yesterday, we met with our realtor to tell him of this. We had a few requests that we wanted taken care of before we would assume possession of this house. Last night at around 6pm, we found out that we were going to meet all of our requests for this home. As soon as our realtor said that once we signed it was final, I panicked. I started to get really anxious and really uncomfortable. Now, some of you are going to say that that is pretty normal to feel some anxiety with buying a new house. I absolutely agree with you. I fully understand that. But my anxiety was coming from somewhere else that I could not place a finger on.
Eventually last night, I came to the conclusion with Krystle's help that it was the pressure of buying this house that was causing me to feel the way that I was. Oddly enough, the pressure was just coming from us. We had and have looked at sooooooo many houses, we have put 4 offers in on 4 different places with no success until last night; last night being offer number 4. Krystle and I want a house so badly to call our own, that we placed needless pressure on ourselves. We were almost settling for a house that we maybe didn't want as badly as we thought. At least that's how it is for me. I know that Krystle has some different feelings toward this house, but I am just not feeling the same way. So after much thought and facing of the consequences, we decided that it was in our best interest to let it go. The consequences of course being that we might not get our deposit back, but Lord willing we will. If we don't, it is a lesson learned. An expensive lesson, but a lesson regardless.
So this morning, I am blogging with a really heavy heart. I feel really bad for my wife and my kids. I feel like I have let everyone down. I am the leader of this household (I actually don't have any power; Krystle and the kids have all the power!) and my family looks to me to lead. I failed in my leadership of them. I failed to recognize that this was not the house for me or for my family. I failed to see that we do not need to settle for second best. Mostly, I failed myself. I compromised my beliefs and my thought process into believing that everything was going to work out for the best. I am a little bit bummed out today and I am disappointed.
The good thing of all of this? These feelings are not going to last forever. By a little later on today, they will have dissapeared and I will be back to normal. I also learned a thing or two here in this whole process. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am a simple man who has simple tastes in life. I publicly apologize to my family for leading them down the wrong trail. I am a big enough man to admit when I am wrong or when I was wrong and, I was wrong. This afternoon will get better as will tomorrow. Soon enough, I will be able to look back on this and laugh. Not right away of course, but eventually. If I can leave you with one thing today, be sure that you are sure of things in life. Whether it be a move, what class to take, what vehicle to buy...whatever it may be, be sure in life.
Tuesday 10 April 2012
April 10/12
Evening to All,
Wow! Look at me go! Almost two nights in a row here that I am blogging. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K! I trust that you are all doing well this evening and enjoying your families. Or at the very least, if you are in our household, you are enjoying that your kids are going to bed shortly! lol. Anyways, to begin with, we got our mortgage yesterday. What a totally stressful time that was. You have excellent credit, have never been delinquint on a bill, you have money put away in your savings account BUT, that does not matter. Your future is in the hands of some office guy/girl who will decide whether or not you can actually afford it. Thankfully though, we got it and now we just need our inspection to go through on Thursday and all will be good. Well, more gooder as my son says...
So all of that being said, I was lucky enough to have another panic/anxiety attack yesterday morning. Part of it was my own fault though. I had to be out at a rig for 8am for a rig tear out. After I got there, I just wanted to get it all done. I wasn't in a hurry because there something else for me to do or somewhere else that I needed to be; I just wanted to finish it quickly. So I started to go hard on getting it tore out. About 45 minutes into the tear out, I realized that my heart rate had sped up quite a bit. Bad, bad idea. Well, at least realizing that it had sped up anyways. And of course, to be totally expected as I was going pretty hard plus I am incredibly out of shape.
That of course lead to me starting to feel panic-ky. My anxiety levels started to climb up there on me and I suddenly was not having any fun. Here I am about an hour away from my comfort space, it is fairly warm outside, I have started to sweat like a pig and I am way over dressed not to mention it. I decided to take a 5 minute break in my truck and try to calm myself down. It started to work a little bit, but not fully to the extent that I would have liked it to. I also started to do some deep breathing to calm my mind that way but that did not work like I wanted it to either. So, I resorted to old faithful. I grabbed one of my elastics and snapped the crap out of my wrist until it was a deep pinky-red and my hand was vibrating from the pain.
