Oct.16/12

Hey Oh...
   Evening to you all. How is everyone doing this evening? I am fairly well this evening. How is everyone getting along with their "new" schedules? Of course, by new I mean the kids back in school, dance classes, hockey starting and so on and so on...Things are pretty good in the Metcalfe household. They of course have already begun to get busy, but that is a good thing. Nice to have some purpose sometimes and something to look to. My kids have been pretty busy with school already and their dance classes. Probably around January it will get a little busier as Gabriel wants to get into a karate class or something like that; swimming lessons for both and skating lessons again. Man, I either better start getting paid more money or I better get another job!
   So as I mentioned a blog or two ago, I have set a goal for myself to race next summer in the Spartan Race in Calgary. In order to do that, I of course need to start training and getting myself back into shape. I've enlisted the aid of my best brother, friend and buddy, Doug to help me get on track. He's going to help me out with some good exercises and try to aid me in changing some eating habits. The easiest part of this is going to be changing the eating habits. We/I eat pretty healthy here at home and don't do a whole lotta junk. We eat plenty of veggies and fruits, limit the sugar intake, eat a good chunk of proteins and try not to go crazy on the breads. The exercise part I think is going to be difficult for me.
   Why is that? Well, the obvious reason is that I am out of shape and getting back into it will be a little hard on the body. But, the obvious answer is not always the right one. In this case, I am more anxious about being anxious than anything. I've been worried, well not worried, but have thought about how sweating, bringing up the heart rate, increasing the breathing would be on my mind. Whenever I get jacked up I am very susceptible to an anxiety attack. Lucky me, eh?! Anyways, I had not gotten to the gym yet until this evening. Wow, waiting a bit to get going eh? No. Just with school starting up and everything else getting going, September wasn't the ideal month to get started. And with 10 months to go before the race, I still have/had lots of time to get started.
   So I went to the gym this evening. I have a feeling that I am going to be a little bit sore come tomorrow, but that is all good. I didn't go crazy or anything there, but I think that just the beginning of doing the exercises is the killer. It will take a day or two to get back in the groove of things and until then, I am sure that I will be in a little bit of agony. Okay, maybe not agony, but I'll definitely feel it. The point of all of this is that I started this evening AND I really didn't have any anxiety build up. I was actually surprised. Now, I did have a little 30 second feeling of anxiety when I couldn't catch my breath right away. But with breath like mine, I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't catch it. waka-waka-waka...Seriously though, I slowed down on the treadmill for a minute or two, got my deep breathe and got back at it.
   I don't know if any of you have heard this before and you probably have; but people who go to the gym regularly or work out regularly, always say that they feel really good after doing so. I have had this feeling before and I must say that I have it again this evening. I DO feel good after going and working out. I only walked the track and then went on the treadmill, but I did a solid 45 minutes of walking. I would really like to encourage those of you who follow my blog and struggle with a mental disability, to get back into the gym or out on the sidewalk getting some exercise. Not only are there mental attributes, physically you are doing your body good. Especially to some of my over-weight friends, and I am NOT singling you out because I am overweight too, get to the gym. You don't need a trainer or any of that crap. Go to the gym and see how many people support you there. Everyone will give you a huge pat on the back and tell you that you're doing great.
   They might not physically give you a pat on the back, but they will for sure be thinking it. Anyways, just wanted to share with you my one night of going to the gym and how it affected me. It was good and will continue to get better. Again, set a goal for yourself as I did and work toward the goal. I know you can do it!!

September 30/12

Evening All...
   Well, its been a few weeks since I was last on here and it seems like it was just yesterday. I have had a busy few weeks. Between my Grandma passing away, work, friends and friends in need, my family and school starting up, where has the month gone? I have a few things beside the passing that have tested my mettle over the last little bit, but haven't taken any Ativan for anything. Yeah, me! So where should I start? Well, the funeral went off without a hitch for me. There was still alot of crap that went on there without really going on. Let's just say that some family members were left out of a few things and it left a bad taste in my mouth, but we made it. I was pretty anxious about driving down there and seeing people that I hadn't seen for awhile especially after my family history, but as I said, it went without a hitch for me. I was really mostly anxious that I was going to get angry with someone and the beast was going to be out of the cage.
   I have gotten to throw in a little bit of fishing while working, so that has been nice. I have been going and trying out waterholes here and there while I have been to this area or that one. But my anxiety has popped up a bit during those times too. I have felt alone or anxious about being somewhere new, but once getting into the swing of things, I have calmed down fairly quickly. So that too has been good for me. Today was a real new one for me that I experienced. I borrowed Doug's canoe from him so that I could actually get out on some water and fish as opposed to fishing from the banks all the time. I had Gabriel with me today to go fishing with and this was going to be only his second or third time out on the water. I was a little bit anxious about it and wasn't sure how it was going to all play out.
   When we got to the lake, there was a little bit of wind coming across that was making some waves. Needless to say, G-man wasn't having any of that. I canoed us out about 100ft from shore or so when he said that he didn't want to be out there and could we go back in and go home. We didn't end up going home but stayed and fished from the dock. Not quite what I wanted to do, but at least I was fishing. Anyways, as I said, I was anxious about going out and doing something new. It struck me as we were driving there that I have never been the "captain" of a boat; let alone one with my child in it with me. I think that somewhere inside I was anxious for him I guess. I'm not sure. But the anxiety didn't last long and left fairly quickly again.
   We have also had a few additions to our family over the weekend. A family friend of ours and her kids are here. They are going to be possibly moving back to Red Deer and needed to get out of their city for a day or two. As I have said before on here, it is not my place to tell someone's story or gossip here. I will not tell all the juicy details, just enough to let you figure it out. In this case, I don't have too. Why would someone leave their house with their belongings to get a new start somewhere? Hhhhmmm, I wonder. Anyways, we have been helping them out and it has created some anxiety on a real small level. Again, as I have said before, when your schedule or life or plans change on you, especially for someone with a mental illness, it is very easy to feel that a wrench was thrown in to the mix. It creates some confusion in the mind. I wouldn't have it any other way though as they need our help and are going to get it.
   So in a sense, it is really good that they are here, because it is challenging me to accept the things that cannot change or create clamour in my mind. And so far, so good. I guess the main thing that I am getting at tonight is to keep on keeping on. Keep challenging yourself and perservering though whatever is creating an obstacle for you. Find a way to get around it and move on. Deal with what you can when you can. Take all of those little steps that you need to get to the bigger issue. Don't focus on every task at hand, pick one, tackle it and move on to the next step.
   Sometimes I feel like a broken record on here. I tell you all the same things over and over again. But these things are what we forget all the time. An issue comes up and all of a sudden we are questioning how we are going to get through it. It doesn't matter whether you are a writer, a banker, an athlete, a fireman or have a mental disease. We will have challenges to face. Some will be more difficult than others and some, you will not even bat an eye at. But they are out there. Are you going to face them or run away? Make a decision and stick with it. It might be the wrong decision, but it is a step in the right direction.
   Again, I apologize to you for not being on here on a regular basis. I try my best and that is all I am going to ask of myself. If you would like more, please don't hesitate to order my cd's online. hahahahaha, just kidding. Anyways, have a great night, good sleep and a great day tomorrow. Take your baby steps!!!
  

