Evening...
Man, I wish that we could get some stinking rain. It's so dry around here and the farmers are already complaining that their crops aren't going to turn out good. On top of all of that, we have these huge forest fires going on. Okay, I'm kidding. We are almost getting to much rain eh? Kind of sucks for me and getting in extra work days, but I shouldn't be complaining. We could seriously have a drought or something worse. But a few days of sunshine in a row would be really nice. Anyways...how are you all doing this evening? I am fairly well. I am really looking forward to this weekend as my lovely wife turns the big 3-0. I have been planning a big party for her for the last little bit and I hope that she has a really great time. And now on to something completely different.
We all have a routine. We have our morning routines where we get up, have a coffee, eat some breakfast and get our kids off to school. Or we have a driving routine where we pretty much drive the same stretch of road every single day to and from work or the mall or wherever. Or we have a routine at work on how we keep our office desk or our work truck. It doesn't matter whether or not you have a mental illness, you, me the premier, the prime minister, heck, the queen of England we all follow some sort of routine. We get into our groove or our happy place and we follow that to the letter. You eat the same things for breakfast. You drive the exact same routes. You have family movie night or game night every Friday. Whatever it may be, it is a routine.
So imagine my surprise and my actual upset-ness this morning when my routine got thrown right out of whack. Today, I had to go to a rig for a service that was about 250kms away from Red Deer. I left the house this morning around 09:00. I grabbed my computer and my lunch and headed down the highway. Halfway between here and Stettler, I thought that I had forgotten my wallet. Which I hadn't; but, for about 30 seconds or so, I thought that I had. Suddenly I was thinking that I was going to have to turn around and head back to RD before I would be able to continue on. I had no money on me, no ID, no credit cards, nothing. Thankfully, it was sitting right there in my console. Whew. Okay, we don't have to turn back around and make this day suddenly longer. Okay, crisis averted.
I got into Stettler and needed to fuel up my truck before continuing on my merry way. I stopped at a gas station to grab an extra water and some juice when I realized that I had forgotten my hat at home. This was bad. Why is this so bad Shawn, you ask? I mean, its just a hat right? You are absolutely right. It is just a hat. In fact, Krystle echoed those same sentiments to me. Relax, its just a hat. Well, let me tell you about that hat. It is a Canucks hat that I dearly love. It is about 10 years old now. It has started to fall apart in some places. It has become my "work hat". I wear that hat whenever I am doing some sort of work. It keeps my head warm. It gives me shade. It is a comfort to me.
As simple an object as it is, that hat is part of my routine. That hat gets put on every morning when I am leaving this house to go to work. It is a connection for me, I suppose to this house and my family in some sort of way. So when I realized that I had forgot to put my hat on, it was devastating to me. Obviously not as much as losing a loved one or breaking an arm or losing your life saving, but you get my drift. So you ask, how did you not realize that it wasn't on your head? Well, alot of the times I take it off in my truck when I am driving and set it on the middle console floor. AND, it has become so much a part of my routine, that I absentmindedly didn't even realize that it was not there.
Now after telling you all of this, what am I driving at? Since I am not a "normal" person and do have a mental illness; I couldn't begin to tell you what it is like to have your schedule or routine thrown out of the loop. I can only speak for myself and for others who suffer a mental illness. When your routine is thrown out of whack, it is crippling. It messes everything up. It changes the dynamics of your day. After realizing this, I started to feel anxious and panic-y that I had forgotten this treasure. I didn't have a full blown attack per se, but I was not feeling very well. I called Krystle to talk to her and tell her that I was feeling a little off because of this. And her reply to me was, "well, there is nothing that you can do about it now, so push on and you will get through this. And it is just a hat." She was and is absolutely right. It is just a hat and there was nothing that I could do about it except push on.
My response to her was that she was right, but why must these things mess me up so badly? Why must a silly hat rule or control my day? Never mind that, why must it control my mind and my actions? It is just a hat right? Aaahhh, but it is the routine of it that messed me up. Again, I cannot speak for the "sane" people, but when you have a mental illness and a change comes into your life and ruins your routine, it can make you very vulnerable to an attack. As I mentioned a few blogs ago, I think that the change of buying a new house and moving to a new location really messed up my mind. That and the fact that my meds needed to be increased. But, whether or not you have a mental illness, if changes to your routine or your comfort zone happen; you need to find the will and the strength to push on or carry on without that thing.