Man, that flipping hurts when I do that. But damn, does it ever work. My thinking totally got re-focused and my anxiety started to slip away. I went and finished tearing out the centrifuge and headed home. I think that I have mentioned it on here before, but I always try to find some small victory in my anxiety attacks. Yesterday's small victory was that I did not have to take an Ativan to calm myself down. Everyday that I do not have to take one to relax myself is a victory for me. Not because I am worried or concerned about getting addicted to them or anything like that, but it proves to me that I can use my toolbox to overcome my anxiety on a daily basis. I do not have to use medicines to overcome, I can use my mind to overcome my mind. Makes sense?
The problem with having anxiety disorders or any other disorder is that your wiring in your brain is wired for full on flight or fight all of the time. It is very difficult to re-wire your thinking. The medications that one takes are to bridge that gap between the "synapses" in your brain. (Look at me using big words, eh?) They are mis-firing and need to be brought back together. Of course, medicine alone is not the cure all, end all. You need to use tools to make this work as well. Getting the proper amount of sleep or rest, exercising, eating right, attending meetings, writing a blog...whatever it may be. These need to be done on a daily basis. I am hoping that now that we have our mortgage that things will begin to settle down for me. I am still carrying around some anxiety, but as I have told Krystle, I feel that it is good anxiety. It is the anxiety of moving to a new home, taking on a new challenge, the excitement of moving to said home, having a way bigger bedroom and an ensuite.
I am not feeling anxious in any sort of bad way, but it is still anxiety. It does leave the door open for me and allows my mind to feel weak. It allows me to feel weak. But as I have said before, I am not a quitter. I will not allow this anxiety to beat me. It will win a few rounds as will I. But in the end, I will come out on top. It is just a battle to get to the top, that is all.
Wow! Look at me go! Almost two nights in a row here that I am blogging. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K! I trust that you are all doing well this evening and enjoying your families. Or at the very least, if you are in our household, you are enjoying that your kids are going to bed shortly! lol. Anyways, to begin with, we got our mortgage yesterday. What a totally stressful time that was. You have excellent credit, have never been delinquint on a bill, you have money put away in your savings account BUT, that does not matter. Your future is in the hands of some office guy/girl who will decide whether or not you can actually afford it. Thankfully though, we got it and now we just need our inspection to go through on Thursday and all will be good. Well, more gooder as my son says...
So all of that being said, I was lucky enough to have another panic/anxiety attack yesterday morning. Part of it was my own fault though. I had to be out at a rig for 8am for a rig tear out. After I got there, I just wanted to get it all done. I wasn't in a hurry because there something else for me to do or somewhere else that I needed to be; I just wanted to finish it quickly. So I started to go hard on getting it tore out. About 45 minutes into the tear out, I realized that my heart rate had sped up quite a bit. Bad, bad idea. Well, at least realizing that it had sped up anyways. And of course, to be totally expected as I was going pretty hard plus I am incredibly out of shape.
That of course lead to me starting to feel panic-ky. My anxiety levels started to climb up there on me and I suddenly was not having any fun. Here I am about an hour away from my comfort space, it is fairly warm outside, I have started to sweat like a pig and I am way over dressed not to mention it. I decided to take a 5 minute break in my truck and try to calm myself down. It started to work a little bit, but not fully to the extent that I would have liked it to. I also started to do some deep breathing to calm my mind that way but that did not work like I wanted it to either. So, I resorted to old faithful. I grabbed one of my elastics and snapped the crap out of my wrist until it was a deep pinky-red and my hand was vibrating from the pain.
Man, that flipping hurts when I do that. But damn, does it ever work. My thinking totally got re-focused and my anxiety started to slip away. I went and finished tearing out the centrifuge and headed home. I think that I have mentioned it on here before, but I always try to find some small victory in my anxiety attacks. Yesterday's small victory was that I did not have to take an Ativan to calm myself down. Everyday that I do not have to take one to relax myself is a victory for me. Not because I am worried or concerned about getting addicted to them or anything like that, but it proves to me that I can use my toolbox to overcome my anxiety on a daily basis. I do not have to use medicines to overcome, I can use my mind to overcome my mind. Makes sense?
