Evening All,
Sorry for the late post tonight, busy doing some painting here in the house and got carried away with the time. So we had some interesting news come our way late this afternoon and into the early evening. I have gotten a basic offer to change my roles in the company that I work for and move into an office job. Me? Working in an office? Hahahaha...that's pretty funny. Well, not really. I am less than a year from turning 40; my body has gotten pretty beat up over the years and I am pretty much sore everyday from work. Do I want to keep putting in these kinds of days, hours, months or years? Not really. I really enjoy my job. The physical aspect of it is very gratifying. Where do I go from here?
Well, for starters; I don't have the job yet. It has been put on the table and presented to me. I am going down to Calgary early this week coming up to find out more. Krystle and I sat down this evening and talked things through and over about where we would go from here if the job was 100% offered to me and I decided to take it. Obviously our lives would change somewhat as would our kids' lives. We would be moving, me starting a new facet of work, new schools for the kids, new dance classes etc, etc. The funny thing is, I don't really have any anxiety or trepidation over these things if they were to happen. But this is besides the point I would like to make tonight. I don't want to talk about the future, I want to talk about the past.
I believe in God and I am a Christian as I stated earlier. It doesn't matter what or who you believe in to me to understand this point. We all walk a path in this life that we cannot see 99% of the time. We never know how one decision will affect the next until afterwards. The old saying, "Hindsight is 20/20" is very true. Heck, Krystle and I have made many decisions in our life together that afterwards, we wish we could back and change that one, but we all know that we cannot. Should we have gone left instead of right? Should we have not moved there? Should we have put our kids in a different school? Whatever it may be, it cannot be changed, right? We all agree on that.
So what IS your point Shawn? This. Last year at this time, my life, our life, my kids lives were in the crapper. I prayed, I cried, I begged for something to change. I would have done anything to not have gone through that year. But, I cannot go back and change it. Things were so crappy and upside down. We are still catching up and are almost back on track in the financial department because of last year. Then in September, we started to see some positives coming. October, November, December and January just kept getting better and better for us, for me. Now we are in February and this has come up. Wow!! What a year! Okay, Shawn I get all that, but I am still not seeing your point!?!?
No matter how crappy life gets, with or without a mental disease, you need to keep fighting. Push forward, strive for change. I told you about my song. "Fallin rain outside my window, but all in all I know; its gettin better everyday". Could I see last year at this time that things would be here? No. What about in March when I was fired because of my illness? No. How about even in August when I was coming around and things were getting better? No. It is not until later on that you can look back at the path that you walked with or without a belief in a "God" that you can clearly see the steps that you took. You cannot see "the forest through the trees" but when you are flying overtop of it, you sure can. Don't quit, don't give up.
When you feel that life has gotten you down for the last time; pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Get back up on that horse and get ready for another 8 seconds. Things will change. Sometimes for the good and other times for the bad. But you must have the will to succeed. Or in my case, to not let my anxiety disorder run my life.
"This is my life and this is my brain. I am in control here and I WILL beat you" - Shawn Metcalfe
Hey Shawn.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I want to congratulate you on having the balls to put your life out for all to see.
I believe for some part your anxiety disorder made you who you are today and will get you to where you want to be. Not everything in life is sunshine and lollipops; everyone has to experience the down side of life to realize what the up sides are. Most people just deny it and hope it goes away.
Last January my husband and I decided it was time for a healthier lifestyle; watched everything we ate and worked out religiously. Lost 40lbs in 5.5 months, but there was an unfortunate downside. How the hell can there be a downside? I've had psoriasis since I was 18 years old, fairly mild form. My rapid weight loss triggered a HUGE increase in my disorder, and if you didn't know, psoriasis is an auto-immune disorder and incurable. The outward product of the disease is the scaly, patchy, irritated cracked skin. My feet got so badly covered I could barely walk somedays and for months I couldn't wear decent shoes.
What happened? I went to my family doctor and even though I thought of asking him to recommend me to a dermatologist I figured what's the point if I'm going to have to wait 6 months to a year? Well, six weeks after he put in the request I had my appointment; shocked the hell out of me.
He diagnosed my psoriasis as "severe", being that 10 palm sized hand prints on the body is considered severe, my feet alone brought that diagnosis. My hands were pretty bad too, and my existing spots on my elbows and knees that I'd always had had grown larger, but my feet were one of the worst cases he had ever seen.
What's next? Drugs; I did research, discussed it with my family doctor and the drug of choice was none other than a drug used to treat certain types of cancer and that scared the hell out of me. My dermatologist said nothing else would help me at this point and diagnosed me the largest amount he could, 25mg per week. 10 pills once a week, plus folic acid to help combat any adverse side effects to my liver, weekly blood tests for 4 weeks straight.
At the beginning of January it had cleared up a lot, but my dermatologist felt my feet should look better. He recommended the injectable form of the drug. Okay, then, now I'm going to have to inject myself once a week. Now I don't have a problem with needles(as I know you do) but I needed to be sure I knew what to do and do it properly. My first injectable dose I went to see my family doctor, who's a bit of a card, and he showed me the proper technique, although he did state if Rambo could do it he didn't see why I couldn't.
Anyways, I had to explain to my co-workers what I was going through and that there'd be some bad days till the drugs started working. Thankfully I've had no side effects from the drug and it seems to be doing it's job.
Sometimes people look at us and see what they want to see; sometimes we have to just be brave enough to tell them what they don't want to see and make them aware it's alright.
Good job making people see something they may easily miss and dismiss in people they love and care about.
Keep it up Shawn; I'm enjoying the ride so far.
S