I know that this can be hard and please don't think that I know it all. You cannot say, do as I say, not as I do. I also have to try to do these same things. I also must push on and forge ahead. But, it is VERY frustrating to have these sorts of things control your mind and your thoughts. You need friends and family that can aid you through these times. You need a "higher power" or some sort of encouragement. Don't try to push through it all on your own. Rely on someone or something to get you through it. It won't be easy, but you will make it. As they say in the cuckoo classes; when you are having a panic attack, tell yourself that this too shall pass. So if you are in that situation, sit back, take a breathe and tell yourself that this too shall pass.
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
June 13/12
Evening All...
How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.
You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!
How are you all doing this evening? I trust that all is well within your seperate worlds. Have you all been getting a plethora of rain like we have been here in Red Deer? It has rained so much over the last few days that many jobs have been shut down for me. Oh well, such is life. For the last few days, I have been wanting to blog to you all about my health, but I really haven't felt that I have had anything good to say lately either. I have been feeling fairly well and haven't really felt a great desire to blog here. I guess that I am also a little bit discouraged as I have seen my readers plummet like a stone to the bottom of a lake. All of this and that being said, I still feel that I have made an obligation to mental health and to MY mental health to continue to blog. I think that sometimes I just need a little encouragement from myself. Anyways, enough of the crying and whining. I have the perfect thing to talk about tonight.
I have had a few people ask me why I decided to blog about my mental illness and I have kept that to myself up until this evening. I have never given them or you a straight answer. Well, I guess that that is not entirely true. I did mention at the beginning of this whole thing why I decided to blog. I guess what I am answering is, what pushed me over the edge or inspired me. Yes. That is the answer to the question. What inspired me to get this started? As most of you have figured out, I love music. I love all kinds of music. Hard Metal is my favorite, something that makes my eardrums bleed. lol. I love country music, blues, jazz, old rock, new rock, some rap, classical and even a few electronica tunes. But music moves my heart. It moves my soul. Music does something to me. It speaks to me in some way. Whether it is lyrically or musically, I feel or hear something in their words or music.
So it is in this medium that I was moved or inspired. My wife was watching the movie "Burlesque" one evening, which I must admit that I actually like. Anyways, there was one song in the movie that I had not really paid attention to until this evening shortly before I started my blog. This evening, I would like to share those lyrics from that song with you. I am not going to tell you that it will inspire you or even change your world. But, if you read the lyrics and put them into your life, I am sure that you will or should feel something after reading them. And if you do not own the 'Burlesque" soundtrack as Krystle does, go and find the song online and listen to her sing it. I hope that this "music" inspires you the way that it did for me.
You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me - Cher
Feeling Broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside of me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed was past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of
I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
No, No
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying righ here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me
I hope that you all have a really great night and we will talk again soon. Enjoy the song, I know that I did!
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
June 5/12
Morning to You...
How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn
How is everyone doing today? I will apologize right away here for not blogging for quite a while now. I had some days with family here; the days have been busy with working; I have been working around the house here and lastly, my body has been kicking my a$$ lately, so I have spent a little extra time resting and taking it easy. So for those of you who have been waiting with baited breath (okay, no one actually!lol), here is the latest edition today. Even though all of this has been going on, there has been a ton of stuff to talk about here and I'm not going to get it all on one page. Firstly, I believe that I mentioned that I was getting an increase in my meds. I seriously need to read my blogs before I start a new one so that I know what I last talked about!! Anyways...the increase. The increase in my meds has been going fairly well. It will still be another few weeks before I really see or feel any difference. I am still battlling with some fears that I had prior to my increase, but I am anxious to see whether or not that will make a big difference for me or not.
I got some golfing in while my in-laws were down visiting. I know that I told you before how much I love golfing and the serenity that surrounds it. But I have to admit to you that I was not very serene on the last round of golf that we did. I played terribly and ended up shooting a terrible score. The more that I hit the ball badly, the angrier that I got. I definitely wasn't calm and serene. But on a positive note, I didn't have any anxiety because my mind was totally focused on anger and playing golf like a chump. Another positive of course, was that I was out getting a little exercise, so that was good also. It was interesting the gammet of emotions that I went through while golfing. We drove out to Sylvan Lake for our first round of golf and I was anxious about it. Strangely enough, I think because my father in law was with me and it was a change again.
There is that stupid change thing again. Anyways, after getting there I was anxious about actually hitting a golf ball. I hadn't done that in a few months so I was curious how I was going to hit. Weird how something that you really enjoy can bring out the anxiety in you. But after the first few holes, I started to calm down and relax. I had brought my trusty elastic band and good old ativan to the party. Thankfully, I did not use either of them. Once back in the "swing" of things (pun intended, waka-waka-waka), I really tuned in and tuned out. I tuned in the enjoyment that I have golfing. I tuned in the environment, the birds, squirrels and even the bees (I'm allergic to stinging insects). I tuned out the crazy thoughts in my brain. I tuned out all anxiety, stress and/or depression. It ended up being a really good time and a really good visit with them.