The problem with having anxiety disorders or any other disorder is that your wiring in your brain is wired for full on flight or fight all of the time. It is very difficult to re-wire your thinking. The medications that one takes are to bridge that gap between the "synapses" in your brain. (Look at me using big words, eh?) They are mis-firing and need to be brought back together. Of course, medicine alone is not the cure all, end all. You need to use tools to make this work as well. Getting the proper amount of sleep or rest, exercising, eating right, attending meetings, writing a blog...whatever it may be. These need to be done on a daily basis. I am hoping that now that we have our mortgage that things will begin to settle down for me. I am still carrying around some anxiety, but as I have told Krystle, I feel that it is good anxiety. It is the anxiety of moving to a new home, taking on a new challenge, the excitement of moving to said home, having a way bigger bedroom and an ensuite.
I am not feeling anxious in any sort of bad way, but it is still anxiety. It does leave the door open for me and allows my mind to feel weak. It allows me to feel weak. But as I have said before, I am not a quitter. I will not allow this anxiety to beat me. It will win a few rounds as will I. But in the end, I will come out on top. It is just a battle to get to the top, that is all.
Sunday 8 April 2012
April 8/12
Good Evening to All,
A very good evening to all today. What a wonderful and special day that this is to all Christian believers as this is the day that the Lord defeated the devil with two sticks. I was lucky enough to spend and share this day with my family today and did not have to go out anywhere on a service call. We got to have a nice breakfast together, the kids and I spent a little time working in the garage with me fixing a few things. Got to have a nice nap and a great supper. Kids are in the tub now and Krystle is going through all of her scentsy stuff. Avon and Scentsy, next thing you know, she is going to want to pimp me out for home repairs or cutting people's lawns or something! lol Anyhows...how are you all doing? I trust that you had a wonderful day with your family or your friends.
What a flippity flappity roller coaster week or last two weeks life has been for me. So many ups and downs, unbelievable. For starters, we put an offer in on the house that we really liked in Penhold and...they accepted our offer. We are just waiting for all of our mortgage stuff to go through and the inspection to be completed. If all is good and completed properly, we will be taking possession on May 25th. Krystle and the kids are pretty jacked up. Of course, I am as well. Been super busy with work still, which is really great to be working this late in the season and to not really have any sort of Spring Break-Up. Although quite a few of my rigs have definately shut down or at least slowed down, but hey...I am still busy enough and on call.
We have also been busy with family stuff, friends stuff and the everyday trials of life. And on the other good positive note, my Vancouver Canucks made it to the playoffs, won the President's Trophy and begin their quest for Lord Stanley on Wednesday. Watching the final game of the season was an emotional roller coaster last night as well. So this evening, I wanted to tell you about the anxiety attack that I had last night. One of the things of having this anxiety disorder is that when life is a roller coaster ride, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that an anxiety attack is going to come any time and anywhere. Where and when is unpredictable. But I always know that one is on its way at some point. Last night was that for me. And it really carried over into this morning as well.
Last night I was playing a game on the computer around midnight and winding down from watching the hockey game. Shortly after midnight, I started to feel stomach ill and generally not well. I could feel and tell that I was in need of using the washroom. But prior to me getting to the washroom, my heart started to pound a little bit faster, my palms started to get a little moist as my hands started to shake and I was feeling a little bit dizzy and faint. I managed to get myself up to the washroom and entertain myself while using said facilities. The whole time I did my crossword to occupy my mind, my hands were trembling. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but one of my symptoms of the anxiety is a severely upset stomach. I will let you draw your own conclusions.
Once my stomach calmed down, I removed myself from the washroom and headed to bed. Krystle was already sleeping so I did not have her to talk to and tell her about what was going on. My anxiety did not end there as I also started to have some chest pains. Was it gaseous or just from the anxiety? I have no idea, but I started to lose control of my mind as I invisioned a heart attack was coming on. I started to do some relaxation breathing and tensing of the muscles to help alleviate the tension. Finally, I started to relax and eventually went to sleep. But I was definitely not feeling well and still was dealing with the after effects. I am also always very drained after having said attacks.
