Feb.16/12

Evening,
   What is it about death or the possibility of death that makes us question our own mortality? Why are we afraid of dying? Who is afraid of dying? I am. As I have mentioned before, I have my beliefs in God and I fully believe in a heaven and a hell. I'm not here to talk about where you or I will be going, but to make a point. I believe in Heaven and I believe that some day I will be going there. I hope that I am an 80 year old man before that happens. If I believe in Heaven and I believe that I am going there one day, then why am I scared of dying? Well, quite truthfully I like it here. But the thing that scares me or hurts me the most, is the thought of leaving my wife and kids behind.
   This has been a much bigger thing for me in the last 6 or 7 years. Notice a pattern? If you knew exactly how old my daughter was or how long I have been married for, you would see that those two numbers coincide with this thinking. When I was younger, I never ever thought about dying. I took chances and risks that I probably should not have. Nothing crazy mind you, but looking back at some of the things I did...makes you wonder, what the heck were you thinking at that time? Then I met Krystle and we had our kids. Since then, I have had a terrible fear of dying. Which, of course, is VERY handy when you have an anxiety disorder.
   Your palms are sweating, you feel dizzy, you have a big gas bubble built up inside your chest and you think, "here it comes...my heart attack." If you read last nights blog or have followed along here, this is a very common sign of having an anxiety attack. Great! So, I'm already scared to die and you give me this. Awesome. Cannot wait for that feeling to come back. How about any of you? Are you scared to die or scared of dying? For this question, I am not at all caring what or who you believe in. I don't care if you believe that your sink is your God. I am fine with that. I am just curious if anyone feels this same way. You don't have to actually answer, its a rhetorical question.
   So the point of tonights blog is very simple. There are a lot of different side effects associated with having a mental illness. Side effect is probably not the right word, more like symptom. Quite a few of the symptoms of anxiety disorder or whatever disorder are treatable with the tools in your toolbox. You can do deep breathing to relax yourself, snap a rubber band on your wrist, self talk yourself; whatever it may be. But I have yet to find something that takes away the fear of dying for me. My best defense when I feel this way? Just to try my hardest to think of something else or try to change my thinking pattern. It doesn't always work and I find that I can get myself jacked up very quickly. This is definitely one feeling of having an anxiety disorder that I don't like.
   What brought this up tonight? Well, legendary baseball hall of famer, Gary Carter, passed away today from brain cancer. We also have had some family issues in the last little bit that added to this thinking. Today I had another really long day of driving and PLENTY of time to think. Bet you cannot guess what creeped into my mind? That's right, eating ice cream. Seriously though, this came into my mind today and it took me quite a bit of work to change my thinking. I am afraid of not being able to laugh anymore or tell jokes or be an idiot. I am afraid that my children and my wife will be unable to cope with the loss. I am afraid that I will be unable to listen to music or watch movies anymore. I am not afraid of where I am going, just when I am going.