I've also noticed with this nicer weather that my anxiety has felt different at different times. On some of the days when it has been really nice, I am questioning how I am going to stay comfortable over the summer. What do I do if I get to hot from the weather or start sweating too much? What am I going to do if it rains for 3 or 4 days straight? Well, I have plans for that if the above should happen. The silly thing is that, I really enjoy the nice weather. I enjoy the sun and the long days of sunshine or daylight moreso than the winter time. The winter time is really easy to cool down of course with the colder temperatures, snow and ice all around. Yet, here I am "worrying" about the sun and the warmer temperatures. It is a terrible double-edged sword that I walk with anxiety some days. Again, weird eh? But the back up plans for all of this are simple. If I was to feel anxious and hot from the sun, I can easily go downstairs to the basement where it is really cool and relax with a cold cloth on my forehead.
Well, I apologize again here now. I just got a call to head out to a rig, so I am needing to cut today's blog short. I need to get going. We will continue this later on this evening or tomorrow. Have a good day.
Shawn
Thursday, 10 May 2012
May 10/12
Evening to you...
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
Trust that you are doing well this evening. I myself am doing much better today than I was yesterday. For some of you that don't know who don't follow me on Facebook, I was having a really bad day yesterday. For the last couple of weeks, I have been having some terrible images float into my mind or have had some terrible dreams that resulted in my having a really bad day yesterday. It culminated in me going down to the cuckoo bin and seeing a doctor to make sure that I am still normal and not 100% certifably crazy. Thankfully, I am not. But it was a good day, none the less. So lets get right to it. For the last two weeks, everytime that I had a knife in my hand or was going to get one I would have a terrible thought entering my mind of using that knife on someone. Not me, someone in this house. Or I would have a thought of going and getting a knife and using it to hurt someone forever. Or I would dream about getting a knife and doing said activities.
If you know me at all, you know that I love my wife and children more than life itself. You know that I would give my life for theirs if that is what it took. I am sure that most of you out there who are married and with children would do the same. Not that you have to be married or with children to give your life for the ones you love, but you know what I mean. These images and thoughts scared me and upset me to no end. The final straw was Tuesday night when I went to bed and had another one pop into my head about Krystle. As you can imagine, I had not said one word to Krystle about these things. I was scared that this would be the final straw for her and she would take the kids away from me because I am a psycho. Well, that did not happen either. As you know, Krystle is my biggest supporter and my biggest help. We have an excellent relationship with absolutely NO secrets. (Well, she has no idea what I will be getting her for her birthday, but those secrets are okay!)
This secret that I was keeping from her was not helping me out in dealing with this sh*t!! It was adding to my stress levels that I could not talk to her about it when she knew that something was wrong. Anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday at the mental health clinic and just confessed everything to him. He gave me some good insight and helped me out to realize that this is a normal thing with having an anxiety disorder. He told me that because life had been stressing me out over the last month or so with the house searching, family issues, friend issues, normal things with the kids, money, work etc, etc that the anxiety disordered brain is WAY easier to experience these kinds of mild psychosis. He told me that when our stress levels are slowly climbing, we must also increase our stress relievers so that they go hand in hand.
The basics of the conversation, was that I was still normal and these types of experiences can happen. In asking me if I ever had had any of these other types of experience, I told him that just prior to my first diagnosis with the disorder that I had had scary suicidal thoughts come into my mind and scare me quite badly. So two times in 7 years is not so bad I guess. But believe me when I say that I would rather have never had any of these thoughts. They broke me down mentally and physically to the point of crying my eyes out. How do you ask yourself if you are crazy or not? How do you ask yourself what is wrong and where are these thoughts coming from? (Yes, the question mark is working again!!)
So before you all run away and report me to the police for being cuckoo, I am still somewhat normal and I am hoping that I still have all of your support. I didn't ask for these thoughts to enter my mind. I didn't ask to sleep on the couch so that I couldn't see my wife and allow these thoughts to enter my mind. But they did, and they scared the crap out of me. Now I understand why they came and where they are going. In the garbage is where they are going that is for sure. He gave me a few tricks to help in dealing with these thoughts when they do happen and it was basically to ignore them. He said that you know that that is not who you are or what you are about, so do not fret. The more that you worry about these thoughts and whether or not you can talk about them to your wife, the more intense they are going to get. The will get stronger and more in command. So needless to say, we won't be walking down that road again.