Sept.9/12

Good Morning,
   How is everyone doing this morning? For those of you who follow my blog, you are probably surprised to see a new post so quickly after my last one. Well, I always try to blog here when something goes down that I can share with you, Joe Public. If you're a lady, then you are Joelene Public. lol. Anyways, as some of you might have seen via my Facebook status updates, I did have something go down that I felt was worth blogging about. My Grandma Metcalfe just passed away on Friday evening around 8:30pm. Something that I have been writing about and talking about for a few months here has finally taken place. Someone that I know has passed away since I developed this anxiety disorder. So how am I feeling about this??
   Well, I must admit that I have some mixed emotions about it. I am saddened of course that this happened, but I am also a little indifferent about it as well. To give you a little backround on this situation, I have to go back before I was even a thought in my Dad's mind. My Dad grew up in a terrible home with a father who did not treat him well in ANY way. When my Dad was old enough to get out of the house, he left. About 5 years later, he met my Mom and a few years after that, I came around. My Dad never had any sort of good relationship with his Dad/my Grandpa and for that matter, never a very good relationship with his Mother and Sisters.
   This has or had continued all these years and is still going on today. Some members of my Dad's side of the family have always had disdain or anger or hatred or whatever towards my family, including my Mom, my sister and me. We don't really associate with them and they with us. So needless to say, this has affected my relationship with that side of my family also as I am and will always be loyal to my Mom and Dad. I will always take their side and stand up for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting here typing without blame or innocence. I am not saying that I or we have never done anything wrong. We could have been the bigger person MANY times and picked up the phone, etc. But neither have they.
   So the point of telling you all that, is to explain my sadness and my indifference to this situation. Do I regret not getting to spend a lot of time with my Grandma? Of course I do. Do I miss our conversations about CFL and NFL football? Of course I do. Do I regret not getting to tease my Grandma about different things? Of course. There are many things that I will miss about her. Even though I did not spend a whole lot time around her in the last 3 or 4 years, I still loved her very much. If you read my blogs here or know me, you should know that I am a very compassionate person with a lot of love in my heart. I may not necessarily like the way that someone treats me or the way that they treat someone close to me, but I still love them.
   There are family members in my life on my side and Krystle's side that I definately do not like right now, but if they called in the middle of the night with a problem, that would be put aside and I would get my ass in gear to help them out. Why? Because I still love them and that is just who I am. So I must admit that I have had some issues liking my Grandma for the last few years, but I still really loved her. She taught me a few really cool things. We talked about music, football, hockey and sports in general. She had terrible knees and a broken down body as I do, that we had in common. And she was still my Grandma. I know that she loved me and that she was a great lady to me. I was not around when all the things went down with my Dad, so it really has nothing to do with me. She was always good to me.
   I think that my indifference to the whole thing is that we weren't or haven't been that close for the last few years. It is actually quite easy to not feel a TON of pain right now. I have laid awake the last few nights thinking about this and that. Could I have done things differently or could I have been the bigger person many a day and just went with it? Should I have done that? Maybe, maybe not. Because I am only 39 or have a belly or work with the rigs, should I not deserve some respect also? Should we always have to like people whether or not they give us the respect that we deserve? Krystle's Opa gives me the utmost respect and I give it right back to him. Just because you are older than me, does not mean that I do not deserve your respect, right? Even if you think that I am wrong on that one, I don't care because it is how I feel and my opinion.
   And I guess that this is where the topsy turvy feelings come into play over this. I DO have some regrets and I DO wish that things had been different. But it is not ALL on my shoulders. It should be equally split. The crappy thing is that I am still alive and having to deal with these feeling and thoughts, she is not. So where do I stand on this? Well, I think the bottom line is that I have lost someone that was in my life. They may not have been as close to me as say Doug or my cousin, Chantel. But they were still in my life and I was still "associated" with them. She was the matriarch of this family whether or not you had a relationship with her or liked her. And she was still my Grandma. See that's the funny thing about life. We might hate our parents or our sibling. We might hate our cousins, aunts or uncles or grandparents. But, guess what? They are still and will always be your family. You can change your name, get a facelift, move to Timbuktu and denounce everything that you know; those people will still be your family. They still bore you, raised you, played with you, watched over you, prayed with you, blessed you, took you to school, took you to sports practices and wiped your butt...that will never change.
   My heart is tore up a little bit. I will be attending the funeral with or without any other family members from my immediate clan. I will be walking in there with my head held high and my heart in the right place. I will be respectful and not try to start anything (please believe me that there is a TON more to this story that I am not sharing here). I will be there to represent my family if no one will. And I will miss my Grandma. Weird eh? You don't spend a lot of time with someone in the last while and when they're gone, they're gone. I have two songs playing over and over in my mind since learning that she passed away and both are from two totally different spectrum's of music. One line is from an old 80's hair band, Cinderella. That line is "Don't know what ya got, till its gone". The other is from Garth Brooks, who I hope needs no introduction. That line is "if tomorrow never comes".
   I don't think I really need to explain or digress any more on either of those lines; they should both be pretty self explanitory. Anyways, this blogging thing is always some "therapy" for me and I wanted to use this medium to get a few things off of my chest that I was and am feeling. I don't think that my feelings are going to go away any time soon. I don't think that tomorrow morning I am going to wake up and everything will be better. I will continue to question myself as to whether I did the right thing in regards to my relationship with my Grandma. I will continue to question myself as whether or not I did the wrong thing in regards to my relationship with my Grandma. Will those questions ever be answered? I'm sure that eventually I will come to some sort of peace over this. I am sure that eventually I will not feel any remorse or regret over the way some things were handled. I am sure that in time, there will only be really good memories and no painful ones.
   I also feel that with this being "new" to me with the anxiety disorder, it too shall pass in time. One of the really funny things about having this anxiety disorder, is that I get to question anything and everything. Analyzing it over and over, questioning everything and asking all the what if questions. So where do I go from here? How do I even end this blog today? To both of those questions I can honestly say that, I have no idea. This is new territory that I am in. I think that in a bit of time, these questions will answer themselves. Until then, I just have to deal with this and move on with life.

