Feb.13/12

Evening All...
   Let's get right into it. I have a few things I want to get going on tonight. Firstly, I am a little frustrated and angry. Not so much angry, more frustrated. As I mentioned on Friday, I was offered an office position by my office. Tomorrow, Tuesday, I was supposed to go down to Calgary and find out more about the position. Would we have to move? Am I to be in the office 5 days a week? Does my salary change? Do I still have a company vehicle? And on and on and on...I need to find these things out to calm my brain and my nerves. I want to know because this affects our future. As I might have mentioned here, we are on the verge of buying a new house. Not brand new, just new to us. We obviously won't buy a house here in RD if we were going to have to move down towards Calgary. So I was really looking forward to going down there tomorrow and finding out all of the information.
   Well, I'm not going down there tomorrow. Why? Because my immediate bosses have some rigs for me to look after for tomorrow. Not a big deal. So, I emailed my big boss and told him that we could just do it over the phone if that was fine with him and he emailed me back and told me that whenever the bosses can release me to come down to Calgary we will do it then. That doesn't help me or my family out at all. It also doesn't help out my anxiety at all either. So I am feeling very frustrated this evening because I am not going to get the answers that I was looking for tomorrow. Aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
   Secondly, I have a rig to go to that is quite a ways away from home here. It is approximately 150kms SW of Red Deer. I drive down Hwy #2 to the Olds turnoff and then head West to Sundre. Once I get to Sundre, I head West for about 12kms and then head South. After turning South, I lose ALL phone service about 15kms down the road. This is a very big struggle for me. I have absolutely NO contact with my number one support being Krystle. I have NO contact with anyone else for that matter. And I absolutely hate it. I cannot stand it. I feel very anxious every time that I have to go to that rig. Its a really deep well that they are drilling, so they are going to be there until June or July. SO, that means I still have another 46,000 trips out there to make.
   It is a very beautiful drive out there. Lots of trees; driving into the mountains; the Red Deer river runs through there, etc, etc. But it is a HUGE challenge for me to go out there. Now the very first time I went out there, I had no idea that there would be no phone service out there at all. Even at the rig, no service. Unbelievable!! I did that first service as fast as possible and got out of there as fast as I could. I drove like a madman. I was uncomfortable and anxious that whole time. The second time I went out there, it was much better. I was still anxious and uncomfortable, BUT it was much better. I got through it with all my tools and thankfully with my trusty elastic bands. I snapped the crap out of my wrist 3 or 4 times. The next time I went out, same thing again. Really difficult driving out there and dealing with the anxiety, but coming back I was much more relaxed. I managed again.
   Of course, I am proud of my accomplishments of getting out there and getting back. I never drove out there like a madman the second or third time though, so that to me was totally awesome. BUT today...today was really different. Now, I still managed to get through it. I still managed to get out there and back again in one piece, but I am still dealing with the anxiety of getting out there. My palms are sweating, my socks are soaked from sweating feet, I feel hot, stomach is upset. And why? I think of being away from home and it really stresses me out. If I let my mind wander just an eighth of a degree to where I am or where I am going or what I am doing; I start to feel anxious and antsy. Why must it be this way? I hate it and wish that it would just go away and leave me alone.
   Today, I did manage it with the help of my trusty rubber bands again and snapping the crap out of my wrist. I did do some deep breathing that helped me to relax a little bit. I did try to focus on fun and happy things and once I got there and got doing my service, it was forgotten about. My mind melded away to work and that was it. So why does it have to be this way? I don't one single answer for you to read. I don't have a clue. The drive home is always easy. I never have any problems getting home. I am relieved to be going home. I am relaxed and calm. I just wish that the mind was easier to control and that the thought processes were not the way that they are for me. It is sometimes very discouraging to me. When I feel like I am climbing atop of the mountain, it doesn't take much of a snowball to turn into an avalanche and end up back at the bottom again.
   This is how many of my days are and how many days are for those who struggle with a mental illness. I would give anything to not have this illness. I would give anything to have normal thought patterns and feelings towards being away from home or my safe place. How does one accomplish this? I don't know, but if I ever figure it out, I will let you know.