Evening All...
How are you all doing this evening? I and the family are well, thanks for asking! I find that my blogs are getting farther spaced apart with work playing a big factor in that. All last week and leading into this week, I have been uber-busy with work. Spending anywhere from 6-22hrs on a location at any given time. Man, this month has flown by for me. So how is all of this treating me mentally? Specifically, how have I been doing? Well, suprisingly, fairly good. We are still house hunting and haven't found that home yet that we really want to be in. Actually, I should correct myself. We have found that home, we haven't found the mortgage that we are willing to pay yet. Work has been going good as I said. I have been busy which is good, but is also a bit of a hinderance for me. I find that when I get over tired or rundown; my emotions are a little out of whack. Not that I am the only one, but of course, I am only speaking from my experiences!
I believe that I mentioned last week that a very close family friend had her fiance pass away in a car accident. That was a difficult week here in the Metcalfe household. Mostly for my wife as this is her best friend that this happened to. I was trying my best to support Krystle and her emotions while dealing with this. We were unable to go to the funeral as it was about 4hrs away from here. It would have been quite difficult for us to pull the kids out of school, me get time off of work and Krystle cancel out on her babysitting. Of course, it wasn't actually difficult, just some bad timing. But when is passing away ever good timing? Its not something we can plan for.
Dealing with our friends loss, was a little difficult for me because it brought back into perspective my fear of losing someone close to me and how I will deal with it when the time finally comes. I also felt and feel very terrible for my wife's friend. She is a great woman and I have a lot of love for her(strictly plutonic). We also have another friend who's little guy, I think he is 16 months old or so, got very sick. He had to be rushed from Tumbler Ridge to Grande Prairie via STARS air ambulance. He ended up having some pneumonia and asthma. His blood cells were not holding enough oxygen, so he ended up having a blood transfusion. Sooooo, we had that on our plates as well (in a round about way) praying for him to get better and such. Thankfully he is better and back at home.
BUT, so much raw emotion last week. So much pain and suffering, heartache and loss, ups and downs and me having to deal with an idiot out at a rig. How am I doing after all of this? Please don't get me wrong, I am not being selfish; just asking how my mental health is. As I said, I am suprisingly good. I think that alot of last week did not hit to, to close to home; but close enough. I don't have an answer for you as to how I coped through the last week. I think that alot of it has to do with how we are doing financially and job wise. Of course, I am not going to tell any of you how we are doing financially, I am just mentioning it. Let's just say that we eight zero's in our bank account. Okay, we don't. No lottery win here. lol. Anyways, I think that last year being what it was and this year being what it is, has played a HUGE part in how I have been feeling.
As I have mentioned before, I am a ways away from feeling like 100%, but I am continuing on my way there. I take my medication every day without fail, I read up on mental health issues whenever I can, I try to get some exercise in and I enjoy my time with my wife and kids. I haven't been to one of my meetings in months. I am hoping to attend one tomorrow night, but we have a house viewing at 4pm and my meeting starts at 5pm. So we will have to see. I have also mentioned many times how very, very important my wife is to me in my recovery and daily routines. Without her, I think that I can honestly say that I do not know where I would be. I love you Krystle very much and I thank God for you everyday. So, I think that this evening I am going to leave you with this.
Love your family everyday; tell them that you love them and how much they mean to you. Make sure that they know how much they mean to you. Make sure that you support each other and that you have people supporting you. Never take your friends and family for granted, you never know when they could pass in a car accident or have to rushed to the hospital in an air ambulance. As Garth says, "If Tomorrow Never Comes..."
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Monday 19 March 2012
March 19/12
Evening,
I hope that you are all doing well this evening. I apologize for not being here for a week; I have been very busy with work still and really haven't had a whole lot of time to myself. The time that I have had, I have spent with Krystle and the kids. So where do we start this evening? How about with an old faithful that I have talked about on here already. Change. How much an anxiety driven person does not like changes. Well, we have a huge change coming our way. Maybe. Krystle is pregnant. Haha, just kidding. We put an offer in on a house this evening. Wow! I am pretty excited about it; I am pretty anxious about it too. But I think that my anxiety is more of the positive kind. In fact, I know that it is. But somewhere in my mind, there is that little voice nagging at me talking about "changes". Hmm...not very enjoyable.