September 5/12

Good Evening Friends and Family,
   How are you all doing this evening? I am well. Wow! School's back in session eh? Is it just me or did that summer seem to fly by? Weather is also slowly starting to change which always reeks havoc on my mental well being which we will get into tonight. But, sad to see the leaves starting to change and feel the coolness in the air. So lets get right into it. The weather change. Every year since I have had this anxiety disorder, I get all screwed up for sure twice a year. Once in the fall before winter arrives and once in the spring before summer arrives. Here's my thinking. Summer is fading away, the days are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping. Uh-Oh, how am I going to cope with the winter? How will I deal with the shorter days and longer darkness? How will manage to survive the cold temperatures? Oh no, its going to be cold and not nice and sunny. I can't go to the lake and swim or ski. I can't enjoy a beer on my deck with my shirt off. This is NOT good.
   Then, when then spring rolls around I start to ask the opposite questions. What am I going to do if it gets to hot? I'm not going to have my automatic air conditioner any more to cool me down when I am feeling anxious. There's going to be to much sun. Hockey season will be starting to wind down. How will I deal with the longer days and less darkness? WHAT??? Huh?? Does this make ANY sense at all to anyone? Me neither. But in talking to a few other friends that have a mental illness, they experience the same type of feelings which is nice to know others have my same issues. The really weird thing of this? Once the season gets rolling and I am into the heart of it, it doesn't bother me at all. As I have said before, it is a change. I truly believe that it is just a change that causes all of this.
   So what can we do? Well, as I do birdhouses, find something to take up your time. I also pretend to play the bass so that helps me out as well. Going to the gym is also a really good way to burn up some calories and relieve some stress. Take some baby steps as "Bob" says. Anyways, that was on my mind yesterday and today and I wanted to address it. Now...I had a really cool breakthrough and thought in the last few days. As I was talking about taking the Ativan no matter what last week, it got me to thinking about the cuckoo bin. Show of hands. How many of us have ever thought that we would like to spend time in the nut bar bin? How many of us hoped that maybe we one day would? How many of us questioned our sanity and whether or not we would "fit" in there? Lastly, how many of us think that we would look stupid or weak or insufficient or terrible or bad or whatever?
   What? No one raised their hands? Really? Wow. I thought we all wanted that. Of course, the truth is that we would never want that to happen to us, right? No one wishes that they had a mental illness or that they would get the oppurtunity to spend time in the cuckoo motel. BUT...it can or could happen right? What is the worst thing that could happen if that happened to you? Obviously, I cannot answer that question for you, I can only answer for myself. And this is where my cool breakthrough came into focus for me. No, I do not want to be in the bin. No, I do not want to feel that I was unable to beat this things ass. But, it could happen to me. And?? I'm quite fine with that. The other day when I was worried about the season change coming on, I joked to myself and said that I could spend the winter doped up on Ativan or tranquilizers and hey, look at that. A new season is here.
   It got me to thinking that what if that happened to me? As far as looking after my family, well, that would be difficult. Don't get me wrong here. I love my wife and kids more that my life itself and I would lay my life down to save theirs. But I am no good to them if I cannot cope with my mental illness. How can I provide for them if I cannot provide for myself? It kind of boils down to me looking out for number one. Again, not trying to put myself ahead of Krystle and the kids, but you do have to do that in a sense with a mental illness. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I have no issues if and when the time should come that I need to be put in the looney bin. I have decided to accept the fact that that could happen to me and my family. I have decided that if I need the Ativan, I am going to take it and in that vein, if I need to be admitted, then I am going to take it.
   Lastly tonight, I want to tell you about a goal I have set for myself. There is a race called the Spartan Race. It is a 5km intense obstacle course. There is barbed wire, mud, hills, walls to climb over etc., etc. The next race in Calgary is August 17th, 2013. As some of you know, I am turning 40 next year in January. I want to do this race and show myself that the "old man" still has it. So, I have enlisted the help of my best friend Doug to help me start to train for this race. Now, I have lost about 12lbs on my own here this year, but I need to lose more. I also need to bring up the cardio quite a bit. This is going to be a really good thing for me. Not only will it aid in my losing more weight, but I will be able to show myself and the world that I can do this. The biggest challenge for me is going to be doing the exercises and running. The obvious answer is that I'm overweight and of course doing exercises and running will be a challenge to begin. But that is not the answer. The real reason is that when my heart rate starts to climb, I am in a very weird state where an anxiety attack is much easier to come on as I am already jacked up and it doesn't take my mind long to follow suit.
   So, I have just under a year to get myself in shape and prove myself. Not to anyone, but to me. And that allows me to challenge you tonight. Set a goal for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big one. Crossing a bridge by a certain time if bridges scare you. Climbing up to a height if heights scare you by a certain time. Hold a spider by a certain time. Either way, whatever it is, I encourage you to challenge yourself as I am doing. Take care, love your families and we will talk again soon!
Shawn