Now, on another matter; I did have to go in and see my family doctor today about getting a new Epi-Pen. I'm sure that everyone knows what they are, but the pens are for people who can have a bad allergic reaction to something. I am a stinging insects kind of guy. Thankfully not peanuts. What would I do without my peanut butter? Nuthouse for sure! LOL. Anyways, I talked to my doctor about my meds and maybe boosting them up a bit as I feel that I have put my absolute best foot forward in taking baby steps and working through some things. But I am still scared of flying, being trapped in traffic and not having an exit for a few examples. I don't want or need to conquer everything in one shot, but some additional help would be nice. When I was on the Cipralex, I never had any issues with these things. Yes, I would feel some anxiety, but my coping skills and tools usually took care of these things. SO...we are getting an increase in the medication. I will now be up to 100mg of Zoloft for the next three months and we will see how that is doing for me.
I really hope that it works and that I don't have to switch meds again. It really sucks having to do that mentally. Anyways, I have typed a book here tonight and I need to hit the sheets. I just wanted to be honest and sincere with all of you. I cannot be writing this blog about my life with an anxiety disorder and not disclose the things that are important when fighting this. I hope that none of you look down on me for the things that I told you about here tonight. My family is all still alive and well, I love them more than ever and I would never do anything to hurt them. So have a good evening and we will talk again soon.
Shawn
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
May 8/12
Evening to Everyone,
I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!
I hope that you are doing well this evening and that you are enjoying the weather. Well, at least in Red Deer you should be enjoying the weather. It was really nice here today and is carrying on into this evening. We are supposed to maybe get a little rain tomorrow, but who knows. Anyways, I've got a good one for you all this evening. I was going to blog about it last night but I got tied up around the house here and did not get a chance to write. Sooooooo, yesterday I got to go to my favorite rig. Can you all guess which one I am referring to? If you are new to my blog and haven't read from the start, then you don't know about my nemesis. I have a rig that I have to go and service that is quite a ways away from Red Deer here and I lose all phone service when heading out there. To catch yourselves up to today, read back and you will see and understand what I am talking about.
Back to the story. As I mentioned, I went out to the ``demon`` yesterday. Oddly enough, I was in pretty good spirits heading out there; doing my service and heading back into town. As you all know, I am generally very anxious heading out there and not enjoying life at all. But I have made quite a few trips out to that rig in the last little while as I believe that I mentioned it last week in my previous blog. I really should read what I write about so I know what exactly I am talking about eh. LOL. On my way out there yesterday, I started to think back to when I first went out there. Back around the middle of January or so. I thought about how utterly terrified that I was; how incredibly anxious I was to head out there with no phone service.
I think back to the very first time that I went there and I couldn`t even tell you what I did out there that day for a service. I know for a fact that I rushed through that service. I couldn`t wait to get back to the land of civilization. The next thought that came into my head was, look where you are now. Look at how much you have calmed down. Look at how much you have relaxed going out here now. Except for last week when I was feeling completely lost heading out there via a different route; I have gotten more and more relaxed as time has gone on. I also thought about how that first time I went out there and I told my supervisor`s that I really did not like that trip. I told them in a round about way that I did not want to go back out to that rig for any reason. Of course, nothing was said to me except for them probably thinking, suck it up princess!! Maybe not. Yeah, probably!
But I so badly wanted them to tell me that it was okay and that I never had to go there again. I wanted someone to understand how scared I was to go out there again. I wanted someone to hold my hand and go out in my truck with me. Fortunately, I did not get that. Huh...what did you just say Shawn. (Sidebar here: my stupid keyboard is not allowing me to use quotations or question marks tonight, just so you know) Yeah, I said fortunately. That is the point of tonight`s blog. I realized yesterday while driving out there and having this little thought parade going through my mind, that wasn`t I fortunate to have been able to continue going out to this rig. Wasn`t I lucky that my bosses didn`t tell me that I did not have to go out there again. The reason was or is, is that I have been able to keep working at beating this demon. I was able to keep plugging away or chipping away at it. No, it has not been easy. No, I will not all of a sudden have no fear of going out there.
No, I will not just sit back now and say that anything can be beaten. Yes, anything can be beaten. I would like to tell you all that I have no fear now and that I can get on a plane tomorrow and fly somewhere. Or that I can drive into Calgary and get stuck in traffic somewhere and not have a panic or anxiety attack. I would like to tell you all that, but that would be an all out lie to you and more importantly to myself. I know that everything can be beaten and I know that I can do it. As can you. No matter if you have a mental illness or not. There are things in your life that you are scared of or afraid of attempting. We all have those in our lives. It is whether or not you choose to wallow in self pity and do nothing about it OR do you get up off your couch and kick your fears` ass!!! I like to chew bubblegum and kick ass; right now I am all out of bubblegum!