Now please don't get me wrong, I am truly excited about this change. There has been so many ups and downs with this house hunting thing, that I think that my stress levels are jumping a little crazy for me. Is this it? Is the house? How are they going to respond? Amazing to me. I do feel good, but the normal anxiety is driving me through the roof. We as regular individuals, sometimes thrive on change. Sometimes, we strongly dislike it. I don't think that as a normal person, I am either. Some changes are great, some obviously suck. But as an anxiety driven personality, I am definitely not a fan of change. I like my house even though it is not mine. I like my bedroom, my garage, my bathroom, my t.v room. Even though I have to share all of these spaces with either my wife or my kids, they are still mine. They belong to me.
Once we move, we will have our own bathroom. Garage will be a little smaller. We would have 2 more bedrooms. And it is in the area that we want to be in. And it is still in Red Deer. Positive changes and negative ones. Or should I really say, not so positive. But the excitement is definitely there. I just realized something else here. Last week, I was talking about losing loved ones. What a major change that is or would be! I also think that that is playing into some of my anxiety. One of my wife's very good friends just lost her significant other last week in a car accident. I did not know him really, really well. I knew him. I knew his kids, but never got the oppurtunity to really spend any good time with him. He was at my house a few times and I at theirs. But did I know him really well? No, I did not.
That does not change the fact that someone that I DO know really well, is suffering and hurting something fierce. I wish that there was something that I could do for her. Alas, I cannot. I did not even realize that one of my very last posts and this one would tie in until a few seconds ago. So how do we deal with change?? How do you deal with change?? Minor changes are pretty easy to handle I think. At least I feel that they are. Maybe not. I don't recall the last minor change that I or we had. Its those major changes that mess us up a little bit. I think that first and foremost, you must pray to whoever it is that you believe in. I think that you must ask for the strength to go on.
Secondly, I think that you have to surround yourself with loved ones or at the very least, some really good friends. Thirdly, you have to look at the positives that are going to come out of this. I am unsure of the positives coming from a personal loss; but I am sure that some are out there. Lastly, I think that you have to focus on the future. Focus on where you will be in 1 year or 5 years down the road. You must embrace your changes and accept them for who they are or what they are or will be. I am not sure if this is easier said than done for anyone particular person. It is very easy to sit here and type that. I am sitting up in the press box watching the game from above. Easy for me to coach the players from there. But what about when you are on the ice in that "pressure" situation? Will you follow your own advice? I know that I am sure going to try.
I hope that you are all doing well this evening. I apologize for not being here for a week; I have been very busy with work still and really haven't had a whole lot of time to myself. The time that I have had, I have spent with Krystle and the kids. So where do we start this evening? How about with an old faithful that I have talked about on here already. Change. How much an anxiety driven person does not like changes. Well, we have a huge change coming our way. Maybe. Krystle is pregnant. Haha, just kidding. We put an offer in on a house this evening. Wow! I am pretty excited about it; I am pretty anxious about it too. But I think that my anxiety is more of the positive kind. In fact, I know that it is. But somewhere in my mind, there is that little voice nagging at me talking about "changes". Hmm...not very enjoyable.
Now please don't get me wrong, I am truly excited about this change. There has been so many ups and downs with this house hunting thing, that I think that my stress levels are jumping a little crazy for me. Is this it? Is the house? How are they going to respond? Amazing to me. I do feel good, but the normal anxiety is driving me through the roof. We as regular individuals, sometimes thrive on change. Sometimes, we strongly dislike it. I don't think that as a normal person, I am either. Some changes are great, some obviously suck. But as an anxiety driven personality, I am definitely not a fan of change. I like my house even though it is not mine. I like my bedroom, my garage, my bathroom, my t.v room. Even though I have to share all of these spaces with either my wife or my kids, they are still mine. They belong to me.
Once we move, we will have our own bathroom. Garage will be a little smaller. We would have 2 more bedrooms. And it is in the area that we want to be in. And it is still in Red Deer. Positive changes and negative ones. Or should I really say, not so positive. But the excitement is definitely there. I just realized something else here. Last week, I was talking about losing loved ones. What a major change that is or would be! I also think that that is playing into some of my anxiety. One of my wife's very good friends just lost her significant other last week in a car accident. I did not know him really, really well. I knew him. I knew his kids, but never got the oppurtunity to really spend any good time with him. He was at my house a few times and I at theirs. But did I know him really well? No, I did not.