August 26/12

Evening to you all...
   How is everyone doing this evening? I apologize for not being around here the last while. Work has been busy, holidays have been taken and to be quite honest, I have been doing pretty good. So the evenings when I would have been able to blog, I really didn't have anything profound or intelligent to say. Well wait a minute, I always have something intelligent to say, just not regarding my anxiety disorder. But tonight is the last night of holidays for me and I figured that I owed you a posting here. I actually have a few things to say tonight, so hold on to your lug nuts, its time for an overhaul! I hope that you have all had as an enjoyable summer as I/We have. We got to visit with some very good friends from the coast, went to a wedding, out to Kamloops to visit the in-laws and we had some really great weather. Unfortunately, the nice weather is on its way out the door and our favorite time of year is quickly approaching. Yes, the w word. Somebody had to say it here...
   So I went and saw my doc last week about my meds and how they are working for me. I gotta be honest, pretty darn good, but I am and was feeling that I needed just a bit of a tweak on them. So I have been bumped up to 125mg of Zoloft now. As I told Krystle, I'm just not quite feeling all there yet. I'm doing my work on my own that I need to but, the meds just aren't cutting it, or weren't anyways. I've still been having some real struggles with the thought of someone near and dear passing away on me or my dog passing away. I have been trying to cope with those thoughts and how I will handle that day when it comes. I'm not morbid and don't think about it everyday, but I must admit it crosses my mind from time to time. I have also been struggling with the leaving of my comfort zone to go on a holiday somewhere. The thought of getting on a plane scares the crap out of me. This past weekend we went to Medicine Hat for a visit and wedding. We've lived there before and I have travelled that road many, many times but, I was anxious about that drive, staying at Krystle's grandparents house and being in a "different" town for a "new" experience. Weird eh?
   It has only been a week now that I have upped the meds, but I am hoping that it does the trick for me in the end. I also had a really cool thought this past week regarding Ativan. Now, I know that awhile ago I blogged about talking an Ativan and how it bothered me to take one. How it made me feel somewhat more anxious. Some of you either messaged me, facebooked me or BBM'd me and gave me crap about not taking it. I didn't take anything personal from it and I was not offended that anyone gave me hassle about it. In fact, it made me feel good that some of you cared enough to say something regarding the taking of the Ativan. Anyways, this past week out of the blue, I was thinking about taking Ativan. Not because I needed one or anything like that, I was just thinking about it is all. I started to think back when I was anxious before how did I use the Ativan or cope with it back then. And I realized that I just took the damn thing! I didn't question it or wonder how it was going to affect me. I didn't wonder what the implications would be or anything like that. I just decided that I was not going to win this battle, so I would take the Ativan and live to fight another day.
   Huh. Well, that is not at all how my thinking is now. Now, my thoughts run wild about how this will affect me, what could happen to me, where will this put me and so on and so on and so on. I had a minor epiphany I guess. I didn't have any concerns with taking it, I just took it. So why does this bother me now? You know, I don't have an answer for you on that one. I don't know why my thinking has changed on it just that it has. So, I am going to try really hard here in the future to just take it if I need it. Please don't message me and say that you told me so or anything like that. You didn't tell me, I had to figure it out on my own and get down to the crux of the matter.It just felt really great to realize that and be able to move forward from there. I guess the point of me telling you that is this, how or why does our minds change or we forget things? Besides all the "getting old" jokes there are out there, I'd really like an answer to this one. But, I digress...
   As I said at the start here tonight, I have been feeling rather good lately. I did have a minor breakdown on the way to the Hat on Friday. Once again though, the super hero in plain clothes helped me out of it again. And yes, you all know her name...Krystle. This last week I also realized that my son was starting Kindergarten, my daughter is moving into Grade 2, we were getting a new dog when we came back from the Hat, work was starting again etc. The only constant thing here for me, was going back to work. Otherwise all of those things were; wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...changes! And how much does Shawn NOT like changes? Just a teeny bit. lol. Anyways, those changes along with driving down a desolate highway to a town where a few bad things happened to me and my family, added up to a nice little anxiety attack between Brooks and Bassano.
   I started to feel warmth in my groin, and not the good kind either, mildly dizzy, sweaty palms and warm armpits. Uh-Oh...this can't be good. I told Krystle right away and she really helped me through it well. She was as cool as a cucumber. On a side note, what the hell does that even mean? Cool as a Cucumber?? Well, too late now, we've used it...gotta go with it. Anyways, Krystle just calmly and quietly rubbed my back and changed the topic so fast it was great. She got my mind thinking and off of the panic/anxiety attack by asking me to "name 10 things that..." are chocolate bars; different cars, boys names, girls names, name the 50 states, different flowers, colors of the rainbow, shades of blue and so on. It worked great and before I knew it, I was calm and relaxed and we were pulling into Medicine Hat.
   Damn! I have the greatest wife and partner in the freaking world!!!!! Maybe next time that you are feeling anxious, get your significant other, friend, mom, sister or co-worker who knows what you are facing to try this with you. Maybe it will work for you and maybe it won't; but you won't know until you try it right? Well, I think that I am going to close for this evening. I have really missed doing this and I really enjoy all the emails, BBM's, Facebook messages and so on that I get from you all encouraging me to keep it up. Again, I am sorry for the tardiness as I have stated above, but it sure is great and fun to get back on here and pour out my thoughts and feelings to you all. Have a really great evening and I promise that I will do my best to be back here very soon. Take care of yourselves and love your families!

July 14/12

Good Evening to All,
   How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
   So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
   I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
   Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
   My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
   About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
   Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!