After I woke up this morning and had some breakfast with the family, I started to feel a little bit off again. I was feeling out of sorts. Some of it was aimed at the fact that we did not go to church this morning on one of the most important Sundays of the year. But I had a few really long 24hr days this last week that really screwed my sleeping schedule up. So I was kind of catching up with that and then of course, having the anxiety attack last night did not help out at all. I was also feeling kind of useless this morning and I wanted to feel like I had accomplished something. I did head out to the garage as I mentioned and fixed a few things for my wife and one thing for my Mom. So that brought a bit of closure for me in that regard.
I used some of the tools in my toolbox today and changed some of my thinking around and eventually got over the anxiety. It took me awhile but I did it. I was also able to figure out the biggest factor contributing to my anxiety and that is that I am still concerned with my weight. I hate feeling fat or over-weight or pudgy or whatever you want to call it. I am really tired of struggling with my weight and not seeing any gains. Now being a few pounds over weight is not THAT big of a deal, but it is HUGE when you have an anxiety disorder. Your mind is allowed to go to bad places that put you in a bad frame of mind. You are picturing your family all alone without you, or being in the hospital or recovering from a stroke etc. Terrible places to be for an anxiety disorder.
But I am feeling better this evening. I also helped out a little bit with our family friend who just had a loss. I reached out to her and gave her a few suggestions as to how to combat any stresses or to find someone to talk to. She has probably already had a few people give her some suggestions and where to reach out to, but it helped me to feel better. Please don't get me wrong, I didn't try to help her out to make myself feel better. I didn't try to help her out for any selfish reasons, I did it for her and her son. But, in doing that it helped to make me feel a little better for myself. So I guess that it was good that I reached out to her. Where do I go from here now?
Well, tomorrow or Tuesday we will find out about the nuances of our mortgage and whether or not they are going to give us one. Krystle and I both feel confident in this and our credit is in excellent shape, but don't count your chickens before they hatch right? Work is winding down somewhat so that helps me to alleviate some of the anxiety. Family things are family things and always will be. Not a whole bunch that you can do about that. That leaves the weight thing. I need to kick this things ass. I am going to check out a few different diets this week and see what kind of dough a guy needs for these diets. I know that some of you are going to reply to me that diets are hard to come off of because you can easily gain back your weight. But for those of you who know me well, you know that I maintain my weight pretty well. Have you seen me lately?? lol Well, I don't know how to end this for this evening, so I am just going to end it right now. Have yourselves an excellent evening and be well. Take care and love your families!
A very good evening to all today. What a wonderful and special day that this is to all Christian believers as this is the day that the Lord defeated the devil with two sticks. I was lucky enough to spend and share this day with my family today and did not have to go out anywhere on a service call. We got to have a nice breakfast together, the kids and I spent a little time working in the garage with me fixing a few things. Got to have a nice nap and a great supper. Kids are in the tub now and Krystle is going through all of her scentsy stuff. Avon and Scentsy, next thing you know, she is going to want to pimp me out for home repairs or cutting people's lawns or something! lol Anyhows...how are you all doing? I trust that you had a wonderful day with your family or your friends.
What a flippity flappity roller coaster week or last two weeks life has been for me. So many ups and downs, unbelievable. For starters, we put an offer in on the house that we really liked in Penhold and...they accepted our offer. We are just waiting for all of our mortgage stuff to go through and the inspection to be completed. If all is good and completed properly, we will be taking possession on May 25th. Krystle and the kids are pretty jacked up. Of course, I am as well. Been super busy with work still, which is really great to be working this late in the season and to not really have any sort of Spring Break-Up. Although quite a few of my rigs have definately shut down or at least slowed down, but hey...I am still busy enough and on call.