That does not change the fact that someone that I DO know really well, is suffering and hurting something fierce. I wish that there was something that I could do for her. Alas, I cannot. I did not even realize that one of my very last posts and this one would tie in until a few seconds ago. So how do we deal with change?? How do you deal with change?? Minor changes are pretty easy to handle I think. At least I feel that they are. Maybe not. I don't recall the last minor change that I or we had. Its those major changes that mess us up a little bit. I think that first and foremost, you must pray to whoever it is that you believe in. I think that you must ask for the strength to go on.
Secondly, I think that you have to surround yourself with loved ones or at the very least, some really good friends. Thirdly, you have to look at the positives that are going to come out of this. I am unsure of the positives coming from a personal loss; but I am sure that some are out there. Lastly, I think that you have to focus on the future. Focus on where you will be in 1 year or 5 years down the road. You must embrace your changes and accept them for who they are or what they are or will be. I am not sure if this is easier said than done for anyone particular person. It is very easy to sit here and type that. I am sitting up in the press box watching the game from above. Easy for me to coach the players from there. But what about when you are on the ice in that "pressure" situation? Will you follow your own advice? I know that I am sure going to try.
Monday 12 March 2012
March 12/12
Hello All,
Ah, Mondays. What an exciting day. Not even close. Anyways...how is everyone doing this evening? I am well. So, today I had two rigs to go and look after that needed some servicing. I had a trainee back with me again, so that made short work of the service's. But I had some decent driving time today and of course, plenty of time to think. I finished reading that new Anxiety book that I recently purchased, last night before shutting it down. One of the last chapters that was in the book was on Nutrition, Exercise and Herbs. Now as far as the herbs go, I told you that it has been 11 years since I partook in any such thing. Oh. What? Oooohhhhhh, not that kind of herb. Okay, stupid joke, but I couldn't stop myself.
Okay, in all seriousness, I need to change my diet and exercise routines around. I need to kick start my butt into getting into a little better shape. Lets face it, I am a 39 year old man who has a pretty broken down body. A spring chicken I am not. So not only for my mental well being should I be doing these things, but also for my heart, my lungs, my muscles, joints and bones. And obviously, I should be doing this for my kids and my wife. But how do you start this? How do you flip the so called switch and change things around? Again, obviously it isn't easy! It takes work and commitment. It takes some intestinal fortitude to complete this challenge. So what is my biggest challenge then in getting started?
Well, I will tell you. A while ago when I first got started on this blog and about 10 days in or so; I told you all how I had developed some pretty strong psychosis and some symptoms of agoraphobia. I also told you how I have worked through quite a bit of it from last year but that I am still working through some things. Some are, of course, much easier than others. One of my big challenges is getting back into doing some exercise and getting that heart rate pumping. Here is where I be 100% percent honest with you...I am scared. I am scared of bringing my heartbeat up to high. As soon as my heartbeat starts climbing, so does my mind. It doesn't take much for me to feel like I am losing control when that happens. Last year, I really wanted to go out and play hockey with my church. REALLY wanted to. This was when things were in the crapper for me big time.
Krystle came to the rink with the kids to watch me and support me. She knew that I was really scared and anxious about going out to play because of the heart thing. She gave me a ton of encouraging words and support. So, I went to that arena crapping my pants. I got dressed into my gear, sweating bullets the whole time. I went out on the ice and did the whole warm up thing. I stretched, shot around a few pucks and got ready to play. I think that I played one shift and I felt my knee kind of twist or hyper-extend a bit. Well...that was all the excuse that I needed to get off of that ice. I couldn't do it, I totally got panicky. The next time that I really wanted to go out, my best friend Doug came out with me. I ended up playing the whole game. Now, it wasn't smooth sailing all throughout that game, but having him on the bench right there with me, really made my night a lot easier. I sweated like a pig and I played my guts out. Guess what? I had fun. Didn't score any goals or get any assists, but I was never a points guy anyways. I liked to hit. Of course, you cannot do that in church hockey. What a dumb rule! lol
Anyways, the point of all of this, is that I am scared now to get my heartbeat racing. I have a really hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that this is GOOD for me, not bad. But, the good thing in all of this, was something that I read in that book last night. It says to take baby steps in getting back into an exercise routine. Huh. Take baby steps eh? You mean something that I have been doing all along and I can apply this to other areas of my life when dealing with my mental illness? Well, who would've thought that! Obviously not me. So what I want to leave you with tonight, is this. Whether or not you have any sort of illness or not; when faced with a challenge in life that requires you to put your "heart" into it, take baby steps.