July 2/12

Good Evening...
   How was everyone's July 1st weekend? We had a pretty good weekend ourselves. Went out to Sylvan Lake and had a BBQ with some friends; set off some fireworks in their yard(which scared the crap out of Liliana LOL) and then walked down to the lake to watch the real fireworks. It was a really nice time. Would have liked to have gone camping and such, but I was on call and VERY busy. And speaking of busy...yesterday was an interesting day for me. The past 4 or 5 days, I have been super busy with work. I have been driving around 500kms a day on average and doing 4-5 hours of work a day. Really stressing out my body and mind by doing so. Saturday was a very long day for me. I drove about 640kms that day and had to do quite a bit of physical labor out at 2 different rigs while sloshing through the mud. I was very tired that evening when I arrived home. I had gotten home around 9pm that night. I had a shower and a bite to eat. I watched a bit of TV that night and didn't get myself into bed until around midnight.
   I had to be up yesterday(Sunday) morning at 05:00 to leave Red Deer around 6-6:30 that morning. I left here around 6:30 and got on the road to head towards Provost. I had about a 3hr drive to the rig, a 3hr service and then a 3hr return trip. It was free agent frenzy for the NHL, so I had that to listen to and my favorite news radio channel. On a side note...do any of you like to listen to talk radio when you are travelling alone? I really do because it feels like someone is in the vehicle with me talking to me. Anyways, I was about 2-2.5hrs into the journey when BANG, I got punched in the face by anxiety. My heart rate instantly went up, my palms got really sweaty, my groin got really hot and I started to feel lightheaded. I grabbed an elastic band and snapped myself about 15-20 times with no relief. I carry frozen water bottles in my lunch bag to keep my lunch cool, so I grabbed one of those and put it between my legs.
   Nope. That didn't work either. Soooooo, I grabbed for my trusty bottle of Ativan and popped one. For just a second, I was anxious about taking one as it had been so long since I relied on one. But, I took it anyways and then I made a phone call. It was around 8:30 when I woke Krystle up and told her what was going on for me. As usual, she was her calm, understanding self. She helped to alleviate my anxiety again along with the aid of the Ativan. She talked to me the rest of the way to the rig which was about another 30-45 mins away. Man, I love my wife!!!! She is THE greatest woman in my life, next to my mother. Anyways, I finally got to the rig and had definitely calmed down and felt better. I was still a little anxious feeling, but I really think that it was just some "aftershocks". I did up my work and then I started to head home.
   So there are two points to this story this evening that I want to visit. Firstly, the importance of getting enough rest/sleep. If you read any books at all on mental illness, one of the things that they mention is the importance of getting the proper amount of rest. As I have talked on here before, we are a go-go society. We don't take the time to stop and smell the roses along the way. It is VERY important to get the right amount of rest. Obviously, we all know our own bodies and how much rest we actually need or how much our bodies will let us have. But, it is recommended that we get between 6-8hrs of sleep each night. Ha. Good luck with that one!! Now, if you are like me and a bomb could go off and you would sleep through it, well...there's a pretty good chance that you will get your 8 hrs. If a feather flies through your bedroom and that wakes you up, pretty good chance you're not getting the 6 or the 8!
   But, resting or sleeping when you can and for proper amounts of time is crucial. I find that one of the times that I am very exposed to having an anxiety attack is when I have not gotten proper rest the night before or leading up to that night. For me for Saturday, I was physically exhausted and mentally spent. I only got 4.5-5hrs of sleep that night prior to yesterday morning. I also didn't get a ton of sleeps the 2 or 3 nights leading up to Saturday night. I was and had been pretty run down over the last few days, so I really feel that this was the biggest factor in my anxiety attack yesterday morning. Otherwise, there were no other triggers or reasons for this to happen. So, make sure that you are getting enough rest.
   My second point tonight has to do with the taking of the Ativan or any other drug, i.e Valium. Now, I don't know about all of the rest of you, but I am pretty proud of myself when I don't have to take an Ativan to cope with my mental illness. I am proud when I can do it all on my own without the assistance of any other meds, talking to Krystle or whatever it may be. I suppose that you could throw the elastic band method in there as well, I don't. To me, it is a real minor "treatment". Using Krystle to relax myself or the Ativan is more major to me. But, that's just me. Anyways, the point is that yesterday I felt mildly anxious taking the Ativan. It had been more than a year since I last took one. I was and am proud of that. I have never wanted to rely on medication or drugs to cope with life. I obviously have in my past, but I am 12yrs drug free and keeping it that way. So why the anxiety over taking a medicine to help you cope with your anxiety?
   Well, I suppose that I feel somewhat of a failure for having to do that. I feel that I let my family down, myself down and others around me. But the reality is, I didn't let anyone down. Myself included. Was I or am I disappointed that I had to take an Ativan to get through the anxiety attack? You bet your sweet ass I am or was! I am disappointed that I had to take one. But, here's the funny part of that. THAT is what the Ativan is FOR! That's what your doctor prescribed it to you. To help you cope with your disorder, get through the rough days and patches. So my point is this; Don't get down on yourself if you do need to take an Ativan. If your coping skills are not working the way that they should and you have exhausted all other measures to get through that attack, then take the damn pill! Don't beat yourself up over it. As long as you are not abusing the medication and taking it properly, then you have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of guilt over it.
   This is easy to say of course and if you are like me, you might feel some trepidation towards it. But you really shouldn't. Take a deep breath, slap that blue pill under your tongue and wait for the magic to happen! So remember to get some good rest and never feel bad that you have a mental disorder that might cause you to take a medication to calm yourself down. Have a good evening. Love yourself and your family!

June 19/12

Evening...
   Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
   We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
   So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
   I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
   As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
   Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
   My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
   I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.

June 13/12

Evening All...
   How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
   I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
   So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.

                                       You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

   I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!

June 5/12

Morning to You...
   How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even  though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
   I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
   There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
   I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
   Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn

May 10/12

Evening to you...
   Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
   If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
   This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
   The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
   So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
   Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
   I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn

May 8/12

Evening to Everyone,
   I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
   Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
   I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
   But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
   No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
   So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
   Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!

May 3/12

Evening to you,
   How is everyone this evening? I am doing fairly well...thanks for asking. How has your weather been this week? Ours has not been so stellar here in Red Deer. We have had quite a bit of rain this week. Not like 20 inches or anything like that; just cool, wet weather. But, on the positive side of things, that's what helps the grass to get greener. Now, if we could only get some sunshine, that would be great. So, I have gained a few new followers this week and into last week also. It has been nice having some new followers and new readers. Maybe they will liven the rest of you up! Just kidding. Don't leave now, I need all the followers that I can get! lol. Anyways...so this week has been pretty good so far for me. I've had a few ups and downs, but I have managed to get through them and come out on top.
   As you should all know by now, Mr. Rubberband and I have a very close relationship. I also have a close relationship with Mrs. Air Conditioning, Mr. Ice Pack, Mrs. Less Clothing Keeps You Cool and Mr.Ativan. This are some of my favorite friends. I rely on them regularly. But this week, I have neglected them and that is a good thing. Whenever I am able to not use these "tools", it means that things are going well for me. I take full advantage of their "friendship" with me and use them to the fullest. It is amazing to me how our mindset's can change how we are feeling or how we percieve what is going on around us. So the bottom line for me tonight, is that I am doing pretty good.
   Now, someone that I have just "met" through my blog and via Facebook, is having an entirely different experience at this time. This person has always had some sort of an anxiety disorder but it was just diagnosed last year for them. They started on some medicine but did not like the way that they felt. They just happened upon my blog and we have started to become friends. I have not offically met this person or anything like that, but we have been talking via the phone, email, Facebook etc. I think that this person has a lot going for them and that things will work out for them. They just started back on the meds and I have been doing my best to help them out in whatever way that I am able to.
   Also this week, yesterday actually, another athlete took their life. That athlete was Junior Seau. He was a football player in the NFL for many years and a damn good one to boot. I believe that he has been retired for a year or so now, or was anyways. He shot himself in the chest. It is not known whether or not he was suffering from any sort of depression or anxiety. The questions surrounding his death are exactly that. Questions. No note was left or anything. Speculation is that is was either depression OR he was "depressed" about not being in the limelight anymore, not playing football, not getting that rush that comes with pro sports. I don't know. Of course, I am inclined to lean towards that he was battling some sort of depression and that was why he took his life.
   So why am I telling you about this new person that I met or about Junior Seau? What do the two have in common? Well, its simple actually and they have a lot in common. First and foremost...we have people everyday in our lives that are battling demons that we have not a clue about. We as a society live in our own little world oblivous to those around us. This is not a bad thing, its just human nature. How do you know that your significant other is not suffering from depression or anxiety? How do you know that you are not? Maybe you or they feel a little bit "off". Maybe they or you are contributing this feelings to some changes in your lives or the seasons or their job. Its no big deal right? They're gonna snap out of it. It isn't until it is too late in some cases that we realize that there was more going on than what we first thought. Look at your own life. Are you feeling down? Is work or the kids stressing you out more than usual? I am not here to suggest that we all head in to the doctor tomorrow morning and get prescribed some meds cause we are having a bad day. Although, there are some really good meds out there! LOL.
   What I am suggesting is, take an inventory of your life when times have gotten you down. Maybe you are suffering from some mild depression or anxiety. Maybe you just need to get your poop in a group or maybe you need some counseling. Whatever. Just make sure that you are looking after yourself and recognizing when you do need some help. The other part of this? DO NOT be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. Look at me. I'm writing a freaking blog telling the world about my crap. lol Anyways, please look after your mental health.  Now secondly, I kind of answered it a bit already. Anyone of us can get or have some depression or anxiety of post-traumatic stress disorder. We are, after all just human. Remember that mental illnesses affect 1 in 4 people. Some of it mildly, some of it quite extensively. But take a look at these two totally different people. Again please remember that I don't know for sure that Junior Seau actually had depression, but let's assume that he did. These are two people that come or came from two totally different backgrounds. Led two totally different lives and had or have two totally different goals in life.
   I have no doubt in my mind that mental illnesses can attack anyone, anywhere and anytime. It does not matter that you did not play any contact sports or ever suffer a concussion. It does not matter that you never did drugs or ever drink. I don't know the how's or the why's; I just know that like me, there are many sufferers out there in the world. Some are strong, some are weak. I just want you to take care of yourselves and the others in your lives. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through the "pain" that I go through. Anyways, I am starting to ramble now and lose my train of thought. Have a good evening and love your families!!

