July 14/12

Good Evening to All,
   How is everyone doing this evening? I love the heat, but I am really glad to be back in Red Deer tonight where it is only +20. We had +35 to +38 all 3 days that we were in Kamloops. I got a little red, but hopefully it goes brown right away and doesn't peel. So, two things that I want to talk about tonight. Firstly tonight, I wanted to expand on my last blog that I was having with you. I believe that I was talking about me having my anxiety attack last week or the week before and how I did not want to take my Ativan because it makes me feel more anxious. I was having a discussion about this with two seperate people, one of them being my wife. As far as the first person goes, she was mildly mad at me for not wanting to take the damn pill. She said that, "that is what it is there for; to calm you down and relax you." And I could not agree with her more. I told her that I found it quite ridiculous how the human brain works at different times. It amazes me that something that is going to help me out can cause me stress or anxiety.
   So on our way to Kamloops this last week, Krystle and I were talking about this conversation that I was having with my friend. AND, this all came about because I was feeling anxious half way through our trip, which I will get to shortly. Krystle's thinking on this whole thing of having an issue taking the Ativan, is that I am too proud to admit that I needed someone or something's help to get through this. She feels that I create more anxiety for myself when I am needing this medication because of a need to "do it on my own". Now, obviously this might or might not apply to every single person out there, but we are not talking to all of them. Just you and me here. Anyways, my disagreement in that, is that I am not too proud to take the meds, but I definitely feel some failure there. How absolutely, moronically, ridiculous is this?? Quite, I must say. I am the type of person who will try to do things all on my own without the assistance of anyone or anything.
   I am the type of person who will keep pushing myself when I should stop and get some rest or some help with whatever it is. I am a 39 year old broken down man. Why? Because for years on the rigs, that was "how the men did it". All I know are the rigs and that work mentality. As I have gotten older, I work smarter, not stronger. But it is way to late for that. I am already broken down. But, I continue to do my job. When my back is FUBAR, my knees are aching, my ankles are cracking, my hands are arthritic, I keep going. To put food on my table, to pay my bills, to clothe my kids and to have some money to do some fun things with my family. I do not like to ask for help. I do not view it as a sign of weakness, that is just the way that I am wired. So I think that my issue is some pride, but I think that it is a sub-consious thing and not something that I do intentionally. Of course, I could be wrong. I was once before...waka, waka, waka!
   Anyways, I just thought that it was a real cool observation from Krystle and some neat insight. Maybe you do the same thing as me and don't want to admit that you need the help. Or maybe you even are like me and somewhere down inside of you is a voice calling you a failure. Either way, whatever it is...you are not a failure if you need to take some extra medicine to cope with your day or your week or your month. And again, as long as you are not abusing it, then take the damn stuff! It will help you out in the long run.
   My second thought tonight is this: Do you remember playing tag, hide and seek, kick the can, capture the flag or any sort of those games?? (Side note, I absolutely LOVED playing kick the can!!!!!!!) In some of those games, there was a "no man's land" or a neutral ground. I prefer the term "no man's land" for this. We left Red Deer on Wednesday morning to head to Kamloops for a few days. I was really excited about it a day or two before we were going to leave because I was getting a "new" fishing boat. New to me, old to the world. Anyways, things are going pretty good between the in-laws and myself and I was actually looking forward to visiting them as well. When we left here, I did feel some mild anxiety about leaving my happy place, my home.
   About half way there and prior to that, I was doing pretty good about the anxiety. I was a little anxious about leaving my home, but I knew that when we got to Kamloops that I would be "home" again. I also knew that we could stop in any town along the way and get a hotel room if that was needed for some security. I knew all of these things and yet, I had some anxiety pop it's ugly head up at me. I am glad to say that I did not need an Ativan or to stop on the road. I used the elastic band, turned up the A/C and talked with Krystle. I think what triggered it was thinking about being away from home and my happy place and being in "no man's land". Those stupid "what if" questions started popping up in my mind and I questioned what I was going to do in the middle of "nowhere". How stupid is that? I wasn't in the middle of nowhere, I was in Canada still. I was in B.C and I could have stopped anywhere. But I also think that that is what bothers me sometimes when I am out and alone somewhere, is that I am in the middle of nowhere and I am all alone.
   Unfortunately, I do not have an answer for feeling like you are in the middle of "no man's land". I think that it takes practice and self control to persuade your mind to wander elsewhere instead of the gloomy and doomy by-ways and hi-ways. It is so very easy to lose control and feel like you will not retain it or get it back. Trust me, I have been there. We have all been there at some point of another. But I believe that with a little practice and determination, you will get there. I know that I still have some travelling to do on those roads. And to end tonight on a positive note? Well, last year at this time, I would have absolutely refused Krystle and the kids a trip to Kamloops. WAY out of the comfort zone for me. I think that this medicine is finally working and doing its thing. Of course, I still have some hurdles to get through and I don't expect to conquer them all in one day, but with time, it will come. And it will come for you too. After all, I did drive all the way to Kamloops and stay way outside of my comfort zone with a few bruises along the way!