We have also been busy with family stuff, friends stuff and the everyday trials of life. And on the other good positive note, my Vancouver Canucks made it to the playoffs, won the President's Trophy and begin their quest for Lord Stanley on Wednesday. Watching the final game of the season was an emotional roller coaster last night as well. So this evening, I wanted to tell you about the anxiety attack that I had last night. One of the things of having this anxiety disorder is that when life is a roller coaster ride, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that an anxiety attack is going to come any time and anywhere. Where and when is unpredictable. But I always know that one is on its way at some point. Last night was that for me. And it really carried over into this morning as well.
Last night I was playing a game on the computer around midnight and winding down from watching the hockey game. Shortly after midnight, I started to feel stomach ill and generally not well. I could feel and tell that I was in need of using the washroom. But prior to me getting to the washroom, my heart started to pound a little bit faster, my palms started to get a little moist as my hands started to shake and I was feeling a little bit dizzy and faint. I managed to get myself up to the washroom and entertain myself while using said facilities. The whole time I did my crossword to occupy my mind, my hands were trembling. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but one of my symptoms of the anxiety is a severely upset stomach. I will let you draw your own conclusions.
Once my stomach calmed down, I removed myself from the washroom and headed to bed. Krystle was already sleeping so I did not have her to talk to and tell her about what was going on. My anxiety did not end there as I also started to have some chest pains. Was it gaseous or just from the anxiety? I have no idea, but I started to lose control of my mind as I invisioned a heart attack was coming on. I started to do some relaxation breathing and tensing of the muscles to help alleviate the tension. Finally, I started to relax and eventually went to sleep. But I was definitely not feeling well and still was dealing with the after effects. I am also always very drained after having said attacks.
After I woke up this morning and had some breakfast with the family, I started to feel a little bit off again. I was feeling out of sorts. Some of it was aimed at the fact that we did not go to church this morning on one of the most important Sundays of the year. But I had a few really long 24hr days this last week that really screwed my sleeping schedule up. So I was kind of catching up with that and then of course, having the anxiety attack last night did not help out at all. I was also feeling kind of useless this morning and I wanted to feel like I had accomplished something. I did head out to the garage as I mentioned and fixed a few things for my wife and one thing for my Mom. So that brought a bit of closure for me in that regard.
I used some of the tools in my toolbox today and changed some of my thinking around and eventually got over the anxiety. It took me awhile but I did it. I was also able to figure out the biggest factor contributing to my anxiety and that is that I am still concerned with my weight. I hate feeling fat or over-weight or pudgy or whatever you want to call it. I am really tired of struggling with my weight and not seeing any gains. Now being a few pounds over weight is not THAT big of a deal, but it is HUGE when you have an anxiety disorder. Your mind is allowed to go to bad places that put you in a bad frame of mind. You are picturing your family all alone without you, or being in the hospital or recovering from a stroke etc. Terrible places to be for an anxiety disorder.
But I am feeling better this evening. I also helped out a little bit with our family friend who just had a loss. I reached out to her and gave her a few suggestions as to how to combat any stresses or to find someone to talk to. She has probably already had a few people give her some suggestions and where to reach out to, but it helped me to feel better. Please don't get me wrong, I didn't try to help her out to make myself feel better. I didn't try to help her out for any selfish reasons, I did it for her and her son. But, in doing that it helped to make me feel a little better for myself. So I guess that it was good that I reached out to her. Where do I go from here now?
Well, tomorrow or Tuesday we will find out about the nuances of our mortgage and whether or not they are going to give us one. Krystle and I both feel confident in this and our credit is in excellent shape, but don't count your chickens before they hatch right? Work is winding down somewhat so that helps me to alleviate some of the anxiety. Family things are family things and always will be. Not a whole bunch that you can do about that. That leaves the weight thing. I need to kick this things ass. I am going to check out a few different diets this week and see what kind of dough a guy needs for these diets. I know that some of you are going to reply to me that diets are hard to come off of because you can easily gain back your weight. But for those of you who know me well, you know that I maintain my weight pretty well. Have you seen me lately?? lol Well, I don't know how to end this for this evening, so I am just going to end it right now. Have yourselves an excellent evening and be well. Take care and love your families!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)