So the question that I have for you without any question mark is this; do you want to live to fight or fight to live. I think that it is kind of a trick question because we all want to live, but some of us choose to live without putting up any sort of fight. I myself, do not want to be that person. I want to continue to conquer this illness. I want to continue getting better everyday. I don`t want to just sit here and say that my illness or sickness is winning. I want to stand up and tell the world that my name is Shawn Metcalfe. I have a mental illness in my brain. But this IS my brain, this is my body and I am in control of it!!!
Over the next few days or weeks, I challenge you to realize that if you are in one of these same situations where you hope that you can get out of the boss asking you to do something that will challenge your limits; look at it as a building process or something that will make you a better person for it. You might not see it right now, but shortly down the road you will. Have a good evening and be well!
Thursday, 3 May 2012
May 3/12
Evening to you,
How is everyone this evening? I am doing fairly well...thanks for asking. How has your weather been this week? Ours has not been so stellar here in Red Deer. We have had quite a bit of rain this week. Not like 20 inches or anything like that; just cool, wet weather. But, on the positive side of things, that's what helps the grass to get greener. Now, if we could only get some sunshine, that would be great. So, I have gained a few new followers this week and into last week also. It has been nice having some new followers and new readers. Maybe they will liven the rest of you up! Just kidding. Don't leave now, I need all the followers that I can get! lol. Anyways...so this week has been pretty good so far for me. I've had a few ups and downs, but I have managed to get through them and come out on top.
As you should all know by now, Mr. Rubberband and I have a very close relationship. I also have a close relationship with Mrs. Air Conditioning, Mr. Ice Pack, Mrs. Less Clothing Keeps You Cool and Mr.Ativan. This are some of my favorite friends. I rely on them regularly. But this week, I have neglected them and that is a good thing. Whenever I am able to not use these "tools", it means that things are going well for me. I take full advantage of their "friendship" with me and use them to the fullest. It is amazing to me how our mindset's can change how we are feeling or how we percieve what is going on around us. So the bottom line for me tonight, is that I am doing pretty good.
Now, someone that I have just "met" through my blog and via Facebook, is having an entirely different experience at this time. This person has always had some sort of an anxiety disorder but it was just diagnosed last year for them. They started on some medicine but did not like the way that they felt. They just happened upon my blog and we have started to become friends. I have not offically met this person or anything like that, but we have been talking via the phone, email, Facebook etc. I think that this person has a lot going for them and that things will work out for them. They just started back on the meds and I have been doing my best to help them out in whatever way that I am able to.
Also this week, yesterday actually, another athlete took their life. That athlete was Junior Seau. He was a football player in the NFL for many years and a damn good one to boot. I believe that he has been retired for a year or so now, or was anyways. He shot himself in the chest. It is not known whether or not he was suffering from any sort of depression or anxiety. The questions surrounding his death are exactly that. Questions. No note was left or anything. Speculation is that is was either depression OR he was "depressed" about not being in the limelight anymore, not playing football, not getting that rush that comes with pro sports. I don't know. Of course, I am inclined to lean towards that he was battling some sort of depression and that was why he took his life.
So why am I telling you about this new person that I met or about Junior Seau? What do the two have in common? Well, its simple actually and they have a lot in common. First and foremost...we have people everyday in our lives that are battling demons that we have not a clue about. We as a society live in our own little world oblivous to those around us. This is not a bad thing, its just human nature. How do you know that your significant other is not suffering from depression or anxiety? How do you know that you are not? Maybe you or they feel a little bit "off". Maybe they or you are contributing this feelings to some changes in your lives or the seasons or their job. Its no big deal right? They're gonna snap out of it. It isn't until it is too late in some cases that we realize that there was more going on than what we first thought. Look at your own life. Are you feeling down? Is work or the kids stressing you out more than usual? I am not here to suggest that we all head in to the doctor tomorrow morning and get prescribed some meds cause we are having a bad day. Although, there are some really good meds out there! LOL.