April 30/12

Evening To All,
   I trust that all of you are doing well this evening. A hearty hello to some new followers here on my blog and a thank you to you for reading and following my drivel. So this evening I actually have some idea of what I would like to talk about. Weird eh? lol Anyways, I have had a few interesting days over the last week. I believe that I mentioned to you last week that we were in the middle of buying a house and that it fell through for us which of course lead me to have a really nice feeling of panic. So carrying over into this week and the end of last week my anxiety has still been quite high. After we decided to not get the house and that we were going to stay right where we were at, we then decided that it was definitely time to get some new furniture, beds, a new desk and a new BBQ. All of these things create some change for me, obviously. I find it absolutely amazing that some change has really bothered me and ramped up my anxiety. These little changes in our household really cause me to feel anxious. And why is that? Obviously I cannot speak for all of those who have a mental illness, but I can speak to having an anxiety disorder.
   It is exactly that; change. We/you/me whoever get very acustomed to and comfortable in our day to day lives. We eat the same foods for breakfast; we wear the same clothes, same jacket; we travel the same route to and from work everyday; we go to the same coffee shop everyday and we have our favorite/comfortable spot on the couch to watch TV or read a book. I have a challenge for you. Just change up a few things in your life and see how you like it. How do you feel when you have guests over at your house and someone sits in your chair or your spot on the couch? How do you feel when you have to drive a different route to or from work? Can you feel that right now as you read this? Good. Now multiply that by about a 100 and you will understand how I or someone with a mental illness feels when changes happen in our lives.
   Now, don't get me wrong; changes are very good for us. They force us to challenge our beliefs, our thought processes and so on and so on. It is a GOOD thing to challenge yourself in this way. It is good to feel a little uncomfortable. It leads you to a better place. It makes you realize that you can accomplish things, that you don't have to sit in your same spot over and over again to feel comfortable. With a little prayer or the use of your toolbox, you can overcome these things that scare the crap out of you. Of course, this is way easier to type or talk about when one isn't feeling anxious about these changes; but it is the truth. The other truth about this? You will revert back to your old ways even if you are able to overcome those challenges. I know that I sure do!!
   Now another thing this evening...I had an interesting day yesterday work wise. I ended up having to drive down to Calgary and get a few new hoses for one of my rigs. And if you have been reading this blog, I will let you guess which rig I had to take them to. Yep, the one without any phone service. Yeah, lucky me. But, I drove down to Calgary with no issues. I met up with one of my supervisor's at the shop, got the hoses and headed out on my way. If you recall, I have to drive West of Sundre and then South about 100kms. Instead of driving back up to Sundre and then over, I decided that I would head West to Cochrane and then go NW on the forestry trunk road to the rig as it is only about a 100kms from Calgary that way. All was going well for me. I went past Cochrane and jumped onto the forestry trunk road. I had phone service for a good chunk of the way as well.
   I was talking to Krystle and then I lost phone service. I fully expected this and was prepared this time. But that wasn't what threw me over the edge. I was driving on a totally new road to me, that was very closed in with trees on both sides of me. The road had many sharp curves and switchbacks in it. I suddenly felt very alone and isolated with no phone service. No one knew where exactly I was or how I was doing. The panic set in on high alert. I turned on my air conditioning to high blast, snapped the crap out of my wrist and repeated on of my mantra's, "In the name of Jesus, give me peace." I just kept repeating it over and over. Eventually, things started to calm down for me and I was able to calm myself even more by taking some deep breathes. I also flexed my muscles as hard as possible to try and relax myself that way. Everything came to a grinding halt and I started to relax.
   Once I got to my road that leads to the rig, I felt this HUGE weight fall off of my shoulders. Now obviously I did it and I managed to get through it, even though I did not like it. But these are the things that I have mentioned on here numerous times. You have to find the small victories and cherish them. You have to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Take some pride in your accomplishments; whether they are mentally illness related or just in your day to day life. Again, its really easy to write about these things when you are not panicked right out; but once the panic or anxiety has gone away; take the time to realize that you did a good thing, you got through it and you are a better person for it. Have a great evening...talk to you all soon.