I realize that not everything works this way in life and that you may not have the time to be able to work your way up from baby steps, but not everything is a race. Not everything has a deadline. I have started small again. Two nights in a row now, we have taken our 4 kids for a walk (Guess, Chula, Liliana and Gabriel-the 4 kids) for about 20 minutes or so. Nothing to straining, no high speed walking. Just a walk. Let the kids jump around in the puddles and let the furry ones sniff other dog pee and poop. I hope that by next week sometime, we will be walking a little longer or a little quicker. And if we are not? Well, I will just keep doing what I am doing for now until I am ready for more challenges. You too can challenge yourself in this way. Take some smaller steps first and work your way up to the big stuff.
Hopefully, the next time that some of your see me, I will have lost a little bit of weight. But I am trying to make myself better for my health, my wife, my kids, my family and my friends. Are you willing to try to make a change for yourself that is going to improve your life? I know that I am.
Shawn
Ah, Mondays. What an exciting day. Not even close. Anyways...how is everyone doing this evening? I am well. So, today I had two rigs to go and look after that needed some servicing. I had a trainee back with me again, so that made short work of the service's. But I had some decent driving time today and of course, plenty of time to think. I finished reading that new Anxiety book that I recently purchased, last night before shutting it down. One of the last chapters that was in the book was on Nutrition, Exercise and Herbs. Now as far as the herbs go, I told you that it has been 11 years since I partook in any such thing. Oh. What? Oooohhhhhh, not that kind of herb. Okay, stupid joke, but I couldn't stop myself.
Okay, in all seriousness, I need to change my diet and exercise routines around. I need to kick start my butt into getting into a little better shape. Lets face it, I am a 39 year old man who has a pretty broken down body. A spring chicken I am not. So not only for my mental well being should I be doing these things, but also for my heart, my lungs, my muscles, joints and bones. And obviously, I should be doing this for my kids and my wife. But how do you start this? How do you flip the so called switch and change things around? Again, obviously it isn't easy! It takes work and commitment. It takes some intestinal fortitude to complete this challenge. So what is my biggest challenge then in getting started?
Well, I will tell you. A while ago when I first got started on this blog and about 10 days in or so; I told you all how I had developed some pretty strong psychosis and some symptoms of agoraphobia. I also told you how I have worked through quite a bit of it from last year but that I am still working through some things. Some are, of course, much easier than others. One of my big challenges is getting back into doing some exercise and getting that heart rate pumping. Here is where I be 100% percent honest with you...I am scared. I am scared of bringing my heartbeat up to high. As soon as my heartbeat starts climbing, so does my mind. It doesn't take much for me to feel like I am losing control when that happens. Last year, I really wanted to go out and play hockey with my church. REALLY wanted to. This was when things were in the crapper for me big time.
Krystle came to the rink with the kids to watch me and support me. She knew that I was really scared and anxious about going out to play because of the heart thing. She gave me a ton of encouraging words and support. So, I went to that arena crapping my pants. I got dressed into my gear, sweating bullets the whole time. I went out on the ice and did the whole warm up thing. I stretched, shot around a few pucks and got ready to play. I think that I played one shift and I felt my knee kind of twist or hyper-extend a bit. Well...that was all the excuse that I needed to get off of that ice. I couldn't do it, I totally got panicky. The next time that I really wanted to go out, my best friend Doug came out with me. I ended up playing the whole game. Now, it wasn't smooth sailing all throughout that game, but having him on the bench right there with me, really made my night a lot easier. I sweated like a pig and I played my guts out. Guess what? I had fun. Didn't score any goals or get any assists, but I was never a points guy anyways. I liked to hit. Of course, you cannot do that in church hockey. What a dumb rule! lol
Anyways, the point of all of this, is that I am scared now to get my heartbeat racing. I have a really hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that this is GOOD for me, not bad. But, the good thing in all of this, was something that I read in that book last night. It says to take baby steps in getting back into an exercise routine. Huh. Take baby steps eh? You mean something that I have been doing all along and I can apply this to other areas of my life when dealing with my mental illness? Well, who would've thought that! Obviously not me. So what I want to leave you with tonight, is this. Whether or not you have any sort of illness or not; when faced with a challenge in life that requires you to put your "heart" into it, take baby steps.