What I am suggesting is, take an inventory of your life when times have gotten you down. Maybe you are suffering from some mild depression or anxiety. Maybe you just need to get your poop in a group or maybe you need some counseling. Whatever. Just make sure that you are looking after yourself and recognizing when you do need some help. The other part of this? DO NOT be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. Look at me. I'm writing a freaking blog telling the world about my crap. lol Anyways, please look after your mental health. Now secondly, I kind of answered it a bit already. Anyone of us can get or have some depression or anxiety of post-traumatic stress disorder. We are, after all just human. Remember that mental illnesses affect 1 in 4 people. Some of it mildly, some of it quite extensively. But take a look at these two totally different people. Again please remember that I don't know for sure that Junior Seau actually had depression, but let's assume that he did. These are two people that come or came from two totally different backgrounds. Led two totally different lives and had or have two totally different goals in life.
I have no doubt in my mind that mental illnesses can attack anyone, anywhere and anytime. It does not matter that you did not play any contact sports or ever suffer a concussion. It does not matter that you never did drugs or ever drink. I don't know the how's or the why's; I just know that like me, there are many sufferers out there in the world. Some are strong, some are weak. I just want you to take care of yourselves and the others in your lives. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through the "pain" that I go through. Anyways, I am starting to ramble now and lose my train of thought. Have a good evening and love your families!!
How is everyone this evening? I am doing fairly well...thanks for asking. How has your weather been this week? Ours has not been so stellar here in Red Deer. We have had quite a bit of rain this week. Not like 20 inches or anything like that; just cool, wet weather. But, on the positive side of things, that's what helps the grass to get greener. Now, if we could only get some sunshine, that would be great. So, I have gained a few new followers this week and into last week also. It has been nice having some new followers and new readers. Maybe they will liven the rest of you up! Just kidding. Don't leave now, I need all the followers that I can get! lol. Anyways...so this week has been pretty good so far for me. I've had a few ups and downs, but I have managed to get through them and come out on top.
As you should all know by now, Mr. Rubberband and I have a very close relationship. I also have a close relationship with Mrs. Air Conditioning, Mr. Ice Pack, Mrs. Less Clothing Keeps You Cool and Mr.Ativan. This are some of my favorite friends. I rely on them regularly. But this week, I have neglected them and that is a good thing. Whenever I am able to not use these "tools", it means that things are going well for me. I take full advantage of their "friendship" with me and use them to the fullest. It is amazing to me how our mindset's can change how we are feeling or how we percieve what is going on around us. So the bottom line for me tonight, is that I am doing pretty good.
Now, someone that I have just "met" through my blog and via Facebook, is having an entirely different experience at this time. This person has always had some sort of an anxiety disorder but it was just diagnosed last year for them. They started on some medicine but did not like the way that they felt. They just happened upon my blog and we have started to become friends. I have not offically met this person or anything like that, but we have been talking via the phone, email, Facebook etc. I think that this person has a lot going for them and that things will work out for them. They just started back on the meds and I have been doing my best to help them out in whatever way that I am able to.
Also this week, yesterday actually, another athlete took their life. That athlete was Junior Seau. He was a football player in the NFL for many years and a damn good one to boot. I believe that he has been retired for a year or so now, or was anyways. He shot himself in the chest. It is not known whether or not he was suffering from any sort of depression or anxiety. The questions surrounding his death are exactly that. Questions. No note was left or anything. Speculation is that is was either depression OR he was "depressed" about not being in the limelight anymore, not playing football, not getting that rush that comes with pro sports. I don't know. Of course, I am inclined to lean towards that he was battling some sort of depression and that was why he took his life.
So why am I telling you about this new person that I met or about Junior Seau? What do the two have in common? Well, its simple actually and they have a lot in common. First and foremost...we have people everyday in our lives that are battling demons that we have not a clue about. We as a society live in our own little world oblivous to those around us. This is not a bad thing, its just human nature. How do you know that your significant other is not suffering from depression or anxiety? How do you know that you are not? Maybe you or they feel a little bit "off". Maybe they or you are contributing this feelings to some changes in your lives or the seasons or their job. Its no big deal right? They're gonna snap out of it. It isn't until it is too late in some cases that we realize that there was more going on than what we first thought. Look at your own life. Are you feeling down? Is work or the kids stressing you out more than usual? I am not here to suggest that we all head in to the doctor tomorrow morning and get prescribed some meds cause we are having a bad day. Although, there are some really good meds out there! LOL.