April 27/12

Morning to you...
   Well, well, well. A lot has been going on since my last blog. Again, I apologize to you loyal followers who are wondering where and when I will be blogging again; work has been busy still, we were looking for a house, having inspections done, furniture shopping, dealing with family issues and to top it all off, I have been having to battle through some anxiety. So busy, busy. Once again as well...I have no idea where to start. Oh, I know. Last week I had to make a trip down to Calgary to my office to re-stock my truck. I didn't have to go down there, but I had nothing else going on and I get a field day when I do that. I was on my way down there and feeling quite a bit of anxiety. For whatever reason, I am unsure as to why I was feeling the way that I was; but I was none the less.
   I was well prepared to turn around and come home that day. I told Krystle that I would just come home and go down to the cuckoo bin for a therapy session. She refused to let me turn around and come home. She got mad at me and told me to work through this crap. "Have your own self therapy session", she said. So with great disdain for this, I went ahead to Calgary. I was pretty much anxious all the way into town, but I made it and I did it. I forced myself to get there. I forced myself to take on the challenge and I overcame it. Of course and obviously, I did not do this alone. I did it with the help of my number one support partner. Without her, I easily would have given up. I cannot stress the importance of having good support for your mental illness or any illness for that matter!
   So that was a great accomplishment for me. The rest of last week was kind of a kick in the junk, work wise. I made a pretty big mistake last week that could have very well costed me my job. Thankfully, I am still doing a good job there, I have a great attitude, no driving infractions and I am constantly asking questions about everything. On Sunday afternoon, I got a text message from one of my bosses telling me to be in Calgary for Monday at 1pm. If you have read this blog at all, you know that I have had this request before and it did not feel very good at all. I was quite anxious about this "meeting" on Monday. Surprisingly enough, I actually had a good sleep that night but was very anxious driving into Calgary again on Monday. I had my meeting at 1pm and did not lose my job, but got into some pretty good ka-ka.
   Needless to say, my emotions ran the gauntlet in those 24hrs. Which led us into this week here. We put another offer in on another house. The offer was accepted and we had our inspection on Wednesday evening. The inspection went fairly well with only a few issues that Krystle and I were concerned about. Yesterday, we met with our realtor to tell him of this. We had a few requests that we wanted taken care of before we would assume possession of this house. Last night at around 6pm, we found out that we were going to meet all of our requests for this home. As soon as our realtor said that once we signed it was final, I panicked. I started to get really anxious and really uncomfortable. Now, some of you are going to say that that is pretty normal to feel some anxiety with buying a new house. I absolutely agree with you. I fully understand that. But my anxiety was coming from somewhere else that I could not place a finger on.
   Eventually last night, I came to the conclusion with Krystle's help that it was the pressure of buying this house that was causing me to feel the way that I was. Oddly enough, the pressure was just coming from us. We had and have looked at sooooooo many houses, we have put 4 offers in on 4 different places with no success until last night; last night being offer number 4. Krystle and I want a house so badly to call our own, that we placed needless pressure on ourselves. We were almost settling for a house that we maybe didn't want as badly as we thought. At least that's how it is for me. I know that Krystle has some different feelings toward this house, but I am just not feeling the same way. So after much thought and facing of the consequences, we decided that it was in our best interest to let it go. The consequences of course being that we might not get our deposit back, but Lord willing we will. If we don't, it is a lesson learned.  An expensive lesson, but a lesson regardless.
   So this morning, I am blogging with a really heavy heart. I feel really bad for my wife and my kids. I feel like I have let everyone down. I am the leader of this household (I actually don't have any power; Krystle and the kids have all the power!) and my family looks to me to lead. I failed in my leadership of them. I failed to recognize that this was not the house for me or for my family. I failed to see that we do not need to settle for second best. Mostly, I failed myself. I compromised my beliefs and my thought process into believing that everything was going to work out for the best. I am a little bit bummed out today and I am disappointed.
   The good thing of all of this? These feelings are not going to last forever. By a little later on today, they will have dissapeared and I will be back to normal. I also learned a thing or two here in this whole process. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am a simple man who has simple tastes in life. I publicly apologize to my family for leading them down the wrong trail. I am a big enough man to admit when I am wrong or when I was wrong and, I was wrong. This afternoon will get better as will tomorrow. Soon enough, I will be able to look back on this and laugh. Not right away of course, but eventually. If I can leave you with one thing today, be sure that you are sure of things in life. Whether it be a move, what class to take, what vehicle to buy...whatever it may be, be sure in life.

April 10/12

Evening to All,
   Wow! Look at me go! Almost two nights in a row here that I am blogging. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K! I trust that you are all doing well this evening and enjoying your families. Or at the very least, if you are in our household, you are enjoying that your kids are going to bed shortly! lol. Anyways, to begin with, we got our mortgage yesterday. What a totally stressful time that was. You have excellent credit, have never been delinquint on a bill, you have money put away in your savings account BUT, that does not matter. Your future is in the hands of some office guy/girl who will decide whether or not you can actually afford it. Thankfully though, we got it and now we just need our inspection to go through on Thursday and all will be good. Well, more gooder as my son says...
   So all of that being said, I was lucky enough to have another panic/anxiety attack yesterday morning. Part of it was my own fault though. I had to be out at a rig for 8am for a rig tear out. After I got there, I just wanted to get it all done. I wasn't in a hurry because there something else for me to do or somewhere else that I needed to be; I just wanted to finish it quickly. So I started to go hard on getting it tore out. About 45 minutes into the tear out, I realized that my heart rate had sped up quite a bit. Bad, bad idea. Well, at least realizing that it had sped up anyways. And of course, to be totally expected as I was going pretty hard plus I am incredibly out of shape.
   That of course lead to me starting to feel panic-ky. My anxiety levels started to climb up there on me and I suddenly was not having any fun. Here I am about an hour away from my comfort space, it is fairly warm outside, I have started to sweat like a pig and I am way over dressed not to mention it. I decided to take a 5 minute break in my truck and try to calm myself down. It started to work a little bit, but not fully to the extent that I would have liked it to. I also started to do some deep breathing to calm my mind that way but that did not work like I wanted it to either. So, I resorted to old faithful. I grabbed one of my elastics and snapped the crap out of my wrist until it was a deep pinky-red and my hand was vibrating from the pain.
   Man, that flipping hurts when I do that. But damn, does it ever work. My thinking totally got re-focused and my anxiety started to slip away. I went and finished tearing out the centrifuge and headed home. I think that I have mentioned it on here before, but I always try to find some small victory in my anxiety attacks. Yesterday's small victory was that I did not have to take an Ativan to calm myself down. Everyday that I do not have to take one to relax myself is a victory for me. Not because I am worried or concerned about getting addicted to them or anything like that, but it proves to me that I can use my toolbox to overcome my anxiety on a daily basis. I do not have to use medicines to overcome, I can use my mind to overcome my mind. Makes sense?
   The problem with having anxiety disorders or any other disorder is that your wiring in your brain is wired for full on flight or fight all of the time. It is very difficult to re-wire your thinking. The medications that one takes are to bridge that gap between the "synapses" in your brain. (Look at me using big words, eh?) They are mis-firing and need to be brought back together. Of course, medicine alone is not the cure all, end all. You need to use tools to make this work as well. Getting the proper amount of sleep or rest, exercising, eating right, attending meetings, writing a blog...whatever it may be. These need to be done on a daily basis. I am hoping that now that we have our mortgage that things will begin to settle down for me. I am still carrying around some anxiety, but as I have told Krystle, I feel that it is good anxiety. It is the anxiety of moving to a new home, taking on a new challenge, the excitement of moving to said home, having a way bigger bedroom and an ensuite.
   I am not feeling anxious in any sort of bad way, but it is still anxiety. It does leave the door open for me and allows my mind to feel weak. It allows me to feel weak. But as I have said before, I am not a quitter. I will not allow this anxiety to beat me. It will win a few rounds as will I. But in the end, I will come out on top. It is just a battle to get to the top, that is all.