I realize that not everything works this way in life and that you may not have the time to be able to work your way up from baby steps, but not everything is a race. Not everything has a deadline. I have started small again. Two nights in a row now, we have taken our 4 kids for a walk (Guess, Chula, Liliana and Gabriel-the 4 kids) for about 20 minutes or so. Nothing to straining, no high speed walking. Just a walk. Let the kids jump around in the puddles and let the furry ones sniff other dog pee and poop. I hope that by next week sometime, we will be walking a little longer or a little quicker. And if we are not? Well, I will just keep doing what I am doing for now until I am ready for more challenges. You too can challenge yourself in this way. Take some smaller steps first and work your way up to the big stuff.
Hopefully, the next time that some of your see me, I will have lost a little bit of weight. But I am trying to make myself better for my health, my wife, my kids, my family and my friends. Are you willing to try to make a change for yourself that is going to improve your life? I know that I am.
Shawn
Saturday 10 March 2012
March 10/12
Good Evening All...
I trust that you are all doing well this evening. I am doing okay this evening. I have been really struggling this last 10-14 days. Well, I should re-phrase that. I haven't been struggling, per se, I have just been dealing with a lot more anxiety recently. And I believe that it all culminates from us searching for a new home. We have been looking non-stop for a new house for our family. We have gone and looked at some really nice houses that would really put us behind the eight ball if we bought them; we have looked at some real garbage too. We have yet to find that house that we walk into and say, "This is it". I think that it has been really dragging me down to some degree.
I find that when I get more "stressed" and anxious; I start to get more headaches, I am more tired, more irritable and I am VERY open to anxiety or panic attacks. My first sign this last little while is a very easy one. I am getting more headaches. Almost a tension headache. Where is this tension coming from? I am reading my book at night before going to sleep and I realize that I am totally clenching my jaw. Aha! Sign number one. Now, I also know that I am doing this sub-conciously which is a real hard habit to break, but it usually takes me a few days or a week to even realize that I am doing it. Then one day...
I also am more open to anxiety attacks. Yesterday, (Friday) I had to drive down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck for work. After getting into Calgary and before getting to my office, BANG! I got caught up in some traffic. I tried really really hard to ignore my panic. I tried to slow my breathing and focus on other things, but I was WAY to late. I got that elastic band on my wrist, turned up the A/C (it was +16 in Calgary) and phoned Krystle. Right away she helped me to calm down and thankfully the traffic started to move. But we were at a standstill for about 3 or 4 minutes. Then last night, I started to have terrible thoughts of family members passing away and how will I cope with this when that day comes. I also had a few nightmares, which of course, helped me out tremendously!
So my question this evening to you is this: How do you cope with the thoughts of one day losing friends or family members? I don't actually expect any of you to answer, just curious. I know that some of you who read my blog have already lost friends or family members. I also know one or two of you who ended up on some meds for a few days, weeks or months. So I know that some of you have already been down this road and have dealt with this exact thing. I myself, have not. Yes, I have had a few close friends pass away in my lifetime; but honestly, I have not had anyone close to me pass away for a really long time. I think that the last time someone did, I was 19 or 20. That was almost 20 years ago.
I am very close to my mother. She is one of my best friends and we have quite a bit in common. We share some really good laughs; I phone her all the time when my dad is away at work; I try to look out for her when he is gone even though we live 1.5hrs apart. We share alot of common interests in movies and music. We watch alot of the same t.v shows. So, when that day comes to pass that she is no longer here; how will I cope with that? Right now, I picture myself unable to cope and locked up in the bin on a heavy dose of meds. Is this what will happen for me? I of course, do not know. I know that I try not to think about it as much as I can. I try not think about it as much as I can. But when my mind is stressed and my body is weak, as I said...I am very open to my mind taking over and controlling my thoughts.