What I am suggesting is, take an inventory of your life when times have gotten you down. Maybe you are suffering from some mild depression or anxiety. Maybe you just need to get your poop in a group or maybe you need some counseling. Whatever. Just make sure that you are looking after yourself and recognizing when you do need some help. The other part of this? DO NOT be ashamed or embarassed to ask for help. Look at me. I'm writing a freaking blog telling the world about my crap. lol Anyways, please look after your mental health. Now secondly, I kind of answered it a bit already. Anyone of us can get or have some depression or anxiety of post-traumatic stress disorder. We are, after all just human. Remember that mental illnesses affect 1 in 4 people. Some of it mildly, some of it quite extensively. But take a look at these two totally different people. Again please remember that I don't know for sure that Junior Seau actually had depression, but let's assume that he did. These are two people that come or came from two totally different backgrounds. Led two totally different lives and had or have two totally different goals in life.
I have no doubt in my mind that mental illnesses can attack anyone, anywhere and anytime. It does not matter that you did not play any contact sports or ever suffer a concussion. It does not matter that you never did drugs or ever drink. I don't know the how's or the why's; I just know that like me, there are many sufferers out there in the world. Some are strong, some are weak. I just want you to take care of yourselves and the others in your lives. I really don't want anyone else to have to go through the "pain" that I go through. Anyways, I am starting to ramble now and lose my train of thought. Have a good evening and love your families!!
Monday, 30 April 2012
April 30/12
Evening To All,
I trust that all of you are doing well this evening. A hearty hello to some new followers here on my blog and a thank you to you for reading and following my drivel. So this evening I actually have some idea of what I would like to talk about. Weird eh? lol Anyways, I have had a few interesting days over the last week. I believe that I mentioned to you last week that we were in the middle of buying a house and that it fell through for us which of course lead me to have a really nice feeling of panic. So carrying over into this week and the end of last week my anxiety has still been quite high. After we decided to not get the house and that we were going to stay right where we were at, we then decided that it was definitely time to get some new furniture, beds, a new desk and a new BBQ. All of these things create some change for me, obviously. I find it absolutely amazing that some change has really bothered me and ramped up my anxiety. These little changes in our household really cause me to feel anxious. And why is that? Obviously I cannot speak for all of those who have a mental illness, but I can speak to having an anxiety disorder.
It is exactly that; change. We/you/me whoever get very acustomed to and comfortable in our day to day lives. We eat the same foods for breakfast; we wear the same clothes, same jacket; we travel the same route to and from work everyday; we go to the same coffee shop everyday and we have our favorite/comfortable spot on the couch to watch TV or read a book. I have a challenge for you. Just change up a few things in your life and see how you like it. How do you feel when you have guests over at your house and someone sits in your chair or your spot on the couch? How do you feel when you have to drive a different route to or from work? Can you feel that right now as you read this? Good. Now multiply that by about a 100 and you will understand how I or someone with a mental illness feels when changes happen in our lives.
Now, don't get me wrong; changes are very good for us. They force us to challenge our beliefs, our thought processes and so on and so on. It is a GOOD thing to challenge yourself in this way. It is good to feel a little uncomfortable. It leads you to a better place. It makes you realize that you can accomplish things, that you don't have to sit in your same spot over and over again to feel comfortable. With a little prayer or the use of your toolbox, you can overcome these things that scare the crap out of you. Of course, this is way easier to type or talk about when one isn't feeling anxious about these changes; but it is the truth. The other truth about this? You will revert back to your old ways even if you are able to overcome those challenges. I know that I sure do!!
Now another thing this evening...I had an interesting day yesterday work wise. I ended up having to drive down to Calgary and get a few new hoses for one of my rigs. And if you have been reading this blog, I will let you guess which rig I had to take them to. Yep, the one without any phone service. Yeah, lucky me. But, I drove down to Calgary with no issues. I met up with one of my supervisor's at the shop, got the hoses and headed out on my way. If you recall, I have to drive West of Sundre and then South about 100kms. Instead of driving back up to Sundre and then over, I decided that I would head West to Cochrane and then go NW on the forestry trunk road to the rig as it is only about a 100kms from Calgary that way. All was going well for me. I went past Cochrane and jumped onto the forestry trunk road. I had phone service for a good chunk of the way as well.
I was talking to Krystle and then I lost phone service. I fully expected this and was prepared this time. But that wasn't what threw me over the edge. I was driving on a totally new road to me, that was very closed in with trees on both sides of me. The road had many sharp curves and switchbacks in it. I suddenly felt very alone and isolated with no phone service. No one knew where exactly I was or how I was doing. The panic set in on high alert. I turned on my air conditioning to high blast, snapped the crap out of my wrist and repeated on of my mantra's, "In the name of Jesus, give me peace." I just kept repeating it over and over. Eventually, things started to calm down for me and I was able to calm myself even more by taking some deep breathes. I also flexed my muscles as hard as possible to try and relax myself that way. Everything came to a grinding halt and I started to relax.