April 8/12

Good Evening to All,
   A very good evening to all today. What a wonderful and special day that this is to all Christian believers as this is the day that the Lord defeated the devil with two sticks. I was lucky enough to spend and share this day with my family today and did not have to go out anywhere on a service call. We got to have a nice breakfast together, the kids and I spent a little time working in the garage with me fixing a few things. Got to have a nice nap and a great supper. Kids are in the tub now and Krystle is going through all of her scentsy stuff. Avon and Scentsy, next thing you know, she is going to want to pimp me out for home repairs or cutting people's lawns or something! lol Anyhows...how are you all doing? I trust that you had a wonderful day with your family or your friends.
   What a flippity flappity roller coaster week or last two weeks life has been for me. So many ups and downs, unbelievable. For starters, we put an offer in on the house that we really liked in Penhold and...they accepted our offer. We are just waiting for all of our mortgage stuff to go through and the inspection to be completed. If all is good and completed properly, we will be taking possession on May 25th. Krystle and the kids are pretty jacked up. Of course, I am as well. Been super busy with work still, which is really great to be working this late in the season and to not really have any sort of Spring Break-Up. Although quite a few of my rigs have definately shut down or at least slowed down, but hey...I am still busy enough and on call.
   We have also been busy with family stuff, friends stuff and the everyday trials of life. And on the other good positive note, my Vancouver Canucks made it to the playoffs, won the President's Trophy and begin their quest for Lord Stanley on Wednesday. Watching the final game of the season was an emotional roller coaster last night as well. So this evening, I wanted to tell you about the anxiety attack that I had last night. One of the things of having this anxiety disorder is that when life is a roller coaster ride, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that an anxiety attack is going to come  any time and anywhere. Where and when is unpredictable. But I always know that one is on its way at some point. Last night was that for me. And it really carried over into this morning as well.
   Last night I was playing a game on the computer around midnight and winding down from watching the hockey game. Shortly after midnight, I started to feel stomach ill and generally not well. I could feel and tell that I was in need of using the washroom. But prior to me getting to the washroom, my heart started to pound a little bit faster, my palms started to get a little moist as my hands started to shake and I was feeling a little bit dizzy and faint. I managed to get myself up to the washroom and entertain myself while using said facilities. The whole time I did my crossword to occupy my mind, my hands were trembling. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but one of my symptoms of the anxiety is a severely upset stomach. I will let you draw your own conclusions.
   Once my stomach calmed down, I removed myself from the washroom and headed to bed. Krystle was already sleeping so I did not have her to talk to and tell her about what was going on. My anxiety did not end there as I also started to have some chest pains. Was it gaseous or just from the anxiety? I have no idea, but I started to lose control of my mind as I invisioned a heart attack was coming on. I started to do some relaxation breathing and tensing of the muscles to help alleviate the tension. Finally, I started to relax and eventually went to sleep. But I was definitely not feeling well and still was dealing with the after effects. I am also always very drained after having said attacks.
   After I woke up this morning and had some breakfast with the family, I started to feel a little bit off again. I was feeling out of sorts. Some of it was aimed at the fact that we did not go to church this morning on one of the most important Sundays of the year. But I had a few really long 24hr days this last week that really screwed my sleeping schedule up. So I was kind of catching up with that and then of course, having the anxiety attack last night did not help out at all. I was also feeling kind of useless this morning and I wanted to feel like I had accomplished something. I did head out to the garage as I mentioned and fixed a few things for my wife and one thing for my Mom. So that brought a bit of closure for me in that regard.
   I used some of the tools in my toolbox today and changed some of my thinking around and eventually got over the anxiety. It took me awhile but I did it. I was also able to figure out the biggest factor contributing to my anxiety and that is that I am still concerned with my weight. I hate feeling fat or over-weight or pudgy or whatever you want to call it. I am really tired of struggling with my weight and not seeing any gains. Now being a few pounds over weight is not THAT big of a deal, but it is HUGE when you have an anxiety disorder. Your mind is allowed to go to bad places that put you in a bad frame of mind. You are picturing your family all alone without you, or being in the hospital or recovering from a stroke etc. Terrible places to be for an anxiety disorder.
   But I am feeling better this evening. I also helped out a little bit with our family friend who just had a loss. I reached out to her and gave her a few suggestions as to how to combat any stresses or to find someone to talk to. She has probably already had a few people give her some suggestions and where to reach out to, but it helped me to feel better. Please don't get me wrong, I didn't try to help her out to make myself feel better. I didn't try to help her out for any selfish reasons, I did it for her and her son. But, in doing that it helped to make me feel a little better for myself. So I guess that it was good that I reached out to her. Where do I go from here now?
   Well, tomorrow or Tuesday we will find out about the nuances of our mortgage and whether or not they are going to give us one. Krystle and I both feel confident in this and our credit is in excellent shape, but don't count your chickens before they hatch right? Work is winding down somewhat so that helps me to alleviate some of the anxiety. Family things are family things and always will be. Not a whole bunch that you can do about that. That leaves the weight thing. I need to kick this things ass. I am going to check out a few different diets this week and see what kind of dough a guy needs for these diets. I know that some of you are going to reply to me that diets are hard to come off of because you can easily gain back your weight. But for those of you who know me well, you know that I maintain my weight pretty well. Have you seen me lately?? lol Well, I don't know how to end this for this evening, so I am just going to end it right now. Have yourselves an excellent evening and be well. Take care and love your families!