I think that all of us as parents and spouses also try not to think of losing our immediate family members at any time. I am in this same boat with all of you. I try my hardest to not think of these days, but it is hard. Of course, you will never be able to be in my mind and I in yours. So I wonder if you feel the same way about this as I do. It scares the hell out of me. It keeps me awake at night and my demons are biting at my heels. Hard. Non-stop. With no remorse. This does not even begin to describe the fear I feel, the thought patterns that develop in my mind when these thoughts come in. But, I just wanted to share with you this evening what was happening with me and how I was feeling.
Now, to end this on a positive note; I did get through my panic/anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty good one, but my trusty elastic and Krystle helped me through it. Everyday that I get through one, its a good day. Everyday that I "pass" the test, its a good day. Krystle and I also decided to lay low on the house hunting for now. We have a good selection of homes that we like. We have a good base built up of some positive choices for our family. None have jumped up and smacked us in the face saying "buy me"; but, it is out there. I took some days off last week because I was starting to really feel burnt out by work. Well, this is the same thing. I am taking some days off from house hunting because I am starting to feel burnt out. Have a good night and be good to your families.
Shawn
I trust that you are all doing well this evening. I am doing okay this evening. I have been really struggling this last 10-14 days. Well, I should re-phrase that. I haven't been struggling, per se, I have just been dealing with a lot more anxiety recently. And I believe that it all culminates from us searching for a new home. We have been looking non-stop for a new house for our family. We have gone and looked at some really nice houses that would really put us behind the eight ball if we bought them; we have looked at some real garbage too. We have yet to find that house that we walk into and say, "This is it". I think that it has been really dragging me down to some degree.
I find that when I get more "stressed" and anxious; I start to get more headaches, I am more tired, more irritable and I am VERY open to anxiety or panic attacks. My first sign this last little while is a very easy one. I am getting more headaches. Almost a tension headache. Where is this tension coming from? I am reading my book at night before going to sleep and I realize that I am totally clenching my jaw. Aha! Sign number one. Now, I also know that I am doing this sub-conciously which is a real hard habit to break, but it usually takes me a few days or a week to even realize that I am doing it. Then one day...
I also am more open to anxiety attacks. Yesterday, (Friday) I had to drive down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck for work. After getting into Calgary and before getting to my office, BANG! I got caught up in some traffic. I tried really really hard to ignore my panic. I tried to slow my breathing and focus on other things, but I was WAY to late. I got that elastic band on my wrist, turned up the A/C (it was +16 in Calgary) and phoned Krystle. Right away she helped me to calm down and thankfully the traffic started to move. But we were at a standstill for about 3 or 4 minutes. Then last night, I started to have terrible thoughts of family members passing away and how will I cope with this when that day comes. I also had a few nightmares, which of course, helped me out tremendously!
So my question this evening to you is this: How do you cope with the thoughts of one day losing friends or family members? I don't actually expect any of you to answer, just curious. I know that some of you who read my blog have already lost friends or family members. I also know one or two of you who ended up on some meds for a few days, weeks or months. So I know that some of you have already been down this road and have dealt with this exact thing. I myself, have not. Yes, I have had a few close friends pass away in my lifetime; but honestly, I have not had anyone close to me pass away for a really long time. I think that the last time someone did, I was 19 or 20. That was almost 20 years ago.
I am very close to my mother. She is one of my best friends and we have quite a bit in common. We share some really good laughs; I phone her all the time when my dad is away at work; I try to look out for her when he is gone even though we live 1.5hrs apart. We share alot of common interests in movies and music. We watch alot of the same t.v shows. So, when that day comes to pass that she is no longer here; how will I cope with that? Right now, I picture myself unable to cope and locked up in the bin on a heavy dose of meds. Is this what will happen for me? I of course, do not know. I know that I try not to think about it as much as I can. I try not think about it as much as I can. But when my mind is stressed and my body is weak, as I said...I am very open to my mind taking over and controlling my thoughts.
I think that all of us as parents and spouses also try not to think of losing our immediate family members at any time. I am in this same boat with all of you. I try my hardest to not think of these days, but it is hard. Of course, you will never be able to be in my mind and I in yours. So I wonder if you feel the same way about this as I do. It scares the hell out of me. It keeps me awake at night and my demons are biting at my heels. Hard. Non-stop. With no remorse. This does not even begin to describe the fear I feel, the thought patterns that develop in my mind when these thoughts come in. But, I just wanted to share with you this evening what was happening with me and how I was feeling.