Once I got to my road that leads to the rig, I felt this HUGE weight fall off of my shoulders. Now obviously I did it and I managed to get through it, even though I did not like it. But these are the things that I have mentioned on here numerous times. You have to find the small victories and cherish them. You have to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Take some pride in your accomplishments; whether they are mentally illness related or just in your day to day life. Again, its really easy to write about these things when you are not panicked right out; but once the panic or anxiety has gone away; take the time to realize that you did a good thing, you got through it and you are a better person for it. Have a great evening...talk to you all soon.
I trust that all of you are doing well this evening. A hearty hello to some new followers here on my blog and a thank you to you for reading and following my drivel. So this evening I actually have some idea of what I would like to talk about. Weird eh? lol Anyways, I have had a few interesting days over the last week. I believe that I mentioned to you last week that we were in the middle of buying a house and that it fell through for us which of course lead me to have a really nice feeling of panic. So carrying over into this week and the end of last week my anxiety has still been quite high. After we decided to not get the house and that we were going to stay right where we were at, we then decided that it was definitely time to get some new furniture, beds, a new desk and a new BBQ. All of these things create some change for me, obviously. I find it absolutely amazing that some change has really bothered me and ramped up my anxiety. These little changes in our household really cause me to feel anxious. And why is that? Obviously I cannot speak for all of those who have a mental illness, but I can speak to having an anxiety disorder.
It is exactly that; change. We/you/me whoever get very acustomed to and comfortable in our day to day lives. We eat the same foods for breakfast; we wear the same clothes, same jacket; we travel the same route to and from work everyday; we go to the same coffee shop everyday and we have our favorite/comfortable spot on the couch to watch TV or read a book. I have a challenge for you. Just change up a few things in your life and see how you like it. How do you feel when you have guests over at your house and someone sits in your chair or your spot on the couch? How do you feel when you have to drive a different route to or from work? Can you feel that right now as you read this? Good. Now multiply that by about a 100 and you will understand how I or someone with a mental illness feels when changes happen in our lives.
Now, don't get me wrong; changes are very good for us. They force us to challenge our beliefs, our thought processes and so on and so on. It is a GOOD thing to challenge yourself in this way. It is good to feel a little uncomfortable. It leads you to a better place. It makes you realize that you can accomplish things, that you don't have to sit in your same spot over and over again to feel comfortable. With a little prayer or the use of your toolbox, you can overcome these things that scare the crap out of you. Of course, this is way easier to type or talk about when one isn't feeling anxious about these changes; but it is the truth. The other truth about this? You will revert back to your old ways even if you are able to overcome those challenges. I know that I sure do!!
Now another thing this evening...I had an interesting day yesterday work wise. I ended up having to drive down to Calgary and get a few new hoses for one of my rigs. And if you have been reading this blog, I will let you guess which rig I had to take them to. Yep, the one without any phone service. Yeah, lucky me. But, I drove down to Calgary with no issues. I met up with one of my supervisor's at the shop, got the hoses and headed out on my way. If you recall, I have to drive West of Sundre and then South about 100kms. Instead of driving back up to Sundre and then over, I decided that I would head West to Cochrane and then go NW on the forestry trunk road to the rig as it is only about a 100kms from Calgary that way. All was going well for me. I went past Cochrane and jumped onto the forestry trunk road. I had phone service for a good chunk of the way as well.
I was talking to Krystle and then I lost phone service. I fully expected this and was prepared this time. But that wasn't what threw me over the edge. I was driving on a totally new road to me, that was very closed in with trees on both sides of me. The road had many sharp curves and switchbacks in it. I suddenly felt very alone and isolated with no phone service. No one knew where exactly I was or how I was doing. The panic set in on high alert. I turned on my air conditioning to high blast, snapped the crap out of my wrist and repeated on of my mantra's, "In the name of Jesus, give me peace." I just kept repeating it over and over. Eventually, things started to calm down for me and I was able to calm myself even more by taking some deep breathes. I also flexed my muscles as hard as possible to try and relax myself that way. Everything came to a grinding halt and I started to relax.
Once I got to my road that leads to the rig, I felt this HUGE weight fall off of my shoulders. Now obviously I did it and I managed to get through it, even though I did not like it. But these are the things that I have mentioned on here numerous times. You have to find the small victories and cherish them. You have to pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for a job well done. Take some pride in your accomplishments; whether they are mentally illness related or just in your day to day life. Again, its really easy to write about these things when you are not panicked right out; but once the panic or anxiety has gone away; take the time to realize that you did a good thing, you got through it and you are a better person for it. Have a great evening...talk to you all soon.
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