September 5/12

Good Evening Friends and Family,
   How are you all doing this evening? I am well. Wow! School's back in session eh? Is it just me or did that summer seem to fly by? Weather is also slowly starting to change which always reeks havoc on my mental well being which we will get into tonight. But, sad to see the leaves starting to change and feel the coolness in the air. So lets get right into it. The weather change. Every year since I have had this anxiety disorder, I get all screwed up for sure twice a year. Once in the fall before winter arrives and once in the spring before summer arrives. Here's my thinking. Summer is fading away, the days are getting shorter, the temperature is dropping. Uh-Oh, how am I going to cope with the winter? How will I deal with the shorter days and longer darkness? How will manage to survive the cold temperatures? Oh no, its going to be cold and not nice and sunny. I can't go to the lake and swim or ski. I can't enjoy a beer on my deck with my shirt off. This is NOT good.
   Then, when then spring rolls around I start to ask the opposite questions. What am I going to do if it gets to hot? I'm not going to have my automatic air conditioner any more to cool me down when I am feeling anxious. There's going to be to much sun. Hockey season will be starting to wind down. How will I deal with the longer days and less darkness? WHAT??? Huh?? Does this make ANY sense at all to anyone? Me neither. But in talking to a few other friends that have a mental illness, they experience the same type of feelings which is nice to know others have my same issues. The really weird thing of this? Once the season gets rolling and I am into the heart of it, it doesn't bother me at all. As I have said before, it is a change. I truly believe that it is just a change that causes all of this.
   So what can we do? Well, as I do birdhouses, find something to take up your time. I also pretend to play the bass so that helps me out as well. Going to the gym is also a really good way to burn up some calories and relieve some stress. Take some baby steps as "Bob" says. Anyways, that was on my mind yesterday and today and I wanted to address it. Now...I had a really cool breakthrough and thought in the last few days. As I was talking about taking the Ativan no matter what last week, it got me to thinking about the cuckoo bin. Show of hands. How many of us have ever thought that we would like to spend time in the nut bar bin? How many of us hoped that maybe we one day would? How many of us questioned our sanity and whether or not we would "fit" in there? Lastly, how many of us think that we would look stupid or weak or insufficient or terrible or bad or whatever?
   What? No one raised their hands? Really? Wow. I thought we all wanted that. Of course, the truth is that we would never want that to happen to us, right? No one wishes that they had a mental illness or that they would get the oppurtunity to spend time in the cuckoo motel. BUT...it can or could happen right? What is the worst thing that could happen if that happened to you? Obviously, I cannot answer that question for you, I can only answer for myself. And this is where my cool breakthrough came into focus for me. No, I do not want to be in the bin. No, I do not want to feel that I was unable to beat this things ass. But, it could happen to me. And?? I'm quite fine with that. The other day when I was worried about the season change coming on, I joked to myself and said that I could spend the winter doped up on Ativan or tranquilizers and hey, look at that. A new season is here.
   It got me to thinking that what if that happened to me? As far as looking after my family, well, that would be difficult. Don't get me wrong here. I love my wife and kids more that my life itself and I would lay my life down to save theirs. But I am no good to them if I cannot cope with my mental illness. How can I provide for them if I cannot provide for myself? It kind of boils down to me looking out for number one. Again, not trying to put myself ahead of Krystle and the kids, but you do have to do that in a sense with a mental illness. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I have no issues if and when the time should come that I need to be put in the looney bin. I have decided to accept the fact that that could happen to me and my family. I have decided that if I need the Ativan, I am going to take it and in that vein, if I need to be admitted, then I am going to take it.
   Lastly tonight, I want to tell you about a goal I have set for myself. There is a race called the Spartan Race. It is a 5km intense obstacle course. There is barbed wire, mud, hills, walls to climb over etc., etc. The next race in Calgary is August 17th, 2013. As some of you know, I am turning 40 next year in January. I want to do this race and show myself that the "old man" still has it. So, I have enlisted the help of my best friend Doug to help me start to train for this race. Now, I have lost about 12lbs on my own here this year, but I need to lose more. I also need to bring up the cardio quite a bit. This is going to be a really good thing for me. Not only will it aid in my losing more weight, but I will be able to show myself and the world that I can do this. The biggest challenge for me is going to be doing the exercises and running. The obvious answer is that I'm overweight and of course doing exercises and running will be a challenge to begin. But that is not the answer. The real reason is that when my heart rate starts to climb, I am in a very weird state where an anxiety attack is much easier to come on as I am already jacked up and it doesn't take my mind long to follow suit.
   So, I have just under a year to get myself in shape and prove myself. Not to anyone, but to me. And that allows me to challenge you tonight. Set a goal for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big one. Crossing a bridge by a certain time if bridges scare you. Climbing up to a height if heights scare you by a certain time. Hold a spider by a certain time. Either way, whatever it is, I encourage you to challenge yourself as I am doing. Take care, love your families and we will talk again soon!
Shawn