Now, to end this on a positive note; I did get through my panic/anxiety attack yesterday afternoon. It was a pretty good one, but my trusty elastic and Krystle helped me through it. Everyday that I get through one, its a good day. Everyday that I "pass" the test, its a good day. Krystle and I also decided to lay low on the house hunting for now. We have a good selection of homes that we like. We have a good base built up of some positive choices for our family. None have jumped up and smacked us in the face saying "buy me"; but, it is out there. I took some days off last week because I was starting to really feel burnt out by work. Well, this is the same thing. I am taking some days off from house hunting because I am starting to feel burnt out. Have a good night and be good to your families.
Shawn
Tuesday 6 March 2012
March 6/12
Good Morning to All,
Thanks to some of you for questioning where I was and not blogging the last few days/weeks/months/years. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Everything has been fine for me on this end, I was working like a dirty bugger all of the last 10 days and now have been on 3 days off since Sunday. Just a couple of days off to refresh my mind and regroup my thoughts. So no, I wasn't neglecting myself or this blog, just enjoying a little down time. How is everyone doing? I am pretty good. We got a huge dump of snow here in Red Deer that hampered things a little bit for us. I won some tickets off of the radio to go down to Calgary and see The Trews, but since the RC's closed most of the highways down in certain areas and because it would've been just plain stupid to be out on the roads, we didn't go. Oh well. A little disappointing I know, but there will be other times.
Which leads me into this morning's blog. As you all know, we have been house hunting quite a bit in the last while. It has been a slight source of anxiety for me. It's just really frustrating in some regards and quite unsatisfying in others. We have yet to find a home that needs a bit of work, is decent and is priced right. So that has definetely caused some added tension to my mind. I think that that is pretty normal and that it kind of goes with what most of you would probably say about it as well. So add to that, we were going to go down to Calgary to The Trews concert. It was going to be at a smaller venue, so that would have been fine. But for some strange reason, I was antsy and anxious about it somewhat. Hmm, kind of weird if you ask me.
Was it going to be a change of scenery for me? Perhaps leaving our kids behind at our friends' house? Maybe it was the thoughts of being away from my safe place? Regardless of what it is or was, I found it quite funny that this was bothering me. Of course, it wasn't ha-ha funny, just weird, bizarre and different. I was going to be at the concert with Krystle. Was it all the people that were going to be there? Was it the temperature that might be in there? Again...I don't know what was making me feel anxious about it. Now, don't get me wrong; I did really want to go. Krystle and I love The Trews. Heck, the kids love The Trews. I was looking forward to going, but I did feel some anxiety over this. I never did tell Krystle this, but I'm 99.9% sure that she would have heard about it on our way down to Calgary last night. I know she would have heard about it.
So what am I getting at today? I think that it is quite simple. Again, no matter if you have a mental illness or not; sometimes in life we are unable to pinpoint what is bothering us. Could it be house hunting? Yep. How about our kids doing poorly in school? Yep. (Mine are not by the way, just an example.) How about that fight we had with our spouse? Yep. It doesn't take much to throw our "balance" out of whack. It takes a lot to reel it back in, but not a lot to throw it out. So even though I am sitting here writing this for myself, for you; I cannot tell you what threw my balance out. I cannot tell you what brought about those feelings. The point this morning is to RECOGNIZE them at the very least. Talk to someone. You don't need to have an illness to talk to your friend or spouse or family member.
As long as you are recognizing that something doesn't feel quite right, or as I like to put it "I'm feeling a little off today", I think that you are ahead of the game in realizing that you are just a human being and that life can get very busy or full for us at certain times of our lives. Talking to someone about feeling the way that you do is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, I feel that you are very strong. You are taking the time to acknowledge that you are not feeling like your regular old self. Before something stupid really sets you off and you blow up at your kids or start a huge fight with your spouse, you are recognizing that you need to take 5 minutes for yourself. Now, in all honesty here, I did recognize that something was wrong or different feeling, but I did nothing about it. My situation is somewhat different from yours. I am not preaching and then not practicing; but for me, I approach my situations differently. I have to. My anxiety does not cause fights or discord in my family; they do however, cause discord for me and me alone.
I didn't act on my feelings last night as we did not even have a chance to consider going to the concert. I would have talked to Krystle and told her how I was feeling. But for me? Firstly, I have to try to find the route of the problem or "anxiety". I have to "backtrack" and figure out what has gotten me from point A to point B right now. That doesn't mean that you cannot do this either, I'm just telling you how it works for me. Then and only then, am I able to tell Krystle what is wrong and why I think that it is. That is when she gives me her love and support. Have a great day.
Shawn
Thanks to some of you for questioning where I was and not blogging the last few days/weeks/months/years. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Everything has been fine for me on this end, I was working like a dirty bugger all of the last 10 days and now have been on 3 days off since Sunday. Just a couple of days off to refresh my mind and regroup my thoughts. So no, I wasn't neglecting myself or this blog, just enjoying a little down time. How is everyone doing? I am pretty good. We got a huge dump of snow here in Red Deer that hampered things a little bit for us. I won some tickets off of the radio to go down to Calgary and see The Trews, but since the RC's closed most of the highways down in certain areas and because it would've been just plain stupid to be out on the roads, we didn't go. Oh well. A little disappointing I know, but there will be other times.
Which leads me into this morning's blog. As you all know, we have been house hunting quite a bit in the last while. It has been a slight source of anxiety for me. It's just really frustrating in some regards and quite unsatisfying in others. We have yet to find a home that needs a bit of work, is decent and is priced right. So that has definetely caused some added tension to my mind. I think that that is pretty normal and that it kind of goes with what most of you would probably say about it as well. So add to that, we were going to go down to Calgary to The Trews concert. It was going to be at a smaller venue, so that would have been fine. But for some strange reason, I was antsy and anxious about it somewhat. Hmm, kind of weird if you ask me.
Was it going to be a change of scenery for me? Perhaps leaving our kids behind at our friends' house? Maybe it was the thoughts of being away from my safe place? Regardless of what it is or was, I found it quite funny that this was bothering me. Of course, it wasn't ha-ha funny, just weird, bizarre and different. I was going to be at the concert with Krystle. Was it all the people that were going to be there? Was it the temperature that might be in there? Again...I don't know what was making me feel anxious about it. Now, don't get me wrong; I did really want to go. Krystle and I love The Trews. Heck, the kids love The Trews. I was looking forward to going, but I did feel some anxiety over this. I never did tell Krystle this, but I'm 99.9% sure that she would have heard about it on our way down to Calgary last night. I know she would have heard about it.
So what am I getting at today? I think that it is quite simple. Again, no matter if you have a mental illness or not; sometimes in life we are unable to pinpoint what is bothering us. Could it be house hunting? Yep. How about our kids doing poorly in school? Yep. (Mine are not by the way, just an example.) How about that fight we had with our spouse? Yep. It doesn't take much to throw our "balance" out of whack. It takes a lot to reel it back in, but not a lot to throw it out. So even though I am sitting here writing this for myself, for you; I cannot tell you what threw my balance out. I cannot tell you what brought about those feelings. The point this morning is to RECOGNIZE them at the very least. Talk to someone. You don't need to have an illness to talk to your friend or spouse or family member.
As long as you are recognizing that something doesn't feel quite right, or as I like to put it "I'm feeling a little off today", I think that you are ahead of the game in realizing that you are just a human being and that life can get very busy or full for us at certain times of our lives. Talking to someone about feeling the way that you do is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, I feel that you are very strong. You are taking the time to acknowledge that you are not feeling like your regular old self. Before something stupid really sets you off and you blow up at your kids or start a huge fight with your spouse, you are recognizing that you need to take 5 minutes for yourself. Now, in all honesty here, I did recognize that something was wrong or different feeling, but I did nothing about it. My situation is somewhat different from yours. I am not preaching and then not practicing; but for me, I approach my situations differently. I have to. My anxiety does not cause fights or discord in my family; they do however, cause discord for me and me alone.
I didn't act on my feelings last night as we did not even have a chance to consider going to the concert. I would have talked to Krystle and told her how I was feeling. But for me? Firstly, I have to try to find the route of the problem or "anxiety". I have to "backtrack" and figure out what has gotten me from point A to point B right now. That doesn't mean that you cannot do this either, I'm just telling you how it works for me. Then and only then, am I able to tell Krystle what is wrong and why I think that it is. That is when she gives me her love and support. Have a great day.
Shawn
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